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My boyfriend said his female friend Sarah is "his sarah" should I be mad?

Cakelover42

By Cakelover42
in General Relationship Discussion

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Cakelover42 New Member

Cakelover42

Posted
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My boyfriend of 3 years has a close female friend named Sarah who he says he sees as a sister/mother figure. They have been friends for 2 years and have coffee at least once a week. I am okay with this. I actually like her she is nice and very kind to me.

 

I asked my boyfriend if he's ever liked her and wanted her as more, he said no never because there is no sexual attraction. He said wants me and wants to eventually marry me,but I know people can fall in love even when there is no sexual attraction, so never say never. That's why I'm careful around my male friends cause I know feelings could develop.

 

Today as we in the car he got a text from her asking to have coffee tomarrow. He said yes. Then he went on saying that "He is happy he gets to see his Sarah tomarrow". That's where I got upset. Everything else was totally fine.

 

That comment made me lose it inside. Usually when I get mad I don't express it until I clan down so I usually shut down and keep quiet which is what I did. He is saying I shouldn't be mad and but I would never say my close guy friend is "mine" maybe id say "can't wait to see my beastie" or something. Usually saying my Sarah or my Kevin is something set aside for your SO. Am I wrong for this?

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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Well ya, I can see why it would honk you off. And in most parts of the US, a "my <friend of the opposite sex's name>" crosses some boundaries.

 

But I caution you, every friendship is unique. What bothers you? The words themselves or an assumed intent/meaning of his behind the words?

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Life lessons Established Member

Life lessons

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Awww that would be sweet if saying it to you but I also would have an issue with him saying some other female is "his ----"

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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Now that I think about it more, I do have one female friend (strictly friend) who calls me "my <my last name>". Everyone calls me by my last name (I have a really great last name - self hi-5!). It doesn't seem odd or imply anything to me except close friendship. But I could see how it would seem odd to others.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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i have this guy i like......as in more than like.....even though i don't talk to this guy at all and am not really even a friend of his anymore.....i still more than like him though.....when my family talk about him they call him my....n....poor guy....he would be so creeped out....to know my family regard me as being mine....i am an alpha...lol...people become mine....even fi they wouldnt like to be...my family see that guy as particularly lucky....to be called mine....they hav erefeered to him as mums n when talkign among themselves which i find kind of cute....or your n when they ask of him....

 

 

 

two fold reasons why this happens.... one to differentiate him from other friends of mine with the same name and my daughters boyfriend is also the same name....i am surrounded by this name...i will never forget that name...lol..it is also the name of my first real bf...so this ....name of my ...n..is specific enough to give no confusion about who he is..it is my level of affection for him that is another reason why..........

 

 

two the level of feelings i have for him are acknowledged....and they arent actually friendship feelings....me .calling him my n......defines how i feel..even if we are nto friends.......if i was describing a friend like you i say my friend lesley or my friend kim or my friend dawn or whoever my friend is i define them as friends not so intimate a staTEMENT as my leslety....even if i had other other friends called lesley i would still call either one my friend lesley....or even my sister tracey is how i would introduce... her.....or my ex for tyhat mattr ...my ex adam my ex nnnn...my ex colin.....never mine....

 

boyfriends have often called me ....my deb......or my debs...or my deb fix..and we were dating....or had dated....as in the case of getting my deb fix....

 

i would be careful here....claiming someone as yours....denotes a higher level of intimacy .....than friendship i feel....do others refer to her as his sarah?????..then it is defined intimating feelings being expressed if others are referring her as his as well...............deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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The 'my' is exclusive for a lover. Period.

 

Search opposite sex friends in LS and you will see how many threads come up and how destructive these are, no matter how one puts it.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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The 'my' is exclusive for a lover. Period.

 

Search opposite sex friends in LS and you will see how many threads come up and how destructive these are, no matter how one puts it.

 

i would like to add to you rpost because i agree with lover but also as actual loving attraction and affection so yes lover in that respect.... doesnt intimate sexual contact.....there is that possible growth to sexuality and a more intimately close relationship..... too though....

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ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

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The 'my' is exclusive for a lover. Period.

 

Search opposite sex friends in LS and you will see how many threads come up and how destructive these are, no matter how one puts it.

 

It is destructive, but that doesn't mean it's not okay. I hate to say it but it absolutely angers me how uptight people get about things like this. Sure it's a natural human instinct that's been rooted in our history, but that doesn't make it justified. Some people legitimately just value people for their friendship and nothing more. It could turn into something more, but that doesn't mean it always will. If you can't trust your partner to not be faithful or to not cut some distance if they do happen to get romantic feelings then you shouldn't be with them or with anyone for that manner.

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duncsvoice Established Member

duncsvoice

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Eh, I don't think it's that much of a big deal really, although I can totally get why it would be so alarming.

 

My partner's best friend is a guy who she's known for a couple of years, will give him a hug in front of me (then he gives me one - he's a lovely bloke!). Pretty sure she's called him 'my XX' at one point, she's quite protective of him. There's absolutely nothing there sexually. Just two very good friends who knew each other before I turned up.

 

Really, really don't understand the attitude of "if your partner has a friend of the opposite sex, they must be humping or having an EA". Grow up, tbh.

 

OP - understandable reaction, but I think you're fine.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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If these two have been platonic friends for so long and you have had no other reasons to be concerned, I don't think you should have a meltdown over this little "blip".

 

I know people can fall in love even when there is no sexual attraction -- Yeah, it could happen but, like I said, if you've been happy with him and there are no other real issues in the relationship and he's making you feel like he's invested in you and the relationship, I say chill for now.

 

You don't drive your car everyday assuming or worrying that you might get into an accident, do you? Cross the bridges that need to be crossed when/if you get to them.

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aileD Established Member

aileD

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food for thought.

 

you've been with him for three years. One year into your relationship, he met and became extremely close "best friends" with another woman.

 

This isn't normal and it isn't okay and something is really off.

 

It's different when someone you start dating has had a friend of the opposite sex for many years before you met. But...YOU should be his best female friend.

 

It's weird. I don't like it and neither should you.

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hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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food for thought.

 

you've been with him for three years. One year into your relationship, he met and became extremely close "best friends" with another woman.

 

This isn't normal and it isn't okay and something is really off.

 

It's different when someone you start dating has had a friend of the opposite sex for many years before you met. But...YOU should be his best female friend.

 

It's weird. I don't like it and neither should you.

 

I agree. I find it very strange that he formed such a strong bond with another female after you started dating.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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I'd say this is an inappropriate friendship that could lead to something else. They are investing in one another, bonding, sharing and basically having an emotional affair *unintentionally*...and even though he says no sexual attraction is there, don't believe that. Women tend to get more emotionally attached quickly and chances are she is.

 

Draw the lines in the sand and either he starts including YOU in their friendship (meaning it's the three of you going out together and less time the two of them) or tell him he has to spend less time with her as their close friendship is going to get in the way of what you two have. this can't go on forever, sooner or later something will happen between them.

 

Your other option is, end it with him. Especially if he refuses to distance himself from her and understand why you're upset about how close they are. That would mean he's only thinking of himself and his needs/desires, not yours.

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Phantomlady Member

Phantomlady

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Something definitely off about him calling her "My Sarah"...he is having feelings of love and excitement to see her.

I would keep a close eye on it, men don't talk that way over a platonic friend.

Edited by Phantomlady
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Kamille Established Member

Kamille

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In my groups, that would be blowing things out of proportion. I call some of my best friends as "my Jeff" and "my Lanie" as terms of endearment, no more, no less. Granted, English isn't my first language, so that might have something to do with it.

 

What matters more here is wether or not you trust him. Do you think he is being faithful to you?

RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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I would have a problem with my boyfriend developing a close female relationship AFTER we started dating.

 

Coffee once a week? Exited to see "his Sarah"?

 

I know we all need friends, but what does she provide for him that you can't?

 

My husband is my best friend. And I am his.

 

We have other friends, and go out and be social - but he doesn't have any male friends that he gets exited about seeing every week to chat with, and I don't have any female friends that I get excited about seeing weekly.

 

And if these close friends were opposite sex? I would not be okay with that.

 

Is she single?

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ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

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Even if I was in a relationship I don't see why it's impossible to get super excited over another female friend. One of my best friends is a girl and that wouldn't change just because I was in a relationship. Maybe he sees her like a sister. I can understand the getting upset over the "my sarah" though. Just don't look too far into it. Just talk to him and address your concerns. Establish whatever boundaries you need and if he respects that then perhaps there's nothing to worry about.

Edited by ZayKayWill
aileD Established Member

aileD

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Even if I was in a relationship I don't see why it's impossible to get super excited over another female friend. One of my best friends is a girl and that wouldn't change just because I was in a relationship. Maybe he sees her like a sister. I can understand the getting upset over the "my sarah" though. Just don't look too far into it. Just talk to him and address your concerns. Establish whatever boundaries you need and if he respects that then perhaps there's nothing to worry about.

 

One of your best friends is a girl and you're not dating anyone. It would be different if the close friendship began after you started dating someone.

 

How would you feel If you were dating a girl for year and then all of a sudden she met and became very very close with and best friends another man that she didn't know him at all before you were dating ?

 

Somethings fishy

GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

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If he meant it, it's definitely concerning.

 

It could be just as possible that he was thinking my friend, and also thinking Sara and it came out as my Sara. That happens to myself and I see others doing it too.

  • 1 month later...
ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

Posted
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One of your best friends is a girl and you're not dating anyone. It would be different if the close friendship began after you started dating someone.

 

How would you feel If you were dating a girl for year and then all of a sudden she met and became very very close with and best friends another man that she didn't know him at all before you were dating ?

 

Somethings fishy

 

Oh cmon. People meet new people all the time. People have different hobbies. Meeting new friends is inevitable. So many people always assume the worst in people. Now if they were hanging out 1 on 1 without me all the time so say she was hanging with this person and didn't invite me along I may get a little suspicious but she has every right to have and make new friends :/

anduina Established Member

anduina

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Male friendships are usually activity buddies with a little emotional support of the tough love variety. If this woman is a sister/mother figure, perhaps the question might be why he needs so much emotional support. Does your b/f have that many problems?

LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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Oh cmon. People meet new people all the time. People have different hobbies. Meeting new friends is inevitable. So many people always assume the worst in people. Now if they were hanging out 1 on 1 without me all the time so say she was hanging with this person and didn't invite me along I may get a little suspicious but she has every right to have and make new friends :/

 

This is not about assuming "the worst." It's about recognizing "the natural."

 

OP, you seem to have been understanding about this relationship to this point but now something in your gut reacted. Pay attention to it.

 

That is not to say your bf and this woman will ever have sex and for those who think the only negative concern here is that sex will occur, there is more at stake here than the possibility of sex.

 

The other concern is prioritizing relationships. Seems to me there's only room for the level of excitement and anticipation that he has shown for "my Sarah" for one person of the opposite sex (excluding relatives, and even then it would be a special situation for excitement to occur, such as a parent seeing a child they don't often get to see, or vice versa, etc.) at a time in a person's life.

ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

Posted
Posted
This is not about assuming "the worst." It's about recognizing "the natural."

 

OP, you seem to have been understanding about this relationship to this point but now something in your gut reacted. Pay attention to it.

 

That is not to say your bf and this woman will ever have sex and for those who think the only negative concern here is that sex will occur, there is more at stake here than the possibility of sex.

 

The other concern is prioritizing relationships. Seems to me there's only room for the level of excitement and anticipation that he has shown for "my Sarah" for one person of the opposite sex (excluding relatives, and even then it would be a special situation for excitement to occur, such as a parent seeing a child they don't often get to see, or vice versa, etc.) at a time in a person's life.

 

What's natural? Being attracted to the opposite sex? That doesn't mean the person is going to cheat. You choose whether or not your attraction to the other person lets you misbehave or not.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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You tell your boyfriend to keep his mitts off her. That's MY Sarah!

thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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It's just inconsiderate.....period...

 

He sounds like an effing child, btw..Just saying...

 

TFY

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