OW who contacts the BS

[alsudduth]

So I got a message from the OW. The Affair happened almost 4 years ago. She first messaged me a couple weeks ago, with what I felt was a sincere apology. Then yesterday I got another message from her after not responding to her first, giving details about times they have been together and how they were planning to leave their spouses for each other.

 

My husband admitted to one instance but says she is lying about the others.

 

My question is for the OW out there. Why would you contact a BS 4 years after the fact to "apologize" and to tell them everything that happened because "they deserved to know" Is it to relieve your own guilt, to stir the pot, the see where the AP is in the relationship?

 

I am having a very difficult time with the new information....for background - my husband cheated, asked for a divorce, and then wanted to work things out. And then I had a revenge affair.

Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[aileD]

She said stirring the pot.

 

First one I thought was sincere but now that she's sent the next one? Now I think the first one was a set up.

 

Block her email address. You and H are past this. Don't let her wriggle her way in and make you doubt things.

 

Don't reply---unless she continues to contact you. Then just reply "I have spoken to an attorney and this is your warning that if you continue to contact me, I am prepared to fiile harassment charges against you"

 

Whatever you do, don't get H involved or let him "handle it". He needs to stay far away from her

[DKT3]

So I got a message from the OW. The Affair happened almost 4 years ago. She first messaged me a couple weeks ago, with what I felt was a sincere apology. Then yesterday I got another message from her after not responding to her first, giving details about times they have been together and how they were planning to leave their spouses for each other.

 

My husband admitted to one instance but says she is lying about the others.

 

My question is for the OW out there. Why would you contact a BS 4 years after the fact to "apologize" and to tell them everything that happened because "they deserved to know" Is it to relieve your own guilt, to stir the pot, the see where the AP is in the relationship?

 

I am having a very difficult time with the new information....for background - my husband cheated, asked for a divorce, and then wanted to work things out. And then I had a revenge affair.

 

I'm not a on/ow but I understand behavior, she is stirring trouble. Were she doing it for any other reason you would have gotten a detailed account the first time. This second dip, I believe is because you didn't react the way she expected, or maybe she thought it would entice your husband to contact her. Does not sound genuine, I expect her to make another attempt.

[FoundMyStrength]

At this point, when I'm almost 8 months out and have decided I don't want any further part of it, there are only two reasons I would. First, I might have something happen that changes my mind about contacting the BS (no DDay in my case). I could see time, counseling, or some other event changing my mind one day. In that case, I would send a note similar to your OW. Expressing my deep remorse, but making sure she has the full truth with which to make her marital decisions.

 

The other reason would be an unwelcome intrusion by my xMM. Emails or texts trying to pull me back into the affair. In that case, it would stem from a combination of disgust with my xMM, who said this was his only affair (it was mostly emotional), and expressed remorse and a desire to recommit to his wife: and self preservation, bc I truly have no desire to inflict harm on anyone else again.

 

Those are the only reasons I'd do it. My guess is it's the former. I read your post on the infidelity forum, and her words sound authentic.

[burnt]

The easy answer for you is any one of the options you listed: she wants trouble, she wants him back, she feels guilty, etc. etc.

 

The hard answer is: she is still in pain/anger/betrayal/humiliation and is just lashing out in whatever possible way she can with no logical/rational reasoning behind it.

 

It's kind of like when you have an extreme headache, sometimes you punch your own fist against the wall--it's totally pointless, but it gives you temporary outlet for your anger for having the headache.

 

Think of it this way: if you had no experience to affairs, you too would think "all OWs are sitting out there seducing the poor MMs". That story is very comforting because it puts the "bad guys" in the "bad guys box" neatly and it's easier to accept than an otherwise "grey" ugly reality.

 

The harder option is to actually read hundreds and hundreds of posts by OWs writing their stories about how they were actually deceived both by themselves and the MMs and how much endless pain they suffered during the affair and long after it was over.

 

You hear stories about how the BSs suffer long after the affair ends because the memory of betrayal is always there and triggers are always there. Well, guess what, for the OWs as well, long after the affair is over the pain is still there.

 

Please understand, no matter how a BS may see the picture, the OW in most cases loved the MM very deeply as well and got deeply hurt as well.

 

And in most cases the MM betrayed and used TWO women--his BS and his OW.

 

But then he does everything to make up for his betrayal to his BS, but not the OW.

 

You are in pain--there's no denying it. But your husband is going to be kneeling at your feet apologizing to you for the rest of his life for breaking your heart.

 

OW is still in pain--but your husband is NOT going to be doing a single thing to heal her pain. SHE IS ON HER OWN to fix the wound your husband caused in her.

 

Please understand, I am NOT comparing your pain with OW's pain and anger.

 

I am saying she is suffering from a very different kind of betrayal that will never heal either--for the rest of her life.

 

My background: I am xOW here myself. It's been also more than four years since the start of the affair; complete NC for more than two and a half years--I lose track of time now. There's not a single day now that I don't think about wishing my xMM's life to be destroyed the way mine was. I don't do anything, but instead wish I could end my own life so that I didn't have to go through this anger and sense of betrayal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

[Tressugar]

To stir the pot and get a reaction out of you. Don't take the bait, just ignore.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Let me help you out on why the Hs can be a coward from my own experience. He is a coward because when faced with Dday they are much more concerned about self preservation and what their wife will think Rather than saying the truth and truly apologizing for the hurt they have caused. My xMM was never going to tell his wife as he claimed he was waiting for a right time. There is never a right time to expose the truth and face the consequences of ones action. The only reason why he wanted to tell his wife was cos i said i will not because he felt it was the noble thing to do.

 

Thinking about it, i see him for who he is because i know what lies he told the wife behind her back and even the ones he tells to her face when i was there. Thats how i know he is not truly remorseful and its more about what people will think and not his act. Even with his new found religion, he lied about so many things in her presence.

 

That alone gives me comfort that i didnt end up with him, hs wife thinks he is innocent but i know the truth of him. As the other person and wifes please dont forget. the OW gets to see the man for who he truly is and not the pretend he makes with the wife at home. Its just unfortunate that the truth from the OW is always tagged as being biased cos the husband ended it.

[whichwayisup]

Block her. You and your husband have moved on and all she's doing is stirring up crap and wanting a response, hoping to get some information. Don't respond and try not to let what she's said question all the work you and your H have done to get to where you are now.

 

If she was truly sorry she wouldn't have sent a second email to you.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I wouldnt say block her.... Just be very observant. MMs lie too. He says just one but what about what he does behind your back. Maybe he reconnected with her... You can never tell. Just be observant i say

[Chica80]

The easy answer for you is any one of the options you listed: she wants trouble, she wants him back, she feels guilty, etc. etc.

 

The hard answer is: she is still in pain/anger/betrayal/humiliation and is just lashing out in whatever possible way she can with no logical/rational reasoning behind it.

 

It's kind of like when you have an extreme headache, sometimes you punch your own fist against the wall--it's totally pointless, but it gives you temporary outlet for your anger for having the headache.

 

Think of it this way: if you had no experience to affairs, you too would think "all OWs are sitting out there seducing the poor MMs". That story is very comforting because it puts the "bad guys" in the "bad guys box" neatly and it's easier to accept than an otherwise "grey" ugly reality.

 

The harder option is to actually read hundreds and hundreds of posts by OWs writing their stories about how they were actually deceived both by themselves and the MMs and how much endless pain they suffered during the affair and long after it was over.

 

You hear stories about how the BSs suffer long after the affair ends because the memory of betrayal is always there and triggers are always there. Well, guess what, for the OWs as well, long after the affair is over the pain is still there.

 

Please understand, no matter how a BS may see the picture, the OW in most cases loved the MM very deeply as well and got deeply hurt as well.

 

And in most cases the MM betrayed and used TWO women--his BS and his OW.

 

But then he does everything to make up for his betrayal to his BS, but not the OW.

 

You are in pain--there's no denying it. But your husband is going to be kneeling at your feet apologizing to you for the rest of his life for breaking your heart.

 

OW is still in pain--but your husband is NOT going to be doing a single thing to heal her pain. SHE IS ON HER OWN to fix the wound your husband caused in her.

 

Please understand, I am NOT comparing your pain with OW's pain and anger.

 

I am saying she is suffering from a very different kind of betrayal that will never heal either--for the rest of her life.

 

My background: I am xOW here myself. It's been also more than four years since the start of the affair; complete NC for more than two and a half years--I lose track of time now. There's not a single day now that I don't think about wishing my xMM's life to be destroyed the way mine was. I don't do anything, but instead wish I could end my own life so that I didn't have to go through this anger and sense of betrayal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

 

 

Ughh!!! Yes.... :/

[curiouslysearching]

Stupid question buttttttttt............what does the BS (mean)??

[gettingstronger]

She needed a drama fix-I know it must drag up feelings and doubts, it was designed to-unless you have reason to believe your husband is lying, I would stick with his version- Your OW has shown she can be a bit of a headcase-

[burnt]

Stupid question buttttttttt............what does the BS (mean)??

 

Betrayed Spouse.

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I believe it's possible for an OW to have remorse over how she participated in your betrayal and to apologize for it, even some years later. I can also see her feeling that you deserve the full truth and sharing it with you if she's truly remorseful and knows you've been lied to for the last 4 years. She may have even shared the times (dates?) with you so that you would have proof your H is lying about it being "one time."

 

Personally, I would want to see where this leads. I'd ask her for proof that it was more than once. If she has it, then you have a big decision to make - about staying with a former cheater that is still a liar. And if she doesn't have it, then you move on, having more faith in your reformed H than you do in the OW.

 

That's just my $.02

[seren]

Maybe she has had an epiphany and wants to clear her decks, maybe she has found someone and wants to apologise to have a clear conscience, maybe she is bored and wants to poke bees with a stick, maybe she wants to reconnect, maybe she wants to stir things up, maybe she is still mourning what she thought the A was and maybe none of these. Truth is, you will never know, not for certain.

 

I would look at what it has done to you and your H's relationship, as it is, now. Not then, I am assuming you have been reconciling and we all know how hard that is. This is like having a pond after a storm and someone comes along and throws a brick into the water, it sends ripples, it disturbs calm and it has the potential to cause ripples. My response would be to ask myself not what she intended, but what I and H wanted to do about it. Circle your wagons and protect what you have both worked hard to achieve or respond to her actions rather than what you want.

 

If our OW popped back up we would deal with it, we would probably ignore it, we would think what was, was then, now is now and if we are happy with our now, then anything else is unimportant. I might send a, we are happy, thanks for the apology, now go live your life and we will live ours. If it carried on, then maybe a stop now, and if still carried on, a cease and desist type response. If you have no reason to suspect that things are over and you have the truth, then you protect your relationship.

 

I had over 6 yrs of the OW popping back in and out of our life, in the end she destroyed any empathy I felt for her and she was lucky not to end up in court. We read here and elsewhere over and over how the AP has no responsibility to the BS, well this is the flip side, you have no responsibility for her, her pain or her hurt or her revenge or whatever. Your H and she are long over, he too has no responsibility, not after all this time, but, empathy, wanting her to stop, not wishing to hurt is understandable too, but there are limits. When an action impacts upon you, yours, your family and happiness, then circle your wagons. decide with H a what next plan, stick to it and deal with it together. A person will only fish if they think they have a chance of catching a fish, let there be no misunderstandings. Maybe she is sincere, maybe she feels the need to bare all, question is, do you want that intrusion?

[smi11ie]

Ask to speak to her partner if she contacts you again. If she is being genuine then she should have no problem. Either she has confessed recently to her husband or she is up to no good.

[merrmeade]

There's a lot of information about affairs and recovery for the betrayed spouse, a little more for the unfaithful spouse but (and correct me, somebody, if I'm wrong) far less for the OM/OW. It seems this way when I read in the OW/OM forum. They tend to reinforce each other's romanticized, insular world view, which allowed them to enter into an affair in the first place.

 

My experience with the OWs in my own life is interesting since my husband's MO was to court/be courted by close friends and family. Gross, I know, but since I didn't know until much later, I can look back now at each of them and compare. I'll never know their real thoughts (thank god), but I get some insight from just paying attention. Main thing is that to me they don't develop awareness about what they've done once they're outed unless they also are trying to reconcile with a spouse themselves. They have to see, care about and empathize with the damage done to the BS to begin to grow and change.

 

I thin they usually don't want to communicate with the betrayed spouse. in the case of my H's last affair, she never understood why it had such a terrible effect on me and assumed we would all go back to being friends and extended family like nothing had happened. She was in Lala-land and didn't want to face reality.

 

Like I said, they all seem to be different to me in the ways they deal with what they and the AP have done to another. My theory anyway.

[Furious]

So I got a message from the OW. The Affair happened almost 4 years ago. She first messaged me a couple weeks ago, with what I felt was a sincere apology. Then yesterday I got another message from her after not responding to her first, giving details about times they have been together and how they were planning to leave their spouses for each other.

 

My husband admitted to one instance but says she is lying about the others.

 

My question is for the OW out there. Why would you contact a BS 4 years after the fact to "apologize" and to tell them everything that happened because "they deserved to know" Is it to relieve your own guilt, to stir the pot, the see where the AP is in the relationship?

 

I am having a very difficult time with the new information....for background - my husband cheated, asked for a divorce, and then wanted to work things out. And then I had a revenge affair.

 

 

Every affair is filled with a tangled web of "he said, she said", and from each viewpoint from the affair partners there's a blurred line of truth and lies. It's to be expected that the affair partners say and do things while it's a secret that gives the impression the words are matching the actions. It's a different kettle of fish when the affair is exposed and the words and actions during the affair are put to test.

 

Most likely the OW in your situation is struggling with her emotions and most likely striking out at your husband through you. She's probably not lying about the details and promises your husband gave her and by giving you details she's subconsciously wanting you to not let him get away from hurting her.

 

I highly doubt she is truly sorry for her role of betraying you, it's probably more about once again inserting herself into your life with an agenda to get back at your husband.

 

For most affair partners the betrayed spouse is an abstract human, someone that is compartmentalized and off to the side, a blank canvas that is painted with assumptions and one sided hearsay by their lover. She only knows you through that lens and her apology seems to have backfired when you did not respond to the initial apology and her true agenda came through when she contacted you with details you did not request.

 

It's no longer her business and hopefully she'll heal and move on. It's not her business anymore to insert herself in your life. It's your life and you have the right to privacy and do what's best for you.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Furious

[wmacbride]

The easy answer for you is any one of the options you listed: she wants trouble, she wants him back, she feels guilty, etc. etc.

 

The hard answer is: she is still in pain/anger/betrayal/humiliation and is just lashing out in whatever possible way she can with no logical/rational reasoning behind it.

 

It's kind of like when you have an extreme headache, sometimes you punch your own fist against the wall--it's totally pointless, but it gives you temporary outlet for your anger for having the headache.

 

Think of it this way: if you had no experience to affairs, you too would think "all OWs are sitting out there seducing the poor MMs". That story is very comforting because it puts the "bad guys" in the "bad guys box" neatly and it's easier to accept than an otherwise "grey" ugly reality.

 

The harder option is to actually read hundreds and hundreds of posts by OWs writing their stories about how they were actually deceived both by themselves and the MMs and how much endless pain they suffered during the affair and long after it was over.

 

You hear stories about how the BSs suffer long after the affair ends because the memory of betrayal is always there and triggers are always there. Well, guess what, for the OWs as well, long after the affair is over the pain is still there.

 

Please understand, no matter how a BS may see the picture, the OW in most cases loved the MM very deeply as well and got deeply hurt as well.

 

And in most cases the MM betrayed and used TWO women--his BS and his OW.

 

But then he does everything to make up for his betrayal to his BS, but not the OW.

 

You are in pain--there's no denying it. But your husband is going to be kneeling at your feet apologizing to you for the rest of his life for breaking your heart.

 

OW is still in pain--but your husband is NOT going to be doing a single thing to heal her pain. SHE IS ON HER OWN to fix the wound your husband caused in her.

 

Please understand, I am NOT comparing your pain with OW's pain and anger.

 

I am saying she is suffering from a very different kind of betrayal that will never heal either--for the rest of her life.

 

My background: I am xOW here myself. It's been also more than four years since the start of the affair; complete NC for more than two and a half years--I lose track of time now. There's not a single day now that I don't think about wishing my xMM's life to be destroyed the way mine was. I don't do anything, but instead wish I could end my own life so that I didn't have to go through this anger and sense of betrayal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

 

I get that the ow may be hurting too, but the irony of the ow in the op's situation expecting or even asking for empathy and compassion from the bs is not lost on me. Where was that when the A started? Where was that expectation for empathy ad putting herself in someone elses shoes when the ow decided to get involved with a married man?

 

 

Honestly, it's bet to ignore the ow If you feel need to respond, tell her that you thank her for her best wishes and information, and you are not interested in anything else she has to say.

 

It's sad that she was hurt, but sh has zero business putting her psychological skeletons into your closet. By responding, you only fuel the drama.

[wmacbride]

Maybe she has had an epiphany and wants to clear her decks, maybe she has found someone and wants to apologise to have a clear conscience, maybe she is bored and wants to poke bees with a stick, maybe she wants to reconnect, maybe she wants to stir things up, maybe she is still mourning what she thought the A was and maybe none of these. Truth is, you will never know, not for certain.

 

I would look at what it has done to you and your H's relationship, as it is, now. Not then, I am assuming you have been reconciling and we all know how hard that is. This is like having a pond after a storm and someone comes along and throws a brick into the water, it sends ripples, it disturbs calm and it has the potential to cause ripples. My response would be to ask myself not what she intended, but what I and H wanted to do about it. Circle your wagons and protect what you have both worked hard to achieve or respond to her actions rather than what you want.

 

If our OW popped back up we would deal with it, we would probably ignore it, we would think what was, was then, now is now and if we are happy with our now, then anything else is unimportant. I might send a, we are happy, thanks for the apology, now go live your life and we will live ours. If it carried on, then maybe a stop now, and if still carried on, a cease and desist type response. If you have no reason to suspect that things are over and you have the truth, then you protect your relationship.

 

I had over 6 yrs of the OW popping back in and out of our life, in the end she destroyed any empathy I felt for her and she was lucky not to end up in court. We read here and elsewhere over and over how the AP has no responsibility to the BS, well this is the flip side, you have no responsibility for her, her pain or her hurt or her revenge or whatever. Your H and she are long over, he too has no responsibility, not after all this time, but, empathy, wanting her to stop, not wishing to hurt is understandable too, but there are limits. When an action impacts upon you, yours, your family and happiness, then circle your wagons. decide with H a what next plan, stick to it and deal with it together. A person will only fish if they think they have a chance of catching a fish, let there be no misunderstandings. Maybe she is sincere, maybe she feels the need to bare all, question is, do you want that intrusion?

 

Exactly.

I dealt with an ow who wouldn't go away, and it's been ten years now. She still pops her head in from time to time, like some sort of annoying cuckoo clock.

[wmacbride]

There's a lot of information about affairs and recovery for the betrayed spouse, a little more for the unfaithful spouse but (and correct me, somebody, if I'm wrong) far less for the OM/OW. It seems this way when I read in the OW/OM forum. They tend to reinforce each other's romanticized, insular world view, which allowed them to enter into an affair in the first place.

 

My experience with the OWs in my own life is interesting since my husband's MO was to court/be courted by close friends and family. Gross, I know, but since I didn't know until much later, I can look back now at each of them and compare. I'll never know their real thoughts (thank god), but I get some insight from just paying attention. Main thing is that to me they don't develop awareness about what they've done once they're outed unless they also are trying to reconcile with a spouse themselves. They have to see, care about and empathize with the damage done to the BS to begin to grow and change.

 

I thin they usually don't want to communicate with the betrayed spouse. in the case of my H's last affair, she never understood why it had such a terrible effect on me and assumed we would all go back to being friends and extended family like nothing had happened. She was in Lala-land and didn't want to face reality.

 

Like I said, they all seem to be different to me in the ways they deal with what they and the AP have done to another. My theory anyway.

 

Some accept responsibility for their own choices and actions. These are the men and women who I think learned a lot from the experience and will never, ever do it again. They admit to making mistakes and bad choices, and I have a huge amount of respect for anyone who is wiling to admit that.

 

Others will never accept any responsibility and ill forever blame their actions on anyone and everyone else. They won't learn from the experience.

[William]

Folks, we got a request to merge threads on this topic but I decided to leave this thread standing alone as it posed a question about contact in general and solicited others experiences with that.

 

Here's the thread on the member's specific situation, also linked in the first sentence of the starting post. Feel free to add content where felt most appropriate.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/617757-i-got-message-ow

[Southern Sun]

I can think of two reasons I would contact my former AP's BS 4 years later: to either clear the air and provide truth or perhaps in reaction to contact from the MM. The only other option I can think of is that she could have reached out to him again, gotten shut down, and is doing this in anger.

 

I find it really ridiculous that your H says it was "just once." Don't they all? And this OW is calling after 4 years?

 

Perhaps she is experiencing some consequences for the affair and felt that your H is not, and she wanted to right things. She knew he was skating by on lies and minimizing and she just didn't think that was fair. That's happened in my case - I've owned up to everything and my xMM is still lying his butt off. Maybe she had enough.

 

I just have to wonder, why now? It makes me wonder what happened. Did she get a divorce? Or did something happen with your H?

 

I would definitely take heed and I also wouldn't assume she's lying.

[Ahurtgirl]

Having been an OW, my guess is they have still been in contact. I was unaware that the exMM I had been with was caught three years earlier, he told her he ended things with me at that point (he never told me any of this).

I can't imagine the exOW contacting the BS four years later if there wasn't a relationship between the two of them still active. I read about some BS saying the exOW contacted off and on for years. The only reason that would happen is because there is still involvement that their spouse is lying about and making it look like the OW is crazy.

I'm thankful to have had an attorney write a no contact agreement for both my exMM and myself. I would never want him to contact me EVER.

[seren]

It isn't always that the XWS has been in contact with the XOW. Sometimes people just cannot deal with the end of a relationship and it becomes almost obsessive. The OW in our case kept on trying to initiate contact, each time H told me, each time we ignored, e moved home, we changed telephone numbers, we went ex directory and still she found us, her job gave her access to our phone numbers, we found that out almost 5 years into the stalking.

 

I would pick the phone up and either get silence, heavy breathing or a torrent of abuse, it seemed never ending. H just got the silent calls, her anger was all directed at me. I did nothing about it as I felt sorry for her, then she started ringing my son and the gloves came off. I involved the Police, my son is a policeman and told me what I had to do. I didn't want to, I did not agree to her getting charged but it had to stop, she needed help, we needed peace. It has been 3 years now and we have had no contact. Thank God. I hope she has found the peace and closure she needed.

 

OP, the problem belong to you and your H and it is up to you both to decide on a plan of action. Please don't let it continue as I did, it is intrusive, it is pain in the arse and it is intended to create waves, don't let it. x