Partner needs ex in his life as 'friend'.

[Bejangled]

Hi everyone

 

I'm new here and wanted to ask your advice on a situation that's driving me insane!

 

My partner of 3 years (who's I love completely) has an ex. They were together for almost 12 years and apparently had more of a friend relationship rather than being 'in love'.

 

No problem there....

 

But he seems to always need her in his life. If there is a tough decision, who does he call?...her. If he is stressed about something, who does he call?...her. He recently had a pain in his knee and ignored all advice given to him until....he called her. Her advice was the only advice he'd listen to.

 

So, it sounds kind of petty for me to be annoyed right? Exes can be friends, I've no problem with that....but here's where it gets weirder.

 

Even though they're only 'old, reliable, mature friends', every time I meet her, she gives me 'that' look. You know the one....the look that says....'he was MINE before he was yours, now back away bitch!'.

 

I thought I was imagining it. Everybody sees her as a 'lovely' person. But I checked myself, checked the vibes, double checked...and then checked again. NOPE! It was definitely bad vibes coming at me for being with 'her man'. At first I thought it was just weird, maybe a bit funny, because I'd never been in a situation like this before. But the vibe is strong!

 

To make matters worse, she gives me little 'digs' at every opportunity. These digs are so subtle that you couldn't pull her up on them. I would end up looking like the fool if I spoke up. Small, slanty, sly jabs that you barely notice until minutes later. It's like death by a thousand cuts. She keeps bringing gifts for me and offering help and advice...which sounds wonderful. But none of it is done for me, it's all for show, to show him how hard she's trying to be my friend....and he laps it up. He can't understand how I can have a problem with her when she is always so nice to me! It's actually really disturbing!

 

The worst part is....when I got annoyed about this one day and said it to my partner (in a gentle way)...he went absolutely, totally nuts! He said 'how dare you suggest that such a descent and kind person could do such a thing.' He asked me for examples.....and of course, you guessed, when I tried to explain the little digs and the looks (when she looks at me she smiles that sneaky smile that says go f.....k yourself).

 

He told me that it was me who had the problem and that I was the only one who seemed to have any issues with her..... He absolutely wouldn't entertain any flaw in her. She is a perfect human in his eyes, yet if she could pour a bucket of _____ over me without anyone seeing it, she'd do it in a second.

 

I really don't know how to handle this situation. He refuses point blank to talk about it, he thinks I have insulted their close relationship and he's disappointed in me for doing that. I have honestly checked and rechecked this situation to see if I'm harbouring some sort of weirdness about their relationship which is coming out in this situation...but I am certain this is not coming from me. She has entered our life and will stay and she will continue to be 'perfect' to him while trying to put me down in the most subtle way. She is a 3rd person in our relationship and she wants to keep it exactly that way.

 

I'm so sad that I can't tackle this issue in a sensible or grown-up way. Everything I think of just makes me look like the irrational or nasty one. Even as I write this and read it back, it seems like I am the 'bad person'. I really, really don't know what to do. I would love some advice.

 

Thank you

[ZayKayWill]

Well, it's not fair that he isn't even willing to talk to you about it. You're his girlfriend. That's what couples do. They talk, even if they don't want to. You talk until the situation dissolves. All there is to it. If he's not willing to do that for you, then perhaps it's time to move on.

[somanymistakes]

She matters a lot to him, and he's never going to tell her to shove off unless she crosses a line with you. And she's careful about not crossing that line.

 

So - can you put up with her hanging around until and unless she finally goes too far? Or is it too much to take?

 

If she suddenly makes a play for him, do you think he'd go for it, or at least consider it? Or would he be shocked and confused if she suddenly wanted him back?

 

You know the situation better than we do. Is she an ever-present threat just waiting for the right time to ruin everything (like, say, confessing her love for him as soon as he gets engaged to you or something) or is she more like a truly obnoxious relative that you have to tolerate because they're your partner's family but you can minimise the time you spend with them?

[Mr. Lucky]

She has entered our life and will stay and she will continue to be 'perfect' to him while trying to put me down in the most subtle way. She is a 3rd person in our relationship and she wants to keep it exactly that way.

 

With friends like this, who needs...

 

The problem isn't the "ex", it's your partner. We were all in previous relationships, many longer than his 12 years, so there's nothing special about their bond, And you're dealing with two issues at once - his obvious need for validation from her and his lack of concern for the discomfort it causes you. Were it me, I might be able to deal with the first - she's obviously an important person in his life - if he were sensitive to the effect on me. Not the case here.

 

All off this goes out the window if you've only tiptoed around the subject and made vague references to how you feel about it. If you've come out and said "Ex makes me feel like an unwelcome intruder in your life" then you have your answer - he doesn't care.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

i would feel sorry for her ......try to befriend her....help her deal with the fact she needs to find someone who isnt taken...she sounds like a caring person who is hurt and feels looked over and rejected...she hasnt let go of him entirely.....and either they are for caring reasons or haunted reasons.....she may not want him back at all....or have designs on him but those vibes you feel are for protection for him. and she is scared you will veto the friendship they do have.....so she is sending friendship protection vibes to you...projected vibes can be numerous feelings all at once.....she could also have resting bitch face with you.....she could feel threatened by you in more ways than one.......i am an empath ...

 

 

i feel vibes have for years and still can tdetermine many vibes i get or where they are comign from and why they are projected to me.......its a learning curve...i have felt that back away bitch feeling vibe ...actually for example once from a mother....who didnt trust white women ..especially with her son......it was a protection vibe .and also he i smine before he was yours vibe........the way i dealt with it....i became her friend...let her know my values my beleifs and who i was....adn i loved her.....adn she ended up loving me back........

 

 

 

its how you deal with enemies of any relationships you have and your own self protection...you make them your friend.....and when you are....they tend to respec tyou when you say in fact they support you as all good friends do.......you can say please dont interfere.....i love you but my relationship with him is mine not yours.....and my relationship will not damage your relationship with him.....unless...you interfere in mine ...and then i will kill you...kidding...you see what i am tryign to say though...dotn let peopel interfere in yoru relationship adn be forgiving as much as you can yourself in regards to his other relationships...always be honest with how you feel...........deb

[Bejangled]

Well, it's not fair that he isn't even willing to talk to you about it. You're his girlfriend. That's what couples do. They talk, even if they don't want to. You talk until the situation dissolves. All there is to it. If he's not willing to do that for you, then perhaps it's time to move on.

 

Hi ZayKayWill

 

Thanks for replying. I think you've touched a sore point with me. It's true, talking would probably dissolve the situation. A good conversation would probably change everything for the better. After reading yours and other people's replies, I am beginning to see that the bigger issue here is probably that I can't talk to him about it. I have a feeling that I would be able to handle this situation better if I was free to explain how I feel.

I never thought I'd find myself in a situation where I can't say something straight out for fear of the consequences...but here I am. I think as I am getting older, I am getting more afraid of threatening relationships (friends, love, family). I am getting more afraid of pushing something to a point where it might end.....but....I do get that it must be dealt with.

Thank you for your advice

[Bejangled]

...Is she an ever-present threat just waiting for the right time to ruin everything (like, say, confessing her love for him as soon as he gets engaged to you or something) or is she more like a truly obnoxious relative that you have to tolerate because they're your partner's family but you can minimise the time you spend with them?

 

Hi somanymistakes

 

Thanks for replying. In answer to you, I think it's probably the latter. I am pretty certain there's no love pangs from either of them towards one another, but I do think she is like an obnoxious relative (if relatives were like cats who would almost pee on your partner's leg to mark their territory )

 

I think I will have to tolerate this and minimize contact. But I would love to know how to it in a way that doesn't make me feel so _______ .

 

There's always that feeling of .....'how the heck did I get into a mad situation like this'.

 

Thanks

[Bejangled]

With friends like this, who needs...

 

The problem isn't the "ex", it's your partner. We were all in previous relationships, many longer than his 12 years, so there's nothing special about their bond, And you're dealing with two issues at once - his obvious need for validation from her and his lack of concern for the discomfort it causes you. Were it me, I might be able to deal with the first - she's obviously an important person in his life - if he were sensitive to the effect on me. Not the case here.

 

All off this goes out the window if you've only tiptoed around the subject and made vague references to how you feel about it. If you've come out and said "Ex makes me feel like an unwelcome intruder in your life" then you have your answer - he doesn't care.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr Lucky

 

Thanks for your advice. After reading it, I had a real 'Ouch!' moment. What you said is one of the big issues here....If I insist on making myself heard about this situation, will it mean the end? I really would need to root out my big girl's pants before I could go there. But, I will have to face up to this soon, one way or another.

Thanks

[Bejangled]

Hi todreaminblue

 

Wow. Thank you for your wonderful advice. You have certainly given me much to think about.

I do think she is confused about the situation too. She quite a 'man's woman' (if that makes sense), not in an overtly sexy way, but in a way where she seems to be more comfortable with men. She really does love my partner in a non-lover way and does feel unreasonably possessive over him.

 

Perhaps I could feel sorry for her. She does have a kind of lonely life. I would leave the 2 of them alone to be pals if she didn't jealously circle him.

 

I want to be kind here to both of them and respect their relationship, but I also want to see the same respect shown for my relationship with my partner. It disappoints me that my partner has refused to discuss this subject with me. It hurts like hell that we have a taboo subject....especially one that is a direct cause of pain to me.

 

Having said that, all the great advice from you and the other people here has calmed me down a little about this whole situation. For that, I'm so, so grateful. Perhaps, now that I'm calmer I can actually find the _________ to tackle this situation head on with clarity and sort it out once and for all.

 

This situation still scares the hell out of me. But I'm inspired by yours and all the other wonderful answers here.

 

Thank you

[Mr. Lucky]

But, I will have to face up to this soon, one way or another. Thanks

 

Have you considered a blunt and direct conversation - with her?

 

If you approach this from "how can we work this out?" rather than "stay away from my BF!" she may be more receptive to self-examination. Although, if she's still carrying the torch for him as it seems, could all go up in flames very quickly. Regardless, I'd guess you'd want this resolved sooner rather than later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ZayKayWill]

Hi ZayKayWill

 

Thanks for replying. I think you've touched a sore point with me. It's true, talking would probably dissolve the situation. A good conversation would probably change everything for the better. After reading yours and other people's replies, I am beginning to see that the bigger issue here is probably that I can't talk to him about it. I have a feeling that I would be able to handle this situation better if I was free to explain how I feel.

I never thought I'd find myself in a situation where I can't say something straight out for fear of the consequences...but here I am. I think as I am getting older, I am getting more afraid of threatening relationships (friends, love, family). I am getting more afraid of pushing something to a point where it might end.....but....I do get that it must be dealt with.

Thank you for your advice

 

Honestly? That's life. Relationships are one of, if not, the hardest thing to keep balance in life. Doesn't help the fact that people are so very different that no matter how much we try to push our point of view onto people they're still gonna see it a different way. As Bob Marley once said, "The truth is, *everyone* is going to hurt you. You just have to choose the ones that are worth suffering for." You pick and choose your battles. Some people will stick with it till the end, while some others will just give up and walk away...and if they do walk away, then perhaps they were never worth your time and energy in the first place.

[preraph]

Yep, she's one of those sneaky calculating ones who acts like an angel to him and like a harrion to anyone in her way. I had to deal with one at work and it didn't go well. I'm sure she stays on his good side by "needing him" and then he's "her hero" and flattering him all the time. Because some guys do not want to see through the BS when it means they'll have to give up flattery and validation that they're desireable and even heroic.

 

I wouldn't even waste my time with him because it is never going to go well. I mean, he already believes her over you and sides with her over you. Now when this happened at work, I had to go to the owner about it and insist that the two men over me, when it was between believing me and believing her, be made to believe me, the one who had many years tenure there over her, who was a newbie. But you don't have any leverage here. Anything you do makes you the bad guy. I would let her have him. And he deserves it because he probably doesn't only want her but she will block every relationship he gets.

 

And I disagree about talking to her about anything at all. She will take it and twist it and go crying to him and use it against you.

[Bejangled]

Have you considered a blunt and direct conversation - with her?

 

If you approach this from "how can we work this out?" rather than "stay away from my BF!" she may be more receptive to self-examination. Although, if she's still carrying the torch for him as it seems, could all go up in flames very quickly. Regardless, I'd guess you'd want this resolved sooner rather than later...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr Lucky

 

I think I'm in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation here. For me, the most natural thing to do is to have a conversation about it. But, in this case, I feel I'm dealing with something a little more unreasonable.

 

From what I've already observed, I believe that she will use our conversation to her advantage. She will call my partner and say how 'shocked' and 'surprised' she is that I feel X,Y,Z...

 

My partner is an open and talkative guy, but in this case, it seems like she has some strange hold over him. He has blinkers on when it comes to her.

 

I really don't quite understand what I'm dealing with here, I'm not a shy person or backward about coming forward, yet this situation has made me feel a little cornered. It's like a game where if I move in any direction I will be check-mated.

 

It's very disempowering and confusing.

[Bejangled]

....As Bob Marley once said, "The truth is, *everyone* is going to hurt you. You just have to choose the ones that are worth suffering for."

 

Hi ZayKayWill

 

Wise words. Thank you.

[Bejangled]

Yep, she's one of those sneaky calculating ones who acts like an angel to him and like a harrion to anyone in her way. I had to deal with one at work and it didn't go well. I'm sure she stays on his good side by "needing him" and then he's "her hero" and flattering him all the time. Because some guys do not want to see through the BS when it means they'll have to give up flattery and validation that they're desireable and even heroic.

 

I wouldn't even waste my time with him because it is never going to go well. I mean, he already believes her over you and sides with her over you. Now when this happened at work, I had to go to the owner about it and insist that the two men over me, when it was between believing me and believing her, be made to believe me, the one who had many years tenure there over her, who was a newbie. But you don't have any leverage here. Anything you do makes you the bad guy. I would let her have him. And he deserves it because he probably doesn't only want her but she will block every relationship he gets.

 

And I disagree about talking to her about anything at all. She will take it and twist it and go crying to him and use it against you.

 

Hi preraph

 

I'm sorry you had a similar situation, but in a strange way, it's refreshing that I'm not the only one who's experienced this madness.

 

She certainly is one who would block anyone who she perceives as a threat. This is a new thing for me to see first hand. It's sick and sad. She certainly has issues. But, it's not a case of 'letting her have him'. I will figure this out eventually. There will be a way through this...

[Sweetfish]

Im sorry... Did I miss something?

 

Who broke up with who? Why are they not together?

[preraph]

Hi preraph

 

I'm sorry you had a similar situation, but in a strange way, it's refreshing that I'm not the only one who's experienced this madness.

 

She certainly is one who would block anyone who she perceives as a threat. This is a new thing for me to see first hand. It's sick and sad. She certainly has issues. But, it's not a case of 'letting her have him'. I will figure this out eventually. There will be a way through this...

 

OK. Here's my unexpected solutions that might at least slightly shift the situation.

1) Adopt her. You know how they say to keep your enemies close. But if you do, do not confide in her about ANYTHING or she will use it against you. Adopting her includes asking her to dinner without the permission of your man. "Surprise" him. You be the sweet one bending over backwards so she can't be perceived as the only one. This will force her to see your relationship with him as real. On the other hand, if it doesn't go that way and he decides to act like his relationship is more with her than you over dinner, at least you have your answer.

 

2) Fix her up with men, preferably good looking ones she would have trouble resisting who are miserable human beings, a good match for her. To your partner, you are "just trying to help her" because obviously she is lonely since she is still clinging to him. I guarantee you he will not like this maneuver because he wants both of you, but you have the high road here and what possible argument could he have against it without just telling you, "No, I want her!"

 

I'm telling you these actions will force the truth to boil over.

[Poutrew]

you need to walk away from this. See, he is already married, to her. You are the 'affair', and will never be #1 in his life. Can you imagine being married to him and he is still going to her for support 10 years from now? When you have children with this guy, will they call you or this other woman 'mom'? You need to find a man who isn't already 'married'... this isn't the one. Sorry...

[darkmoon]

is she like this with a lot of people? playing Miss Fixit with her great advice?

 

how often does he call her?

 

what is her profession that makes her so qualified to advise?

 

whatever - do not let her bait you into arguing, you are headed for a split here, imo, if you keep arguing

 

when you and him got together, presumably, you were both happy and you had not even heard of her - - how did she worm her way in? or was she always there?

[amaysngrace]

This sounds just like the script from My Best Friends Wedding.