bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Hi everyone, I know this is a really popular question somehow, im not satisfied by what i find on the internet, so i'm asking what you think. I have been in a relationship for 3 years (28F and 29M). He's great, we get along pretty well, we live seperately, he has a twin brother (if thats even relevant). And we are building a house together. (just me and my BF not the twin) One day (6 months ago) he starts pulling away. For no good reason. not calling me when we are supposed to meet up, not helping me out when i ask him, just being a dick (the house project was already on its way) So here is my problem: I dont need to see him every day/week or even month. I just need him to TELL me honey, i cant see you this week. Or, hey i need a break or whatever. JUST TO TELL ME WHATS GOING ON So I talk to him about it. I told him I need more than just an occasional text, asking me what i'm doing (not even to ask me out). I feel like a total crazy person always calling and asking to get together when he never does (this happened gradually). He says no i love you blablabla, i respect you and i dont see what's wrong... I'm a straightforward person, i dont like to **** around with feelings and im definitely not enjoying this. This is where i'm stuck. Those self help sites tell me: 'Its natural for a man to pullaway' or 'Telling him how you feel will push him even further away' .... BULL****! As a modern day woman I refuse to play games. I say it like it is and expect the same from my partner feelings should be comunicated, hiding them and making them inegmatic just sets humanity back 100 years when women had no opinion. When i need space (its happend before) i just say honey, I need space. i'm going to see a friend or whatever. And thats how its done. If i do try to control my feelings and remove myself emotionally then i am basically removing myself from the relationship and moving on. which i dont want. I accept the fact that he needs time to understand feelings or is depressed or has other things going on. But its been 6 months of: i dont even know whats going on, its driving me NUTS! should i stop the house project? is it time to move on? how should i approach my boyfriend with this? is there a way to get him to communicate with me? Id love an opinion Thanks 1
reeseyummy Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) Umm... this sounds fishy...... I hate to put this in your head but... Are you sure he's not seeing someone else on the side...? Is there any other odd behavior involved? Or, he probably realized he's not ready for the house project with you. 3 years relationship for me is a yes or no question. Yes, i want to spend more time with her, or no, I think that is enough. It seems like he's not telling you the truth yet. Maybe he's not ready. I think you should prepare yourself, and let the truth come out when it's supposed to. I found out that sometimes just asking directly won't give you the real answer. There's processing time for the person to tell the truth. Try detecting the little details, until you can sit him down and tell him your worries again. Maybe he will open up and tell you what's really on his mind. Edited April 4, 2017 by reeseyummy 1
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Good lord you are building a house together without living together first or not being married??? Moving in together is stressful as it is, now add a huge committed financial investment in a house....you are making a poor life choice. I can see why he would be pulling away....he is probably thinking "What the hell am I getting myself into?" Anyway you need to be face to face to tell him you are slamming on the brakes on everything, the relationship, the house etc, and demand what's going on.....do not let him blow it off as nothing. If he doesn't cooperate, end it. 8
Larryville Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 we get along pretty well,[/QUOTE] And we are building a house together You know everything else after that is irrelevant, this is beyond comprehension. WTF!? you are making a poor life choice. yup... 1
stillafool Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I would never buy or build a house with a lover unless we were planning to marry soon. His interest in your seems very low, almost platonic. He doesn't sound like a man who is in love with a woman. Yes I think I would stop the project and not invest any more time and money.
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 thanks still a fool thats a great response
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) But for general info i am against marriage. I really dont see what marriage adds to a relationship except the fact that someone would have to pay to get out of it. i am not catholic Edited April 4, 2017 by bishop 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 But for general info i am against marriage. I really dont see what that adds to a relationship except the fact that someone would have to pay to get out of the relationship I don't think people are trying to push you into marriage so much as questioning why you're building a house with someone you have no legal ties to, unless you have a written agreement as to how the property will be divided in the event things go south. Forget marriage for a moment at look at this from a strictly business standpoint: I have a friend, an engineer, who promptly went into partnership with another guy on finishing school. No written agreement. Now they want to dissolve the partnership and have both lawyered up because they can't agree how to do it. So what's the plan in case this relationship is ending? 3
carhill Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Welcome to LS.... Where does the house project fit in with the six months ago pull away timeline? When was the last time you had an in-person couple event not related to the house project? How did that go?
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Thanks Gorilla I see the point. I have to clarify its not a house per se its more of a living arrangement (not at all as pricey as a house) but i still get the drift. my option was to just leave. Ive always had money saved up, i was just going to leave. i really dont care for the 5.000 I invested, I can bounce back pretty fast from this (economically) soooooo that was never a big issue for me
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 carhill thats a great question. we've had this project 1 year into the relationship things started to get strange after 2 and a half years and i would have to say more than a year for a non related event thats pretty sad, and this realisation helps. I've had my head down , i was so busy with this project
Redhead14 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Pulling away for a short period once in a while (a day or so) to deal with something is fine, pulling away often and for extended periods of time and ignoring a partner is a huge concern. Cutting a partner out of one's life instead of dealing with issues as a couple, is not a healthy relationship environment. If you are going to be sharing a home and all the responsibilities associated with being a committed, live in couple, he needs to not be behaving like he single . . . He told you he didn't understand what the problem is . . . how hard is it to understand that the woman he claims to love and is planning to have a home with does not appreciate being pushed away and cut out of his life. He's totally self-absorbed and his emotional connection to you is very weak. It sounds like you both are operating on auto-pilot and not focused on the relationship and feelings, etc. Granted, all that you two are working on would be overwhelming, etc., but YOU aren't pulling away or hiding from the associated responsibilities, are you? If this is how he deals with issues/stresses, etc., you're going to find that you are doing all the work in the relationship. It will be unbalanced. 2
Simple Logic Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Hi everyone, I know this is a really popular question somehow, im not satisfied by what i find on the internet, so i'm asking what you think. I have been in a relationship for 3 years (28F and 29M). He's great, we get along pretty well, we live seperately, he has a twin brother (if thats even relevant). And we are building a house together. (just me and my BF not the twin) One day (6 months ago) he starts pulling away. For no good reason. not calling me when we are supposed to meet up, not helping me out when i ask him, just being a dick (the house project was already on its way) So here is my problem: I dont need to see him every day/week or even month. I just need him to TELL me honey, i cant see you this week. Or, hey i need a break or whatever. JUST TO TELL ME WHATS GOING ON So I talk to him about it. I told him I need more than just an occasional text, asking me what i'm doing (not even to ask me out). I feel like a total crazy person always calling and asking to get together when he never does (this happened gradually). He says no i love you blablabla, i respect you and i dont see what's wrong... I'm a straightforward person, i dont like to **** around with feelings and im definitely not enjoying this. This is where i'm stuck. Those self help sites tell me: 'Its natural for a man to pullaway' or 'Telling him how you feel will push him even further away' .... BULL****! As a modern day woman I refuse to play games. I say it like it is and expect the same from my partner feelings should be comunicated, hiding them and making them inegmatic just sets humanity back 100 years when women had no opinion. When i need space (its happend before) i just say honey, I need space. i'm going to see a friend or whatever. And thats how its done. If i do try to control my feelings and remove myself emotionally then i am basically removing myself from the relationship and moving on. which i dont want. I accept the fact that he needs time to understand feelings or is depressed or has other things going on. But its been 6 months of: i dont even know whats going on, its driving me NUTS! should i stop the house project? is it time to move on? how should i approach my boyfriend with this? is there a way to get him to communicate with me? Id love an opinion Thanks In the absence of other information, I'd say he is not crazy about you two moving in together and re-establishing some independance.
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Thanks redhead thats the best advice yet you helped me see clearly what is expected in a relationship and i do feel like i'm doing all the work. this is not how i want to be loved. Thank you
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 AH! simple logic thats what i thought. but is it not also right to tell me this? i would understand. but we do not live together yet how much independance does he need? it is true moving in together is he freaking out?
Mrin Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) Ok OP, let's see if this helps at all. Try it on. First - you need to confront this issue. Not him - the issue. If you don't you will just have more of the same, will end up making you crazy and drive him completely away. So - you're going to confront this issue. Right? Now, here are some things to think about and ways you can do that: 1. Is he self aware or has some self awareness? If the answer to that is no, then ditch him. You sound like your have your act together and are self aware yourself. Why a woman such as you would choose to be in a LTR with a guy who isn't self aware makes no sense. It is like trying to play tennis with someone without arms. 2. Let's assume he's self aware. You should arrange for a dinner (at home or in a restaurant where you feel comfortable talking ) with him. 3. Approach the conversation as discussing what's going on in the relationship and how it occurs for you. How it makes you feel. Rather than what he's doing. There is a subtle nuance here but bear with me. I'll give you an example at the end. 4. What this does is focus the conversation on your needs (that's an okay word to use) in the relationship and allows him to find a way to address (read: fix) them. Remember, we dudes like to fix stuff. Conversely, if you focus the discussion on what he's doing or not doing then that becomes accusatory and we men like to exonerate ourselves. I know, talking about your needs is really vulnerable. I get that. But then again, this is a long term relationship you are trying to salvage. It is time to be vulnerable. Also, remember you are being vulnerable about you - what you need. Being really straightforward about your needs in a relationship is actually really strong if you think about it. Think of you building that house - if you were really upfront with the builder about what you wanted, then that's strong. But if you weren't, that's weak. Vulnerability often equals strength. So, here's an example of how it could go: Issue: Needing to feel like he's making the effort You: Hey, I know we've both been busy lately and haven't been as close. That affects me and I know you can sense it. That's probably frustrating for you. I want to give you a little more detail about that. One of the things I need in our relationship is the feeling that we're both in this 100%. That we're both making the effort. When I don't feel that way, honestly, it feels pretty awful. I'll be really open here, it feels like I am not wanted. Have you ever felt unwanted? Him: Maybe, I guess so... You: Tell me about it Him: <shares story> You: How did that make you feel? Him: Pretty bad. Man, I make you feel that way? You: You aren't doing anything per se. I know you have the best intentions. But sometimes the circumstances of our relationship do make me feel that way. Him: Whoa, I don't want you to feel unwanted. What should I do? Do you want some flowers or something? You: <laugh>, no, I don't need flowers or something. But since you asked, here are the things that make me feel like you are making the effort. I know it is silly but I love it when you text me good morning. It makes me realize that you're thinking of me. I also love it when you do X, Y and Z. Him: You do? That seems so easy. You: It is like gold to me. Now, what are some things that I can do to make you feel wanted? Him: <sexual comment> ---------------------- That's so much better than this: You: I don't feel like you're making the effort anymore in this relationship. Not like before. You don't text me good morning anymore and honestly, it feels like you're checking out. Him: I'm not checking out. Look, I am really busy. My boss is riding my butt and I didn't get that promotion. And now you're telling me I'm not making the effort in this relationship because what, I don't text you good morning anymore?! Look, I am busting my tail to make enough money to buy this house with you and this is all about a good morning text message? Aren't we beyond that sort of thing?! Edited April 4, 2017 by Mrin 5
Author bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Mrin WOW i will definitely try this thank you SO much for taking time to answer. I have already tried the 'how i feel' conersation but i did not have the words to continue it just spiraled into (sweet) accusations. this is really helpful and thanks again. 1
preraph Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 If you weren't building a house together (is the foundation laid yet? Or just plans?) I'd tell you to stop communicating with him and see how long it took him to wake up and contact you. Not because of playing games, but to see whether you are really on his mind or if it's just out of sight, out of mind. And then also because sometimes we get in a habit of one person leading, so the other one gives up and just follows, and that would force him out of that complacency. But if you've got the foundation laid on a house, you have to confront him and say, "Hey, I feel like we have a real problem in our relationship and here we are building a house together. We need to talk." If it's still just in the paper stage, I say tell him you think you better either cancel the house or get a real estate lawyer to transfer the land deed to him and work out the payment plan. Because something isn't right. 1
Mrin Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Mrin WOW i will definitely try this thank you SO much for taking time to answer. I have already tried the 'how i feel' conersation but i did not have the words to continue it just spiraled into (sweet) accusations. this is really helpful and thanks again. No worries. Just to add, we guys can be really sensitive to a perceived criticism and the second we catch a whiff of it (real or not) then we go into defense attorney mode. Then the productive conversation is over. I guess we're all like that regardless of gender. So you almost have to go out of your way and almost approach the whole conversation with a "he doesn't intend to do any of these things" type mindset or the conversation will eventually turn adversarial. It is hard - I know. But that's just life.
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Is this actually a building project? You've called it a project so I'm thinking it involves a lot more than renting a place. You also said you've had your head in this project or similar words so it could be that he feels all there is going on for you is the 'project' rather than the relationship. You did appear to come in a bit all guns blazing with your opening post too (no offence intended here OP) but if that is the way you communicate with him also then that kind of confrontational dialogue could make a person run. It does also seem a jump to go from not living together to perhaps building a place (if that is indeed what the project is). That is a lot to jump into prior to even just a trial run of living together. What is the project exactly?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Have you asked him directly if he still wants to live with you? It seems pretty clear he's losing interest in the relationship. How frequently do you see each other, and when was the last time he asked you to get together?
Author bishop Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Hey gemma, preraph and expat you are right, i was angry when writing the post! and also i have observed, when i come in too nice on forums i get mean answers. its like human nature takes advantage of nice people. And I wanted an opinion not a judgment ie poor life choice ect... so to cut the BS i'd rather come on strong we obviously dont live in the same reality and i really dont care what they have to say. so if I can scare off a few pricks i'm fine with that. I communicate more peacefully especially to my boyfriend. i guess i just needed the words. weather its a house, a building, a trailer, a teepee or a hobbit house, i'm living with the same person thats why i did not choose to expand on that subject. its something i can always get out of without loosing too many feathers. noone really feels trapped by this project. I ask him directly of course, he says yes he wants to continue. So, I trust he knows what he wants, as he is an independant grown man. Mrin summed it up beautifully I'll come back and write what happened. Also Preraph has a good point with the leading idea, he lost his driver's licence a year ago and i have basically been his taxi he feel's bad about asking me to come pick him up ect... so i've been the one initiating contact most of the time Thank you everyone for your imput, its been helpful have a great day 2
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