cwashi04 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I have been married for 8 years now. During this time, I have had 2 children and lost my mother. Whole I was dating my husband, i had issues with his insecure and very messy sister in law. He forewarned me about her before I met her which indicated to me that he saw that there could potentially be an issue. I could not stand her but I continued to come around for him. For years I dealt with her passive aggressive jabs as he begged me to not say anything to her. Well, after dealing with years of bs from my husband as well, postpartum depression and losing my mother all at the same time, I became a ball of anger. I have never been an angry person before. After I lost my mother, i began to blow up on MY family and friends who hurt me or was inconsiderate. At this time, I could no longer be fake with his sil so I told her my feelings about her. She became offended and stopped talking to me. Of course this became awkward for the family. I apologized to her because I didn't intended for that to happen. My husband started to exclude me from EVERYTHING. He was a huge part of mental breakdown. He was not supoort or loving and woukd laugh when I became emotional. It also seemed like everyone tip toed around his sister in law. Here we are many apologies and counseling sessions later on my part, I am in a better place and hindsight is 20/20. I realize that he was the source of much of my anger and the fact that he turned his back on me and left me to fight this burden alone is hard for me to forgive at times. Here were are 3 years after the fact and he still does not include me in family stuff but allows her to come around me and to me that's not fair. So I have made the decision to take control and not attend anything of his as it relates to fish family and friends and I am comfortable with that. He will be upset at me for not attending certain things bUT I don't care. Am I wrong?
Simple Logic Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 From what you have stated, it appears you have difficulty with one member of his family and you have had issues you have been addressing. If you eliminate yourself from all family functions, you are basically isolating yourself. Your goal should be highlighting your improvements and building new bridges vs going underground.
Author cwashi04 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Thanks for that advice. I didnt look at it that way. I guess because now I am extremely uncomfortable, i just decided to stay away and it hurt my feelings that my husband excluded me. I will reconsider....
NTV Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I would look at the feeling unsupported during the loss of your mother. Has that come up in your counseling sessions?
Author cwashi04 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Yes and I realize that he, at the time, was a person who didn't know how to be there for others during events like that, he is extremely uncomfortable with it all. He had made progress but it's still hard for me to get over it. I have held myself accountable for my actions during that time but he won't truly take some responsibility for the way he treated me which contributed to my behavior.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Yes and I realize that he, at the time, was a person who didn't know how to be there for others during events like that, he is extremely uncomfortable with it all. He had made progress but it's still hard for me to get over it. I have held myself accountable for my actions during that time but he won't truly take some responsibility for the way he treated me which contributed to my behavior. Sounds like you're making progress because you're starting to realize these are two separate issues - - how our spouses support us in times of need - how we deal with vexing people in our lives I personally think you're making too big a deal out of the second issue. I have an alcoholic, loud-mouthed, 40-yr old still-sponging-off-his-parents BIL I can't stand for obvious reasons. And yet for the 3-4 times a year I see him, I bite my tongue out of respect for my wife. Not my cross to bear just as I don't think she's your issue... Mr. Lucky 1
LoriCroit Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I can understand how these past 8 years have been difficult with issues between you and your sil. It sounds like the family as well as your husband protects her to some degree and it is what it is. Not to mention the struggles that you were having after your mother’s passing and your postpartum. I really feel for what you are going through. Removing yourself from those family events will potentially harm your marriage and yours and your children’s relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. Perhaps after you have had time to grieve the loss of your mother and level out from giving birth, you and your husband can sit down and talk about all this and come up with a solution for everyone to benefit from. We have had our share of “family issues” in the past, and even though we were not “church-goers” we found comfort in learning to pray together. After a while, we found that it helped bring us closer together, it strengthened our marriage, and we were able to solve a lot of potential problems before they manifested into something greater. I do wish you well, and will pray God’s blessings on you for this important family matter. 1
NTV Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Sounds like you're making progress because you're starting to realize these are two separate issues - - how our spouses support us in times of need - how we deal with vexing people in our lives I personally think you're making too big a deal out of the second issue. I have an alcoholic, loud-mouthed, 40-yr old still-sponging-off-his-parents BIL I can't stand for obvious reasons. And yet for the 3-4 times a year I see him, I bite my tongue out of respect for my wife. Not my cross to bear just as I don't think she's your issue... Mr. Lucky Just wanted to follow up and say that I think this is spot on advice for you right here.
Telemachus Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 You're only wrong in saying that your husband was the source or cause of your anger. Anger comes from within. Your anger comes from within you, and you can either embrace it or reject it. Otherwise, it seems that you have your head screwed on very straight. Regarding your husband's sister in law, it's reasonable to ask that he not allow her in your house, even if that means exclusing his brother from your house. Your husband can visit with them at his brother's house, without you. This is looking down the road, but you may find that once your husband's parents are both deceased, he may find much less in common with, and spend less time with, his brother and sister in law. In many families, adult siblings drift apart once their parents are gone. That has been the case in my family - my parents are gone, and my siblings and I are still emotionally close, but we don't spend much time together anymore.
Author cwashi04 Posted April 7, 2017 Author Posted April 7, 2017 Thanks for the advice everyone. Just to clarify that his sister in law has gotten under my skin since I've met her. But she started to become downright disrespectful. I was able to tolerate her until my mother passed and I became extremely angry. My husband would ignore me when I became emotional and even played on my emotions which is why I blame him at times. I took control by threatening to leave him especially when he initially would not go to counseling with me. I was more hurt than anything that he did not at least remain neutral especially since I have tried to communicate to him all of this time that I didn't even know who I was at that time. He is uncomfortable with any conflict and any communication at all, he shuts down. So I can't talk to him. The way he deals with it is excluding me but not to mention that almost everyone in his family has had words with his sil at some point in time. He gets mad at me for talking about feeling excluded but the only way that I know how to deal is to not come around for anything since he has made me feel unwelcomed.
NTV Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 It helps me. Alot. No guarantees in this world though. Ever. lol.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Thanks for the advice everyone. Just to clarify that his sister in law has gotten under my skin since I've met her. But she started to become downright disrespectful. I was able to tolerate her until my mother passed and I became extremely angry. Again, hard to tell if the problem is her or your reaction to her. If she wants to make an *ss of herself, let that be about her. If you allow yourself to be sucked into her drama, it tends to become about you. You could reduce your stress considerably by simply staying above the fray. My BIL has attempted to involve me in everything from political discussions to inappropriate sexual innuendo to racist/sexist statements. I just smile, shake my head and move on to someone else. I honestly couldn't care less what he says, thinks or does, you should feel the same way... Mr. Lucky
Author cwashi04 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 So I understand now that my reaction to her was due to my anger, otherwise I would have been able to tolerate her. My problem now is the way my husband has excluded me from certain thingsituations. I have never said anything to her in tbe presence of anyone else, but I do understand that he was uncomfortable with it all. But I am still his wife and it hurts my feelings that we have all moved on from this but he still chooses to exclude me at times. But my only defense to that is to not attend any of his family and friendsget togethers.
knitwit Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I'm not saying that this is a healthy decision or one that would lead to a stronger marriage, but if my husband wanted to exclude me from something like a family gathering, I would give him what he wants without any push-back from me. In other words, I would go along with his desire to keep you separate. Go do your own thing. It sucks, and I also would find it hurtful. At the same time, what other choice do you have? Beg him to let you go to his family things, beg him to give you the pleasure of dealing with his obnoxious SIL? You are his wife, you should come first, but "shoulds" are just wishes. He is not doing what he "should." So I would be doing what you are doing, which is opting out and refusing to be anywhere near her. I'd take the kids and go do something awesome, or give him the kids to take with him and go do something awesome, LOL. Even just a hot bubble bath and reading a book, or taking a hike- anything that would not be damaging but would be soothing would be on my list of things to do on my own; cheap movies, visiting a local library or our YMCA, or other inexpensive and fun family things would be on my list with the kids. My husband was being a jerk last year about Mothers Day, so I left him at home, and took my son and my Mom to the local Zoo, then my mom treated us to dinner. We had a great day, and I didn't have to mollify or even look at my husband. He went to dinner with his mom and sister, grudgingly, but it was entirely his choice. It sucks that he wasn't supportive, but life is short. If my H doesn't want to celebrate me as his son's Mom, then he just doesn't. My job isn't to change his mind. I only have a few more Mother's Days with my son while he is small, so I made sure to make great memories and enjoy the day. I did tell my H that it was a shame we were moving apart when we could be working together. He just rolled his eyes. He wasn't thrilled that I was going off and doing my own Mom thing but what could he do about it? Maybe he thought I was going to sit around angry or sullen about him? I don't know. It will be interesting to see what he does or doesn't do/say this year. I am thinking of taking my son to a nearby amusement park since he is now big enough for most of the rides, and it is early in the season so admission is less money. Hopefully my H will be in a better state of mind and will join us, but if not, my son and I will have a blast. If you continue to opt out, if you haven't yet, I think that you need to communicate exactly what you're doing and why. That you would prefer to be a united front, to be able to go to family events together, and that you wish he would protect you and put you first as his wife. But since he is not willing to do any of those things, you're left to manage this stuff on your own. Ask him if he is willing to readdress any of this or work on improving things, so that you can work together instead of building independent lives from each other. If he's not, you can't waste your life sitting around and feeling bad. The thing is, this does create, and then worsen big cracks in the marriage. These cracks can grown into chasms. But at least it's not just going along with it and getting even more resentful. It's not letting yourself be beaten down emotionally. It's taking some control of your own life, your own days. Your kids are small now, and they won't be small for much longer because time flies! Spend as much time as you can enjoying them, loving them. Life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed. When you can, put yourself in situations that are good for you, and enjoyable. Do not lose days of life and your own peace of mind over your husband's family, since he is basically leaving you on your own anyway! My hope for you is that your husband becomes willing to work with you. As a spouse, he should be standing up for you and not letting his family members treat you badly (and vice versa, if your family was not treating him well.) But, there is a saying: "Nothing chances, if nothing changes!" So change, and empower yourself, and live in a way that brings less stress and more satisfaction. And hopefully your husband will see this and decide to make a change as well- but if he doesn't, you are still finding ways to live well. 1
knitwit Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Again, hard to tell if the problem is her or your reaction to her. If she wants to make an *ss of herself, let that be about her. If you allow yourself to be sucked into her drama, it tends to become about you. You could reduce your stress considerably by simply staying above the fray. My BIL has attempted to involve me in everything from political discussions to inappropriate sexual innuendo to racist/sexist statements. I just smile, shake my head and move on to someone else. I honestly couldn't care less what he says, thinks or does, you should feel the same way... Mr. Lucky I don't think the SIL is really the big issue. To me, the issue is that her husband isn't standing up for her and is instead opting to keep her out of the family events. You might be feel differently if your wife stopped inviting you to the family events, while still going herself, because of how you handle the BIL- this is the scenario that I'm getting from the OP's posts. 1
MuddyFootprints Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 (edited) When I got married I became part of his family. Damn right I'd push back if I were excluded from family gatherings because of personal relationships I had with certain in-laws. I don't want my husband to fight my battles for me or even take my side. Though, I do expect him to listen to me vent. I probably don't have many in-law sibling fans and I may not be their biggest fan, either. I do love my parents-in-law and would do anything for them. And, I will do everything I can to encourage the relationships my kids have with their aunts, uncles, and cousins. Setting aside your differences for half a day shouldn't be such a difficult thing to do. Edited April 9, 2017 by MuddyFootprints
Author cwashi04 Posted April 9, 2017 Author Posted April 9, 2017 I feel extremely hurt that I was able to put up with her crappie for 4 years or more but as soon as I go through something extremely heavy in my life that may have caused a change in my behavior, i am kicked to the curb, especially from my husband. I don't care about her but I don't want to feel excluded. We are able to be in the sense room and not even speak and at this point I am fine with with that. I am not ok with my husband and how he has handled this especially since I've had to either have his back or try to remain neutral in situations involving my family. I thought about leaving at one point because this was unforgivable to me. I will just live my life separately and let the chips fall where they may:(
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 I don't think the SIL is really the big issue. To me, the issue is that her husband isn't standing up for her and is instead opting to keep her out of the family events. You might be feel differently if your wife stopped inviting you to the family events, while still going herself, because of how you handle the BIL- this is the scenario that I'm getting from the OP's posts. Agreed but that's a separate issue from the OP's previous problems with his family. No question his excluding her is hurtful... Mr. Lucky
BluesPower Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 You are right to feel hurt... Not that I am religious any more, but "a man leaves his mother and father and clings go his wife". This is the problem. He has never had your back because he is a puss. In every way. With my wife, when my mom did not like my wife, I respectfully to her and everyone else to "Kiss my A**". Deal with it or get lost. Your husband is wrong in every way. He is afraid to stand up to his family. Probably because she is the favored child of the family. Or if married to his brother, then he is and no one dares taking on the favored child of the family. If your marriage is not a good one, get out. How any woman could put up with a weak man like this is beyond me. I know that a lot do, but I never understood it. Either find a way to actually talk to him about this and work it out or get out. What he is doing is wrong...
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