edwardooo Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) Hey all, I've never posted on a thread like this before but could do with some outside opinions on my situation! I'm 28 and have had a very good history of success with girls. Usually I know how to play things with girls but this one has got me a bit unsure of how to play it... Timeline: - Matched with girl on Tinder 2 and a half weeks ago. - She instigated lots of rapid message convos, we then went on date 2 days later - really amazing date, loads of chemistry, beautiful and interesting girl, we got quite drunk and started kissing loads half way through the date - she messaged me straight after date saying how much fun she had and how we should do lunch, we message back and forth flirting for a while, then sleep. - next morning she messages first and we message every day for a whole week, conversation really flows (normally she'd start the conversations), she also sent me lots of pics of what she was up to, including cute pics of her. - there seemed to be no messaging games, she'd reply usually straight away, sometimes I'd leave it a bit longer, like an hour max but then she'd usually still message back within 15 mins. I thought to myself how refreshing it was not to have to play the games. - we go on second date exactly one week after the first date, I booked a table at an underground 'speak easy' bar. We get drunk again and kiss loads again. I pay the bar bill and for a taxi for us home, drop her off without any pressure to spend the night together... playing the long game. ; ) - she messages me straight away again saying what a great night she had and then we both exchange some pretty sexual messaging, I said 'why aren't you in my bed? haha' to wish she replies 'I dont know!' and 'I want to keep you up all night ' etc but ultimately blames being drunk for the reason we didn't stay together which is fine. - the next day she starts messaging me again first, i can tell we're both buzzing about the date, rapidly messaging. Then she suggests grabbing lunch that day, as she happens to live opposite my work. I said yes and we grab lunch. - over lunch, we kiss a couple of times but it doesn't flow quite so much because we're both hungover, it's daytime, we're in a cafe with kids etc, the atmosphere basically isn't so conducive. Im also a bit stressed because I don't usually have a lunch break and my work email inbox starts going crazy, so I have to check my phone quite a bit. When I do check my phone I say to her 'sorry, not being rude, my inbox is just getting flooded!', I'd actually had 18 emails in the 20mins since we'd met, to which I showed her and joked about. URGH! Conversation doesn't flow quite so well on this meeting, i'm actually quite nervous too because I'm so attracted to her. We leave each other and hug and share a nice kiss. - messaging again later that day, she sounds like she's hinting at wanting to meet up the following day, so I ask her if she wants to do something to which she replies something like 'I'm going to have to say no, as its my last night in my house *she was moving house the next day* and i'm hanging with my housemates saying bye to them properly', i think thats a legit excuse, i reply saying 'no worries, to be honest, 3 days in a row is quite intense right?! haha' to which she replies ' wouldn't want you getting bored of me.. ' - then the next day, I decide not to contact her because I feel like i gave her slightly too much power by letting her decline my previous offer to meet. - she doesn't contact me either - on the Saturday, i message her asking if she's all set for her moving day and saying i hope it goes smooth. She replies saying shes all set etc, I reply with something else, she doesn't reply until 8 hours later that evening (which is understandable because shes moving), I reply within an hour, she doesn't reply even though shes seen the message... - Sunday evening, 24 hrs later, she replies to my message saying what a busy weekend it was etc. I reply within the hour, again she sees the message but doesn't respond... - It's now Tuesday afternoon and she hasn't responded still. - I know she's away with work later this week and also goes on holiday soon for a week, so I guess she's busy BUT she's gone from being insanely keen and messaging all the time, to being really quiet which is odd... My main question is... a) Do you think she is still keen but now testing me by playing a 'hard to get' game and trying to make me chase her? b) do you think she's just lost interest for some reason? How should I play this? I was thinking of not contacting her until at least tomorrow and then maybe saying something casual like 'hope all's good, it'd be great to hang again, i think you said you were away this week, so let me know when you're around..' I really like this girl and just want to play this one right... Any thoughts or suggestions are welcomed. Thanks! Edited April 4, 2017 by edwardooo
Erik30 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 My guess is she probably lost interest after that last date. Suddenly taking a long time to reply is usually a bad sign. And maybe she met a new guy on Tinder... Try to set up a date. If she's "too busy" you'll have your answer
TheTraveler Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I pay the bar bill and for a taxi for us home, drop her off without any pressure to spend the night together... playing the long game. ; ) WHY? :facepalm:
ExpatInItaly Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Well, if she's on Tinder she is quite possibly talking to other guys at the same time. Someone else might have caught her eye. But, you don't need to approach this as a game. She could well have thought you were playing games when didn't message her after she had to decline meeting you because she was saying good-bye. In your own words, that was a legitimate reason to turn down an invitation. But then you go on to say you decided not to message her the following day because you gave her too much power letting her decline? No. You are actually the one playing a game there and it's so pointless. Don't do that in the future. If you like a person, it's okay to get in touch and skip the silly power-play. Just ask her if she would like to have lunch/dinner on X-day. Be direct. None of this "let me know when you're around." That will leave you hanging. The way she responds will give you your answer as to whether she's still interested. If she says yes, arrange a date. Make sure it's not a time when you'll need to be checking your work emails so much. That's very off-putting, so it's better to see each other when there are fewer distractions. Also, don't make it a booze-soaked event. It's hard to get to the know the real person when alcohol is lubricating the situation too much. 2
Author edwardooo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 My guess is she probably lost interest after that last date. Suddenly taking a long time to reply is usually a bad sign. And maybe she met a new guy on Tinder... Try to set up a date. If she's "too busy" you'll have your answer I think you're probably right... as much as I don't want to accept defeat here. It's weird though because even on the last lunch date, she mentioned this new French bar opening and she said we should go there together... I think I'll leave it until tomorrow and then give her a really casual shout...
Author edwardooo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Well, if she's on Tinder she is quite possibly talking to other guys at the same time. Someone else might have caught her eye. But, you don't need to approach this as a game. She could well have thought you were playing games when didn't message her after she had to decline meeting you because she was saying good-bye. In your own words, that was a legitimate reason to turn down an invitation. But then you go on to say you decided not to message her the following day because you gave her too much power letting her decline? No. You are actually the one playing a game there and it's so pointless. Don't do that in the future. If you like a person, it's okay to get in touch and skip the silly power-play. Just ask her if she would like to have lunch/dinner on X-day. Be direct. None of this "let me know when you're around." That will leave you hanging. The way she responds will give you your answer as to whether she's still interested. If she says yes, arrange a date. Make sure it's not a time when you'll need to be checking your work emails so much. That's very off-putting, so it's better to see each other when there are fewer distractions. Also, don't make it a booze-soaked event. It's hard to get to the know the real person when alcohol is lubricating the situation too much. Thanks, useful feedback. I think you are totally right... I should have messaged her the next day. I wanted to but thought it might come across too keen, especially after being declined (albeit legitimately). Ok cool, I will ask her more directly if she wants to hang again. Do you think it's best I wait any longer or message her today?
Redhead14 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 "i gave her slightly too much power by letting her decline my previous offer" -- ???? This statement indicates an attitude that would be off-putting to me if it is something that pervades your overall demeanor and personality . . . Other than that, I'd just let this one go. If she is playing a game but is really interested . . . she's not very good at the game. 2
thompkevin Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Hey, I agree with ExpatinItaly. The only way to stop the mind games is to be direct and honest. If she doesn't reply when you text her, you will have your answer. You can also be honest to her about liking her because she doesn't play mind games like the other girls on Tinder. And you hope that it will be something real.
Author edwardooo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 "i gave her slightly too much power by letting her decline my previous offer" -- ???? This statement indicates an attitude that would be off-putting to me if it is something that pervades your overall demeanor and personality . . . Other than that, I'd just let this one go. If she is playing a game but is really interested . . . she's not very good at the game. Fair. Bad choice of words on my part on that. I wrote this post quickly and freestyled it, hence the scatty nature of it. I'm not a bad guy, promise. 1
Author edwardooo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 doesn't matter what you really are, she's gone cold on you and there's no way to get it back Maybe you're right... we'll see... I just messaged her asking if she fancies joining me at a opening for a nice market on Saturday, so I'll have a clearer idea shortly... if she doesn't reply thats a pretty clear indication. Thanks everyone for your comments.
reeseyummy Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Hey, I agree with ExpatinItaly. The only way to stop the mind games is to be direct and honest. If she doesn't reply when you text her, you will have your answer. You can also be honest to her about liking her because she doesn't play mind games like the other girls on Tinder. And you hope that it will be something real. As a girl, I would enjoy a guy being direct. She seems to like you a lot too, tell her before it's too late. She messages you a lot, and she might be the one worrying SHE is giving you too much power. She might not be playing mind games, she doesn't want to screw this up either by seeming too eager (desperate) Good luck!
bishop Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 DUDE! romantic gesture She sounds like she likes you!! but moving is serious. maybe you put her off by being insensitive to the fact that she is having a big change in her life. or in any case, you have nothing to loose, so i would suggest a romantic gesture
Mkn1010 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 My guess is that she got very insecure quick when she didn't hear from you at all that day after the lunch date. She then went full flight into self-preservation mode and instituted a fade out situation so that she could feel on top/less anxious! If I'm right, she's NOT in a good place to date anyone in a meaningful capacity. I think a lot of girls on Tinder (including me when I used it once) are just there in a bit of a transitional phase, not fully in an emotionally stable mindset for a relationship. Do you know anything about when her last long term relationship was/how that ended etc? The other option is that you guys went in WAY too quickly, too much OTT contact and those intense flames burn out just as quick as they begin (or whatever that saying is). Please consider the value in a slow burn next time.
hercules22 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 dating is dangerous so many hot and cold situations its annoying and once one person screws it up by playing the stupid dating games the other person ends up thinking interest is lost lol
Author edwardooo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 dating is dangerous so many hot and cold situations its annoying and once one person screws it up by playing the stupid dating games the other person ends up thinking interest is lost lol Update here... I asked if she wanted to do something at the weekend and she sent me a fairly short / uninteresting 'phase out' kind of message a few hours later. I know those messages when I see them because I've sent a fair few in my time. lol. I guess it's a taste of my own medicine. I have a very strong feeling that she matched with someone else and is now obsessing over him, she seemed very needy on the messaging front and maybe I couldn't match her on it. Thanks for everyones comments, I think I will try and avoid the games in the future, even though I feel like I wasn't being too overly 'gamey' here anyway, I was just trying to play it a bit cooler and not overcrowd her at a busy time. It's tough because sometimes you do have to play them even when you don't really want to... it just feels like human nature and a way of protecting yourself and progressing things further. Anyway... luckily I've already set up a date with another cute girl for this Friday. If this one messes up though, I may have to quit Tinder and go back to try to meet people in real life. x
Author edwardooo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 DUDE! romantic gesture She sounds like she likes you!! but moving is serious. maybe you put her off by being insensitive to the fact that she is having a big change in her life. or in any case, you have nothing to loose, so i would suggest a romantic gesture Thanks man, I think this one is dead in the water. On to the next now.
TheTraveler Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Update here... I asked if she wanted to do something at the weekend and she sent me a fairly short / uninteresting 'phase out' kind of message a few hours later. I know those messages when I see them because I've sent a fair few in my time. lol. I guess it's a taste of my own medicine. I have a very strong feeling that she matched with someone else and is now obsessing over him, she seemed very needy on the messaging front and maybe I couldn't match her on it. Thanks for everyones comments, I think I will try and avoid the games in the future, even though I feel like I wasn't being too overly 'gamey' here anyway, I was just trying to play it a bit cooler and not overcrowd her at a busy time. It's tough because sometimes you do have to play them even when you don't really want to... it just feels like human nature and a way of protecting yourself and progressing things further. Anyway... luckily I've already set up a date with another cute girl for this Friday. If this one messes up though, I may have to quit Tinder and go back to try to meet people in real life. x Next time, go back to hers or your place and close the deal. Chalk it up as a learning experience. 2
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 i reply saying 'no worries, to be honest, 3 days in a row is quite intense right?! haha' to which she replies ' wouldn't want you getting bored of me.. ' - then the next day, I decide not to contact her because I feel like i gave her slightly too much power by letting her decline my previous offer to meet. - she doesn't contact me either ^^^This is when you killed it. YOU basically said it was not what you wanted and underlined that thought by not contacting her. YOU added the haha but it was not seen by her as a joke, she maybe took that to mean you were not that interested in taking things further and in effect rejecting her. You had 3 hot dates and the next step was sex and there you were saying it was just as well she couldn't see you as it was already too much... YOU put the brakes on and then stopped the contact, what on earth was she supposed to think? You were I guess supposed to say "Well that is a real shame, but we'll catch up on ...day right?" She may also have thought that because she was seeing her friends that night you were sulking as you were not getting the sex, as that was the obvious next step. The 'no worries, to be honest, 3 days in a row is quite intense right?! haha was really a passive aggressive jibe from you and you continued to "punish" her by not contacting her the next day... She may have seen that as a red flag. Always be very careful with "jokes" with people you do not know very well. Forget the power plays. Most people can see right through them and it turns them off. If you want a good honest woman then be a good honest man. If you want a game player as a partner then go right ahead keep playing those games. 4
Author edwardooo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 ^^^This is when you killed it. YOU basically said it was not what you wanted and underlined that thought by not contacting her. YOU added the haha but it was not seen by her as a joke, she maybe took that to mean you were not that interested in taking things further and in effect rejecting her. You had 3 hot dates and the next step was sex and there you were saying it was just as well she couldn't see you as it was already too much... YOU put the brakes on and then stopped the contact, what on earth was she supposed to think? You were I guess supposed to say "Well that is a real shame, but we'll catch up on ...day right?" She may also have thought that because she was seeing her friends that night you were sulking as you were not getting the sex, as that was the obvious next step. The 'no worries, to be honest, 3 days in a row is quite intense right?! haha was really a passive aggressive jibe from you and you continued to "punish" her by not contacting her the next day... She may have seen that as a red flag. Always be very careful with "jokes" with people you do not know very well. Forget the power plays. Most people can see right through them and it turns them off. If you want a good honest woman then be a good honest man. If you want a game player as a partner then go right ahead keep playing those games. You speak sense man. Just to give you more context though... our messaging had quite a lot of banter and jokes. I do think I definitely ****ed it up with that message and the lack of contact though. Ah well, I'll live and learn... hopefully.
Author edwardooo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Next time, go back to hers or your place and close the deal. Chalk it up as a learning experience. I don't think the offer was completely on the table though... which is probably why I found myself liking her so much... Sometimes sleeping with someone too early on can kill the desire / chase. Anyone else agree?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 What was the "phase out" message she sent back, OP?
Author edwardooo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 My guess is that she got very insecure quick when she didn't hear from you at all that day after the lunch date. She then went full flight into self-preservation mode and instituted a fade out situation so that she could feel on top/less anxious! If I'm right, she's NOT in a good place to date anyone in a meaningful capacity. I think a lot of girls on Tinder (including me when I used it once) are just there in a bit of a transitional phase, not fully in an emotionally stable mindset for a relationship. Do you know anything about when her last long term relationship was/how that ended etc? The other option is that you guys went in WAY too quickly, too much OTT contact and those intense flames burn out just as quick as they begin (or whatever that saying is). Please consider the value in a slow burn next time. You could well be right here. She did mention on our second date that her last boyfriend dumped her, which I was surprised about and said something cheesey like 'Why would anyone do that?!' So maybe that effected her. Another random fact, she'd also recently had a boob job, which makes me wonder if shes enjoying the short term attention of that with multiple guys? I agree, it was too intense too quick, I was even joking with my housemate how weird it was how quick she was messaging back all the time, i've never had anyone contact so frequently after just one date.
Author edwardooo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) What was the "phase out" message she sent back, OP? something like 'Heyyy, I'm feeling real stressed as busy day tomorrow. How you? Afraid I'm away at the weekend.' Edited April 5, 2017 by edwardooo
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 something like 'Heyyy, I'm feeling real stressed as busy day tomorrow. How you? Afraid I'm away at the weekend.' Ah. Yes, I would agree this is a brush-off. You gave it a shot. On to the next!
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