eight months in, I'm sobbing like day one. ZERO progress.

[kingofpain]

I'm so incredibly depressed that my waking existence is the hell on earth, and I feel trapped in an existence I have no interest in continuing my obligation to my daughter and by consideration of the pain I would put my mother and other love ones though if I were to end my life. I would never do it. But I think about it all day everyday.

 

I'm 40 years old. I'm pretty eccentric & charismatic in a way that has made me pretty popular throughout my life, especially with women. I have lived as a 'serial monogamist' since I was 16. I have sort of a leadership position in a pretty large community of friends. I have counseled many friends of both sexes and a great range of ages through breakups. I am extremely familiar with the phenomenon by which dumpee perception of a split is distorted by the human tendency to see things out of reach with rose colored lenses, and to discount the value of things that are firmly in one's clutches. I have observed this tendency in myself through many breakups. I have repeatedly been dumped by women who decided that taking me back a third time after I failed to propose marriage on some vacation or another would be just setting themselves up for more pain.

 

To be honest, all but one of my relationships were relationships in which I developed a great care for my partners, but nevertheless felt trapped and like there was someone out there I would have zero doubts about committing to 100%. I have never had the heart, strength or maturity to dump anyone. Any memory of the sight of the crying pain inspires a guilty self-hatred in me that is almost crippling. I am told that I am the ultimate codependent. A vast network of friends relies on me to do everything from swapping out their transmissions to re-writing their master's theses. My life astonishes countless people. I really love helping others. The women in my life have grown frustrated with this.

 

The circumstances in which I met my ex, the intensity of the connection we shared and the seemingly impossible tastes, habits, interests, we had in common combined with our sexual chemistry to convince us both -as virtual atheists- that divine intervention was involved. My ex is only 28yo. We look like we're about the same age. She's been around. She was a celebrity in her teens, with the social/humor aptitude of a late night talk show host the beauty of a movie star from a different era. To me she's the most beautiful woman in the entire world. I am not seeing her nor our relationship through rose-colored glasses; I would have readily said the same things about her at my most complacent, when I most took her for granted. We were together almost six years. We broke up twice before, both times after returning from the tropics on trips in which she expected to be proposed to. During our splits, she would date men I would assess to be men I could never compete with. It would amaze me that she could even find such seemingly perfect men. They would look like Viking movie stars but with refined, obscure tastes and brainpower to boot. And then she would dump them and come back to me.

 

The exes I am friends with after reconnecting following years and years apart have told me that I am an extremely difficult person to break an addiction to, but that they remain convinced that I would never be willing to commit to anybody, including my latest ex (not true). They say that women simply get to a point at which their rational minds do not allow them to set themselves up for further disappointment. I came across a screenshot on my phone yesterday in which my ex had said to a mutual friend "fool me once, fool me twice..."

 

My mother said to me that I would have proposed to her if I really wanted to be with her. To have seen me grieve as I have for the past eight months has changed her mind. I wouldn't expect anybody to understand or to believe me, but there was never a moment at which I did not want to spend the rest of my life with this woman since the day I met her. My post is already unbearably verbose, so I won't venture into explaining the bizarre sequence of absurd coincidences and freak circumstances that always led to me screwing up the proposals, failing to buy a ring in time, etc. I only want to do this once in my life, and I wanted it to be perfect.

 

It would be impossible to exaggerate how much I have learned about relationship skills since this past breakup last summer. I have been heralded as a truly outside-the-box, pioneering, independent thinker in pretty complex fields. But this field has humbled me. No other topic has ever seen me so powerfully influenced by the thinking of another person. I consider the relationship guru I found on youtube to be a virtual saint. To think back only two years ago, to see screenshots of messages I sent her before I started to learn the proper way to see all of this, it's an utterly surreal sensation. My thinking has been so radically transformed that it's bizarre to behold, in front of my own eyes, proof positive that I ever thought so differently, let alone only two years ago.

 

Women are drawn to confidence, and I naturally have quite a bit of it. But fear of losing them during breakups has seen me do things I shutter to recall. Accepting being friend-zoned, chasing, reaching out on flimsy pretexts, even showing up at her work, etc. This was the easy part to learn. Figuring this stuff out quickly won her back in the summer of 2015. For the following nine months, we had the best time of our entire relationship. Then two things happened that set me on a course for the position I'm in now. I became completely absorbed in a legal case in which my tireless, exhausting, pro-bono efforts were critical to the spectacular triumph of a best friend's high-stakes divorce case in which he easily could have ended up not only watching his wonderful children raised around meth addicts, he could've ended up in prison at the hands of an insanely evil woman. The other thing that happened was that I was given a reckless prescription for benzodiazepines as a jet lag sleep-aid by an extremely irresponsible doctor overseas, only to simply absentmindedly quit taking them when I returned to the US despite that I had hundreds of these things left. I had no idea that this could have literally killed me. I thought nothing of these pills. They seemed so innocuous, they just helped me sleep. I spent months suffering from unbelievable withdrawal symptoms that baffled my doctors. I was ultimately called up by a neurologist at 10PM on a Friday night and asked if I had taken any benzodiazepines while I was abroad. They had to put me on a different type of benzodiazepine that I would be weaned off of, and during this time I became an emotional zombie with no libido to speak of. This combined with my complete absorption in my friend's legal case to have me treat my girlfriend with extreme neglect and indifference. Worst of all, when she would sit me down to explain how her needs were not being met, the stress of everything I had going on combined with alcohol to have me pulling the most juvenile, idiotic manipulation tactic of saying "fine, let's just break up." This was a completely insincere bluff. She didn't realize that.

 

Last July after a few weeks of detectable irritability, we had a silly, rare argument and I broke up with her. It was clear she had expected us to break up. I didn't change my tune or beg or plead or cry or anything like that. I was sure that by walking away with self-assuredness she would be chasing me shortly. I was right. But in my abject stupidity, I wasn't happy to merely get her back, I wanted her to beg. The reason is that I wanted SLACK. I wanted us to be back together in a way in which she was super relieved and grateful to have me back in order to buy me some time to get a bunch of loose ends taken care of without her getting on my case about finally moving into the house she had just bought.

 

The gods were sick of my BS, and had other plans. Out of nowhere, she met this 24yo kid. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the photos of her romantic sailboat trip with him that following weekend on Instagram. Within two weeks, he was living in her house, she have added him to her car insurance policy, and she was dressing him to look like me. I will concede that he's pretty damn handsome, but judging from his social media, there's really no mistaking his status as a vacuous dolt. I don't expect many people to understand. It was like she was off her rocker. This is the sort of thing her colleagues have done, with her and the rest of them rolling their eyes and speculating on the absurdity of the rebound psychology inherent in it. I couldn't believe she wasn't embarrassed to be broadcasting it all on social media. I know she was embarrassed to return from our trip without a ring yet again, so I know it was important to her to show her thousands of friends and colleagues that she's doing fine, but I just couldn't believe it that she couldn't herself see how she looked doing all kinds of extremely uncharacteristic things. When we were together and in love, she never wanted anyone else around. In only week two of their whirlwind romance, she was posting embarrassing facebook messages soliciting strangers to accompany her and her new boyfriend on their trips. That probably doesn't sound extreme to anyone reading this, -as if anybody would make it this far into this ridiculous claptrap-, but to know her is to know that it was really, really weird. And it continued.

 

After about a month I received a surprising text from her late at night requesting a "rescue ride." This is a woman who uses Uber to return guest's jackets they've left behind at her cocktail parties. I didn't the text until the next morning. About a month later, I stopped reading her texts. She freaked out. She called me up, hysterical, telling me how miserable she was. She didn't mention the breakup. We also argued over some jointly owned property. It was odd how she kept wanting to lock me down to some arrangement whereby I'd be around a lot working on the house and her cars. What would her new boyfriend think of that? In the middle of November, she texted me ancient photos of us together. She called me up and spent 40 minutes crying while I drunkenly refuted many of her perceptions of why everything fell apart. I called her out on a couple of aspects about her new relationship, and this was a mistake, but she made it clear I was right. I feel that at this point I could've gotten everything back together if I had play my cards right, but I was bitter and I wanted to be some aloof jerk. We didn't speak for the next month, when she took off on Christmas day with the kid to Australia for a month, completely replicating our exact, unbelievably awesome vacation of one year earlier. She had bought all of the tickets when she was only with him for a couple of weeks. That is unmistakable, reckless rebound behavior. I believe I made another blunder when I emailed her just as she was taking off on her trip to profess my love for her. She responded saying she missed me and thought about me often and that we would talk "soon."

 

In late January, a month later, she emailed me frivolous pics of some critter in Australia. I responded telling her I would be back in her town in a couple weeks from the trip I was on, that we should meet up. She ignored my email. Ten days later she sent another email explaining some problem she was having at work and asking for advice. I actually missed that message in my junk folder. A month later (late February), she told our only mutual friend that she was suffering from depression. This is not a gal either of us speaks to very often. Then she emailed me again about some other frivolous trivia. I responded very briefly and politely saying it was neat. Then she asked me how my holidays had been, whether I was in Europe or the states, how I was doing, etc. I responded the next day informing her that I had just landed in her town, asking when she could sneak away, telling her that I want to see her while I was still in town over the next couple weeks. She ignored that message. A couple of days later, her mother texted me some frivolous thing, using a lot of affectionate emojis and so on. This was significant to me because in past years her (very fun) bigmouthed mother had been forbidden from contacting me during breakups. The next day, about a month ago, I stupidly got wasted and reached back out to her telling her that I had never seen that email about her work troubles. When she responded, I was even more wasted and I stupidly lashed out saying that she only reaches out to me to grease the wheels of my repayment of my debt from our property settlement. She responded saying that wasn't true. A week later she asked me how long I would be in town, how I'm doing, how some of the events I was in town for had gone, etc. I answered her and told her to keep in touch. She told me that she misses me and that she hopes we can be friends someday.

 

I immediately told her that this was not a matter of time but rather a matter of self-respect, that I could never be that way with her, and that I hope she understands my request that she not contact me unless she would like to see me. She read the text immediately and never responded. A week later, almost 2 weeks ago, she texted me that some client I had asked to be put in touch with was there with her. I thanked her & wished her a happy upcoming birthday. I did not greet her on her actual birthday and have not heard from her since.

 

I have never looked at any of her social media since the pictures I saw of her with that guy in August. My mother and my stepmother like looking at her FB and then blabbing it to me without regard for how upset it might make me. Yesterday my mother looked at her Facebook and saw the photos she posted of herself with him on her birthday last week. My mother has never really liked her, partly because she remains undyingly loyal to the girlfriend I had before her. But my mother never got to know her at all. Anyway, she says that it's obvious to her that my ex not in love with the new guy. A possibly telling sign is that she refers to him as her "travel buddy." But at the same time it was sort of a milestone yesterday when my mother had to scream it into me that it is time for me to accept that this is how it is, that my ex is nevertheless satisfied with the kid and that it is time for me to move on.

 

I'm so distraught that I experience virtually incessant suicidal ideation. I break down in tears and sob into my pillow or the steering wheel of my parked car several times a day. I have heavily used alcohol as a coping mechanism for the past eight months. I quit for three weeks once in January and I hope to get through today without drinking again. I have attempted to date other women but this is a matter of cynicism and hopelessness for me because I honestly believe it is impossible that I could ever meet somebody that would push my buttons the way she did let alone fall so head over heels in love with me simultaneously. I don't believe lightning strikes twice and I have absolutely zero hope of ever being happy again. I travel a lot. I'm all over the place all the time. As difficult as it is to believe, I don't even *see* women who push my buttons like she could. In the extremely unlikely chance that I might spot a woman I believe rivals her unbelievable beauty, the likelihood of her having comparable taste and personality is simply zilch. I spend my days neglecting extremely serious work and obsessing over this topic. I spend this time lamenting that I am anchored to an existence I am no longer interested in being a part of by my obligation to my teenage daughter and byy the simple fact that it would kill my mother and other loved ones for me to hurl myself off a bridge or something.

 

I have never suffered from clinical depression. Any of my zillion friends would tell you that until last summer I was basically the happiest guy one could ever meet.

Edited April 3, 2017 by kingofpain

[preraph]

You obviously need to go see a psychologist! Why not give yourself some options for easing the pain? You're stuck in a cycle of dispair and depression and you need to break it with probably meds and therapy. Go get help!

 

I'm very sorry you are this down. It's like a spiral downwards if you don't go do something about it. Help yourself.

[kingofpain]

You obviously need to go see a psychologist! Why not give yourself some options for easing the pain? You're stuck in a cycle of dispair and depression and you need to break it with probably meds and therapy. Go get help!

 

I'm very sorry you are this down. It's like a spiral downwards if you don't go do something about it. Help yourself.

 

Ive seen two therapists. As you can see, I'm pretty unbearably verbose. I don't blame you that there's little chance that you actually read that whole crazy thing. Anyway, I haven't enjoyed seeing therapists, and I am really creeped out by antidepressants.

 

My existence is hell punctuated by moments of hope that I might hear from her again.

[Redhead14]

Listen, I don't know how long you spent with those psychologists, but can't possibly have been as long or longer than the 8 months that have passed since your break up. My point is it's taken a lot longer for all this to develop than the effort you've put into addressing your "issues".

 

What you are doing now ISN'T WORKING. So, frankly, you have nothing to lose by putting more effort into talking with a psychologist. You do not have to go on antidepressants if you are so opposed to them. But talking is the best thing you can do for yourself. It takes quite awhile to start experiencing the benefits of visiting a psychologist. That does not happen overnight or in a few sessions. If you dedicate some of the time and emotion you are expending to something that is more positive, you'll be better off. You probably would benefit from CBT therapy. That will give you some coping skills that are healthy.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I can understand it. I guess you must be feeling that somehow you brought this upon yourself too, as you make clear that you have resolutely avoided a marriage commitment over the years. There is no reason that I can see why everyone should have the instinct to propose and marry someone. It's partly a cultural idea, but I guess the commitment to a single person can take many forms. It sounds like it was there for you but you were not demonstrating it in a way that your ex understood.

 

One thing that seemed to be a theme was that you keep women dangling at arms length. If they try to get too close, want too much, you push them away. In the past, they have come back to you a few times, but then you push them away. The ways in which you push them away seem to vary from lack of overt commitment to ending up in arguments with them. The end result is the same - push until they finally give up. This can't be good for you or them and it might really help you to talk this through with a competent therapist who can get to the bottom of why this happens.

 

I have some recent experience of a push/pull relationship. You are encouraged, praised, cared for and then kicked back. A person can only cope with that a few times before they detect a pattern and have to decide whether to risk that situation again. Unless you can change the outcome, with some kind of clear commitment and devotion (if not marriage), then you will just have the same pattern.

 

Push/pull relationships can be exciting. There is an element of 'we have overcome this displacement to our relationship and we are good now, we are obviously meant to be' But then the push tips both into an unstable state again. Is it exciting to you? It can be to a partner but most people will eventually decide the ride is too rough and will opt out. As far as I can see, unless you can look into why your relationships are like this, you are not going to find a solution that you can offer your ex or any future partner. It seems to me that there is a lot of scope for good relationships in the future if you can tackle these issues.

[kingofpain]

Profusest thanks for reading my absurd verbal diarrhea you guys.

 

I only went to three different therapist appointments with two different therapists. I get the sense that it gets old listening to me drone on and on about this. If I am honest to myself I think all I was looking for at the appointments was another voice to tell me there is still hope with her.

 

I know CBT stuff is legit on the basis of my friends' advice. I'm just not exactly a highly suggestible type. I guess that's probably a stupidly presumptuous thing to say.

 

I believe I have a pretty good handle on the psychology of my relationship patterns. I think it's pretty simple, I never wanted to commit because I always thought something else better was waiting for me, but I couldn't walk away cause I felt too guilty to do so. I know I am currently in the mix such that I can be wisely assumed not to see things straight right now, but I have thought long and hard about this while I was not in the mix, while I was utterly immersed in her love. I sure as hell never felt that way about her. I did about every other girlfriend. I would have absolutely no problem marrying her. The problem is that I am the single worst procrastinator on planet earth. When I spoke to her in November and she was crying and I was drunk one of her final statements was "all I wanted was some form of commitment" hrough a barrage of tears. I mean she was with this guy then, can you guys advise me if it's really possible to be with some rebounds for a few months, act this way towards your ex, and only *later* fall in love with the rebound? Anyway she tried to press for us to do it this past summer because she didn't want to have braces on in her wedding photos if we waited until the summer of 2017. I wanted it to be the summer of 2017 so that all of my family coming from Europe to see the eclipse could attend. In other words, we talked it through. It went without saying it was going to happen. And then I started acting like a jerk. I was really stressed out. That legal case wasn't the only thing I had on my plate. I took her for granted and broke her heart by pretending for a solid month like a total moron juvenile that I wanted to break up.

 

See, I'm doing it again like a complete lunatic.

 

Hopefully now that I asked her not to contact me she will stop reaching out and hoping we can be friends. This will allow me to lose hope and eventually hopefully come to terms with reality.

 

Anyway thank you so much for reading my thing and talking to me you guys. I really didn't expect anyone to do so when I saw how embarrassingly long that stupid thing was

[preraph]

Ive seen two therapists. As you can see, I'm pretty unbearably verbose. I don't blame you that there's little chance that you actually read that whole crazy thing. Anyway, I haven't enjoyed seeing therapists, and I am really creeped out by antidepressants.

 

My existence is hell punctuated by moments of hope that I might hear from her again.

 

Therapy isn't always enjoyable. Be sure you're seeing qualified psychologists and not some unprofessional type. And tell them exactly what you said above. But you NEED antidepressants. Now, there are a bunch of different ones so if one isn't right, the next one will be, or some combination of that and anxiety med. Nothing will stop this quicker than meds because you have gotten your thinking in a rut. Do not turn your nose up at the meds!

[Bromeo]

King,

 

Love the police reference by the way. I met sting in 2008 at obamas inauguration, and he was funny as hell.

 

First, let's all be hesitant to online prescribe meds until a professional can assess the situation. Psychologists cannot, so perhaps the guidance of a psychiatrist can.

 

Now on to the salient part. For reference op, I felt a certain amount of kinship in your original post. I am 38, crazy professional, very well educated, fit, working on publishing a book, and usually do well with women.

 

And..............wait for it (the other posters know what is coming).....

 

I got destroyed by a woman who was the complete, total opposite. Arrested, abortion, drug use, minimum wage job, etc. I illustrate those points not to condemn her, but to set the stage for what came next.

 

Fast forward 18 months....

 

To summarize my stupidity, I bordered dangerously close to stalker, but in my defense every time I'd back away she'd reach out with I love you's, memes, bikini pics, etc.

 

It's was maddening. 5 months into these asinine games post breakup and I still felt crushed. Finally, before Xmas she basically told me to eat it, so I went (mostly) no contact. Meaning I still stalked her FB page. Bad idea. I didn't listen to everyone here.

 

A month later she emailed, and tried to pull me back in again, and started pushing me away. Memes, quotes, no clear talk, same nonsense. This time it only lasted a week before I told her to pound sand. I felt like an ass for doing so, I couldn't take it any longer.

 

This time I deleted my Facebook. Two full months of utter nc later and although much, much, much better, I still get the occasional stab.

 

Seriously, read my thread. I asked about the haze you feel, the sadness, guilt, and how I allowed this woman to rake my emotions over the coals. I watched for her jalopy wherever I went, and cried repeatedly to my friends. I seriously felt something was wrong with me, like something had snapped on the inside. My uber logical self couldn't understand that these things simply take time.

 

Over the last couple months, I've gotten advice that feel like pieces dropping in to complete a confused puzzle in my brain.

 

I see you feeling the same guilt I felt. Until you come to terms with the fact that relationships are almost never one sided, it will eat you up, and you will not heal up.

 

Point is, I am also at 8 months. It still sucks some days, but I'm focused on different things. Moving, selling my home, dating new people, all the things recommended here by the well intentioned, by sometimes indelicate community.

 

I promise, it does get better.

[EmilyJane]

I recognise the shock of finding yourself in suicide ideation.

 

You are definitely suffering depression I would think. It's often triggered by a major life event.

 

Which you are compounding with alcohol abuse. It's a depressant.

 

No one can get out of those two things on their own in such a way that makes them less vulnerable to further episodes without help.

 

I'm so sorry you are suffering. I could not get out of bed for three weeks following finally leaving mine. The smallest thing can set me back into my whole life is terrible and I can't hang on for things to get better.

 

But you need to break the cycle.

 

Sometimes I think very successful men are the ones least equipped to deal with manipulation and the fall out from break ups. Because you are used to being invulnerable and believe that success at life is a protection. But the resources to cope with such a blow are just not something you've developed yet.

 

This is the time to take time off. Before you really rely on substances to function.

 

 

And I can't help but notice that there isn't much about this woman's compatibility. Just that on a superficial level she fitted with your ideals of what a partner for you would look like in acheivements and physical attributes. I think that means that you are in part suffering because you are in mourning for someone who isn't real and also for how you thought the world worked.

 

 

View this time as a challenge. To grow in emotional depth and resourcefulness.

[kingofpain]

I don't mind being encouraged to try meds. I have counseled friends who are on meds for 20 years. I understand the semi difficult to understand theory behind the difficulty of using the organ in question to imagine it being in a different chemical state, sort of a catch 22. However I have been blessed through life with a really healthy brain chemistry as a natural default state. To put it lightly, I'm a pretty cheerful person when this area of my life is OK. Kids love being around me. I'm extremely patient and kind. But I am open to the idea that grief of this severity can induce some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain. Not to mention all of the alcohol. I think before I try anything like that I will see what ceasing all drinking and resuming physical exercise does for me.

 

It actually hurts to list all of the reasons we are so compatible. The main one being that neither of us ever bored the other. We went out something like four nights a week, but we almost never brought friends, and we certainly never sat there and looked around because we were bored with one another. I could spend the rest my life on a desert island with her and we would never stop yakkin and laughing. We had identical lifestyle habits with regard to food, drink and especially sex, which was unbelievable for both of us. Another time when we broke up, her mom got in trouble with her for sending me screenshots of her saying how badly she missed it. I would be at her work Christmas parties and her especially sassy coworkers would comment on it. Things that I also really like about her is that she never lied, she was extremely good natured and caring and conscientious. She also is in the very top of her field and does quite well. I should confess that I have more of a Bohemian lifestyle than I let on here, and it was a source of frustration for her but nothing that was ever a dealbreaker.

One incompatibility is that I don't like weed. But it really didn't impact things beyond that I actually dislike the smell of the smoke. Another slight incompatibility is that she doesn't have as much energy on her days off as I have, so I did a bit less hiking when I was with her. These are pretty minor incompatibilities and they are the main ones I can think of. In the final year we were together we only had probably three arguments, two of them in the final few weeks. I don't know how common this is but I'm just comparing it to apl the other relationships I've had and all of the many relationships I have observed my many friends to have, and I have no hope of matching this ever again in my life. That's really quite a kicker. But then there's the simple fact that this isn't a pragmatic compulsion; I actually do love and quite care about her as a person.

 

This has shot me in the foot repeatedly over the last eight months. She has reached out and appealed to my sympathies for some circumstance in her life, which actually inspires concern and pity in me, which happens to mimic the kind of weakness women are generally speaking subconsciously hardwired to be turned off by.

 

Yeah. I'm pretty much screwed.

Edited April 4, 2017 by kingofpain

[Bromeo]

Her reaching out is resetting you emotionally. I was there, I know it well. It brings all the emotions to the front every time.

[Pumpingiron34]

Heres some tough love quit bein a wimp. I was with my first gf 5 years got dumped out of the dam blue. She went on to screw my friend screw this one and that one, and hopped right into another relationship. I cant even honestly describe to another human how bad that **** hurt. honestly like my soul was being crucified over and over. Me and her were literally best friends. The betrayal still shakes me but, its been a year now and i feel much much better. She can rot in a hole. Dont get me wrong i miss the living **** out of her but, she does not exsist any more. Its some new personality and we are different. I to prolly thought about killing myself every day for months. I would just lay in bed and play out scenarios over and over but, guess what? im here i made it. My view on suicide changed when i was introduced to the idea that its normal to want to commit suicide in a situation like this. The problem is we mistake this suicidal feeling for our physical being but, really its our emotional being that wants to commit suicide. The weaker version of your self wants to die to come back stronger to situations like this. Like a computer malfunctioning and shutting down. It has two options stay shut down or reboot and configure away around this break in the system. block her every where and dammit fight every single day to better your own life. Let life do its worst and you do your worst right back. also, yea i take 20 mg of lexapro a day. Try it, idk what every ones anti anti depressant use comes from. THEY HELP! TREMENDOUSLY.

[EmilyJane]

I don't mind being encouraged to try meds. I have counseled friends who are on meds for 20 years. I understand the semi difficult to understand theory behind the difficulty of using the organ in question to imagine it being in a different chemical state, sort of a catch 22. However I have been blessed through life with a really healthy brain chemistry as a natural default state. To put it lightly, I'm a pretty cheerful person when this area of my life is OK. Kids love being around me. I'm extremely patient and kind. But I am open to the idea that grief of this severity can induce some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain. Not to mention all of the alcohol. I think before I try anything like that I will see what ceasing all drinking and resuming physical exercise does for me.

 

It actually hurts to list all of the reasons we are so compatible. The main one being that neither of us ever bored the other. We went out something like four nights a week, but we almost never brought friends, and we certainly never sat there and looked around because we were bored with one another. I could spend the rest my life on a desert island with her and we would never stop yakkin and laughing. We had identical lifestyle habits with regard to food, drink and especially sex, which was unbelievable for both of us. Another time when we broke up, her mom got in trouble with her for sending me screenshots of her saying how badly she missed it. I would be at her work Christmas parties and her especially sassy coworkers would comment on it. Things that I also really like about her is that she never lied, she was extremely good natured and caring and conscientious. She also is in the very top of her field and does quite well. I should confess that I have more of a Bohemian lifestyle than I let on here, and it was a source of frustration for her but nothing that was ever a dealbreaker.

One incompatibility is that I don't like weed. But it really didn't impact things beyond that I actually dislike the smell of the smoke. Another slight incompatibility is that she doesn't have as much energy on her days off as I have, so I did a bit less hiking when I was with her. These are pretty minor incompatibilities and they are the main ones I can think of. In the final year we were together we only had probably three arguments, two of them in the final few weeks. I don't know how common this is but I'm just comparing it to apl the other relationships I've had and all of the many relationships I have observed my many friends to have, and I have no hope of matching this ever again in my life. That's really quite a kicker. But then there's the simple fact that this isn't a pragmatic compulsion; I actually do love and quite care about her as a person.

 

This has shot me in the foot repeatedly over the last eight months. She has reached out and appealed to my sympathies for some circumstance in her life, which actually inspires concern and pity in me, which happens to mimic the kind of weakness women are generally speaking subconsciously hardwired to be turned off by.

 

Yeah. I'm pretty much screwed.

 

 

 

I think that cutting alcohol completely is a really good step .

 

I get the sense that you think because you have all these things you are proud of yourself for that you shouldn't be "one of those people" who have trouble healing after a relationship or who get depressive symptoms. Thinking like this will keep you stuck. Everyone from any economic background or... I'm thinking thst you think of people in terms of social success so - "popularity" is vulnerable to the pain of a break up.

 

I think the reason you are stuck is because you are repressing the pain. You are not processing the emotions but pushing them away and distracting yourself.

 

The absolute only way to grieve and heal from a loss is to actually let yourself feel it. The only way through it is through it.

 

This woman is manipulating you. She's found an attractive young dumb and full of *** guy to fill her need for social validation and attention. Because she is extremely shallow and likely unable to be happy alone.

 

My guess is she rings you up when she has a drama to get reassurance and comfort and also to keep you invested so she gets the ego boost of knowing you are there as back up.

 

Not liking her pot useage is not a minor incompatibility. I suspect you have let her have more power than she deserves and put her on a pedestal. You are idealising her and this is the second way you are staying stuck.

 

You've also hinted at the fact that you have "counselled" friends. I assume this is not your profession and what you've actually done is created inequality within your social circle. You are the wise one others seek help from and this makes you feel special and needed. But I suspect it also means you are having trouble because you don't know how to seek help and support from them. I think this habit of being the strong wise helper persona is one of the ways she is manipulating you.

 

So that is the third way you are staying stuck. Seeking counselling about the pattern of care taking others as well as the repression of emotion, poor ability to set and maintain appropriate boundaries, and the self identified extreme co dependency issues, would be a huge step in your mental wellbeing.

 

The fourth way is you are letting this shallow manipulative ex partner still have contact with you. She does not want you back. You did not give her the validation she wanted and she's found a replacement.

 

I think you should read the no contact guide.

 

And then you should make a mental list about all the negative traits of this woman and what you did not like about the relationship or how she has behaved post break up.

 

There are clearly lots of people trying to help you here but your posts are full of irrelevant detail and extremely difficult to answer. Communication is about assisting others in understanding you. You are intelligent you say, so try to drill down into the thoughts you really want others perspective on. We don't need the excessive descriptions of who you are or she is superficially. We need how you feel, what you are worried about, what you are troubled by.

 

You can sort this mess out but you are going to have to employ your ability to apply emotional intelligence and ability to learn new coping techniques and admit vulnerability and humility. Everyone has a break up at one stage or another that causes such tremendous pain and turmoil that it exceeds the previously learned coping skills. This just happens to be yours.

 

If you are smart strong and humble enough to seek all the support you can muster this will be ok. You will be ok.

Edited April 4, 2017 by EmilyJane

[codest]

I think that cutting alcohol completely is a really good step .

 

I get the sense that you think because you have all these things you are proud of yourself for that you shouldn't be "one of those people" who have trouble healing after a relationship or who get depressive symptoms. Thinking like this will keep you stuck. Everyone from any economic background or... I'm thinking thst you think of people in terms of social success so - "popularity" is vulnerable to the pain of a break up.

 

I think the reason you are stuck is because you are repressing the pain. You are not processing the emotions but pushing them away and distracting yourself.

 

The absolute only way to grieve and heal from a loss is to actually let yourself feel it. The only way through it is through it.

 

This woman is manipulating you. She's found an attractive young dumb and full of *** guy to fill her need for social validation and attention. Because she is extremely shallow and likely unable to be happy alone.

 

My guess is she rings you up when she has a drama to get reassurance and comfort and also to keep you invested so she gets the ego boost of knowing you are there as back up.

 

Not liking her pot useage is not a minor incompatibility. I suspect you have let her have more power than she deserves and put her on a pedestal. You are idealising her and this is the second way you are staying stuck.

 

You've also hinted at the fact that you have "counselled" friends. I assume this is not your profession and what you've actually done is created inequality within your social circle. You are the wise one others seek help from and this makes you feel special and needed. But I suspect it also means you are having trouble because you don't know how to seek help and support from them. I think this habit of being the strong wise helper persona is one of the ways she is manipulating you.

 

So that is the third way you are staying stuck. Seeking counselling about the pattern of care taking others as well as the repression of emotion, poor ability to set and maintain appropriate boundaries, and the self identified extreme co dependency issues, would be a huge step in your mental wellbeing.

 

The fourth way is you are letting this shallow manipulative ex partner still have contact with you. She does not want you back. You did not give her the validation she wanted and she's found a replacement.

 

I think you should read the no contact guide.

 

And then you should make a mental list about all the negative traits of this woman and what you did not like about the relationship or how she has behaved post break up.

 

There are clearly lots of people trying to help you here but your posts are full of irrelevant detail and extremely difficult to answer. Communication is about assisting others in understanding you. You are intelligent you say, so try to drill down into the thoughts you really want others perspective on. We don't need the excessive descriptions of who you are or she is superficially. We need how you feel, what you are worried about, what you are troubled by.

 

You can sort this mess out but you are going to have to employ your ability to apply emotional intelligence and ability to learn new coping techniques and admit vulnerability and humility. Everyone has a break up at one stage or another that causes such tremendous pain and turmoil that it exceeds the previously learned coping skills. This just happens to be yours.

 

If you are smart strong and humble enough to seek all the support you can muster this will be ok. You will be ok.

 

An unbelievably insightful post, thank you!

[Darien 76]

Hi King,

 

I too have cried in my car following a bad breakup. What you're feeling is normal. It's going to take time and baby steps for you to get past this and to a place where you start to feel a little better day by day. It's even harder as she is with someone new and enjoying life while you are alone and hurting. So many of us have been there and we know how you feel. I'm not sure I agree with maintaining a friendship with her so soon after your breakup. I agree with the other poster who said it resets the pain.

 

What do you like to do for fun? Try watching some movies for distraction. You can still have a full happy life while you're single. And when you're ready and feeling up for dating you'll turn back to it. Right now, don't even think about that. Just try to think about what you can do to help yourself get to a place of feeling better. It takes time and there's no magic bullet unfortunately.

 

Chin up my friend because you're going to be ok. Keep posting.

[Maldives]

I'm so incredibly depressed that my waking existence is the hell on earth, and I feel trapped in an existence I have no interest in continuing my obligation to my daughter and by consideration of the pain I would put my mother and other love ones though if I were to end my life. I would never do it. But I think about it all day everyday.

 

I'm 40 years old. I'm pretty eccentric & charismatic in a way that has made me pretty popular throughout my life, especially with women. I have lived as a 'serial monogamist' since I was 16. I have sort of a leadership position in a pretty large community of friends. I have counseled many friends of both sexes and a great range of ages through breakups. I am extremely familiar with the phenomenon by which dumpee perception of a split is distorted by the human tendency to see things out of reach with rose colored lenses, and to discount the value of things that are firmly in one's clutches. I have observed this tendency in myself through many breakups. I have repeatedly been dumped by women who decided that taking me back a third time after I failed to propose marriage on some vacation or another would be just setting themselves up for more pain.

 

To be honest, all but one of my relationships were relationships in which I developed a great care for my partners, but nevertheless felt trapped and like there was someone out there I would have zero doubts about committing to 100%. I have never had the heart, strength or maturity to dump anyone. Any memory of the sight of the crying pain inspires a guilty self-hatred in me that is almost crippling. I am told that I am the ultimate codependent. A vast network of friends relies on me to do everything from swapping out their transmissions to re-writing their master's theses. My life astonishes countless people. I really love helping others. The women in my life have grown frustrated with this.

 

The circumstances in which I met my ex, the intensity of the connection we shared and the seemingly impossible tastes, habits, interests, we had in common combined with our sexual chemistry to convince us both -as virtual atheists- that divine intervention was involved. My ex is only 28yo. We look like we're about the same age. She's been around. She was a celebrity in her teens, with the social/humor aptitude of a late night talk show host the beauty of a movie star from a different era. To me she's the most beautiful woman in the entire world. I am not seeing her nor our relationship through rose-colored glasses; I would have readily said the same things about her at my most complacent, when I most took her for granted. We were together almost six years. We broke up twice before, both times after returning from the tropics on trips in which she expected to be proposed to. During our splits, she would date men I would assess to be men I could never compete with. It would amaze me that she could even find such seemingly perfect men. They would look like Viking movie stars but with refined, obscure tastes and brainpower to boot. And then she would dump them and come back to me.

 

The exes I am friends with after reconnecting following years and years apart have told me that I am an extremely difficult person to break an addiction to, but that they remain convinced that I would never be willing to commit to anybody, including my latest ex (not true). They say that women simply get to a point at which their rational minds do not allow them to set themselves up for further disappointment. I came across a screenshot on my phone yesterday in which my ex had said to a mutual friend "fool me once, fool me twice..."

 

My mother said to me that I would have proposed to her if I really wanted to be with her. To have seen me grieve as I have for the past eight months has changed her mind. I wouldn't expect anybody to understand or to believe me, but there was never a moment at which I did not want to spend the rest of my life with this woman since the day I met her. My post is already unbearably verbose, so I won't venture into explaining the bizarre sequence of absurd coincidences and freak circumstances that always led to me screwing up the proposals, failing to buy a ring in time, etc. I only want to do this once in my life, and I wanted it to be perfect.

 

It would be impossible to exaggerate how much I have learned about relationship skills since this past breakup last summer. I have been heralded as a truly outside-the-box, pioneering, independent thinker in pretty complex fields. But this field has humbled me. No other topic has ever seen me so powerfully influenced by the thinking of another person. I consider the relationship guru I found on youtube to be a virtual saint. To think back only two years ago, to see screenshots of messages I sent her before I started to learn the proper way to see all of this, it's an utterly surreal sensation. My thinking has been so radically transformed that it's bizarre to behold, in front of my own eyes, proof positive that I ever thought so differently, let alone only two years ago.

 

Women are drawn to confidence, and I naturally have quite a bit of it. But fear of losing them during breakups has seen me do things I shutter to recall. Accepting being friend-zoned, chasing, reaching out on flimsy pretexts, even showing up at her work, etc. This was the easy part to learn. Figuring this stuff out quickly won her back in the summer of 2015. For the following nine months, we had the best time of our entire relationship. Then two things happened that set me on a course for the position I'm in now. I became completely absorbed in a legal case in which my tireless, exhausting, pro-bono efforts were critical to the spectacular triumph of a best friend's high-stakes divorce case in which he easily could have ended up not only watching his wonderful children raised around meth addicts, he could've ended up in prison at the hands of an insanely evil woman. The other thing that happened was that I was given a reckless prescription for benzodiazepines as a jet lag sleep-aid by an extremely irresponsible doctor overseas, only to simply absentmindedly quit taking them when I returned to the US despite that I had hundreds of these things left. I had no idea that this could have literally killed me. I thought nothing of these pills. They seemed so innocuous, they just helped me sleep. I spent months suffering from unbelievable withdrawal symptoms that baffled my doctors. I was ultimately called up by a neurologist at 10PM on a Friday night and asked if I had taken any benzodiazepines while I was abroad. They had to put me on a different type of benzodiazepine that I would be weaned off of, and during this time I became an emotional zombie with no libido to speak of. This combined with my complete absorption in my friend's legal case to have me treat my girlfriend with extreme neglect and indifference. Worst of all, when she would sit me down to explain how her needs were not being met, the stress of everything I had going on combined with alcohol to have me pulling the most juvenile, idiotic manipulation tactic of saying "fine, let's just break up." This was a completely insincere bluff. She didn't realize that.

 

Last July after a few weeks of detectable irritability, we had a silly, rare argument and I broke up with her. It was clear she had expected us to break up. I didn't change my tune or beg or plead or cry or anything like that. I was sure that by walking away with self-assuredness she would be chasing me shortly. I was right. But in my abject stupidity, I wasn't happy to merely get her back, I wanted her to beg. The reason is that I wanted SLACK. I wanted us to be back together in a way in which she was super relieved and grateful to have me back in order to buy me some time to get a bunch of loose ends taken care of without her getting on my case about finally moving into the house she had just bought.

 

The gods were sick of my BS, and had other plans. Out of nowhere, she met this 24yo kid. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the photos of her romantic sailboat trip with him that following weekend on Instagram. Within two weeks, he was living in her house, she have added him to her car insurance policy, and she was dressing him to look like me. I will concede that he's pretty damn handsome, but judging from his social media, there's really no mistaking his status as a vacuous dolt. I don't expect many people to understand. It was like she was off her rocker. This is the sort of thing her colleagues have done, with her and the rest of them rolling their eyes and speculating on the absurdity of the rebound psychology inherent in it. I couldn't believe she wasn't embarrassed to be broadcasting it all on social media. I know she was embarrassed to return from our trip without a ring yet again, so I know it was important to her to show her thousands of friends and colleagues that she's doing fine, but I just couldn't believe it that she couldn't herself see how she looked doing all kinds of extremely uncharacteristic things. When we were together and in love, she never wanted anyone else around. In only week two of their whirlwind romance, she was posting embarrassing facebook messages soliciting strangers to accompany her and her new boyfriend on their trips. That probably doesn't sound extreme to anyone reading this, -as if anybody would make it this far into this ridiculous claptrap-, but to know her is to know that it was really, really weird. And it continued.

 

After about a month I received a surprising text from her late at night requesting a "rescue ride." This is a woman who uses Uber to return guest's jackets they've left behind at her cocktail parties. I didn't the text until the next morning. About a month later, I stopped reading her texts. She freaked out. She called me up, hysterical, telling me how miserable she was. She didn't mention the breakup. We also argued over some jointly owned property. It was odd how she kept wanting to lock me down to some arrangement whereby I'd be around a lot working on the house and her cars. What would her new boyfriend think of that? In the middle of November, she texted me ancient photos of us together. She called me up and spent 40 minutes crying while I drunkenly refuted many of her perceptions of why everything fell apart. I called her out on a couple of aspects about her new relationship, and this was a mistake, but she made it clear I was right. I feel that at this point I could've gotten everything back together if I had play my cards right, but I was bitter and I wanted to be some aloof jerk. We didn't speak for the next month, when she took off on Christmas day with the kid to Australia for a month, completely replicating our exact, unbelievably awesome vacation of one year earlier. She had bought all of the tickets when she was only with him for a couple of weeks. That is unmistakable, reckless rebound behavior. I believe I made another blunder when I emailed her just as she was taking off on her trip to profess my love for her. She responded saying she missed me and thought about me often and that we would talk "soon."

 

In late January, a month later, she emailed me frivolous pics of some critter in Australia. I responded telling her I would be back in her town in a couple weeks from the trip I was on, that we should meet up. She ignored my email. Ten days later she sent another email explaining some problem she was having at work and asking for advice. I actually missed that message in my junk folder. A month later (late February), she told our only mutual friend that she was suffering from depression. This is not a gal either of us speaks to very often. Then she emailed me again about some other frivolous trivia. I responded very briefly and politely saying it was neat. Then she asked me how my holidays had been, whether I was in Europe or the states, how I was doing, etc. I responded the next day informing her that I had just landed in her town, asking when she could sneak away, telling her that I want to see her while I was still in town over the next couple weeks. She ignored that message. A couple of days later, her mother texted me some frivolous thing, using a lot of affectionate emojis and so on. This was significant to me because in past years her (very fun) bigmouthed mother had been forbidden from contacting me during breakups. The next day, about a month ago, I stupidly got wasted and reached back out to her telling her that I had never seen that email about her work troubles. When she responded, I was even more wasted and I stupidly lashed out saying that she only reaches out to me to grease the wheels of my repayment of my debt from our property settlement. She responded saying that wasn't true. A week later she asked me how long I would be in town, how I'm doing, how some of the events I was in town for had gone, etc. I answered her and told her to keep in touch. She told me that she misses me and that she hopes we can be friends someday.

 

I immediately told her that this was not a matter of time but rather a matter of self-respect, that I could never be that way with her, and that I hope she understands my request that she not contact me unless she would like to see me. She read the text immediately and never responded. A week later, almost 2 weeks ago, she texted me that some client I had asked to be put in touch with was there with her. I thanked her & wished her a happy upcoming birthday. I did not greet her on her actual birthday and have not heard from her since.

 

I have never looked at any of her social media since the pictures I saw of her with that guy in August. My mother and my stepmother like looking at her FB and then blabbing it to me without regard for how upset it might make me. Yesterday my mother looked at her Facebook and saw the photos she posted of herself with him on her birthday last week. My mother has never really liked her, partly because she remains undyingly loyal to the girlfriend I had before her. But my mother never got to know her at all. Anyway, she says that it's obvious to her that my ex not in love with the new guy. A possibly telling sign is that she refers to him as her "travel buddy." But at the same time it was sort of a milestone yesterday when my mother had to scream it into me that it is time for me to accept that this is how it is, that my ex is nevertheless satisfied with the kid and that it is time for me to move on.

 

I'm so distraught that I experience virtually incessant suicidal ideation. I break down in tears and sob into my pillow or the steering wheel of my parked car several times a day. I have heavily used alcohol as a coping mechanism for the past eight months. I quit for three weeks once in January and I hope to get through today without drinking again. I have attempted to date other women but this is a matter of cynicism and hopelessness for me because I honestly believe it is impossible that I could ever meet somebody that would push my buttons the way she did let alone fall so head over heels in love with me simultaneously. I don't believe lightning strikes twice and I have absolutely zero hope of ever being happy again. I travel a lot. I'm all over the place all the time. As difficult as it is to believe, I don't even *see* women who push my buttons like she could. In the extremely unlikely chance that I might spot a woman I believe rivals her unbelievable beauty, the likelihood of her having comparable taste and personality is simply zilch. I spend my days neglecting extremely serious work and obsessing over this topic. I spend this time lamenting that I am anchored to an existence I am no longer interested in being a part of by my obligation to my teenage daughter and byy the simple fact that it would kill my mother and other loved ones for me to hurl myself off a bridge or something.

 

I have never suffered from clinical depression. Any of my zillion friends would tell you that until last summer I was basically the happiest guy one could ever meet.

 

 

No matter how bad it is now it'll pass it always does. I went thru wat ur going thru recently it's been 7 mths it's getting easier now . Reading ur post is it possible uve only started grieving about the loss now? So the 8 mths or so it sounds like u always thought u would get bac together but ur mothers words about the reality of it really being over has caused the grieving. The alcohol would hav masked ur pain too. To me uve just started the grieving process. Definatly cut the alcohol out and feel the feelings now and the pain. Don't run away anymore from the pain and sit wth it till the feelings start to fade. I did wat u did wen my ex wife left me i never processed the loss and tried to run away from the pain. All it did was prolonged the pain. I remember yrs later seeing a photo of her having her 1st child that was the reason for the relationship breakdown I wss never ready to hav a kid. I was pretty cut sewing that. Cut the alcohol face the loss feel it cry and cry and it will get easier and easier as the days pass. It always takes me a good 2 to 3 yrs to get over serious relationships. And ye don't be too hard on ureself about the marriage and putting a ring on it lol I know lots of couples that were together for decades before they even got engaged. I will admit it's definatly more a female thing around security and love. I have a freine they have been together almost 30 yrs and I wss surprised wen I saw them recently wen they corrected me and told me they weren't married. One thing that helps me process the pain is exercise try exercising it oxygenates the brain and released all those happy chemicals. So now grieve cry then get out have a jog or go to the gym cry at the gym if u hav to rinsert repeat. I always feel better after I cry it will get easier it will it'll fade definatly no alcohol stay away from that all that does is numb the reality go thru it now and start healing and no contact.

[Maldives]

Listen, I don't know how long you spent with those psychologists, but can't possibly have been as long or longer than the 8 months that have passed since your break up. My point is it's taken a lot longer for all this to develop than the effort you've put into addressing your "issues".

 

What you are doing now ISN'T WORKING. So, frankly, you have nothing to lose by putting more effort into talking with a psychologist. You do not have to go on antidepressants if you are so opposed to them. But talking is the best thing you can do for yourself. It takes quite awhile to start experiencing the benefits of visiting a psychologist. That does not happen overnight or in a few sessions. If you dedicate some of the time and emotion you are expending to something that is more positive, you'll be better off. You probably would benefit from CBT therapy. That will give you some coping skills that are healthy.

 

He's pointed out that didn't work. I think u need to feel this pain and loss and grieve it but punctuate it wth some relief as in go spend time wth friends. If u need to feel there's still som hope of her coming back that's ok if it helps there's nothing wrong wth hope I say that because I know wat it's like to accept the reality wen were not ready to accept it so go at ur own pace if u need to feel som hope feel it. Who knows maybe she will com bac but by then like my ex's it's usually too late as uve let go go and moved on. Go at ur own speed accept wats palpable only so u can cope the truth is nobody knows the future nobody not even ur mum who knows wat she'll decide in the meantime at least NC as a start that'll at least let her feel the loss for real and let her process how she feels. Definatley no contact no alcohol

[Satu]

snip

I have never suffered from clinical depression. Any of my zillion friends would tell you that until last summer I was basically the happiest guy one could ever meet.

 

R.D. Laing on

 

 

Take care.

[Maldives]

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I can understand it. I guess you must be feeling that somehow you brought this upon yourself too, as you make clear that you have resolutely avoided a marriage commitment over the years. There is no reason that I can see why everyone should have the instinct to propose and marry someone. It's partly a cultural idea, but I guess the commitment to a single person can take many forms. It sounds like it was there for you but you were not demonstrating it in a way that your ex understood.

 

One thing that seemed to be a theme was that you keep women dangling at arms length. If they try to get too close, want too much, you push them away. In the past, they have come back to you a few times, but then you push them away. The ways in which you push them away seem to vary from lack of overt commitment to ending up in arguments with them. The end result is the same - push until they finally give up. This can't be good for you or them and it might really help you to talk this through with a competent therapist who can get to the bottom of why this happens.

 

I have some recent experience of a push/pull relationship. You are encouraged, praised, cared for and then kicked back. A person can only cope with that a few times before they detect a pattern and have to decide whether to risk that situation again. Unless you can change the outcome, with some kind of clear commitment and devotion (if not marriage), then you will just have the same pattern.

 

Push/pull relationships can be exciting. There is an element of 'we have overcome this displacement to our relationship and we are good now, we are obviously meant to be' But then the push tips both into an unstable state again. Is it exciting to you? It can be to a partner but most people will eventually decide the ride is too rough and will opt out. As far as I can see, unless you can look into why your relationships are like this, you are not going to find a solution that you can offer your ex or any future partner. It seems to me that there is a lot of scope for good relationships in the future if you can tackle these issues.

 

 

Wow thanks for this i must say I kinda recognised myself in this i do this push pull thing wen my needs aren't being met I donno about king of pain but that's where mI need comes from. It's like if I don't feel valued or appreciated I'll do this to get my needs met and yes it doesn't work thanks for the post gave me an epiphamy about myself

[Maldives]

This might give u some perspective I have to work wth my ex as in a few mtres away my team has to sit next to hers and I can't do anything about accept ignore her plus a few weeks back she started seeing a work colleague the only consolation for me is he's butt ugly still it hurts wen I see them. Try that on for size plus I can't just quit it's a big company and I live in a regional tourist part of the country so not so easy having said that it is getting easier as i try n ignore her. Anyway I though that might make u feel better haha lol

[Marc878]

Cut out the breadcrumbs. Block her.

 

You are old enough to know how this works.

[AT15]

You're hurting so much because it has ended but not really ended. She turned the tables on you. Unexpectedly. Now, SHE is the one stringing you along. You see how much it hurts? It's very painful.

 

So, here you are in pain. You have to move on now. It's not a choice it's a self preservation need. Because if you choose to hang on for dear life, you are giving her new relationship the power to succeed.

 

I did the same. I had a boyfriend and stayed in contact with an ex the entire 8 years I was dating and LIVING with my boyfriend. When I finally married my boyfriend my ex went ghost. And I stayed in my marriage for 3 years. It took me 8 months into the marriage to see I wasn't with the right man. I realized that I was using the attention and connection from my ex to supplement what was missing in my actual relationship. My ex ended up cutting me off and marrying and having kids with someone else. I tried getting back in contact with him, but he rebuffed the intention. We were totally done.

 

My point is if he had stopped communication with me prior to that, my relationship would have never made it to 3 years. But, mybex was my crutch through it all. He didn't know it, but he made the relationship last until marriage. Once he cut me off, the marriage fell apart. Weird right?

 

Anyhow, your only hope in getting her back is going ghost and moving on. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[Maldives]

You're hurting so much because it has ended but not really ended. She turned the tables on you. Unexpectedly. Now, SHE is the one stringing you along. You see how much it hurts? It's very painful.

 

So, here you are in pain. You have to move on now. It's not a choice it's a self preservation need. Because if you choose to hang on for dear life, you are giving her new relationship the power to succeed.

 

I did the same. I had a boyfriend and stayed in contact with an ex the entire 8 years I was dating and LIVING with my boyfriend. When I finally married my boyfriend my ex went ghost. And I stayed in my marriage for 3 years. It took me 8 months into the marriage to see I wasn't with the right man. I realized that I was using the attention and connection from my ex to supplement what was missing in my actual relationship. My ex ended up cutting me off and marrying and having kids with someone else. I tried getting back in contact with him, but he rebuffed the intention. We were totally done.

 

My point is if he had stopped communication with me prior to that, my relationship would have never made it to 3 years. But, mybex was my crutch through it all. He didn't know it, but he made the relationship last until marriage. Once he cut me off, the marriage fell apart. Weird right?

 

Anyhow, your only hope in getting her back is going ghost and moving on. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Great insight

[ImComplicated]

You're hurting so much because it has ended but not really ended. She turned the tables on you. Unexpectedly. Now, SHE is the one stringing you along. You see how much it hurts? It's very painful.

 

So, here you are in pain. You have to move on now. It's not a choice it's a self preservation need. Because if you choose to hang on for dear life, you are giving her new relationship the power to succeed.

 

I did the same. I had a boyfriend and stayed in contact with an ex the entire 8 years I was dating and LIVING with my boyfriend. When I finally married my boyfriend my ex went ghost. And I stayed in my marriage for 3 years. It took me 8 months into the marriage to see I wasn't with the right man. I realized that I was using the attention and connection from my ex to supplement what was missing in my actual relationship. My ex ended up cutting me off and marrying and having kids with someone else. I tried getting back in contact with him, but he rebuffed the intention. We were totally done.

 

My point is if he had stopped communication with me prior to that, my relationship would have never made it to 3 years. But, mybex was my crutch through it all. He didn't know it, but he made the relationship last until marriage. Once he cut me off, the marriage fell apart. Weird right?

 

Anyhow, your only hope in getting her back is going ghost and moving on. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Best advice so far in this thread, IMO

[jamili]

You're hurting so much because it has ended but not really ended. She turned the tables on you. Unexpectedly. Now, SHE is the one stringing you along. You see how much it hurts? It's very painful.

 

So, here you are in pain. You have to move on now. It's not a choice it's a self preservation need. Because if you choose to hang on for dear life, you are giving her new relationship the power to succeed.

 

I did the same. I had a boyfriend and stayed in contact with an ex the entire 8 years I was dating and LIVING with my boyfriend. When I finally married my boyfriend my ex went ghost. And I stayed in my marriage for 3 years. It took me 8 months into the marriage to see I wasn't with the right man. I realized that I was using the attention and connection from my ex to supplement what was missing in my actual relationship. My ex ended up cutting me off and marrying and having kids with someone else. I tried getting back in contact with him, but he rebuffed the intention. We were totally done.

 

My point is if he had stopped communication with me prior to that, my relationship would have never made it to 3 years. But, mybex was my crutch through it all. He didn't know it, but he made the relationship last until marriage. Once he cut me off, the marriage fell apart. Weird right?

 

Anyhow, your only hope in getting her back is going ghost and moving on. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Wow, amazing to see this from another perspective. Thanks for sharing this story. Curious... when you tried to get back into contact, did you send breadcrumbs? What did he do?