dat001ta Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 My boyfriend and I recently had a very civil and amicable breakup. We still care for each other and love each other. He even slept over (nothing sexual) after the breakup so we could have comfort in each other for one more night. Basically, this is a timing issue. We are working at a college so our time here is limited. Our homes are not far from each other outside of this place and I have always been willing to relocate in our conversations about the future since his career goals are very location specific. He wants to be a firefighter. This means that he just waits to hear from departments that have him on a list and when they call he is able to go through their academy. If he passes, he gets hired. He is very nervous about this process because he feels like if this doesn't work out (i.e. he didn't pass the academy for some reason) then he won't have anything to fall back on and would have to live with his parents and figure out the next step. He has expressed his concern about bringing me on this journey with him. He used an analogy that basically just said he wants to go first and make sure it'll be okay before allowing someone else to join him. He struggles with the unknown and can have the tendency to shut down when he is stressed/worried/angry, but he has let me in more than anyone else. During the breakup conversation we talked about the future. He said he would never ask me to wait for him, but that hopefully we could stay close and once this career goal is settled and he has a job and a place to live that we could reconnect and go from there. We work together so when we see each other it honestly just seems like normal since our feelings for each other haven't changed. We aren't doing true No Contact because we see each other at work, but we haven't been reaching out - just catching up when we are together. I guess I'm just confused because I don't know if I should fight for our relationship or let a close friendship attempt to happen. I also don't know how to balance the hope that I have for the future with actually getting over the relationship. We are each other's best friends and both cried and were sad about ending things.
Author dat001ta Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 I should also add that I am in school here and am unsure of what I want to do after graduation next May so I am geographically stuck in this spot until graduation. It is possible that him passing his academy will line up with my graduation or be close to it.
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 His reason for the breakup sounds more like an excuse. I don't understand why uncertainty over the future is a reason to break up with someone. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He even told you not to wait for him. If a guy is willing to lose you, that pretty much says it all. People will come up with all kinds of BS reasons to break up with you because they want to soften the blow, but it really boils down to the same thing. They don't want to be in a relationship with you because they don't feel strongly enough. 1
preraph Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 College is a time when I will venture to say that most young men want to be single and dating around. It's also a time when those in a previous relationship in high school are maturing and growing and changing and usually grow apart. I truly urge you, instead of waiting and hoping, to just embrace your freedom and meet as many people as possible. it would be a true shame to spend these very important opportunity-filled years waiting. Don't do it. I guarantee you HE is not going to do it. He will be dating around and soon.
Author dat001ta Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 College is a time when I will venture to say that most young men want to be single and dating around. It's also a time when those in a previous relationship in high school are maturing and growing and changing and usually grow apart. I truly urge you, instead of waiting and hoping, to just embrace your freedom and meet as many people as possible. it would be a true shame to spend these very important opportunity-filled years waiting. Don't do it. I guarantee you HE is not going to do it. He will be dating around and soon. We are both graduated and working for the school. I'm in grad school but we are both past the "college" phase of needing freedom. I do agree that I should just move on but it's weird to explain but we both agreed that we have a special connection and I definitely believe him and I don't feel like I was lied to or manipulated. Just makes it hard /:
Author dat001ta Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 His reason for the breakup sounds more like an excuse. I don't understand why uncertainty over the future is a reason to break up with someone. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He even told you not to wait for him. If a guy is willing to lose you, that pretty much says it all. People will come up with all kinds of BS reasons to break up with you because they want to soften the blow, but it really boils down to the same thing. They don't want to be in a relationship with you because they don't feel strongly enough. My problem is that I truly do believe what he tells me... I have no reason not to. And he isn't the type of person to say these things if it wasn't a genuine thought
preraph Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Then why don't you believe him when he says he wants to move forward without you? There is no need to break up with someone because you are waiting to be accepted to an academy.
Author dat001ta Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Then why don't you believe him when he says he wants to move forward without you? There is no need to break up with someone because you are waiting to be accepted to an academy. That is a valid point... it's more that he told me he didn't want to break up but felt like there wasn't another option. I'm just wondering more if it would be okay to stay in close contact with him. When we saw each other in person for the first time after the break up we immediately just started talking like no one else was there so I don't want to lose him as my best friend but I don't want to make it harder for me to move on.
preraph Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I think you should be asking him why he feels waiting for acceptance into the academy is a reason to break up or if he just feels it's time for a change and he just wants to break up with you. Make him be honest.
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 My problem is that I truly do believe what he tells me... I have no reason not to. And he isn't the type of person to say these things if it wasn't a genuine thought I don't think he's maliciously lying to you for the sake of dishonesty. I'm sure he's a nice guy. But people still fudge and don't tell the whole truth in these situations. They feel bad enough breaking up with you as it is. In the end, the reason doesn't matter. What matters is that he wants to end it and no longer wants you in his life as a girlfriend. His reason sounds like pure BS to me.
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I think you should be asking him why he feels waiting for acceptance into the academy is a reason to break up or if he just feels it's time for a change and he just wants to break up with you. Make him be honest. You can't make someone be honest though. She's going to embarrass herself by trying to force some admission from him. She'll also probably make him resist more.
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