DaliPose Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I've been with my partner for just under 2 years and we live together. For a while now I have been feeling very doubtful of our relationship. We're both very young, in our early 20's so that might contribute to my issues with him. I often find him childish, uneducated and unreasonable. He also isn't good with money which has caused us some trouble in the past. He has no friends, hobbies or aspirations. I sometimes find him too climgy and like I need to mother him. He apologies to me for things very often yet doesn't seem to be improving. There is also no passion in our relationship mostly on my part. We don't have sex anymore, but he says he can give up sex if it means having me. I feel like there is no actual romantic love in it anymore. On the other hand tho he is the sweetest person I know. He's kind and does a lot for me emotionally. He cares about me and we get along very well and have simillar ideas about life. I feel very comfortable around him and he accepts me with all my flaws. I'm terrified of leaving him but at the same time I have a feeling I'll be unhappy in the future if I stay with him. I feel like I am making a mistake staying in a relationship with someone like that even tho he gives me comfort. I'm really stuck here and don't know what I should do. Am I taking him for granted? Will i regret this? Are my doubts real?
preraph Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Find a real man and anything he's good for, so is a close girlfriend. You're settling for not very much. 1
avvril3000 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I've been with my partner for just under 2 years and we live together. For a while now I have been feeling very doubtful of our relationship. We're both very young, in our early 20's so that might contribute to my issues with him. I often find him childish, uneducated and unreasonable. He also isn't good with money which has caused us some trouble in the past. He has no friends, hobbies or aspirations. I sometimes find him too climgy and like I need to mother him. He apologies to me for things very often yet doesn't seem to be improving. There is also no passion in our relationship mostly on my part. We don't have sex anymore, but he says he can give up sex if it means having me. I feel like there is no actual romantic love in it anymore. On the other hand tho he is the sweetest person I know. He's kind and does a lot for me emotionally. He cares about me and we get along very well and have simillar ideas about life. I feel very comfortable around him and he accepts me with all my flaws. I'm terrified of leaving him but at the same time I have a feeling I'll be unhappy in the future if I stay with him. I feel like I am making a mistake staying in a relationship with someone like that even tho he gives me comfort. I'm really stuck here and don't know what I should do. Am I taking him for granted? Will i regret this? Are my doubts real? Its scary to leave someone who is comfortable but you know in yourself that you wont be happy long term with him. Unless he changes. But you cant ever expect your partner to change for you, he has to do it for and from himself and from experience, that rarely actually happens until he, himself, sees the problem that he is contributing to the relationship and situation you guys are in. You are are so young. This IS the time, to explore, to take risks, and see what else is out there for you. i made the mistake of staying with the wrong guy for almost a decade in my youth because i didnt wanna hurt him. But he wasnt someone i wanted for a long time partner in life. Be careful not to waste your youth with the wrong person. Good luck! 2
fromheart Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 If a woman described me as childish, uneducated and unreasonable I'd end it as soon as she finished the word childish. But I'm no nice guy, which this poor man obviously is. And he'll always get disrespected for it, as you are disrespecting him for it now. I hope he comes on this forum so we can man him up a bit. You have absolutely no respect of attraction for him, it is far better that you get out of the comfort zone and leave him. More growth opportunities for both of you that way.
Redhead14 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I've been with my partner for just under 2 years and we live together. For a while now I have been feeling very doubtful of our relationship. We're both very young, in our early 20's so that might contribute to my issues with him. I often find him childish, uneducated and unreasonable. He also isn't good with money which has caused us some trouble in the past. He has no friends, hobbies or aspirations. I sometimes find him too climgy and like I need to mother him. He apologies to me for things very often yet doesn't seem to be improving. There is also no passion in our relationship mostly on my part. We don't have sex anymore, but he says he can give up sex if it means having me. I feel like there is no actual romantic love in it anymore. On the other hand tho he is the sweetest person I know. He's kind and does a lot for me emotionally. He cares about me and we get along very well and have simillar ideas about life. I feel very comfortable around him and he accepts me with all my flaws. I'm terrified of leaving him but at the same time I have a feeling I'll be unhappy in the future if I stay with him. I feel like I am making a mistake staying in a relationship with someone like that even tho he gives me comfort. I'm really stuck here and don't know what I should do. Am I taking him for granted? Will i regret this? Are my doubts real? Am I taking him for granted? -- It sounds to me like you're both taking the relationship for granted. Him especially. He's not putting in very much effort, that's for sure. You haven't identified one single aspect of this relationship that indicates even a remote possibility of being a successful long-term, committed one. Even if you two aren't talking marriage, attending pre-marital counseling/courses would be a huge eye opener for you both and would give you a real view of what a relationship should look like and show you what elements of compatibility are needed for marriage/co-habitating, etc. Financial responsibility/security, for instance, is a huge area that a couple needs to be on the same page about. He has no friends, hobbies or aspirations. I sometimes find him too climgy and like I need to mother him. He apologies to me for things very often yet doesn't seem to be improving. -- What you have with him is a parent-child relationship. It's unbalanced. If you are feeling as though you are doing all the "heavy lifting", you going to drain yourself and it is already happening. The two of you need to be independent, self-sufficient, fully matured individuals in your own right before you can have a mutually satisfying relationship with anyone. I'm terrified of leaving him but at the same time I have a feeling I'll be unhappy in the future if I stay with him -- What you have now with him is what you will have for a long time. Even if he's going to change, let him do that on his own watch or someone else's, not yours. I feel very comfortable around him and he accepts me with all my flaws. -- You are accepting him with all his flaws -- however, his flaws are not little ones like leaving the cap off the toothpaste. His flaws are emotional immature, financial irresponsibility and he has a social deficit. You on the other hand, sound to be more focused and mature. Find someone who compliments those qualities rather than a nice guy who takes advantage of them and is making you lose sight of what's really important in a partner. I'm terrified of leaving him -- I don't think you're terrified of leaving HIM. You're afraid of the unknown and leaving the comfort of what you know and have become used to. There's a lot more living to do for a young man and woman like you two. Get some life experience and get grounded as individuals. Your life can be so much more rewarding.
thompkevin Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Hey, Think about this. If you had a genie and he could grant you a wish where you were given the choice to leave him, without hurting him at all, and without any repercussions, will you take it? Another question for you. If you had a time machine and you could go back to the start of the relationship, will you start a relationship with him? The answer to the above questions should give you a good idea if you should leave him. I also recommend this book by Mira Kirshenbaum if you are still confused about leaving him.
todreaminblue Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) my ex that i had until i was 21 .......was illiterate.....uneducated he left school in primary school year 4 to be exact.he was a street smart orphan.......he was a social person overly so ...party animal and had hobbies.....he did martial arts break dancing and held a full time job as a spruiker at a strip club......i was a yougn woman ex military....high iq could hang with professors and uni grads even though i left in school in high school i am naturally curious always have ebeen ..... and loved to learn...due toa domino effect of circumstances i was really young and homeless i became an escort...... i dated my ex fro two reasons in sympathy...one girls would use him for money.....and ridiculed him.....two ...i had rich business men shady ones chasing em to go out with me bouncers and club owners....like they were in competition i dont know why they chased so hard...............i think there were five who were harassing me at the time..........so i went with my ex instead.....as a form of protection....and to leave those girls who ridiculed him open mouthed.. and dumbfounded..... i taught my ex to read and simple mathematics.....i took over his finances as much as i could......and handled mine as well i worked as a book keeper for a while and can actually manage money..maths is easy stuff for me.......i just dont care about money to be consistent.....i am trying however to budget now ...lol...wish me luck.... look i cant say i shouldnt have dated him i have two sons and two grandchildren from that union.......it lasted three years.....he was a serial cheat.....and i was actually...loyal to him even though i was pretty frigid with him......obviosuly i did have sex ....it was not at all frequent.....after he cheated and i caught something while i was pregnant with my first son.......... he has no family besides me......its an unusual situation ..but i am not a usual girl.....i ahve forgiven him..illl never be with him though.... he sleeps on my couch......he is part of my family......and i have thought about adopting him so i can handle his medicals he is goign down hill....and i want him to not be alone..........i have always been that mother figure....or older sister..........sex with him felt wrong probably not his fault but mine...... the relationship turned really bad in the last few months he beat me up when i was pregnant with his second son....i am pretty sure the fight started because i refused to have sex with him and he was drunk.....because frigid bitch .....were the words thrown around....he would steal my money and leave me at home pregnant and with a young son for days..........no food.........the relationship was over .....he abandoned me left me on our toilet floor two black eyes coming up an egg on my forhead ....that was blue instantly.....and a bruised baby bump i loved and defended...its why my head got damaged i protected my bump first.....alcohol sucks i tell ya.......its demonic............i dont have much luck with toilets either .people trap me in them......long story...anyway....he moved in with some bikie chick where he would disappear to ........and i fell in love with my best friend......rebounded......that lasted fifteen years.... i am going to say to you...you dont love him leave him ..dont wait for it to turn bad.......or be his mother if you wish...we will talk again in twenty years ..........but dont elude to anything but those motherly feelings.......eh may be a nice guy ...if he is a nice guy even more so let him go find the girl who loves him just the way he is......and you be with someone who loves you and who you love in return and see potential in..... ...or we have a date...here this thread....archived twenty years from now... and you can update me.....how you are feeling..... dont prolong anything...doesnt make it less painful...when it has to happen anyway.......i wish you light and peace and hope you make the right decisions...there are worse things than being alone...beaten every day is one...being unhappy in a relationship for the rest of your life is another.....(you dont know how long you have...dont waste time) yours or his..........deb. Edited April 4, 2017 by todreaminblue
Author DaliPose Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Thank you for all the great advice and opinions guys! It gave me a bit to think about and I feel I can make a more confident decision soon.
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