Paradise99 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I have been married for a little over a year now. When I met my husband he was going through a bitter divorce while I was already divorced. Things were going fine between us. Built a home and started a biz together. He has 2 kids from his ex. At the beginning he used to see his kids every weekend. He has always said he needs to see them frequently which I totally agree to. Then all of a sudden he stopped visiting his kids. It has been 2 months since he last saw them. He's claiming that he's busy at work which he is but still it's so not him to spend as much time away from them. One day I was having tea in the balcony and needed something from the room. When I stepped inside I heard him talking to her saying he won't keep saying he's gonna make it up for her forever !!! Hearing so made me check his phone a couple of weeks later and I found out she's sending him a flood of texts all begging for him for the old days and wishing that everything goes back to how it was between them. I also found a message claiming that even though she wants him she thinks she needs to let go of him to start a new life then back to the begging type and being as swwt as she possibly can mentioning memories and how much she loved him. I didn't find any response from him to those messages but I discovered that he calls her many times along the day and deletes the call logs afterwards. I discovered so when I found a text informing that her phone is now available to reach and then checked the call logs and figured out he deleted all calls he made to get. I m now pregnant. It's 2 months to delivery date. I have this feeling he's only with me till I deliver and from the way I see things going between them I concluded that may be he promised her to leave me after delivery and return back to her. Frankly her words seem to have really influenced him. Now I really don't know what to do. Should I just walk away first? Should I wait and see what will happen or what ? I didn't tell him anything about what I found out and I don't plan to tell him. But really I wanna have a plan for I m afraid he's gonna betray me and leave me all of a sudden
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I think you need to talk to him not make assumptions. You are married. You owe it to the child to not just throw in the towel. If he is going back to his EX, make sure you have your ducks in a row for child support / visitation etc. also how you will split the business. 7
Author Paradise99 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 I hate the fact that he's the one who's supposed to kick off the chat and come straight especially that I am not the drama queen type. I d hate to start the discuss myself as it would be really humiliating. For the biz all documents already state my share. I just don't understand why he's keeping it a secret?! Why doesn't he come clean? Is it the being torn phase?! I need to figure out child support in case he's planning to disappear as I d really hate to go through courts and filing for the same
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 What a difficult position to find yourself in. To me, most concerning issue is he deletes all evidence of his responses to her and his call logs. An ex that you're not interested in can't persuade you to come back, no matter how much he or she pleads. In fact, if you aren't on board it's just a huge turn-off that pushes you even further away. The big problem here is that you chose to get involved with a man with unfinished business (he was in the midst of a divorce) who was nowhere near ready for a new relationship, but was eager to fill the void in his life and not to be alone. That's the huge risk with men going through a divorce. Anyway, I wouldn't say anything at this point. Hens already hiding stuff from you. He'll just do a better job of covering his tracks while calling you paranoid and or unreasonably jealous. I know it's stressful, but you need more info to make a decision you're comfortable with for both you and your baby. Try to behave as normally as possible under the circumstances and collect more solid evidence. Hide a voice-activated recorder in his car. Distract yourself by getting the nursery ready for your baby, spending time with close friends and family, fostering your support system, etc. while you do this. I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a tough position. 4
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 (edited) Focusing on "what-if" scenarios is unhelpful and just adding unnecessary stress right now. Please focus instead on getting more (solid) information. That will help you figure out what you need to do and what decisions are needed. Rash decision-making will only lead to you second-guessing yourself later on and feeling regret. Our intuition is almost never wrong, but first try to get some hard evidence to support your decisions. I hate the fact that he's the one who's supposed to kick off the chat and come straight especially that I am not the drama queen type. I d hate to start the discuss myself as it would be really humiliating. For the biz all documents already state my share. I just don't understand why he's keeping it a secret?! Why doesn't he come clean? Is it the being torn phase?! I need to figure out child support in case he's planning to disappear as I d really hate to go through courts and filing for the same He didn't disappear on his ex or other children, did he? Why would he do this to you? He's not likely to disappear abruptly if he has an active business and family. Edited April 3, 2017 by angel.eyes 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Frankly her words seem to have really influenced him. Don't fall into this trap. She hasn't drugged, hypnotized or brainwashed him so any participation, even if it's just conversation, is of his own free will. Given your pregnancy, I'd talk to him now. Tell him you want two things immediately - NC with her except for texts concerning co-parenting and complete transparency. His answer will be telling... Mr. Lucky 6
Author Paradise99 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 I am acting as normal as I possibly can. Don't wanna consume myself trying to get more info cos to me it's quite enough what I have seen and the fact that he's deleting all traces of his contact with her. It would only make me feel worse and torture myself to try to listen or record their conversations. I am more stuck in preparing myself for what I feel I m gonna face as it truly doesn't feel good. Waiting for the big news is slowly killing me and I need to get started preparing for having a steady life as if he's with her but I don't know where or how to start
Marc878 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 If he's no smarter than that you're probably better off. Sorry you're going thou this
Try Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 (edited) At the beginning he used to see his kids every weekend. He has always said he needs to see them frequently which I totally agree to. Then all of a sudden he stopped visiting his kids. It has been 2 months since he last saw them. If he is not seeing the kids, then he is not taking advantage of the easy opportunity of to see his ex while visiting the children. If he were cheating with her, that would not be the case. In fact you would instead be telling us how much he is seeing his children. I think that he may not be visiting his children right now in order to avoid the drama of the ex begging him to come back to her, and that he is making the mistake of deleting the logs because you knowing that she is doing this might negatively influence your future reaction when he does start visiting the children again. I am not saying that he is right in deleting the logs and not telling you what is going on, but just telling you another perspective to the he is cheating and planning on leaving you for her. Edited April 3, 2017 by Try 1
BaileyB Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Given your pregnancy, I'd talk to him now. Tell him you want two things immediately - NC with her except for texts concerning co-parenting and complete transparency. His answer will be telling... Absolutely. I would also say that you have to learn why he has not had contact with his children these last few months... Is it because of their mother? It's really not good for him to cut off contact with his children... this is not the action of a devoted father.
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Your imagination can be far worse than reality. You need to get a handle on what is really happening rather than letting your imagination run wild. Stick the VAR in his car. Capture what is really being said in these conversations before you jump to conclusions. It's interesting that you immediately jump to the idea that he'll disappear on you and leave you high and dry either in the final stages of pregnancy or with a newborn. Again, he was very involved with his other children after his divorce. Is there something about your relationship that you aren't sharing? Why do you feel his bond with you is so tenuous even though you're married and business partners? Why would he abruptly vanish on you and his new baby? I am acting as normal as I possibly can. Don't wanna consume myself trying to get more info cos to me it's quite enough what I have seen and the fact that he's deleting all traces of his contact with her. It would only make me feel worse and torture myself to try to listen or record their conversations. I am more stuck in preparing myself for what I feel I m gonna face as it truly doesn't feel good. Waiting for the big news is slowly killing me and I need to get started preparing for having a steady life as if he's with her but I don't know where or how to start
Author Paradise99 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 I wasn't looking for evidence or trying to prove my imagination is correct. It all started when I heard him saying he is gonna make it up to her. In order to make it up to her, that needs time to cut me loose and based on that promise he's not visiting the kids till he's able to fulfill his promise.
angel.eyes Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 How did you get from that simple comment in a random conversation to planning for when he vanishes and worrying about dealing with the court system to get child support? Why did you jump to the conclusion that he's leaving you? How are you making that leap? Also, why is your marriage so tenuous? Are you leaviing out key pieces of information?
Author Paradise99 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 We have been together for 3 years. I was around during his struggle with her for 3 years whilst getting the divorce and after it. From not allowing him to see the kids to money problems... etc. she used to fluctuate between bouts of normal actions to others of abnormal ones. He was never secretive, never acting like he has no contact with her. That's what you would do if you are over your ex emotionally. Now that she wants him back fiercely and the fact that he tells her he needs to make it up to her as well as deleting all evidence of contact, doesn't it mean he is leaving a door open for her? Allowing such texts and contact from her side means he's either interested in getting her back or even worse that he s the one who initiated the make up process!
angel.eyes Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Yes, it's concerning but there are other reasons why he might be doing so. Leaping to conclusions the way you are without gaining clarity about which of those reasons might be in play is downright irresponsible when there is a child involved.
Author Paradise99 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 There comes a moment when you can't tell what's right and what is wrong. It might be the case that it's not true what I m thinking of but then again it might also be true. You see signs , you feel something is cooking and being responsible forces me to consider all options and expect anything.
Author Paradise99 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 There comes a moment when you can't tell what's right and what is wrong. It might be the case that it's not true what I m thinking of but then again it might also be true. You see signs , you feel something is cooking and being responsible forces me to consider all options and expect anything.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 There comes a moment when you can't tell what's right and what is wrong. It might be the case that it's not true what I m thinking of but then again it might also be true. You see signs , you feel something is cooking and being responsible forces me to consider all options and expect anything. Which would indicate you haven't talked to him about this yet. Why not :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky 2
angel.eyes Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 There comes a moment when you can't tell what's right and what is wrong. It might be the case that it's not true what I m thinking of but then again it might also be true. You see signs , you feel something is cooking and being responsible forces me to consider all options and expect anything. Why are you so resistant to figuring out what is actually going on first? Why are you so dead set on self-sabotage. If it were just you, that's one thing. But as a parent, you need to act responsibly! Figure out what is going on. THEN take appropriate action based on actual facts!
olivetree Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 My take is this: Something happened between them when he was over there visiting the kids. Whatever happened between them made her think that she has a real chance of getting him back now. Now he feels guilty and is avoiding her.
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 My take is this: Something happened between them when he was over there visiting the kids. Whatever happened between them made her think that she has a real chance of getting him back now. Now he feels guilty and is avoiding her. Do the ex and kids live close by?
Try Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 We have been together for 3 years. I was around during his struggle with her for 3 years whilst getting the divorce and after it. From not allowing him to see the kids to money problems... etc. she used to fluctuate between bouts of normal actions to others of abnormal ones. He was never secretive, never acting like he has no contact with her. That's what you would do if you are over your ex emotionally. Now that she wants him back fiercely and the fact that he tells her he needs to make it up to her as well as deleting all evidence of contact, doesn't it mean he is leaving a door open for her? Allowing such texts and contact from her side means he's either interested in getting her back or even worse that he s the one who initiated the make up process! Here is another point of view. If you started seeing him while he was still married prior to the divorce being final, such that at anytime during or after the fact you became aware that him seeing you was kept a secret from his wife, then to the now ex-wife and to him, you were viewed as the other woman that he cheated with. You may not have been aware of this at the time, but if it is true, your concerns are now based on the fact that if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. 1
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