Tedmanstehle Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 My husband is always working on a project in our home. Once the project is done he's on to another project. He will work 9-5, come home and work on the house or outside in the yard until the sun goes down. Repeat 7 days a week. He says I don't help enough. That I don't work enough on the house or outside. He says he does 90% of it all and I sit on the couch. The thing is I am doing projects all the time. but its never enough. To be fair I work full time as well and some days I don't want to come home and paint or rake or plant or drill or do anything else on the house. It gets old! Spending every hour of every day doing something else on the house or outside. If the suns out and its not raining, we have to be doing a project. If Im not working on a weekend I will do gardening and things here and there but yes, I also love having time to myself to relax. I dont have a lot of that. My husband has no concept of taking a break. He never can sit still, he always has to be doing something. I like to read and have hobbies. His hobby is working on our house. & the hobby never ends. Dont get me wrong I am so thankful to have a man who works so hard and wants everything to be kept up but Im at the point where if he comes home and Im relaxing I will jump up and pretend to be doing housework just so he doesnt get mad at me. I do my share of cleaning and cooking and projects. but its never enough. Im expected to be outside if he is outside, or working on things if he is working on things. Im exhausted. I feel like I could build him a house and the next day he'd say "why aren't you building another house?" Last night we go into it again - he worked outside all day and I stayed indoors, reading. Yes, I admit I was reading. I read for three hours. He came in and ignored me, and I knew something was wrong. I knew what it was immediately. When I confronted him he said that hes tired of doing everything by himself and I never help and he makes the house functional, etc. We havent spoke since. Im tired of walking on eggshells in my own home! Im tired of feeling like I cant come home from work and just sit down for a minute without being berated for not working on a project. I feel like a child who isnt doing enough chores and then gets in trouble. Am I wrong here?
Els Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Man, I can't stand people like that. Life isn't life if you can't stop and smell the roses sometimes. Was he like that before you got married/moved in together? A possible solution would be to sit down together and come up with a list of things that absolutely NEED to be done for the house, and split that 50/50. If he wants to do extra things like renovating the house or a new gardening project, that's on him. As long as you're doing your half of the necessary chores, you should be entitled to relax. 2
Author Tedmanstehle Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Late 30s, no kids. & Elswythe, I agree! However, he will say he shouldnt have to tell me to help or how to help, that I should just DO IT. or that I should WANT to do all these projects. but Im with you, if I just cleaned the house, did all the laundry and made dinner - havent I done enough? Why do I have to go haul rocks all day, too? He has been like this since home ownership which started for us in 2010.
Southern Sun Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 No, I don't think you're wrong. My brother-in-law's wife is always working on their house. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. He works long hours and if she starts cleaning, it's understood that if he doesn't start working alongside her, she'll be pissed. Period. I work, you work. That is one thing I am very grateful for in my M. My H and I have just figured that one thing out. We do our parts. We both work around the house. But we don't resent each other if we are doing our parts when the other one isn't. Why would we?? We get it done. That's a lot of energy towards anger that doesn't need to be there. He's basically controlling how your household is run through his preferences. People are different and that's okay. I like Elswyth's suggestion to agree on what needs to be done. And that really does mean agree...you get an opinion too. Maybe you could sit down on a Sunday and talk about the projects for that upcoming week, come to some general idea of what you want to accomplish (and what you're agreeable to), and go from there. But there is obviously a communication issue too. He needs to understand how much this bothers you. This is a LIFESTYLE problem and it won't go away. You and he need to find a good compromise.
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 You two need more communication around this subject. I'm not a project person. I would rather read. If he's a tinkerer, he has to accept that not everyone else is. Does he spend time with you? Can you afford to pay someone to do certain chores? Who does all the inside work -- making dinner? Doing laundry? Vacuuming? etc. If you are the one doing most of that, it has to count toward your contribution. I'm not sure where your happy medium lies, but you have to work with your husband to find it. At the very least you have to nix this idea that you can read his mind to just "know" what has to be done.
mikeylo Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 If he has been like this since you bought the house , that too so long ago, he isn't going to change. You've got to talk it out and find a medium that works for both. He is reaching 40s and you will notice more changes. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Sell the house. Buy a condo. Sell the husband. Buy a boyfriend. j/k... Any spouse that tried to schedule my time to this degree would get zero compliance and cooperation. And I say this as someone who enjoys working on the house in my time off. Unless you're living in the never-finished Winchester Mystery House, home upkeep isn't a seven-day a week job... Mr. Lucky
mightycpa Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 (edited) I'm going to take it on faith that you don't live in an old and dilapidated POS that needs 24/7 attention. I'm somewhat like your husband, I'm always doing something around the house or to the cars or whatever. It ticks me off when there are things that need to be done around the house and the wife and kids sit on their butts for hours at a time, not doing anything, or reading or watching a movie or whatever. First, I think the important word is NEED. For example, just today, during lunchtime, I went to the auto store, got a couple of headlight bulbs and replaced them in one of our cars. Why? Because the low beams don't work. I don't ordinarily drive this car, and my wife has a Masters in Engineering, before you fair-weather feminists get all lathered up. How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Anyway, they will all watch TV or whatever instead of taking the time to replace a couple of bulbs. They will drive around with their brights on instead of replacing a couple of bulbs. That kind of crap absolutely drives me batsh*t. NEED. So, if something NEEDS to be done, then, yeah, I can see where he'd get a little bent out of shape. Beautification is not a need, in my opinion. Improvement is not a need either. This is where I'll note that you said hes tired of doing everything by himself and I never help and he makes the house functional Making the house functional might very well be a need. Or, his assertion is actually untrue, and the house was already functional. He's just improving the way it functions. Second, the other thing you may want to consider is that the way you treat your home is, at least to me, a reflection of how much you love your home. Me? I love it. It's where me and my family live. I want to make it the best that it can be. So that drives me. I won't treat you to the details, but let's just say that this is one of those issues where my wife and I don't see eye to eye all the time. But maybe your husband shares my feeling and has not articulated that to you. By doing what he's doing, he's expressing love for you. Using that yardstick, you aren't reciprocating. I know it's not fair, but it is a perspective that may pertain in your case. At least it is a way to describe your differences, and that might help start the conversation that you apparently have not yet had. Last, you did say hobby. So, maybe the way to address your impasse is to look at it this way. You guys both work. Let's call that 9 hours. You both sleep. Another 8. You sh*t, shower, shave and eat. Another 2. You have personal chores. Another 1. That leaves 4 hours per day M-F for both responsibilities and down time. On the weekends, 12 hours per day for both responsibilities and down time. Maybe what you can do is distinguish between responsibilities and down time. For example, if he golfed instead of laying tile in the kitchen, he might spend 5 hours on the weekend doing that. So you might characterize 5 hours Saturday and 5 hours Sunday as "hobby" time. You have your hobbies and he has his. His just happen to improve your home, but I think the path to happiness is that you need to make clear that maybe he's not actually working on the house, maybe what he's really doing is enjoying his favorite pastime, and demanding that it become your favorite pastime too. Maybe you can help him document his work on video and put it on youtube to help others or to build a brand. Maybe he just wants you to participate in some way, show him you're proud of what he does. More likely, you simply have to open his eyes to see that he IS relaxing when he engages in these activities, but that you can't, because to you, it smells too much like work. Edited April 3, 2017 by mightycpa
carhill Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Ha, OP, I've got male friends like your H. They define themselves by their accomplishments in life. Pretty common with guys. To them, reading a book or watching wildlife or listening to music isn't accomplishing anything so lacks value and meaning. I was raised by a woman who was like your H. A regular slave driver Always on the gas going 100mph. My takeaway from all of it was yeah, I like getting stuff done but that's not going to define what life means to me when the time comes to head off this mortal coil. That the yard was perfect, the wiring just so and the plumbing immaculate I won't speak for your H but I did give my exW some deserved credit to know when and how to bring up disparities and communicate about them. She'd invariably do it after sex If two people really love and respect each other, communication and listening usually solves any snags that come up. If they don't, all the negotiation in the world isn't going to fix it.
Recommended Posts