lawgirl79 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I have went out with this guy about 4 times within the past month and we have been texting every day for the past month. During our first date I told him that I wanted to take things slow and that all of the other dates I went on the guys wanted to jump right into a relationship. I am 38 the guy I am dating close to his 50s. I am very attracted to him. He sends me messages telling me good morning, how was my day and so on. The problem is, he is very busy. He has a full time day job, works at a tattoo shop in the evenings that he owns and is in a band so he has band practice. I only see him maybe once a week sometimes once every week and a half. During our third date I went to his house and we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie, we had our first kiss. Nothing further than that though. I'd like to have more time with him but I dont want him to have to change his schedule. I want to tell him how I feel but I dont want it to appear that I am coming on too strong. We have a date lined up for this Wednesday. What should I do?
Telemachus Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 He's no busier than anyone else. We all get the same 24 hours per day, and we each decide how to spend them. If you want more time with him, ask him out or ask him to visit you. Be the one extending the invitation. Be specific about date, time, and place. He'll either say "yes" or "no". You already know that he has other priorities, so it won't surprise of disappoint you greatly when he says "no". 2
SevenCity Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 You are getting exactly what you asked him for and now you complain? 7
kendahke Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I told him that I wanted to take things slow and that all of the other dates I went on the guys wanted to jump right into a relationship. He is very busy. He has a full time day job, works at a tattoo shop in the evenings that he owns and is in a band so he has band practice. I only see him maybe once a week sometimes once every week and a half. What should I do? Figure out what you want. Do you want to take things slow or do you want to jump into a relationship? You're saying one thing and wanting the opposite. I am very attracted to him. He sends me messages telling me good morning, how was my day and so on. But the question is: is he very attracted to you? Enough to rearrange and include you in his life? That's what you need to find out--and at 1 month in, it might be too soon for him to make that calculation. It's not like he's not paying attention to you. He's taking this slow and not rushing into a relationship with you--like you asked for. It's a bit too soon for much more going by what you asked for, isn't it? Don't expect for him to drop his life at this point. Keep taking things slow--this is what that looks/feels like.
Miss Spider Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 What's too strong about "I like spending time with you. I'd like to see you more often" ? Just be real. If that's too strong, then he's not that into you. If he is he should pick up the ball to the extent that he can. 4
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 The problem is, he is very busy. He has a full time day job, works at a tattoo shop in the evenings that he owns and is in a band so he has band practice. I only see him maybe once a week sometimes once every week and a half. As these are pretty firm commitments then I see nothing changing probably forever, so is this something you can cope with? He owns the tattoo shop, so it not something he is likely to just give up and as for bands, most can get pretty obsessive about their music, so he is unlikely to want to give that up either. Unless you want to become a tattoo artist or join his band, then he has literally no time for you and as you want more out of this relationship, then I cannot see how this can work. 4
preraph Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Tell him, "Remember how I told you I wanted to take things slow? Well, I'm ready to pick up the pace now if you are. I'm having fun!" Put that "fun" in there so it doesn't sound like you're trying to tie him down. He is busy. He has three jobs, but you should be able to see him because at least two of those jobs are somewhat flexible/casual. 3
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Thank you all for the advice. I guess I am being contradicting to what I initially told him I wanted. I didn't think I was going to like him as much as I do. I plan on keeping it at the pace it is going for now to see where it goes.
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Sometimes "slow" is code for "I don't want sex right now; I'd like to get to know you better." Here he has limited time due to real & unlikely to change commitments. What time does his tattoo shop close? Are you willing to see him that late, possibly somewhere near his business? IF so set up a date like that. As for the band, do they perform? Can you go to a show? People make time for what & who they deem important. Communicate with him that you'd like to see him more than once per week. That is hardly pushy. You aren't asking for daily. 1
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 His shop closes at 9. On the days I see him it is usually after they close. He did tell me that he usually doesn't work at the shop but one of his employees quit so until he finds a replacement, he has to work at the shop. Once he hires somone he should have some more time. As far as the band is concerned, they are signed with a label and are working on an EP at this moment so they are not doing "gigs" for me to attend. He also did tell me that he is not looking for a "hook up" and that he finds me extremely attractive and that is it hard for him to hold back which gives me the impression he is attracted to me. I dont want a "hook up" as well. I really just think he is busy. But its hard for me because I like him and find myself wanting to spend more time with him.
Miss Spider Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 (edited) His shop closes at 9. On the days I see him it is usually after they close. He did tell me that he usually doesn't work at the shop but one of his employees quit so until he finds a replacement, he has to work at the shop. Once he hires somone he should have some more time. As far as the band is concerned, they are signed with a label and are working on an EP at this moment so they are not doing "gigs" for me to attend. He also did tell me that he is not looking for a "hook up" and that he finds me extremely attractive and that is it hard for him to hold back which gives me the impression he is attracted to me. I dont want a "hook up" as well. I really just think he is busy. But its hard for me because I like him and find myself wanting to spend more time with him. Yea...dont just listen to the words, also watch the actions. Is he consistent? Is he generous with the time he does have? Is it quality? Is he making efforts to get to know you by suggesting activities that facilitate that? If he's like "you're so attractive, it's hard to hold back" but does the 'ol Netflix and hang out at my place thing after 9 because he's so busy.......yeah... Whats on the itinerary for Wednesday date, just out of curiosity? Edited April 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 He is off Wednesday from the shop so I am meeting him after work and we are going to get Sushi. 3
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 On another note, I work at a law office and usually wear dresses with suit jackets. Should I wear something less "sexy" like a pants suit. I dont want him to just say he is not looking to "hook up" and then I dress too sexy to give the impression that is what I am looking for.
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Wearing a dress or skirt doesn't signal that you're looking for a hookup. To me, wearing a pant suit on a date is a mistake. Some of my suits are much more feminine than others. If I'm meeting my boyfriend after work, those are the ones I wear, and I'll often change the shirt underneath to a sexier top so that it doesn't scream business. He's never seen me in a pant suit, even though I own plenty of those. I'm not interested in being "one of the guys" around him. It's a date, not a business meeting. 5
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 During my third date I went over to his house to watch a movie and we cuddled on the couch. I got up to go to the bathroon and to leave. As I was walking back from the bathroom he was sitting on the couch. I wanted a kiss so I straddled him and kissed him and sat there a few more minutes talking to him. I got up to leave and he walked me to the door and gave me another kiss and a tight hug picking me off the ground. I am meeting him tonight and am hoping that I didnt come on too strong the last time we met causing him think that I am only interested in sex. We havent had any sexual conversations but I am not sure how he feels about me yet as we dont really conversate much during the week because he has a busy work schedule. Just several messages checking in throughout the day. I kind of want to ask him how he feels because if he only wants sex, that is not what I am looking for. Should I ask?
preraph Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Yes, you should ask something like, So we haven't talked about what each other is looking for. I'm looking to meet someone I can call a boyfriend. What about you? Nah, you didn't come on that strong. But some guys do prefer to be the ones to make the moves. Don't do the same thing on the next date. That stuff is perfect for one you're exclusive.
CptInsano Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) Maybe I'm missing something. When you straddled and kissed him, wasn't there a particular reaction from his side? If I was into you my response to your behavior would have been very .. unambiguous, in one direction or the other. Edited April 5, 2017 by CptInsano 1
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 When I kissed him he kissed me back and was running his hands through my hair so it seemed that he was into it. I stopped kissing him because I was having a hard time controlling myself so I started a small conversation on how I had a fun evening and that I had to go because it was late and had work the next day. That is when I got up.
Mrin Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 When I kissed him he kissed me back and was running his hands through my hair so it seemed that he was into it. I stopped kissing him because I was having a hard time controlling myself so I started a small conversation on how I had a fun evening and that I had to go because it was late and had work the next day. That is when I got up. Ok. Then I don't think you came on too strong and I don't think he's just in it for the sex. If he were, he wouldn't have let you get off his lap. Think about it, if you were that on the edge all he would have had to do was slide one hand around your waist to the small of your back and pulled you into him. Right? He didn't and kept his hands above your shoulders. But it is time to escalate. And I don't think there is anything wrong with having the "just so you know, I am interested in a relationship" conversation.
CptInsano Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 When I kissed him he kissed me back and was running his hands through my hair so it seemed that he was into it. I stopped kissing him because I was having a hard time controlling myself so I started a small conversation on how I had a fun evening and that I had to go because it was late and had work the next day. That is when I got up. Yeah, I would say he is into you, but let's you take the lead for some reason. Just do what you feel like the next time.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 It's only been 3 dates.....not very many people will pour on the romantic talk so soon. You can say something, but that doesn't mean you are in the clear....people can lie to get what they want to get. You want it to be more than about sex, wait on the sex and watch how he treats you, how he talks to you, what he says to you, etc.
d0nnivain Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I wouldn't bring it up first. More talk at this point will ruin / complicate things unnecessarily. You clearly expressed an interest in him. He responded appropriately without escalation given it was a weeknight. Three dates in is a good time for the idea of sex to be expressed. I don't think you can have sex with this "busy guy" until you figure out how much time he will have for you when he gets a new employee at the tattoo shop. You need to be looking at his actions. 1
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I don't think you can have sex with this "busy guy" until you figure out how much time he will have for you when he gets a new employee at the tattoo shop. You need to be looking at his actions. Agreed, sex will just make you even more invested and not necessarily increase the frequency of the dates. Some older guys get stuck in their ways and if he thinks he has a nice life with his work, his tattoo shop and his band, then whilst a date, dinner and sex with you every 7-10 days may be good, he may not want much more from you. What is his previous dating history? Is it possible he is seeing other women too? Bands tend to attract women. 1
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 He has never been married but has been in 3 long term relationships. I only know the most recent one ended because he was in an emotion affair with a woman at work. I dont know why the other ones ended yet. This is okay with me because I have been there and done that and understand that sometimes you live and learn. Hopefully that is the case with him. I am aware that it may not be... but time will tell. He has been single for 3 years but wants a relationship. I am not sure about the band and girls, although I do consider that a possibility.
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