Break up is tearing me up inside!

[CC1985]

Long story short, I met a girl 11 months ago, we hit it off,fell in love very quickly and a month ago bought a 4 bedroom house together (we both have a child each from a previous relationship and they get on well like brother and sister).

 

Everything was perfect and she really was like a dream girl to me and couldn’t believe how good things were. We would often talk about future plans and even discussed trying for our own baby once we were settled in the house.

 

After 4 or 5 months, and some amazing moments, great holidays and securing the house I started to let insecurities creep in, after my girlfriend received text messages from other men asking if she was single.The reason for my trust issues and insecurities was due to a 4 year relationship with a girl who displayed signs of borderline personality Disorder(BPD). Between splitting with her and meeting my current (well now ex gf) it was only a month or so, and I never intended to meet and fall for someone knowing I was damaged and required therapy as I had started to develop the trust issues that for 4 years my ex bpd gf had displayed.

 

I started mirroring some of the symptoms in my current relationship which ultimately drove my gf away (she gave me several “last chances” but still I made stupid comments and accusations about the slightest of issues like her using her phone whilst locked in the bathroom etc).

 

The week before she walked out I signed up to sea therapist to deal with my trust issues and she was appreciative of it but things that week deteriorated badly, even after a weekend away (great time, but one minor trust comment from me turned the mood sour although we reconciled and had a good romantic night together).

 

It’s now just over 2 weeks since she walked out, and I have begged, emailed, phoned, done everything I could. She has been extremely angry and cold with any response and has blocked me on all forms of contact except email.

 

Last week, my sister attempted to speak to her via text and she said she needed time and space, but has since ignored my sister too. I had a lengthy phone conversation with my ex last Tuesday and she was adamant that she couldn’t come back and was very hurtful and nasty towards me, backtracking on any good thing she’s ever said, telling me she was only saying them to boost my ego at the time. We ended the conversation agreeing to 2 weeks no contact, and only to contact regarding our house or pets.

 

Since then, I have lived at the house while she is at her Mums, who has apparently never liked me (I have never done anything to upset her until this latest row, but she has been alone for over 20years so isn’t used to having a man in her life, whereas I’m used to being in a family environment.).

 

We have been exchanging emails in the past few days (my fault for breaking nc) and again my ex has been very cold in telling me she can’t come back and that I made her so unhappy, she became ill and how she can’t give me any more chances and doesn’t want to come back– She was put back on antidepressants 2 weeks ago so I understand these will take 4-6 weeks to kick in but I really don’t know where to go from here.

 

She has also said I need to think about what we are to do with our house (I put all the finance in to secure it and we are tied into a mortgage together, but she has said she will walk away with nothing).

 

I feel like I want to call her every 5 mins even though it has pushed her further away, I worry that she’s going to move on (even though she was single for well over a year before me and told me a week ago “where would she have the time with a little girl”), I just want to fix things and have her home in our house to give me a chance.

 

I am starting a weekly therapy course this week and this has been a wake up call for my trust issues.

 

Any advice on where I go now, as it’s been 2 weeks and I’m not feeling any better, getting more and more anxious and sending countless emails to try and make her see. I think her friends and family have all told her (based on her negative comments to never get back with me).

 

Female friends I’ve confided in have suggested that my only hope is no contact now, as I have pushed her far enough away. Will it work though and after such angry comments and insults towards me, will she ever come round? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I’m broken right now, wanting the girl I thought I was having everything with back. Thanks

Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs added ~T

[jorgeg3d]

Just leave her alone man. No contact with her. You really need to work on yourself. If she really loves you, she'll come back to you.

 

Otherwise your needy behavior will drive her further and further away, and your stalker level will rise, you don't want to do stupid things like call her and or go to her work place etc.

 

Best thing you should do is take her name off the loan of the house you bought together, have her sign off on it somehow. Also, never buy a house with someone you're not married with, lesson learned I hope.

Edited April 3, 2017 by jorgeg3d

[airborne3502]

I can feel your anxiety and desperation in your post.

 

I've recently been there, and all I can tell you is that you have to let her go. You have to let her go, and accept there isn't even a remote possibility she'll be back.

 

It's going to hurt like holy hell.

 

Go back to therapy, and lean on your friends. Write a journal in here and talk about it until the subject bores you. You were in something serious that ended, and met your ex a month later. Your chances aren't used up to meet someone that outshines them both. Nobody wants to hear that when they are where you are right now, because all you can think about is your ex. All you feel is the pain.

 

It will get better.

 

Try to string as many days together as you can without contacting her. Then eventually, some of those days will be good days. Eventually, the fever passes.

 

Hang in there man.

 

Don't let a broken relationship destroy you.

[CC1985]

Thanks for the advice guys, it really helps...I understand what you're saying, but I still feel the relationship can be repaired as I know that my ex remained single for well over a year before she met me and we've done so much in such a short space of time and planned so much. It was just my insecurities that have driven her away but I am confident I know not to let them out again and that the therapy I am getting will eradicate the thoughts.

I let things slip today contacting her and she was still very angry and ended up hanging up on me, but it didn't sound like her. When I asked about her day to break the subject she said she'd had a bad day as she was signed off with stress for a week and this had caused her to lose her work placement she has been looking forward to. She didn't sound herself and with the antidepressants only 2 weeks in, I just feel like maybe she is so depressed she is trying to block me and the house situation out. I don't understand depression properly but I know it can affect people in very different ways, but has anyone else had a similar situation where the mental state of their partner has driven them away. I don't know whether time and space will let her get back to herself and realise she misses what we had, but at present she does not see any of the good, happy times and I daren't mention the depression as I know you cannot try and reason with an illness being the cause of a breakup, I ultimately caused with my insecurities.

[ExpatInItaly]

You really need to leave her alone. She has been very clear that she does not wish to speak to you right now. Every contact you make right now is working against you and confirming in her mind that she made the right choice in ending it.

 

Work on you. That is all you can really do at this point.

 

The crux of this is that you sound very afraid to be alone, OP. I think you two moved far too fast, and built an entire future on very little real foundation. I get that she was participating in it, but I would be troubled by anyone who zooms through the healthy stages of a relationship. It screams that one or both of you were trying to fill a void and were hoping to seal the deal too early. That type of neediness is not attractive to us ladies. It drives insecurities and makes you cling too hard. Also, if your jealousy really was unfounded, that isn't an easy memory for her to erase. You two still have only known each other less than a year so she doesn't have other memories to go on. Constantly being accused of things you didn't do is exhausting and kills attraction. That is her primary impression of you.

 

If you want even the slightest chance, you have to back off. Pushing her right now will only send the message that you don't respect her boundaries and it will give her zero space to miss you.

[CC1985]

Hi, you've got it spot on tbh, I have never been used to being alone having had 2 other long term relationships so although I have my son to focus on (who it must be said has been a rock to me), I am missing my ex terribly, especially as I know what I have done wrong and feel like I can repair everything and give her the happy life we had at the start.

 

 

When I rang and spoke to her 4 days after she left, she was starting to come round to the idea of giving me a chance but her Mother snatched the phone off her and said she was ill and I should leave her. Now my ex seems cold and to have washed her hands of anything to do with me, and when I have spoken to her has been angry, swore (which is most unlike her) and has insulted every part of me as a person, father, lover. I actually sent a screenshot of a message she sent me just a month ago where she told me the reasons she loved me (this was after I had taken offence that she lied about receiving a message from another man). She turned it round and said she had only given me the compliments as an ego boost and played down everything she'd said.

I really think that although I ultimately ground her down with my insecurities, I am now getting the help and she said she appreciated that, but could the depression and fact her anti depressants wont have kicked in, be a factor? Has it been known for someone to feel better after a few weeks and realise what they are missing? We had such a positive future, wanted the same things and everything was in place. I know that if given just one final chance, I can make it all OK, but it really looks unlike she is going to come round.

[Chi townD]

Thanks for the advice guys, it really helps...I understand what you're saying, but I still feel the relationship can be repaired as I know that my ex remained single for well over a year before she met me and we've done so much in such a short space of time and planned so much. It was just my insecurities that have driven her away but I am confident I know not to let them out again and that the therapy I am getting will eradicate the thoughts.

 

No it can't dude. You can't MAKE anyone work on a relationship. They need to want to do that on their own. And it sounds like she is done. How many awful things about you do you want to hear? How many more hang ups do you want to endure? Dude, she's done man. Let her go! You got a lot riding against you. Her friends are telling her that you're awful, her mother doesn't like you, so she's not going to jeopardize her relationship with her mother for you. You are never going to win that battle. So, you need to let this go. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's something you need to hear.

 

So, what you need to do is work on the ONLY thing you have control over and that is YOU! Continue to go to counseling and get a handle on your insecurities. Realize that if you don't, then history is going to repeat itself and that won't be fair to the next girl you date.

 

Most important thing you can do right now is KEEP BUSY!!!! Constantly be doing something. When the weekend hits, get out of the house! Go camping on the weekend, or travel a few cities over and catch a music festival or a sporting event or run a 5-10K race. Always be moving and working on yourself.

[CC1985]

Man, I hear what you're saying but I just cannot let I go...I think the fact that my ex is obviously not well (even though it appears that I have contributed majorly to it), and the fact that she has left the majority of her and her daughter's stuff in the house suggests she's not 100% sure and is giving me something to cling onto.

 

 

I just feel like this is unfinished business and I know what I need to do to return to the good times, if only given the chance.

 

 

Right now she is too angry and evidently not in a good place herself to realise or even meet up to discuss, but will time and space maybe be the answer in that she could repair herself, start to miss me and remember the good things about the relationship.

 

 

I just wish I understand depression better to know what to say or do in the hope that my actions could help bring the person I fell in love back.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's impossible to say how much depression is affecting her current feelings towards you. It's also impossible to predict whether she'll have a change of heart.

 

All you can go on is the current situation, which is that she very much wants you to leave her alone. It doesn't matter what is fueling her anger at the moment. You being pushy and insistent won't help. Perhaps your ex really is an unstable woman herself, in which case, you aren't going to be the one to fix it.

 

You also have to consider how this is affecting your son. Surely seeing a woman (and her child) in and then out of his life so quickly is taking a toll. How old is he? You describe him as your rock, but OP, it should be the other way around. You need to be the stable and steady presence in his life. Children are extraordinarily sensitive and perceptive, even when they don't show it. You need to model healthy relationships to him, so he can see that even when things go awry, Dad is still his calm in the storm. Are you really able to do that now when your emotions are so fraught? I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have emotions, of course, but please be careful about how much of this your son is exposed to.

 

I do sympathize with you, to an extent. My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD, and I know all too well the chaos those relationships can entail and the damage left behind. I was not well for a while after that ended, as my self-esteem was in tatters and I just felt so miserable. I made a conscious choice not to date again until I was feeling better on my own. It sounds like you needed to do the same, but instead you masked that hurt by rushing full-force into another relationship without healing from the previous one. Take this time alone to really focus on getting yourself to healthier emotional place. You won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until you do that, anyway. Your most recent ex should not be your primary motivation for getting help. Do it for you and your son.

[klick09]

I actually sent a screenshot of a message she sent me just a month ago where she told me the reasons she loved me (this was after I had taken offence that she lied about receiving a message from another man). She turned it round and said she had only given me the compliments as an ego boost and played down everything she'd said.

.

 

I want to agree with someone who said that your ex seems a bit unstable. But she is not important. Let's talk about you. First of all, YOU WILL GET BETTER. This is a shock to your body and mind. You fell out of a loving, safe nest, and you are going to hurt. You need to do this: pack her stuff, send a polite e-mail that she needs to take her stuff (try not to be there when she does), re arrange the place and let the pain run its course. I was there. And I know what it is to be blamed for a failure of a relationship. And I know what is like to not be approved of by their family and friends. You need to go NO CONTACT. You need to NOT SEE AND NOT HEAR FROM HER for as long as it takes that your brain accepts the reality (it will happen naturally, trust me). I used to wake up and shake from anxiety and be afraid to get out of bed. And even after three months, it still happens on some mornings, but this time it passes quickly. Trust me when I tell you that soon enough, you will start to get tired of your own misery. You will start to see that it takes two people to work things out and two people to break things. You will become more gentle to yourself. You need to distance yourself from your ex, so that your brain can adjust to the idea that she is gone. She may or may not come back. People reconcile after months and even years. But I think that this relationship was a wake up call for you, rather than a till death do us apart kind of thing. You seem to be a very dependent person (just like me), and you have to embark on this mission where you learn how to live and laugh without anyone by your side. When you master this, you will have a healthy and loving relationship with the one who matters most...yourself.

[preraph]

If you continue to try to have relationships now, you will simply burn through them. You have big insecurity issues and who knows if there is more. You do need to keep working with a therapist. If you don't feel like one is helping, switch to another. it happens. But you will not be able to keep anyone acting like that. No one wants to live in your prison. If you don't have much equity int he house, great, let her leave with nothing. No loss there. Get another roommate, not a woman, if you can't afford to keep it on your own.

[CC1985]

Thanks guys, some really helpful comments and ideas and to be honest in the just over 2 weeks that she's been gone I haven't managed no contact for more than 2 days! It's just the coming to terms that something that was so perfect and beautiful for a while has gone so sour but I know that I can prove to my ex that I can conquer my insecurities if she gave me the chance. My ex is a stunning girl who gets a lot of male attention so I'm naturally scared that she'll move straight on (even though she stayed single for well over a year before meeting me). I do feel that while her head isn't right, whether it be stress, anxiety or depression, she is unlikely to drop any barriers and will remain angry at me but I just cling onto the hope that she clears her head, comes round and realises what we have to lose. She has been back to the house when I'm not here but hasn't taken anything other than what she needs. The house is jointly owned and neither focus could afford it solely. She's already suggested she would carry on paying her share with me living there until I can come out of our mortgage deal and sell in 2 years. I'm clinging onto the hope that despite her blocking me out and refusing to meet, the fact her head isn't in the right place and the fact she hasn't done anything final with her and her daughter's stuff still at the house, maybe, just maybe she will come round. Is no contact the only way to hopefully make her miss me?

[klick09]

My ex is a stunning girl who gets a lot of male attention so I'm naturally scared that she'll move straight on (even though she stayed single for well over a year before meeting me).

Right there. Please come back in a year and read this. You will not give a damn if she has moved on or not. And you are a stunning guy (if a stunning girl bought a house with you . You are insecure, and she lied to you. How do you two help each other? As for NC, please do not get into it thinking she will come back to her senses (although you will). The whole purpose of NC is for you to heal. You will get through this, I promise. Right now, you are not getting through it because you want her back. As soon as you accept that it is over, you will feel indifferent and empty, and then eventually someone new will walk in....and she will be a memory. Right now, you do not want her to become the memory, hence all the pain.

[klick09]

but I know that I can prove to my ex that I can conquer my insecurities if she gave me the chance.

Also, this. You should not be "proving" and "getting chances" from people who truly love you and are meant to be in your life. My best friend's mom was depressed to the point that she would not eat or sleep, quit her job and did not want to socialize at all. For MONTHS her husband would carry her in his arms and feed her. Guess what, he could have ditched her and let her deal with this on her own. You have insecurities and you need to work on them. Whoever did not want to battle this with you, is not worth a second of your time (assuming you did not physically assault her or such). And you will soon see this.

[preraph]

Thanks guys, some really helpful comments and ideas and to be honest in the just over 2 weeks that she's been gone I haven't managed no contact for more than 2 days! It's just the coming to terms that something that was so perfect and beautiful for a while has gone so sour but I know that I can prove to my ex that I can conquer my insecurities if she gave me the chance. My ex is a stunning girl who gets a lot of male attention so I'm naturally scared that she'll move straight on (even though she stayed single for well over a year before meeting me). I do feel that while her head isn't right, whether it be stress, anxiety or depression, she is unlikely to drop any barriers and will remain angry at me but I just cling onto the hope that she clears her head, comes round and realises what we have to lose. She has been back to the house when I'm not here but hasn't taken anything other than what she needs. The house is jointly owned and neither focus could afford it solely. She's already suggested she would carry on paying her share with me living there until I can come out of our mortgage deal and sell in 2 years. I'm clinging onto the hope that despite her blocking me out and refusing to meet, the fact her head isn't in the right place and the fact she hasn't done anything final with her and her daughter's stuff still at the house, maybe, just maybe she will come round. Is no contact the only way to hopefully make her miss me?

 

No contact is to make you move on, not to make her miss you.

[CC1985]

Thanks for all the support guys, it does really help and you know the trouble, I just cannot leave it as no contact!!! No matter how hard I try I want to ring her, talk her round (I nearly did 4 days after she left me until her Mum took the phone off her and hung up on me). Now she will not answer my calls, emails and I am blocked on all other forms of messaging. I know I need to stop now before risking a harassment case which would cause issues in my career.

 

 

The trouble is I just feel like the person I fell for and knew so well has vanished and in her place is this short fused, depressed and anxious person who cannot remember the good times, the passion, the future plans we shared. when I bring them up when we were speaking she plays them down and refutes the things she said such as "I want to be with you forever" or "I'll never hurt you" and "I want everything with you".

 

 

Last week she emailed to thank me for the mother's day present I had sent to her on behalf of her daughter and also said she appreciated I was getting therapy, she then said she just needed time and space and wasn't in any rush to return to an environment that made her so unhappy. These messages I took as positive and they came after 3 days of me not contacting her so given her anger this week following my constant emails / calls (some of which she has answered), maybe, just maybe her anger will subside again and she will start to wonder what I'm up to or miss me. Having been in a relationship with a girl who we strongly believe suffered with borderline personality disorder for 4 years before my current gf (ex) I do see similar traits in the way I was amazing at the start, but gradually became a bad person (admittedly partly due to my own insecurities), my ex gf having a troubled past and a tough upbringing. She was already on antidepressants when I met her but just stopped taking them at her own accord. There are other things that suggest something isn't right, like severe night terrors which seemed to stop once we moved in together.

 

 

Right now, it's been just over 2 weeks since she left or I saw her in person and I am not ready to get over her or move on myself, as I still feel that even though my insecurities have pushed her to feeling like this, her current anger and isolation from me and our house are more down to her mental state. If I leave her for 2 or 3 weeks, maybe she will calm down, maybe the tablets will kick in and help her feel better in herself and just maybe she will come round? It's just not getting any easier and I want to reach out for her. I will continue to try and focus my attention on my 4 year old son, who in response to the posts above knows I'm not myself but I try not to let him see how much I'm hurting and we do the things we normally do. Has anyone else had a severely anxious / depressed girlfriend leave, display anger and block everything out only to come round and return? I cling onto the hope she will as I feel we have unfinished business and so much to look forward to. I also don't understand how if as she has suggested she was never coming back, why hasn't she acted to move her stuff or sit and talk about the practicalities with the house we share. Her comment last week was "If we don't sort things, I will have to live at my Mums for 2 years until you can sell the house" It's the "if we" remark that suggested she was still very confused as to what she wants.

 

 

Is the deliberate blocking a way of trying to avoid making a decision while her head is all over the place?

Edited April 4, 2017 by CC1985

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to be fair, I feel it's a bit presumptuous to assume that once her anti-depressants kick in, she will have a change of heart. She was unhappy for a while, by the sounds of it. It's not all down to her being depressed and thus taking medicine won't change those feelings. Certainly they will probably help her in feeling more clear-headed, but that doesn't necessarily mean she will feel any differently about you. She will still remember you as an overly insecure man who doubted her and her love.

 

Her going so far as blocking you is a bad sign. She won't forget that she felt compelled to do so. Neither will her Mom feel very positively about you, if she had to hang up on you. You have inadvertently done a lot in the last couple weeks to make this break-up permanent, and even if your ex starts to feel better herself, she probably won't be so eager to try again. She sounds utterly fed up with you, to be blunt. What this all shows her is that you do not care about what's best for her; it's all about you and what you want and what you think is right. I realize you don't intend it that way, but that is the message you're sending every time you make unwanted contact. Even in a break-up, you don't know how to back off and respect her request for space. Blocking is generally extreme (especially considering you have a property together) so for her to have reached that point is not good. You likely won't stay blocked forever, as sooner or later you two will need to talk about the house. Perhaps she is also realizing she rushed into this and it's not what she wants.

 

You also need to be a lot more patient. Two weeks is very little time to heal. It's normal that you don't feel any better yet. It's not going to happen right away, especially given that you seem to be extremely needy and anxious in general. Your ex simply cannot be the person to soothe you right now. You are going to have to find other outlets to calm your nerves when you feel that urge to contact her coming on.

 

I'm curious for you to elaborate on your insecurities, though. What was it you said or did when you felt she was hiding something? And why did you feel she was hiding something from you? I have been on both sides of that coin. My ex forever accused me of talking to other men, when in fact I never did. He could not resist little digs and jabs and eventually I was totally sick of it. On the other hand, I had suspicions that a different ex of mine was hiding something - and I am not generally an insecure woman. He started behaving differently, started getting very protective of his phone. I didn't come right out and accuse him, but it turns out, I would have been right to do so. He was being unfaithful.

 

So I'd be interested to know more, regarding your suspicions and how you behaved with her.

[Steffi]

As someone who is having an onslaught of increasing attempts by my ex to get me to communicate with him, I can say it does make me want to run the other way.

 

I would say that there isn't any hope of you two getting back together EVER.

 

My situation can not be healed and it sounds as if your ex has the same belief about you and her.

[CC1985]

Thank Expat, and you're absolutely right, I know I have harmed my chances further but I think after her comments last week and she also told my sister she needed time and space, I think I tried to jump on them and convince her, a move which will never work especially when those around her at present have a fairly dim view of me despite me initially being a "genuine kind bloke" who she used to tell her mates "was a keeper".

 

 

With regards to the tablets, I am in no way trying to make them the reason for our break up, as I know full well my insecurities drove her away and despite the warnings from her I couldn't help the comments etc. That said, when I do speak to her on the phone she is not the person she used to be, she is angry, hurtful, swears a lot which is completely uncharacteristic of her. She was always calm, laid back and sweet. Before the break up and her being signed off and put on antidepressants she was under a lot of stress from work and struggling to cope by her own admissions.

 

 

In terms of my insecurities, when I met her (both 30 years old) I was too concerned about her past, how many partners etc and she took offence when I brought the subject up after 3 months of being together. Even though I let that all go, I took offence to the fact that she had messages on her phone from a bloke she went on a couple of dates with before she met me. She then had 2 or 3 messages from him since we were together where he was asking if we were still together and although it appeared that she hadn't replied, she refused to block the number which as a jealous person anyways I felt was to keep the option open. She was very coy about it and wouldn't even give me his full name or anything or send a message to ask him to leave her be. It grained on me and there would be times where she would be in the bath for an hour or so (no cause for suspicion in that, except she never took her phone with her until a month ago). When she took the phone in and I could hear messages coming through I would have silly thoughts come in, relating back to the bloke messaging her. She also used to get messages from blokes on facebook that she knew from the local area, and to me they would be out of the blue attempts to try and chat her up but she would play them down and jus ignore them. She agreed that as she had a lot of old contacts on her phone she would change her number as she was due a new deal anyways. Although we got the new sim card she has never activated it and put off using it.

I don't think for one minute she would ever have cheated on me, but the fact she wouldn't tell blokes to leave her alone or block their number fuelled my insecurities further. I fully admit I was badly damaged by having 4 year with a girl who accused me of every possible bad thing, hated me having attractive female colleagues or friends and used to even resent it if we watched a film with an attractive girl in it. Before my relationship with her I was cool, laid back and although jealous at times had no issues with trust (I was with a girl from high school for 9 years).

I am now getting the therapy I need which is intensive and focuses on relationships and trust, so that will hopefully help me in myself but I want the chance to prove to my current gf (ex) that I can be that genuine man I was at the start.

 

 

Do you think that if I back away, show her I'm getting the help and leave her to clear her head, maybe she will start to come round? Surely she would've wanted a quick resolution with regards to the house and her stuff if she was definite it was all over.

 

 

I'm hurting like hell, cannot stop thinking about her and feel this could all be repaired if I was given half a chance.

[caringsister]

Thanks guys, some really helpful comments and ideas and to be honest in the just over 2 weeks that she's been gone I haven't managed no contact for more than 2 days! It's just the coming to terms that something that was so perfect and beautiful for a while has gone so sour but I know that I can prove to my ex that I can conquer my insecurities if she gave me the chance.

 

To this day you continue contacting her after she has asked you to stop so how can she believe you have the ability or self control to change other behaviors that caused her to leave in the first place?

 

You have no respect for her boundaires and continue to violate them. If you were going to change you would respect her wishes and back off, work on yourself to address your insecurities. Your behavoir is toxic and reeks of, "I don't care what you want ... I care about what I want"

 

You are only going to push her further away each time you contact her so ... Stop it! Fact: You can't miss somebody that won't go away.

 

Give her breathing space. Work through your insecurities so you can heal from why they are there in the first place. If you don't they will rise up and cause problems in your future relationships.

 

Saying you will change and really truly changing are two different things. By the behavior you are demonstrating all you are doing by giving her unwanted contact is blatantly waving red flags in her face.

Edited April 4, 2017 by caringsister

[CC1985]

Thanks Caringsister and everyone else who has given great advice on my issue...So, tonight I went to see the therapist and I really felt it was positive. He said I must "back right off" immediately, send an email and just inform my ex in a business like email that I will not be contacting her for 3 weeks, and that I must now focus on fixing myself, getting my fitness back and my confidence.

 

As he said why on earth would my ex come running back to a blubbering, needy puddle or tears when the person she fell for was a confident, fit and healthy man. The only chance I have is by showing her I am that person again, working on myself and continuing the therapy. It's what my friends and family have been telling me since day one, but I think until you hear it from a professional you think you can work your way back with words, when all it is doing is pushing her further and wrecking any limited chance I have of reconciling.

 

It's going to be hard, especially given that I tend to wake up early every morning and immediately check my emails, pine for my ex and wonder what she's doing but as the therapist said, if I can fix myself over time then maybe in the next 3 weeks I may even feel like actually my ex isn't right for me and it will help with the whole moving on process.

 

I hope and pray that by taking action and sticking to the no contact over the next 3 weeks may make my ex realise that I am fixing myself and gaining my self esteem back and also hope that she misses me in the time apart.

 

I will continue to post on here to seek reassurance, as I know so many of you have gone through this and have come out the other side.

 

Thanks for all the support.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. But, you need to fix you FOR you and no one else. You need to start living your life as if she isn't coming back because chances are, she's not.

 

I've been reading your posts and you're filling yourself with a lot of hope. But, all I see is a lot of false hope. I don't mean to sound negative, I'm just trying to be real with you. You keep going down this course of action of fixing yourself up to have her come back to you.....then, I see a lot of pain in your future.

[klick09]

I do not know if people did not read your post entirely , but a lot of the comments state that you did a lot of harm in your relationship.

She lied to you about texts from an ex. For many people, this is a huge red flag and a lot of them would be on guard (even those without insecurities of any kind).

So, please but please, it takes two people to tango, and everyone would feel insecure after being lied to by a person they truly love and care about.

Another point, she downplays the things she said A MONTH ago. Not a year or two, but a month ago.

Stop idealizing her. You need to fix your insecurities so that they do not affect an actual good quality relationship. I do not think this was that good as it may seem now. You said it yourself that you helped her sleep better, feel better, get off her meds, and eventually you got lied to and told that everything was a lie. Sorry, but your brain chemistry is playing with you right now.

And if you cannot control yourself and stay NC, go ahead and call her, and I promise that multiple knock outs will eventually exhaust you, and you will give up (some people heal that way, and it is ok too).

[CC1985]

Thanks, I hear what you're saying and tbh I still think to myself "why couldn't my ex just block this guy or tell him to leave her be" especially knowing I already had an insecurity and a trust issue. I don't for one minute think she ever did anything behind my back, and after all she committed to jointly buying a house together and wanting her future with me.

 

 

I did as the therapist said last night and emailed her fairly formally, advising that I realised that I had dealt with the split in the wrong manner by pleading and making promises and that the only way I may be given a chance would be by proving I have changed, working to fix myself and becoming the person she initially fell for. So I said I would not contact her for 3 weeks and she replied to say "yeah that's fine, just let me know how much you want me to transfer for my share of the mortgage etc". I replied just to answer her question and thanked her for her understanding and also mentioned that I hoped she was giving me the chance to show her, as actions speak louder than words.

 

 

She had previously said she had no interest in moving on as she "wouldn't have the time" and "had felt too ill". Some of her comments initially were "how can I be sure you've changed, you can't just miraculously cure your insecurities over night". And yesterday before I started nc again I asked if it was too late and if she'd moved on and she said "You're not doing yourself any favours by asking whether I've moved on"...I don't really get this comment but it relates to last week when I asked if during her having space, were we going to remain honest to each other (she knew I meant seeing other men) and her remark was about feeling too ill to even be interested but she was glad to see my insecurity was still there.

 

 

I still feel that there is a glimmer of hope and I just played it all wrong by begging and sending hopeless emails for 2 weeks which she's never been a fan of anyways (long over the top romance), and I just feel why would she agree to 3 weeks space if she knows damn right she isn't coming back to the house we share. She's the sort of girl who doesn't hang around normally and has always been confident living on her own, so surely she would cut all ties and want a resolution to move her stuff and agree things with the house sooner rather than later. I also still wonder if her head is a mess (with work saying they are worried about her coping) and with the anti depressants rumoured to make you worse before they make you feel better, perhaps over the next 3 weeks she will start to feel better in herself and come round without me pestering her.

 

 

The trouble is, I'm 1 day into NC and it's torture. I am going to focus on work, my fitness and my son but I cannot stop thinking what if, and wondering whether she's thinking about us and our house.

[CC1985]

Hello again, if anyone has been in a similar situation to my previous comment and have managed to reconcile with their ex, it would be great to hear their story / advice.

 

 

I am 1 day into no contact and I am finding it so hard, I think because of everything we had achieved in such a short space of time. I've never felt so bad over a break up as this.

 

 

I just hope the fact my ex hasn't done anything hasty and is agreeing to a 2 week period of no contact means she is still confused in her own mind, I really do.