At What Point Should She Ask Me On A Date?

[Wishes23]

I ran into a woman I dated several years ago and she joked that I lost interest in her. We only went out on 4 dates, but I asked her out four times and felt like if she was interested in me, she should also pursue trying to see me. She never did and I stopped asking her out. When I asked her out, she would always say yes, but at what point should she be trying to see me instead of me always trying to see her?

 

I run into this frequently. I'm used to 50/50 after the first couple of dates. Usually a woman is trying to see what I am doing and asking me to do something with them or initiating that they are available.

 

I'm interested to see what most Loveshacker's experiences are.

[TheBathWater]

I personally follow the same line of thinking. I initiate the first few dates, and then the woman starts to pursue me at least a little more than I pursue them. Any time I've pursued the woman more, either she's not interested because she's just not interested, or I've scared her away by over-pursuing.

 

You said you run into this situation frequently. Do you mean that women usually go cold on you and then later tell you it's because you stopped pursuing them? If that's the case, I wonder if they're just trying to disown their own lack of interest in dating you by saying it's your fault. I've never seen a woman who is genuinely interested in a man let things go cold and NOT pursue the man simply because he wasn't contacting her enough. In my experience, once women are interested (i.e. once you've made the effort to set up the first few dates and they went really well) then they start to initiate contact and want to see you.

[d0nnivain]

Age plays a factor here. Older women were conditioned that it's wrong to be the aggressor.

 

 

That said, you lost a perfect opportunity here. When she said that if you were still interested you should have said that you stopped calling because you felt she wasn't into you because she never initiated. She may not have realized that was the problem. Communication is a two way street.

[Wishes23]

What I meant by I run into this frequently, is with passive women. Someone that is used to the other person always taking the lead. I want to avoid being interested in someone and walking away from something due to miscommunication.

[Jammer25]

There has to be some give and take, for sure. In my experience it's been around a handful of dates before I expect some reciprocity - otherwise I'm not going to stick around for "hard to get" or "passive interest" dating games. Not even necessarily in initiating plans, but in communication. I hate being the only one in a relationship reaching out to set plans, communicate/chat or just check in even. It's gotta be a two-way street.

 

There have been instances where I was even direct about it, encouraging the girl not to be afraid of asking me if I wanted to hang out/go out.

[Wishes23]

Age plays a factor here. Older women were conditioned that it's wrong to be the aggressor.

 

 

That said, you lost a perfect opportunity here. When she said that if you were still interested you should have said that you stopped calling because you felt she wasn't into you because she never initiated. She may not have realized that was the problem. Communication is a two way street.

 

When you say older women, what age are you referring to? I usually date between 28-32. I brought up this question, not so much because of an opportunity to reconnect with someone from my past, as much as it is avoiding the same situation in the future. I've found myself in the same situation.

 

She pursued me initially. We've already had sex. I know she likes me but I'm the one always asking her out and initiating phone calls. She'll occasionally text first, but never call and never ask me to do anything.

 

If I don't call I get the "is everything ok?" text as if something is wrong because I'm not initiating.

[basil67]

Is she showing physical affection? Or do you feel more like a mate who's buying her meals?

[Wishes23]

There have been instances where I was even direct about it, encouraging the girl not to be afraid of asking me if I wanted to hang out/go out.

 

Did this work? I hate having to ask someone to initiate more before even being in a relationship. I've told someone that I need more from someone if this is going to go anywhere but I hate doing that.

[Wishes23]

Is she showing physical affection? Or do you feel more like a mate who's buying her meals?

 

Physically she's always holding my hand, hugging me, cuddling with me on the couch. She's definitely an affectionate person.

[Jammer25]

Did this work? I hate having to ask someone to initiate more before even being in a relationship. I've told someone that I need more from someone if this is going to go anywhere but I hate doing that.

 

Surprisingly, yes it has worked. But if you try it, do it in a playful way. (It's not like I commanded her to initiate, far from it.) Tease her about not inviting you to help her with XYZ project or purchase or workout or whatever it may be, and I've found that the woman usually was more at ease with asking to do things with me.

[Chris2016]

I ran into a woman I dated several years ago and she joked that I lost interest in her. We only went out on 4 dates, but I asked her out four times and felt like if she was interested in me, she should also pursue trying to see me. She never did and I stopped asking her out. When I asked her out, she would always say yes, but at what point should she be trying to see me instead of me always trying to see her?

 

I run into this frequently. I'm used to 50/50 after the first couple of dates. Usually a woman is trying to see what I am doing and asking me to do something with them or initiating that they are available.

 

I'm interested to see what most Loveshacker's experiences are.

 

Age plays a factor here. Older women were conditioned that it's wrong to be the aggressor.

 

 

That said, you lost a perfect opportunity here. When she said that if you were still interested you should have said that you stopped calling because you felt she wasn't into you because she never initiated. She may not have realized that was the problem. Communication is a two way street.

 

She lost a perfect opportunity also, several years ago, to joke or communicate to him that she thought he lost interest in her. But it took her several years later to do that? When they ran into each other? During those years she couldn't reach out to him? Communication is indeed a two way street.

 

Not sure how much age relates. I would think that the older women (presumably more experienced in dating/relationship) communicate better with regard to dating/relating, then the younger women (presumably less experienced in dating/relationship).

 

However, I do agree that we are responsible for communicating what we want, or what we don't want. I think the more we practice it, the better we become at it.

[preraph]

Look, conventional wisdom is women let the man ask them out for the most part. Some women are NEVER going to ask you out and there is nothing wrong with that. Now once you are an item and seeing each other for awhile, it is best to start asking them "What do you want to do? Think about it and let me know." This kind of frees even the most conventional or timid up to start helping make plans.

 

I'm old, but my way was always I knew what I wanted to do, so I just made my own plans and stayed busy, but I didn't usually ask a guy I was dating out. I would instead mention a concert or something like that and see if they brought up going together or not. But I'm very decisive and on my own, did my own thing. I was, like most people, somewhat insecure, so whether he kept asking me out was a way to gauge if he was still interested. And realize this was not when we were exclusive. This is just dating.

 

If she accepts your invitations, she is interested. If not, she isn't. If you are feeling it in your wallet, then just ask her for a picnic in the park and "Why don't we both bring something?"