No trust to see friends

[SpoonsJ]

We have a problem. I get grief every time I want to go see some friends because my gf is terrified that a certain someone is going to be there. My friend, nick I have known since childhood yet my gf and him do not get along. He got me plastered on my birthday and as a result I said some bad things to my girlfriend. I was ashamed and apologised sincerely, we are over that now however whenever I want to go to an event he may be connected to she is deeply concerned. Not just because he got me plastered but he encouraged another female ex friend of mine to be overly touchy feely towards me to make my girlfriend feel uncomfortable. Hence why she is an ex friend however I havnt addressed that with nick. There is no evidence only my girlfriends words. My girlfriend worries intensely every time nick may be around and now she has given me an ultimatum that I need to prove to her she can trust me around him or she is moving out and ending the relationship. I also cannot go and see any friends where here may be a connection to my ex female friend ( I told her where to go once I found out she was purposely making my GF uncomfortable) or any of my ex girlfriends. how can I prove to her that I am sincere and I will not re kindle my friendship with nick?

[smackie9]

Too late...because you haven't even lifted a damn finger to address the situation at all with Nick since then so how can she trust you? This proves to her that you have no back bone, so you are easily influenced....she not only doesn't trust Nick, she doesn't trust you either. The only thing you can really do is find some new friends, and carry on with other friends that don't have much connection with NICK. Either that or find a new GF. I don't think you are in any position to be "convincing" her that nothing will happen.

[SpoonsJ]

How can I address it with nick when there was no evidence? I spoke to him about the time he got me plastered he reassured my girlfriend and we moved on. His friendship meant a lot to me but not now. I have consistently been standing by my girlfriend. But yes easily influenced were the words here.

[smackie9]

I told you you are pretty much too late to address this with NIck....that time has passed. You need to talk to your GF and ask her how much time has to pass before she can trust YOU again now that you and Nick really don't have much to do with each other anymore. Also explain to her that her insecurity is preventing you from socializing with innocent people who have nothing to do with the incident. Ask her how is that fair? There has to be some kind of compromise.

[d0nnivain]

Your GF's blame is misplaced. Nick didn't "Get you plastered". You drank the drinks & you said nasty things to your GF. Nick didn't do that.

 

 

In her shoes, it I knew Nick would be around, I'd be sure to be right next to you. I may have some reservations about you spending time with him without me because you don't have any self control & he's enabling your bad behavior. But you & she have to stop thinking this is Nick's fault.

 

 

If you are trying to go hang out with the boys without your GF, I can see why she is not thrilled. Still if you are serious about reforming your ways, you may have earned one more chance -- meaning you go out with them but return sober. That should ease her fears. If you go out with them & come back in the same shape as last time --being mean to her -- she has every right to walk.

[preraph]

Are you afraid of Nick or something? Obviously, he's like to get you to cheat so your relationship will fail with your girlfriend. That is not something to ignore. That's disrespectful to you and your girlfriend and I can think of NO reason why she would want you to have contact with him, especially since YOU have not chewed his butt out for it AND because you apparently went right along with it to a point.

 

So you have done nothing whatever to make her trust you or him. If you want her to loosen up, go deal with Nick and tell him NEVER to do that again and to kick you if he sees you going there on your own. If he doesn't respect your relationship, why would you want to be around him? Do you like him better than her?

 

I don't believe in bfs or gfs banning their mate from friends, but that only applies when the friend isn't actively trying to mess up the relationship and come between you! And trust me Nick knows exactly what he was doing, so don't act like he did nothing intentional.

 

Man up or lose her.

[SpoonsJ]

I think the insecurity with nick on the plastering side of things lay with wether or not he would look after me if anything were to happen on a night out, there is no trust there. True it was me who drank and became an arse and I accepted responsibility for that. Thank you for your responses.

[SpoonsJ]

Afraid of nick? No. Afraid of losing lifelong friends for the sake of a relationship which may well run its course in a year or two? Yes. Nicks friendship is still salvageable- he has done a lot of good things for me in the past however where my GF is concerned he has been a bad friend. Looks like I need to make a decision. Again, thanks for your responses.

[d0nnivain]

. Looks like I need to make a decision.

 

 

I don't think it's a choice between your GF & Nick. I think it's a matter of you acting in a way that your GF can trust you around Nick, alcohol, other women & in any situation. The choice is about how you will conduct yourself in all situations going forward.

[act00]

Your girlfriend should be dumping YOU, because you clearly have no self-control and want to pass blame on Nick for your piss-poor choices, but she is not wrong for worrying about Nick as well. He sounds like a bad friend.

 

He didn't get you plastered. YOU got plastered because you can't say no and control yourself.

 

Nick is no angel, and what kind of friend pressures someone to drink excessively and then pressures an ex-girlfriend to make sexual advances towards you, knowing you have a girlfriend? This ex-girlfriend gets no trophies either for seducing an inebriated man who has a girlfriend.

 

You don't have good friends. That's just crappy behavior. I'm on your girlfriend's side on this one. You obviously can't control yourself in Nick's presence, and he encourages it. She should be dumping you because you have no self-control and your friends are vindictive and cruel.

[smackie9]

Afraid of nick? No. Afraid of losing lifelong friends for the sake of a relationship which may well run its course in a year or two? Yes. Nicks friendship is still salvageable- he has done a lot of good things for me in the past however where my GF is concerned he has been a bad friend. Looks like I need to make a decision. Again, thanks for your responses.

Sounds to me your patience is wearing thin with your GF...and this thing with Nick is just a small portion of the trust issues your GF has with you. Insecurity=controlling/abusive behavior. It sucks that it has to come to this....but this is why we date...to find out if they are compatible and they fit into our lives, and that means with friends and family as well. Best of luck to you in your decision.

[kendahke]

Afraid of nick? No. Afraid of losing lifelong friends for the sake of a relationship which may well run its course in a year or two? Yes

 

Well, then, the answer to this question:

how can I prove to her that I am sincere and I will not re kindle my friendship with nick?

 

...is clear. Your girlfriend is on the short track, so you might as well dump her sooner than later. After that, work on your drinking to excess issue. Nick didn't make you do that.

[rose101]

sorry but i really think you're bang out of order here! How on earth do you expect a person to trust you when you've clearly given no remorse or empathy or what seems like any effort to resolve this?

 

If i was your girlfriend i'd of ended the relationship when this Nick was first horrible if you didn't stand by me. Your girlfriend obviously has a lot of tolerance for you for some reason. Also you should NEVER speak to down to a person who is meant to mean a lot to you.

 

By not addressing this situation straight away and you're saying you only have your girlfriends word for it says to me you have absolutely no respect for the poor girl. Does she say that to you? because if she does she's right.

 

If you want to keep her, i would personally be showing her all the affection and reassurance you can. First thing tell that Nick to get off his high horse, he's meant to be a friend but encouraging some other girl to come onto you? Sorry sunshine but wake up, he's a fool and has no respect for YOU or your girlfriend.

 

If your girlfriend decides to stay with you, well you're a lucky man and should do everything in your will power to keep her. Friends come and go is the old saying, if she's putting up with your nonsense now and seeing through what you're like then i take my hat off to her.

 

advise - grow some balls and tell that Nick to do one. Secondly if you've not done already tell your girlfriend how much you love her and you want this to work otherwise you'll be on your own pal.

[rose101]

Afraid of nick? No. Afraid of losing lifelong friends for the sake of a relationship which may well run its course in a year or two? Yes. Nicks friendship is still salvageable- he has done a lot of good things for me in the past however where my GF is concerned he has been a bad friend. Looks like I need to make a decision. Again, thanks for your responses.

 

i've just seen this...Nicks friendship is salvageable?? oh dear. I think your girlfriend deserves better. Seems like you and Nick are made of the same stuff..Rubbish!

[kendahke]

In the future, if your friends are really that important to you, then you need to make that abundantly clear and without question or confusion to whomever it is you date. She needs to know that you will not dump any of your friends no matter how she feels about them--it will be up to her to decide whether it's worth it to stick around or bounce.

[todreaminblue]

i dotn think you can blame nick......why should he look after you ..... you drink...you choose to drink you know how you might get ...so dont drink.......and then you can trust nick ..because you actually can trust yourself...and your girlfriend...is showing concern about the wrong person...

 

 

its not nick she is really concerned about she is projecting her distrust of you on to ....nick......in my opinion..she doesnt trust you to look after yourself so therefore needs ...nick.....to bear the brunt of responsibility...i am by the way not saying nick is right in doing what he has done ..but nick isnt typing here you are so i am addressing you.....

 

 

its not nicks responsiboility to look after you ..you are old enough to drink...which means when you do ...you are an adulttwho needs to own his own actions or lack therof...my lack fo sayin gno......to guys who crack onto me or grope me...is that theri fault or mine.....same scenario....it is my responsibility to say no and fight for my right to be heard,....if i dont fight...my fault.even if i am frozen ....which si what happens all that comes out is ...naaahhhhhhh or i try to move their hands .......how i handle gropers...is i dont date them twice.......first time i allow basically by not saying no .clearly with emphasis...but....i give myself ...a littl eslack ...for the freeze thing.......and I kick myself later......and its...no next time...and i dont drink at all by the way.....by choice...for protection of my body heart and mind.....i dont drink..........deb

Edited April 4, 2017 by todreaminblue