When does it become creepy or harrassing.

[theflan]

I'm a 50-year-old male that sucks at dating or asking a woman out. I choke even when it is obvious the woman likes me. I know it's an issue with esteem but I want to know when pursuing a woman becomes creepy. I seem to fall into this pattern all of the time.

 

I had to visit this woman every 2 weeks for 3 months. I Valentin's day she gave a clear sign she was interested and I failed to act on it. The next visit it was obvious she was trying to avoid me but still gave me one more opening and I choked.

 

Later that day I sent her a lame message on FB. I know her name and just searched her. (first, mistake as it may have freaked her out. I am always online for my work looking at social networks so I wouldn't be freaked if I got a message from someone I was familiar with), that was a month ago. I, of course, did not hear back from her.

 

I don't have to go back for a visit for at least 3 months. A week ago I sent her flowers and did not hear back. I just mentioned getting together to do an activity we both had in common.

 

I know it hurt her when I didn't act, I'm wondering when it becomes harassing to contact her again. I've written a short message I had plans to send on FB to apologize.

 

In the future I will run into her again, should I just let it go, send the apology or wait to see her again. If I had any balls I would just do things face to face.

 

Any thoughts?

[Rabbitman]

Had the same thing happen to me, though I'm half your age. If I could go back in time I'd probably give some distance and ask her out again in person to grab a coffee. I tried the message(letter) thing and it just came off as creepy/desperate in my opinion. Depends what you say I guess. Also implying she seemed cool with a date didn't help.

 

Also I'm curious what kinda sign she gave? You can read my post from a few days ago if you want to hear about my situation.

Edited April 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove full quote of starting post

[Erik30]

Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong. She seems to be ignoring you, so for whatever reason she's not interested. (Anymore) Let it go and don't message her again. If you see her, just be nice and act like nothing happened. Also next time, don't send a woman you like flowers, it's too much if you're not even dating.

 

When you're tempted to contact her, maybe think about how she never thanked you for those flowers

Edited April 2, 2017 by Erik30

[act00]

I don't understand what you're saying here: "I had to visit this woman every 2 weeks for 3 months." You HAD to visit this woman? Why was visiting this woman a requirement? Are you hitting on a client or a patient?? I'm not clear why you HAD to visit this woman?

 

Were you dating this woman every other week for three months? You dropped the ball, you attempted to recover, and she's not interested anymore?

 

I don't understand "had to".

 

I think your contact with this woman has reached its limit. The answer now is STOP.

 

-She showed interest in something romantically around Valentine's Day and you admittedly failed to follow through. She actively avoided you. You state she gave you a "signal" that she was still open to going out with you, but I question that she did give a signal because I don't think you recognize boundaries.

-You didn't approach her or follow through at that point, when she was open to a second chance. Instead, you stalked her Facebook page, you are not a Facebook friend, and messaged her there. This is a person you have been visiting for 3 months, every other week. Why didn't you just call her or talk to her in person?

-You sent flowers after no response from Facebooking her. No response.

 

It's over now. Since there is a chance you will see her again in a public setting, you should just be pleasant, say hello, general banter with the group, but don't bring up dating or plan on pursuing her again.

[preraph]

A lot of us miss opportunities until it's awkwardly late. But there is a rule you have to stick to in order to not set off red flags and make women run and wonder if you're creepy, and that is once you contact them (or send flowers) and don't hear back, don't pursue them anymore. That's a no. Maybe she was just riproaring drunk on V Day and said something she didn't mean. You can think of excuses why she didn't respond, but don't. Just remember, if she had a good excuse but was still interested, she certainly knows where to find you should her situation change.

[theflan]

On Valentine's day, I brought up something we talked about on the last visit. She lit up when I mentioned it and said, "Hmm, you remember that." The appointment was ending and she asked a question that seemed intended to extend things. I looked up at her and answered the question and started to look away. I noticed she was still looking down at me. I turned back and looked into her eyes and we held the look for a few moments and we both started smiling. The appt was over and hour long and we had other moments throughout. I know that is not a great description of how it went down but I very unassuming. If I say a woman is flirting with me she likely is. I don't I'm not the type of person to think because a woman is being nice to me she is flirting.

[theflan]

It was for a minor medical procedure and she was the nurse. It was in the office. I just had to go back every 2 weeks for 3 months. It wasn't any crazy health issue that would turn her off. I will need to go back again in 3 or 6 months for follow up.

[elaine567]

I had to visit this woman every 2 weeks for 3 months...The appointment was ending and she asked a question that seemed intended to extend things. I looked up at her and answered the question and started to look away. I noticed she was still looking down at me. I turned back and looked into her eyes and we held the look for a few moments and we both started smiling. The appt was over and hour long and we had other moments throughout. I know that is not a great description of how it went down but I very unassuming. If I say a woman is flirting with me she likely is. I don't I'm not the type of person to think because a woman is being nice to me she is flirting.

 

What sort of an "appointment" was this?

 

If either of you is a professional then it may be highly inappropriate for you two to date.

[theflan]

She was the nurse and I was the patience. I thought about your point but if we did start dating and had to return, other nurses could do the procedure and I would just go on a day she wasn't working.I could also go to a different location altogether.

[act00]

I wonder if you're mixing up professional rapport with flirtation. You looked up her Facebook page and wrote to her - no response. Sent her flowers - no response. She may not wish to cross that line with professional-patient relations. You say you're adept at recognizing flirtation and attraction, but you're floundering on boundaries, and you're pursuing this after recognizing she actively avoided you, so I don't think you recognize anything other than a pretty woman who is being nice to you, and this is her job.

 

If you really think something is there, ask her out in person when you're finished with your treatments. She is going to run into professional ramifications by fraternizing with a patient, so this has to wait until you are no longer a patient.

[JuneL]

OP: Sorry to sound discouraging, but guys who are a little socially awkward (your self description) often mistook a woman's being nice to mean her romantic interest. You shouldn't have sent her flowers after getting no response from the fb message. I hope that you sent the flowers to show your appreciation for her care, instead of as a romantic gesture. It's really over the top to do this, if not creepy, at this stage.

 

Maybe when you see her in person next time, you can explain that the flowers were meant to thank her for her care. Depending on her response and your interaction, you can offer to take her to lunch to thank her when you are not her patient anymore.

[Redhead14]

Nurses, bartenders and other workers who work with the public are expected to be nice to their patrons/clients . . . and there might be an office policy that precludes her from dating patients.

 

After the stuff you've done so far, do not pursue her anymore.

[JuneL]

A week ago I sent her flowers and did not hear back. I just mentioned getting together to do an activity we both had in common.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Did you mention getting together as a note with the flowers when you sent them? If so, your romantic gesture is loud and clear. And did you leave your contact info?? Anyway, even if she's interested romantically (which I doubt), it may be unethical for her to date a patient.

[JuneL]

Nurses, bartenders and other workers who work with the public are expected to be nice to their patrons/clients . . . and there might be an office policy that precludes her from dating patients.

 

After the stuff you've done so far, do not pursue her anymore.

 

Right, and add to the list doctors, dentists, teachers, personal trainers (and what else??), as evident by the threads here

[theflan]

he card with the flowers thanked her, yes. Then I just asked if we could keep in touch and do some fitness activities together and that I enjoyed talking with her along with my phone number. and At first glance I didn't find her attractive it was only after talking with her I became attracted to her.

 

I'm in decent shape for being 50 and she just kept coming back to that.(she's 53) and in decent shape as well. In the first 5 minutes she brought it up twice.She explained I would not want to do any heavy activity like go to the gym after the procedure . I was just listening to her instructions. She came back 30 seconds later and said in the questioning tone " so you don't want to go to the gym?" I was like, is asking if I go to a gym? Later she outright asked, "how do you keep so fit?" I said the gym. What gym do you go to? she asked We talked about that. She was starting with a personal trainer the next day. She ends the first visit by saying we should have a fitness challenge since I would be coming back every 2 weeks. which I was a great idea.

 

I am socially awkward and always assume woman are just being nice but this was different.

[d0nnivain]

TheFlan

 

 

Here are some guidelines to help you figure out when & how to approach. Context is key.

 

 

1. Women who are providing a service to you -- nursing care, sales, food service, bartender etc. -- are NOT interested in being asked out. They are paid to be nice to you. If a woman in that setting wants to be pursued, she will make a clear unambiguous first move by giving you her phone number with instructions to call her or asking you out. Anything else is just part of her job & not to be taken seriously by you. When you searched for your nurse on social media & really when you sent her flowers you crossed a huge line. Both were sweet gestures but the context was so wrong the behavior was problematic.

 

 

2. Personal interaction is best before you reach out through social media. School boys can send a message 1st but grown men can't, except on a dating site. You can search & look but not comment or offer a friend request. If you really can't resist, use linked in, a business connector, not a social site.

 

 

3. Get a # or contact info in person. Until you are given that info you do not have permission to pursue. You can still flirt & work for it in person but not in any other way.

 

 

4. Don't send flowers or anything else until after an actual date, & preferably after you have kissed the person. Showing up for a date with a small bouquet or one flower (not a red rose) is OK, but right on the edge of too much.

 

 

5. When in doubt ask here before you act.

 

 

Best wishes. Your heart seems in the right place so don't let us jade you. Simply pick your situations more appropriately.

[SevenCity]

First, never buy a woman flowers who is not your girlfriend. No gifts of any kind unless you are committed - or she is your grandmother.

 

For one, it sets a precedent. Also, it comes across as desperate and needy like you are trying to buy her affections because you are not good enough.

 

Seemed like you had a good rapport. The correct thing to do would be to ask her out on a real date. Stalking her via FB is creepy. You have to get her number / contact info by asking her. Otherwise, it's stalkerish behavior. Something as simple as "I'd love to take you out for a drink, when are you free to get together?"

 

I recall a girl many years ago at work. I found her attractive. I had received a check from the government out of the blue due to some tax refund issue years prior. She was all "Oh we should go to lunch!" Not sure if she was being friendly I said "How about we go to dinner instead?" She backed off her offer as I made my intentions clear. I knew she was only being friendly and did not waste anymore time.

 

I would suggest reading Corey Wayne's book as it covers a lot of these basics.

[theflan]

I bought the flowers because I had no way of just walking back in to the location and ask her and I wouldn't be back for atleast 3 months. . When I bought the flowers I told them I just wanted something nice and not over the top. Did wanna trip her out. The first FB was the real bad move!

 

Thanks for the feedback folks. I will not send the message and just say "Hi" if I see her again. I was in panic mode when I sent her the Facebook message. I thought long and hard before clicking send but I did it anyway. I should have asked here first if that was a good idea. I think that killed any chance, plus the message was pretty lame anyway.

 

I should have waited, at that time I sent the FB message I had one more visit to go. Even if she was mad about V'day I could have asked her then. That was my original plan so as to not make things weird during the remaining visits. I just tried to show interest thru out to get to that point. Should have stuck to the plan. Now I just made it creepy. Ugh, I'm a creepy guy. lol Lesson learned.Because I am a bit socially awkward I go out of my way not to make woman feel uncomfortable. Now I can only hope this woman is not freaked out.

 

 

Chatting on here has really helped. I was obsessing about this and you all have walked me back from making another creepy move. lol

Feelin better already about this, time to move on.

 

I know I'm a bit older than most of you folks so you may not relate to dating after 50 but I appreciate the honest feedback. I will visit again in the future when I need dating advice because I do!!!!

[theflan]

Thanks for the feedback folks. I will not send the message and just say "Hi" if I see her again. I was in panic mode when I sent her the Facebook message. I thought long and hard before clicking send but I did it anyway. I should have asked here first if that was a good idea. I think that killed any chance, plus the message was pretty lame anyway.

 

I should have waited, at that time I sent the FB message I had one more visit to go. Even if she was mad about V'day I could have asked her then. That was my original plan so as to not make things weird during the remaining visits. I just tried to show interest thru out to get to that point. Should have stuck to the plan. Now I just made it creepy. Ugh, I'm a creepy guy, that sucks. Lesson learned.

Since I'm a bit socially awkward I go out of my way not to make woman feel uncomfortable. I feel aweful that this woman maybe freaked out about this.

 

 

Chatting on here has really helped. I was obsessing about this and you all have walked me back from making another creepy move. lol

Feelin better already about this, time to move on.

 

I know I'm a bit older than most of you folks so you may not relate to dating after 50 but I appreciate the honest feedback. I will visit again in the future when I need dating advice.

[d0nnivain]

There are people of all ages on here.

 

 

Dating has changed a LOT & it is harder when you aren't 20 anymore.

 

 

LS is here when you need it. Best wishes.

[preraph]

On Valentine's day, I brought up something we talked about on the last visit. She lit up when I mentioned it and said, "Hmm, you remember that." The appointment was ending and she asked a question that seemed intended to extend things. I looked up at her and answered the question and started to look away. I noticed she was still looking down at me. I turned back and looked into her eyes and we held the look for a few moments and we both started smiling. The appt was over and hour long and we had other moments throughout. I know that is not a great description of how it went down but I very unassuming. If I say a woman is flirting with me she likely is. I don't I'm not the type of person to think because a woman is being nice to me she is flirting.

 

As a man, you must understand that there can be attraction without acting upon it, for a variety of reasons. Respect her decision.

[act00]

I think sending flowers is a nice gesture. I disagree that they should not be sent to people who are not your girlfriend (other family/friend situations).

 

I landed myself a long-term relationship because the guy sent me flowers, and I called to thank him, and obviously I was interested in more. My mother had a long-term relationship over the flower delivery. She was open to dating this man, so she called. Having flowers delivered is not a bad thing, but it carries risk in that the recipient is not necessarily interested, and it can be creepy, depending on the circumstances, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to do, and well-received.

 

I don't see sending flowers as a desperate act at all.

[d0nnivain]

I don't see sending flowers as a desperate act at all.

 

 

As a woman, I agree with you that I like receiving flowers. I see getting them as a nice, sort of old school, romantic gesture.

 

 

However, you & I are in the minority. Most woman see flowers before a date as a BAD thing. Playing the percentages, a man shouldn't jeopardize the potential by sending flowers too early to a woman who does not like them. Better to establish some connection first.

 

 

My husband sent me flowers about 5 weeks in; I was thrilled.

 

 

Having read these boards for so long, if I were ever single again, knowing flowers before the date is so outside the norm, I would not be suspicious about a man who made such a gesture.

[SevenCity]

As a woman, I agree with you that I like receiving flowers. I see getting them as a nice, sort of old school, romantic gesture.

 

 

However, you & I are in the minority. Most woman see flowers before a date as a BAD thing. Playing the percentages, a man shouldn't jeopardize the potential by sending flowers too early to a woman who does not like them. Better to establish some connection first.

 

 

My husband sent me flowers about 5 weeks in; I was thrilled.

 

 

Having read these boards for so long, if I were ever single again, knowing flowers before the date is so outside the norm, I would not be suspicious about a man who made such a gesture.

 

Long gone are the days of courting bringing flowers and chocolates to a woman. I agree for the baby boomer generation it may be more acceptable.

 

However, this guy sent flowers to a girl he didn't even have a date with. That is usually a really bad idea.

[OatsAndHall]

I think sending flowers is a nice gesture. I disagree that they should not be sent to people who are not your girlfriend (other family/friend situations).

 

I landed myself a long-term relationship because the guy sent me flowers, and I called to thank him, and obviously I was interested in more. My mother had a long-term relationship over the flower delivery. She was open to dating this man, so she called. Having flowers delivered is not a bad thing, but it carries risk in that the recipient is not necessarily interested, and it can be creepy, depending on the circumstances, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to do, and well-received.

 

I don't see sending flowers as a desperate act at all.

 

Oh how the times have changed... I sent flowers to women I was interested in when I was younger all the time and was treated like quite the Lothario for it.

 

I sent flowers to a woman after two fun dates and I was "rushing things too much".. Maybe I should have just texted pictures or emojis of flowers... That seems to be socially acceptable now.