dragonfire13 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I've found myself ending a lot of romantic situations based on what I view as deal breakers (e.g. lack of maturity, uncertainty of the relationship status etc.) I recognise I don't have a lot of patience and perhaps do need to learn to compromise, but then I think a relationship, if anything, should be a nice addition to your life, not another cause of stress or irritation. Hence why I break things off. Also, time's not stopping for anyone so I'd rather not waste my time with someone who's not right for me or in a dead-end relationship. However, I seem to be the only one with the mentality. All of my friends who are in longterm relationships or have settled down will confide in me about their relationship woes, and when they do, I just think there's no way I'd ever get involved with someone who treats me like that. But then what's the alternative? Walking away, like I do, but being alone with no-one to go on dates or share that romantic connection with? At least until you meet someone else...and there are no guarantees. I'm just wondering if my unwillingness to accept someone's flaws means I'm destined for the eternal single life. Should I just call it a day and embrace the cat-lady life? And just be clear, I'm not talking about "flaws" in the superficial sense - I get to know a guy before I get involved romantically, and have dated all sorts of guys from different walks of life, ranging in looks, backgrounds, attitudes etc. It all ends the same - me wondering what the hell I was thinking even going there, and relieved to be out of that romantic situation.
spiderowl Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) I completely understand where you are coming from. Of course we all have flaws; it's not just guys who do Ironically I think that sometimes when there is conflict in a relationship it can be something that strengthens the bond. The crucial thing is why the conflict arose. The underlying feelings matter. Was it because you are fundamentally incompatible or because one or the other was feeling insecure about something? The person feeling insecure is obviously invested - a good sign. If both can be reassured at times of conflict that they are still loved and wanted, then a relationship has chance to grow. If one or the other feels less and less reassured following conflicts, then eventually they will opt out. If it is a positive kind of conflict, you disagree, maybe get frustrated with each other, and then come to an understanding and subsequently feel more secure together. Your relationship can weather a storm. When people are in conflict, to a certain extent they are testing each other out. How far can I go with this person? What will they put up with? Conflict might show that neither will give way easily, but if you both eventually work round that and come to an agreement then each can retain their pride intact whilst knowing that both are willing to work to maintain an underlying relationship rather than just give up on it. Reinforcing personal boundaries whilst reassuring the person you love them can be a positive thing. I suppose what I am saying is that conflict can be the start of a process of increasing intimacy and if you opt out when there is any conflict, you are never getting to that point of mutual understanding and security. Edited April 2, 2017 by spiderowl 1
Author dragonfire13 Posted April 16, 2017 Author Posted April 16, 2017 Thanks for the replies - I agree conflict is normal and natural in a budding relationship when you're still getting to know each other. I guess when conflict becomes dealbreakers, it leaves you wondering if you threw in the towel too soon. Also agree that when friends confide in you about stuff that's going on in their relationship, you're getting a one-sided account. However, as I mentioned some of the things they put up with, I wouldn't be able to. For example, a friend's boyfriend lent her 20p...and for the next few days he hounded her until she paid him back. I try not to judge but I know I defo wouldn't be able to stay with a guy like that...which is probably why I'm still single.
Whisky1981 Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Sorry, but nobody is perfect. Perfection just dosen't exist in nature so it's futile to search for it. It is all about compromises. If you want someone in your life you will need to adapt to him as he will need to adapt to you. The only thing is that the good has to outweight the bad. Long term "family meaning" relationship is a very hard thing to achive. You need to learn how to take a hit every now and then. Then again you are free to live your life as you want to. And if you want to be alone that's your decision.
d0nnivain Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 I've found myself ending a lot of romantic situations based on what I view as deal breakers (e.g. lack of maturity, uncertainty of the relationship status etc.) It all ends the same - me wondering what the hell I was thinking even going there, and relieved to be out of that romantic situation. Patience is the right answer. I'm not saying you have to stay with somebody who exhibits genuine deal breakers -- addiction, violence, lying, cheating etc. -- but the two you mentioned, immaturity & uncertainty, are things that change over time. Depending on how old you are, people grow out of immaturity. Granted if the person is 30+ probably not but for a younger person, the passage of time will correct the problem. Similarly, there's no reason to panic at the first sign of doubt. Certainty about a relationship is not linear. People have cold feet sometimes, even right before a wedding. No relationship is perfect. I'm sure my husband wishes I didn't suffer from depression & that I was a better housekeeper. If he complained to you about those things, would you tell him to dump me because I'm sad & messy & even more messy when I'm particularly depressed? I wish he had a higher sex drive. Since everything else is good, most of the time I'm willing to dial my desires back. It's a choice. You seem to be seeking perfection. It doesn't exist & the more you are unwilling to compromise, the less likely that you will find a partner. 3
somanymistakes Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Nobody's perfect. But it's not bad to have standards either. Still, you can expect that it's going to take you longer to find the right fit if you're really picky. That's not bad that's just the natural consequence. Also - do you actually want a fulltime partner, or would you be happier in more distant relationships?
Chilli Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 a few things from where l stand. For one , it sounds like you date just anyone or how could you have dated so man people of all kinds as you say. Wait for somebody special for a start, somebody you really like , like things about them , someone your into. But people like that only come along now and then - not just anyone. And when you meet somebody like that and start seeing them , realize that it's not gonna be perfect , neither and they and neither are you. If you really liking each other there will always be things but with the right person you work on those things. Some you have to except but some are things you might have to make allowances for with each other and some changes. It all takes time but if your into each other you keep at it. Believe me there will always be things , even if you are head over heals ecstatic for each ohter. They will start to come out. You never get everything your own way in life though unless you wanna spend it alone.
preraph Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Look, everybody is different what they can tolerate. Just because your friends think it's worth it to always have to compromise or have disagreements with their mate because they need a person to wake up next to or are just that lonely of a person, doesn't mean you have to be that way. I have looked at all but one of my old friends' mates and you couldn't pay me to entertain any of them for even a week, much less live with them and put up with their crap. But like one friend is needy. She has abandonment issues from her dad. She doesn't like to be alone at all. Now, I still am positive she could find a much better man than the one she had kids with because he has only one good quality, and that is a steady job, but she is who she is, and I guess the discord seems familiar to her or the martyrdom or something. There are those who are happy on their own and real self-contained and they probably aren't going to be happy letting someone come in and put a beer light on the wall or with someone waking them up in the morning or clamming up instead of communicating so they can get their way. There are those who can say, I can do this better on my own, and there are those who can never fill the lonely void except by staying busy and having people underfoot. Don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to. Long term takes compromise. You might get lucky and find someone who meshes well with you, as we all hope, but that is rare. Usually it ends up one person doing most of the compromising because they're the most desperate to stay in a relationship or are dependent some way. It's all up to you to be how you are the happiest. I don't see the point of staying in a relationship that isn't mostly happy.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 And just be clear, I'm not talking about "flaws" in the superficial sense - I get to know a guy before I get involved romantically, and have dated all sorts of guys from different walks of life, ranging in looks, backgrounds, attitudes etc. It all ends the same - me wondering what the hell I was thinking even going there, and relieved to be out of that romantic situation. I think it comes down, dragonfire 13, to how you feel about yourself. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and at peace with your own faults before you can be accepting of someone else's. There's a certain humble grace to centered people that facilities relationships whether familial, friend or romantic partner. You're only in charge of you, that's where I'd start ... Mr. Lucky 1
Els Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) It's hard to tell whether you're nitpicking on minor issues or whether all your Rs were genuine bullets dodged. None of us know all the pertinent issues, and even if we did, it would depend on your point of view and priorities. I almost can't believe it, but I agreed with TWO of enigma's posts today. Don't judge your friends' Rs based solely on what they vent about, because when people are venting they tend to focus on the negative. Unless the R contains either abuse or cheating, it's usually worth considering the big picture and deciding if the flaws are worth staying with. It's okay to decide "no", but it's also okay to decide "yes". I think if you took ANY happy LTR and dissected out ALL the negatives and put them all side by side without giving any consideration to the positives, you could make almost anything sound bad. This is because when people have been at something for a long time, mistakes can be made and people can do ****ty things. The more time passes, the more of those things happen. Just like how you could take Warren Buffett or Elon Musk and list down all the bad business decisions they made over their lifetimes without mentioning any of the good ones - they'd sound like total idiots if you did that. Doesn't change the fact that they're amazing businessmen. Edited April 18, 2017 by Elswyth
spiderowl Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 Thinking further about this and conflict in relationships, there are people I would have been prepared to 'work with' to resolve a conflict because I liked them so much and because I felt there was a strong bond which we both wanted. Then there are others where I would just not bother. I would not try to resolve a conflict where I felt the other did not really want to as well. If I felt we were both struggling and both wanted to fix it, that would be different to one where neither felt they cared enough to bother.
Author dragonfire13 Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 a few things from where l stand. For one , it sounds like you date just anyone or how could you have dated so man people of all kinds as you say. Erm it's called dating a variety of people - what I meant was that I don't just go for a particular "type" of guy, i.e. the bad boy, expecting different results. I certainly don't say yes to every guy who asks me out unless there is something in him I find attractive, and it has to be more than on a superficial level. Aside for that comment, thank you all for your replies. Some food for thought for sure.
Chilli Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Your still not using your picker. But eh , whatever.
ChatroomHero Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 For example, a friend's boyfriend lent her 20p...and for the next few days he hounded her until she paid him back. I try not to judge but I know I defo wouldn't be able to stay with a guy like that...which is probably why I'm still single. But do you know, has she borrowed money 8 times in the last 2 months and never paid him back? Did she borrow the money for what she needed and the next day went out and bought a new pair of shoes instead of paying him back? did he lend the money and say he needed it back by Wednesday for sure because he has to pay his electric bill? You don't really know. You friend might be venting but also know she is wrong and often screws her boyfriend over on money, that is why it is not a deal breaker for her. I'd imagine if you find yourself less than forgiving in a relationship for minor things like that, you probably are not being completely honest about your own faults. Like you would break up because a guy wanted his money back, but that would partially be you not owning up to not paying him back when you should. It sounds like you might just be a little too self-righteous and do not realize that as much as you think you would have to put up with in a relationship, your partner would be putting up with the same amount with you. When you realize that, it's easier to let things go and accept quirks and annoyances you might not otherwise accept.
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