johan Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I'm not sure whether I'm venting or obsessing or what. Here goes... Girlfriend and I have been doing real well for a couple months. Like we fit together. I've been proud and feeling lots of love for her, and she's been affectionate and caring. No pressure no arguments. Saturday she announces she's taking a trip to LA to see her friend. She's taking her daughter. She decided all at once, and she decided to leave the following Tuesday (yesterday). No big deal, really, if she wants a vacation, fine with me. She wants to get her daughter out of the house, and that's fine, too. She can't get hers or her daughter's cell service set up so she can call from anywhere, too expensive. Cricket sucks. She says she'll buy a phone card. I offer to buy it for her. I offer her my phone, which works nationwide. She turns both down. Doesn't want help. I offer to check her car over. She doesn't want me to. Doesn't understand the big deal, no matter what I say. She doesn't have much time. She promises to do it herself. Fine, I say, do it your way, but DO it. She told me she did. She told me she'd be leaving at 8 or so, yesterday morning. Instead she wakes me up at 5:45am and tells me she's leaving. I say bon voyage, drive safe, I love you. Yawn. Click. I haven't heard a word from her since. Two days of silence. I'm ready to kill her. That is if she isn't dead already. As far as I know, LA has places to get phone cards. And I'm pretty sure there are phones all around there. She didn't leave a way for me to get in touch with her. No phones. I can't remember her friend's name. I have NO FREAKING WAY to find her. I don't even know her license plate number. Now all I can do is run little scenarios through my head. Is she hurt? If she was, who would know to contact me. Her mother is her only family and she lives several thousand miles away. Her boss was going to San Jose this week, too. Is this an elaborate plan to meet up with him? What did she do with her daughter then? What the hell is she trying to tell me by doing this? That she doesn't care about me, or she doesn't think I care? All I can think is if something bad happened so that she couldn't communicate, there's a slim chance someone would bother to try and find me. She doesn't carry my name around with her. I can't think where it would be in her apartment. She has pictures of me, but I doubt that would be enough. I am pretty freaked out, I guess. Either she's being really damn rude, she's having second thoughts about us, she's with him, etc. Wish I knew. Damn her. I feel like an idiot for not making her tell me her plans. For trusting that everything would be OK and she'd call to tell me so.
Outcast Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 She knows she's fine and sees no reason you should be worried. This is a guy-type attitude but it looks like your gal has it too. I take it you didn't ask her to call you to let you know she arrived ok? If that's the case, then you know for next time to be crystal clear about your expectations.
Author johan Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Bull****. It's common sense. This is something you shouldn't need to be "crystal clear" about. It's common courtesy. I, for instance, am a guy. I take care of myself just fine. I could drive to LA with no incident. I wouldn't expect her to worry, UNLESS she didn't hear from me. I'd still call and let her know I'm alive. It's automatic. Not to mention, she supposedly loves me. So you'd figure she'd at least check in. I mean we never go days without talking. We never miss a day. Or should I figure her memory fades over distance. Dammit. How old are you anyway?
Dasani Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by johan Bull****. It's common sense. This is something you shouldn't need to be "crystal clear" about. It's common courtesy. I, for instance, am a guy. I take care of myself just fine. I could drive to LA with no incident. I wouldn't expect her to worry, UNLESS she didn't hear from me. I'd still call and let her know I'm alive. It's automatic. Not to mention, she supposedly loves me. So you'd figure she'd at least check in. I mean we never go days without talking. We never miss a day. Or should I figure her memory fades over distance. Dammit. How old are you anyway? by your rant- I'd ask you the same question! IMO if she continues to not call, and then comes back, or calls in a few days (too long from now in the first place) you should say in a very exclamatory way... your post from above. Tell her neither of you are kids... and she has one... so she should know what its like when she doesnt know where her loved ones are- if they're ok- and what the immediate future plans are.... etc... its not only disruptive to your life but it fills your day with an unknown that shouldnt be there! totally unnecessary, disrespectful, rude, and almost scarey (esp if this is out of no where).
centered Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Her behavior, besides being bizarre, is just plain rude. I don't care if she feels she can handle anything that comes up -- when you *love* someone, and you are in a exclusive relationship with them, then you keep them in the loop and share info about your day. I mean, it's not like she went on a llama trek across the Andes and had no way to contact you! When she surfaces, tell her how thoughtless that was, and how it really stressed you out. This is *not* a good way to build trust and affection! Good luck with this one, Johan.
Outcast Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Dammit. How old are you anyway? Old enough to know that a lot of people either don't expect people to worry or think someone worrying about them is stupid. That which is 'common sense' to you may not be to her. Common sense isn't that common.
Icarus Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 A couple months??? I guess I don't know your history on this relationship, but my first reaction from your post is that for a 2-month "relationship", you're being incredibly paranoid, controlling, and downright obsessive. She went to see a friend and may be having a really good time. I assume you've had some good times with her. Ever think she might have neglected to call someone she cares about while she was having fun with you for a day or two? Relax! Now, if this "... doing real well for a couple months" is part of a bigger LTR, and you two are fully committed to each other, then yeah, I would be concerned too. But that's something you'll have to deal with when she gets back. Just don't raise He|| with her over the phone while she's away ... that's a death knell ... and she won't be happy to see you when she gets back.
Author johan Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 I can't sleep. My mind is just locked on this. It goes back and forth between her being hurt somewhere and her deceiving me somehow. I know her friend has a phone she could use. They talk all the time. She couldn't spare a dollar or two worth of minutes to just check in with me?? Damn, I'd send her a check for it! She said she loves me. She even mentioned marriage. She came to have lunch with me on Monday. She was really affectionate and sweet and we had fun and laughed. She's also been bugging me to move somewhere. She's ridiculous about that. I'm not moving anywhere without a good reason. Her whims aren't going to do it. Until I'm either exhausted or my mind can settle on something that gives me confidence, sleep isn't going to happen. I'm just a total bowl of jelly here. I don't even get to just be angry with her, because I have no idea if she's ok. She's NOT that great a driver. She has tunnel vision. She's a habitual speeder. She didn't sleep much Monday night. The possibilities are killing me. And if she's OK, then I've got a whole other list of what-if's going. Is it the boss? I mean what the hell is she doing that is so distracting? Hanging out with an old friend isn't good enough. She hates it when I don't call her. She absolutely freaks if her daughter doesn't check in and tell her when she's going to be home. When/if she calls, I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together. There's absolutely no excuse for this except unconsciousness. And that sucks.
Author johan Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by Icarus A couple months??? Actually 40 months. And the past couple of months have been nice. No fights, no insecurities, no pressure. I'm far from controlling.
Merin Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Whats up Johan.. Long time.. Well you pretty much know what my take is already. This was inconsiderate of her period. She is fine (I'd put money on it) but yeah your girl likes to play these games called Let's see how far I can push Johan and make sure he really loves me. I seriously doubt she is with anyone else either Johan.. if she was going to hook up with someone else she wouldn't need to go to another state to do so, she wouldn't bring her daughter along to do so, not to mention you're amazing to her and she knows it. I think her behaviour prior to leaving for LA says a lot about her state of mind.. that she was going to do what she wanted to do, go where she wanted to go, without any assistance and/or approval.. so yeah personally I think she's working the hell out of that about now. I know this is eating you up.. and I'm sure she will call you.. I guess really it's going to be a matter of what you want to do with all of this (not just this event) when she gets back home. Being nice from time to time isn't enough Johan.. she needs to be a hella lot more consistant and stop playing all these games to see how far you're going to bend.
Outcast Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 'Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence'. Somebody's sig. It's always a bad idea to impute malicious intentions to others, particularly to others you love.
centered Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by Outcast 'Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence'. Somebody's sig. It's always a bad idea to impute malicious intentions to others, particularly to others you love. Even in Johan's case, where there's a history of this bad treatment, it's still true. She could just be really damaged in some way and not meaning to hurt Johan directly. But incompetence? Probably not in this case. I expect there are some deeper things percolating in her head, some control issues she hasn't resolved, and Johan is just in the wrong place for the fallout when she acts out on her feelings. Johan, don't get angry with her, as that will probably just give her the reaction she wanted, and she'll use it to justify some twisted logic she's got. Play it cool, let her know that was really rude, and give her a bit of a cold shoulder. She needs to apologize. Don't expect it, but wait for it. It's important for her to work out why she values you, and why she owes you an apology.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 call her mother, and express your concern for her daughter and grand daughter, and maybe the word will get passed on.
clynn Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 yah, if you actually live together then common courtesy is for her to phone you. I agree that the thought may not have occurred to her, or that she is behaving in a selfish and stubborn fashion (I'm independent, I can do what I want!)..... ...still, you have a right to be cheezed off. Point is...by living together this is just plain basic. If she doesn't know that those are the rules that one signs up for in cohabitation, then she better learn!
Author johan Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by Merin ...not to mention you're amazing to her and she knows it. It's true. I am. And to be honest, she's very sweet to me. Between episodes. Especially lately. Originally posted by Merin Being nice from time to time isn't enough Johan.. she needs to be a hella lot more consistant and stop playing all these games to see how far you're going to bend. Originally posted by Outcast 'Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence'. Somebody's sig. I can see both sides of this. She knows better, I'm sure. Maybe she's "incompetent" enough not to act on it. She has softened a lot lately on some of the stuff that was so difficult before, mostly because I quit reacting to it. I don't bug her about stuff, and she's noticed. It's not that I'm acting "cool". I just got sick of it and decided I'd do what I wanted instead of trying to make "us" work all the time. I realized there are awesome Merins out there, who can make even a trip to boring old Starbucks a memory of a lifetime. If she can't step up, I won't blame myself. Originally posted by centered Even in Johan's case, where there's a history of this bad treatment, it's still true. She could just be really damaged in some way and not meaning to hurt Johan directly. But incompetence? Probably not in this case. I expect there are some deeper things percolating in her head, some control issues she hasn't resolved, and Johan is just in the wrong place for the fallout when she acts out on her feelings. Johan, don't get angry with her, as that will probably just give her the reaction she wanted, and she'll use it to justify some twisted logic she's got. Play it cool, let her know that was really rude, and give her a bit of a cold shoulder. She needs to apologize. Don't expect it, but wait for it. It's important for her to work out why she values you, and why she owes you an apology. Bullseye, centered. I think you're right on with that. Originally posted by laRubiaBonita call her mother, and express your concern for her daughter and grand daughter, and maybe the word will get passed on. Ha, ha. I couldn't get past "hi" with her mother. Ona govoryt nye pa-Anglisky. Originally posted by clynn ...still, you have a right to be cheezed off. If she doesn't know that those are the rules that one signs up for in cohabitation, then she better learn! We don't live together. But I am cheezed off nevertheless. First thing when I got up this morning, I called the state patrols for the states she drove through and they told me there was no record of any accidents with her name on them. That put my mind at rest. Everyone seems to think she's probably OK and just having a good time. That also calmed me down. I'm pissed, but I think I'll just tell her how I feel, ask her what the hell she's been thinking, and not get emotional about it. She can have her damn week. She'll have some splainin to do when she gets back. She'll have to work to get me to be nice to her again. I still just hope they are ok.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 She is gonna be fine .. You are just freaked because you don't know where she is at.. Rude.. yes.. She was I think there is more to this story than you know.. You obviously don't have a good enough relatiopnship to be bf/gf. you may find out when you talk to here that she is done with you guys. If she isn't you ought to be..
Author johan Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 Thanks, everyone, for the support. She called and I gave her a HARD time for a while. She apologized a lot, said she didn't think I'd be worried, that she's not a little girl and nothing was going to happen to her. I told her she still owes it to me to let me know and she agreed. I told her I'd be mad for a month, and then we talked about her trip, her grouchy teenage daughter, and what's been going on here. Apparently I get to spank her when she gets back. So I feel better now. Guess I'll take the skirt off now.
Icarus Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Cool Man! Sorry, didn't know your situation in my first post. You're gonna welcome her back, aren't ya?!
centered Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by johan Apparently I get to spank her when she gets back. So I feel better now. Spanking's a reward, Johan. Tell her you *were* going to spank her, but she hasn't earned it!
Author johan Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer She's probably hooking up with another guy... Maybe. Maybe I'll have another shot with your mom. If she was SO into some guy that she'd do something so elaborate to be with him, she would just break up with me to be with him. She's not schizophrenic.
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