Mixed signals

[Wissel79]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a few questions that keep bothering me on and off. My questions entail two guys who I've met online.

 

I have met a guy online who's name I won't call, or I will call him M. We have been talking since Decembre 2016 online. I initiated the contact because I thought he looked hot and totally my type: dark blond hair, blue eyes and a trained body. But I did not take it so seriously as I just had seperated a couple of months before with my ex. I was just a little bored and was just chatting with him. No expectations. He was coming on hard and sexually on to me. I just staying cool and kept smiling and saying that I wasn't in to that. Since then he changed tune and became from a very sexual guy to someone who is actually quite sweet and kind and caring in a few months until recently.

 

We met maybe a month ago. When I saw him I like him but wasn't head over heals. He did give a good vibe. We went to a museum together which was his initiative. He was very chivalrous: he took my coat to the wardrobe, he took my umbrella and took the lead for a map to see where we could see art work. All well all good. We had lunch together at the museum and by the end I told him that I had to go home. He suddenly grabbed my arm for some reason and I pulled my arm away. I did not feel at ease to come closer to him in that perspective. SO I kept a little distance.

 

When I got home he appt me asking me how I was and to tell me that he had a good time but that he was not in love Truth to be told I wasn't head over heals for him either but I do have feelings for him and had a crush sort of saying but this waned when I saw him. But he still looked hot and nice though.... When he told me this I felt disappointed. I said to him that it is very rare that people fall in love straight away. He told me that he would have liked that..... I thought he was a little immature at that point. But he did say that he liked me a lot and that he thought I was sweet, understanding and caring. He said that that are also important things sometimes more that being madly in love. We kept talking to each other since and he keeps texting me almost everyday for hours However he never initiates to see me again which confuses me I have been thinking of getting a new oven and he went to a shop to get folders for me, but when I initiated when to meet to pick up these folders he seems to postpone this which I find strange..... So I stopped asking him when to meet for the folders. My feelings have waned a little for him but I do wonder a little bit about him. I do not want to be doing all the work. I do text him often when he does not.... for example when he missed a day or two. But he does a lot but has not for the past 4 days... which could happen of course. I just have feelings for him.... It should be him a little more in dating. I just feel unsure about this right now. I have only seen him one time in the past 4 months and he does not initiate a single thing, but apps me almost every day for hours about his day, and things... and gives me sweet names like: kitten, or flower and so on....

 

Now there is another guy which I will call T. We barely talked before our date... We went on a date and he seemed nice. Until the second date. HE was getting on stronger: wanted to kiss me. Said how pretty I was and that I had a baby face and so on. But I really did not wanted to kiss. I did not feel sexually attracted to him but I just went on a date with him because he seemed kind. But the the date after that we went to a park. He did not wanted to go to a cafe. I thought that was weird. He said he wanted to sit with me privately and talk. He went immediatly saying that he deleted his dating profile and was asking if I had too. He asked whether this between us could get serious. I just said yes for some reason but I was not sure. I barely know the guy??

 

The next day we were suppose to meet again. He texted me early morning. Then something happend that really botherd me totally He invited himself to come to my place I said to him that I wasn't comfortable with that because I did not know him. I also told him that I was not going to invite him sometime soon. His reaction seemed angry. He said ok, not now nor soon! Then he said that he was still going to come and that he would let me know when he was going to leave his place to meet me at 1:30 PM. The hours went by and by 1:30 PM I did not hear from him and then I texted him saying that I was not going to see him today anymore because of other plans and he only responded with a lame: OK Since this incident he does not text me anymore and I am not sure... I get the feeling that all he wanted to do was get me into bed?

 

I am confused and I have strong feelings for M, but I am not sure he does too... He does say he cares for me but does not initiate another get together. I don't want to push things either

Edited April 2, 2017 by Wissel79

[act00]

I'm not really sure what your question is.

 

Don't give out your address to people you don't know. The second guy seems a little bit on the creepy side. He probably did want sex. Some men are quite forceful and demanding. When he told you he would be coming over, he expected (wanted) you to comply and just say okay because he said so. You still said no. It's possible he wants a partner who does what he wants and who is passive and compliant. Someone who doesn't comply with his demands, is not someone he wants to be with. I think it's safe to assume that he wanted sex, and when you did not comply with his demand to come over, he moved on. Don't give this one a second thought.

 

I have been involved with perpetual texters. They like to text, sometimes call, but they never seem to want to go out in person or really grow a relationship. I recently "broke up" with one. M seems rather sweet and someone who would be nice to get to know. You were unsure about him, and I don't know if your behavior turned him off. I'm having a hard time picturing what happened, but if you completely recoiled from him when he touched your arm, it's not a good signal that you actually liked him. If I touched a man on the arm and he took a leap away from me, and kept a large gap of physical distance, I certainly would not take that to mean he wanted to be with me or was interested in me. I think it's possible he's afraid to ask you out, but is still interested enough in you to maintain contact. Like maybe in the future he'll go out with you if you express your interest? It could also be he enjoys the texting and the idea of dating, but he's just not interested in actually doing it...he likes the fantasy. If you're tired of texting and no actual meeting up, you need to say so. Maybe he needs you to express an interest in seeing him. You could say to him, "We've been texting for four months, and it would be nice to get together and see you again." You don't need an excuse to meet (picking up the folders). You want to express you are interested in him, not a pick-up/drop-off of paperwork. Just say you would like to spend some time together because you like him and would like to get to know him. If he doesn't respond or make efforts to plan a date, let him go. After four months, I'm guessing it's just not going to happen. You need to decide if you want to maintain being pen pals or end this relationship.

[GemmaUK]

I don't understand why either guy is causing any thoughts in your mind to be honest.

 

M was sexual with you before you met and when you began talking - this is a pretty big signal he wants 'in pants'.

You met him - have a crush but you're worth more than a guy like that who starts off with the sexual.

 

T - you weren't attracted.

 

Move on to someone who is a gentleman and respects you - from the get go.

[Wissel79]

I'm not really sure what your question is.

 

Don't give out your address to people you don't know. The second guy seems a little bit on the creepy side. He probably did want sex. Some men are quite forceful and demanding. When he told you he would be coming over, he expected (wanted) you to comply and just say okay because he said so. You still said no. It's possible he wants a partner who does what he wants and who is passive and compliant. Someone who doesn't comply with his demands, is not someone he wants to be with. I think it's safe to assume that he wanted sex, and when you did not comply with his demand to come over, he moved on. Don't give this one a second thought.

 

I have been involved with perpetual texters. They like to text, sometimes call, but they never seem to want to go out in person or really grow a relationship. I recently "broke up" with one. M seems rather sweet and someone who would be nice to get to know. You were unsure about him, and I don't know if your behavior turned him off. I'm having a hard time picturing what happened, but if you completely recoiled from him when he touched your arm, it's not a good signal that you actually liked him. If I touched a man on the arm and he took a leap away from me, and kept a large gap of physical distance, I certainly would not take that to mean he wanted to be with me or was interested in me. I think it's possible he's afraid to ask you out, but is still interested enough in you to maintain contact. Like maybe in the future he'll go out with you if you express your interest? It could also be he enjoys the texting and the idea of dating, but he's just not interested in actually doing it...he likes the fantasy. If you're tired of texting and no actual meeting up, you need to say so. Maybe he needs you to express an interest in seeing him. You could say to him, "We've been texting for four months, and it would be nice to get together and see you again." You don't need an excuse to meet (picking up the folders). You want to express you are interested in him, not a pick-up/drop-off of paperwork. Just say you would like to spend some time together because you like him and would like to get to know him. If he doesn't respond or make efforts to plan a date, let him go. After four months, I'm guessing it's just not going to happen. You need to decide if you want to maintain being pen pals or end this relationship.

 

Dear Act,

 

You broke up with a perpetual texter??? It sound weird but I might be soon in that same position too ha ha:D But good girl:love:

 

Well maybe the thingy with the arm was an unconscious response? But I was very very nervous seeing him, I almost blew off the date beforehand because I was too shy. That could have been the reason he told me he wasn't too in love by solidifying his grounds of insecurity, but this is just a guess. An action to avoid rejection? I am not sure. But I could take on your tip to ask him on a date and see how he responds: i.e. to see him because I like him as a person. From here I could move on and not waste anymore time. And maybe yes, he is in love with the idea of a woman in his life but has issues. But that would not be MY problem.

[Wissel79]

I don't understand why either guy is causing any thoughts in your mind to be honest.

 

M was sexual with you before you met and when you began talking - this is a pretty big signal he wants 'in pants'.

You met him - have a crush but you're worth more than a guy like that who starts off with the sexual.

 

T - you weren't attracted.

 

Move on to someone who is a gentleman and respects you - from the get go.

 

I know that M seemed to want only that but once he felt he could not do that he stopped immediatly and hasn't talked about sex ever after that even when I try to tease him with minor pleasing sentences. He just does not react to it anymore?

 

In all honesty I agree that I don't like guys who start off sexually. With M is different because he diminished his acting for 100% and well T is just a jerk with no manners or respect

[act00]

Dear Act,

 

You broke up with a perpetual texter??? It sound weird but I might be soon in that same position too ha ha:D But good girl:love:

 

Well maybe the thingy with the arm was an unconscious response? But I was very very nervous seeing him, I almost blew off the date beforehand because I was too shy. That could have been the reason he told me he wasn't too in love by solidifying his grounds of insecurity, but this is just a guess. An action to avoid rejection? I am not sure. But I could take on your tip to ask him on a date and see how he responds: i.e. to see him because I like him as a person. From here I could move on and not waste anymore time. And maybe yes, he is in love with the idea of a woman in his life but has issues. But that would not be MY problem.

 

LOL, yes, I finally just texted that it has been a full year, and it's time to officially end it. I posted this topic here at LS. I could have just not responded and ignored and hope he would go away, but when a dude texts after a couple weeks or a month goes by, he's not going to stop. It hurts because you've been ghosted and now he's back, and you know this dream of a relationship is not going to happen...I broke up to stop the texts. I have had a handful of texters with no meetings, or meet once and never seem to meet again, but the texts go on, and on...very strange. I do put down the ultimatum to meet. Sometimes I ignore and sometimes I put a stop to it officially. I don't know why I let this one go for so long, but I did, and I stopped it.

 

I'm not sure what's going on with being "in love" upon the very first date. It seems odd, as this is not something people know right away, typically. I don't know if he is thinking of "chemistry," and the potential of love. Something's there if he went and did oven research for you and continues contact with you, but overall, if he fails to actually go out with you (and equally initiate), which is kind of the whole point of dating, it's time to cut bait.

 

ETA: I think if your behavior, being scared, nervous, shy, put him off when you backed away, the ball is in your court to assure him you are interested in him, and even apologize that your reaction may have made him feel bad. Once you put yourself out there, if he doesn't respond, you know you tried your best, and you can be confident you made the effort.

Edited April 2, 2017 by act00