Tired of this toxic marriage/friendship drama.

[ManicDepressiveMouse]

I'm so fed up.

My husband has a best friend. We'll call her "J". He's known her for about a decade.

J and I have also become close over the past year and considered each other best friends also.

My husband and I have been having some big issues though mostly revolving around J. He has a job where it's easy to call in sick or leave early and not be penalised for it. So for about 9 months he would sometimes work as little as 0-5 hours a week leaving me to pay all the bills myself and work a lot of overtime. Whenever he takes time off or leaves early he goes and hangs out with J. She's always willing to pick him up early from work etc.

Well, this got so bad that I'm on the verge of filing for bankruptcy. Over the past 9 months I've struggled so much. I've had days where I haven't been able to afford to eat. I've had days where I've had to choose between food and hydro. I've pawned things that were important to me to get bills paid.

I've been extremely depressed as a result of it not to mention in physical pain because I need a surgery on my teeth that has to be paid in full upfront but I can't afford it.

I have spent a lot of time alone so he can go hang out with J because she's always got some drama happening. She calls and texts constantly (or at least she did when we could still afford a phone). If she knew we were spending time alone together she would call and text even more. The most she did was 13 messages in two hours and got angry with us for not responding fast enough. She's gotten angry and guilt tripped us both for going on dates and not inviting her. She was with us on Valentine's Day for god sake. She's told me constantly that she feels so bad that he leaves work early and hangs out with her. She says it's not right that he does that and she feels guilty for giving in to it but that she still does it because she has no one else to hang out with (not true).

I've talked to both of them about how this has made me feel numerous times but about a month ago I really snapped and said if my husband doesn't get it together and start acting like a husband I'm leaving. He has gone to work every day since, started helping with the bills and doesn't spend every free moment talking to and hanging out with J. I know I should have done this a long time ago. I just didn't know how to speak up without being seen as controlling or jealous.

Well, now she's pissed. Now we're being disappointing and bad friends for not spending as much time with her. I told her my husband needs to start helping me out but she completely ignored that and made it all about her and how he's being a crappy friend. He's invited her out a few times and she has declined for various reasons so it's not like he's completely cut her off. And as his wife and all the **** I've dealt with in regards to their friendship, I feel I would have every right to request an end to their friendship.

All I'm asking is for her to respect our marriage and back off a bit. Now it's an all or nothing thing. Either we be at her every beck and call or we're not good friends. I know you're going to say my husband has been acting horrible and I completely agree and I've made it very clear to him that he's been really failing as a husband. He's had a huge turn around the past couple of months and I hope it will continue. Our friend however is trying to guilt me. My husband said he had already talked to her about this and if she's not willing to respect his marriage and him trying to be a better husband then he's fine with ending the friendship. They have both been toxic to this marriage. Believe me, I blame my husband more than her. But now that he's making a clear effort to change it feels like she's trying to sabotage it. She confuses me. Because there's been a lot of times where she's messaged me to ask how I'm feeling/coping with my marriage. She's come visit me when my pet passed away last year. She stays in contact and will often initiate contact with me. But all at the same time she also fishes for drama ie. Bringing up past things with my husband etc and of course enabling his behaviour of not going to work. Even had situations where she's tried to guilt him into leaving early to hang out with her. She says and does things that would suggest a supportive friend. But then also does the opposite. Several times she has suggested I pack my things and leave my husband and that she would help me pack. I just know that if my best friend's marriage was suffering I would first try to encourage fixing it rather than juat jumping to breaking it off. My husband says he feels responsible for her. She guilt trips him constantly. I said his responsibility is to himself and his wife. She always guilts him into giving her a bunch of his pain meds (he's got chronic pain issues) so she can use them to get high. She says it's for pain but it's clearly not. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Was there a way to mend the friendship and marriage or did you have to make a decision to have one or the other?

Edited April 2, 2017 by ManicDepressiveMouse

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is in love with your husband and trying to interfere in your marriage. She needs to go. Full-stop. Don't worry about pissing her off. She's immature and behaves very inappropriately, and believe me when I say she is not your friend. She is not his "best friend" either. Best friends don't behave the way she does. She is trying to get you to leave him so that she can have him.

 

The next question is your husband and his real feeling towards her. Does he see her as more than a friend? I would venture he does. He is crossing far too many boundaries and has been a crappy husband to you. What man lets his wife dangle on the verge of bankruptcy, so he can basically stop working and hang out with another woman? He sounds like a giant man-child having an affair.

 

Stop enabling this. Get tough. She will flip, but so what? It's your marriage. And if he doesn't see the error in his ways and why he needs to cut this friend off (yes, cut her off) then you have much bigger problems and should re-evaluate why you're still married to a man who prioritizes another woman.

[Jersey born raised]

Is your husband doing any drugs (legal or not) or drinking?

 

He let you starve, live in pain and refused to help with money by chosng not to work and hang out with J

[Arieswoman]

MDM,

 

This "friend" is no friend to you - she a snake-in-the-grass.

 

Because there's been a lot of times where she's messaged me to ask how I'm feeling/coping with my marriage.

Tell her to mind her own effing business and cut contact with her.

 

The most she did was 13 messages in two hours and got angry with us for not responding fast enough. She's gotten angry and guilt tripped us both for going on dates and not inviting her. She was with us on Valentine's Day for god sake.

 

This is bordering on stalking - stop allowing it

 

Once she's out of the picture you can get down to dealing with your husband's mindset. He sounds like a totally irresponsible jerk.

 

You need to get tough here. Forget about "hurting people's feelings", you need to make your husband get a grip of his responsibilities.

[BluesPower]

Sweetheart...

 

Your husband if having an affair with J. Period, end of story.

 

Why no one said it yet is beyond me. I don't know how long he has been screwing her, but a while for sure.

 

You are a passive person and you have allowed this toxic "Friendship" to continue unabated.

 

Think I am wrong, put your foot down and then H that J is out of your lives and if he sees her again you will file for divorce.

 

He will tell you, you are controlling, and he is a grown man, he is not by the way, and bla, bla, bla...

 

If this is a deal breaker for you then just file...

[road]

Time to cut her out of both of your lives.

Time to tell husband to be a man and do his best to support

you.

[NTV]

I agree with the others that woman is your enemy.

 

Do you have kids? If not you may want to consider cutting him off so he can be with her. In the whole divorce sense.

 

As a dude, if she wasn't family or best friend throughout childhood, then the only reason I'd be doing stuff like that for her is if we were getting busy.

 

Sidenote - Sharing prescription drugs is illegal. If you decide to go all scorched earth, then the police might be interested in knowing that.

[Mr. Lucky]

All I'm asking is for her to respect our marriage and back off a bit.

 

You don't have a "J" problem, you have an "H" problem. As in husband.

 

It's his responsibility to enforce healthy boundaries in your marriage, there will always be "J's" around. So his choice to prioritize her needs over your concerns is a huge red flag. I don't know if he's sleeping with her, not even sure it matters. He's simply chosen her over you.

 

It's a lot easier for the fox to get into the henhouse if one of the chickens holds the door open...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ManicDepressiveMouse]

Thank you all for your responses.

My husband and I had another long discussion about everything last night.

We both ended up going through months and months of messages she had sent to us both and see that she's played both sides this whole time. She'll tell me that my husband will guilt her into picking him up early from work to hang out and specifically takes time off according to her schedule.

But through the messages my husband has showed me she is actually the one begging him to hang out and if he doesn't, she throws a fit. Not that that excuses him going over there. What will happen is he'll leave work early and when she finds out he's home she'll start spamming him to come over as is seen in the messages. It proves that she's lied to me this entire time, pretending to be a hero and encourage him to go to work and stay there. And she had told my husband not to tell me he left early from work or tell me she asked him to visit because she didn't want me to get angry or have an anxiety attack. He's never kept it from me. I always know when he leaves early and where he is. But after she begs him not to tell me he's with her she has gone ahead and texted me to tell me he is there and that he made her feel guilty about it until she finally gave in and picked him up from work. And she'll usually follow up with "are you mad?". Knowing full well I am. She's talked behind his back a lot and told me things I've never asked to hear and that are none of my business, really, because they happened when we weren't even together. But she'll always follow it up with "don't tell him I told you". It's like she wants to add fuel to the fire.

My husband and I just kind of laid everything out and he showed me all the conversations he's had with her and there's just so many contradictions. She'll always say nice things about me but at the same time encourage him to lie or omit information from me. He's acted terribly this past year but one thing I haven't caught him in is a lie or an omission.

As for cheating...I'm not convinced that he has physically done so especially since she has a medical condition that makes sex pretty much impossible and painful. But emotionally he has definitely invested in her way more than me. And that's not much better.

She's always been an all or nothing person. Either you give her 24-7 attention or you're not worthy of being her friend. She basically has no life. She doesn't work. Lives at home. No relationships (she sabotages any chance of one she comes across), no hobbies, her pill addiction, various mental and medical issues that she uses as an excuse not to live her life etc. She's voiced to me and to my husband about how she feels left behind while all her friends build lives around her. And it's sad. But it's no one's fault but her own. I sometimes feel bad for her but at the same time she has no right to try to bring everyone else down. My husband has made no attempt to try to resolve the issue of her saying she's thinking of cutting him out of her life. He's said on numerous occasions that their friendship is emotionally draining and now that he knows what she's been doing and we've put a bunch of the pieces together he has pretty much washed his hands of the whole thing. From what's been going on she seems to want to keep communication open with me and has messaged me several times but does not make contact with him. I'm assuming there is some sort of ulterior motive...

Edited April 3, 2017 by ManicDepressiveMouse

[FoundLove]

There is no room for a 3rd person in a marriage. Both you and your husband must stop all communication with her. Block her everywhere so she will be unable to contact either of you. If she shows up tell her that she's interfering in a marriage and she's no longer welcome.

 

Good luck!

[caringsister]

My first thought was they we're cheating. My second thought was it all sounds drug related. I think its the latter.

 

Sounds like substance abuse issues on both their part. I mean who leaves work to go hangout while his wife struggles to keep from drowning.

 

She is not your friend. Cut ties and move forward.

[lucy_in_disguise]

She's a drug addict, and I suspect your husband is right there with her. What are they doing for hours when he is cutting off work?

 

You're not going to be able to solve your relationship problems without addressing the potential substance abuse problems.

[ManicDepressiveMouse]

She's a drug addict, and I suspect your husband is right there with her. What are they doing for hours when he is cutting off work?

 

You're not going to be able to solve your relationship problems without addressing the potential substance abuse problems.

 

 

J most definitely has a pill addiction and has for years. It's become very obvious to all of us. She's even hit my mother in law up for pills several times (MIL is a nurse...she has of course, refused and told J to stop contacting her).

As for my husband, he has said that he was having anxiety at work and that's why he's left early. It's not a good enough excuse for everything that's happened though because I also suffer from an actual diagnosed anxiety and I don't bail on him like he has with me. He also never made any effort to talk to me about how he's been feeling so that's his failure to communicate.

As for him being a drug addict, I keep a close eye on his pill, alcohol etc consumption and it seems healthy but you could very well be right. He has had drug problems in the past before we got together so I will monitor even more closely from here on in.

[Mr. Lucky]

As for my husband, he has said that he was having anxiety at work and that's why he's left early.

 

If you buy this, I have a bridge in London - or Arizona, your choice - to sell you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Was J involved in his past drug problems? They could have fallen back into old habits. It sounds more drug related than cheating but----doing drugs with someone and getting out of your mind--cheating could happen

 

Talk to him and ask him to come clean about the drugs

[ManicDepressiveMouse]

Me and husband have both been keeping in contact with J but over the past few months it has definitely dwindled and that's been on her end as well.

The other night she sent me a text that just said let me know when I can drop off your books. I had let her borrow a bunch about 6 months ago.

So I asked husband if he had talked to her yet and he said no and that the only thing she has said to him is the same thing. That she wants to drop off my books. I asked if he was still planning on being friends with her and he said yes (in a tone that made it sound like he was shocked I would even ask). I said dude I'm sick of the passive aggressive **** and I'm sick of your toxic friendship ruining our marriage. How can you be okay with all of this? He said well she's probably just mad that I'm not as available anymore. I said as far as I'm concerned that's a threat to my marriage because she's trying to guilt us both and give you ultimatums to get what she wants when she wants it and I'm not okay with it anymore. H. d he'll ask her to talk and she messaged back saying she was busy. So I asked and she's just sending texts saying oh I'm not mad why are you saying this stuff you're wasting your time thinking this blah blah blah. When I asked then why she said she needs new friends and that the ones she has aren't true ones she said that was a general statement and not a personal attack (even though she said it in the same sentence as "I feel like H and I are drifting apart"). So I asked husband if I could ask her about the whole telling my husband not to tell me he's at work etc. He said fine. She lost her **** started saying how many times have I consoled you and been on your side blah blah blah making it seem like I've never been there for her which is bull****. Not to mention her and husband's inappropriate relationship is the reason I've needed consoling in the first place. She said if you're brave then call me. So I did. She yelled at me for a few minutes saying there was never a problem she was totally fine up until I said that to her even though she's been acting like a guilt tripping bitch for almost 4 months. So I played nice and she ends up spilling to me that she's been angry since January because of something that happened between her and husband almost 4 years ago that she says never got discussed but husband says has repeatedly. She says husband knew about her ex (and close friend of husband) cheating on her. He said he was suspicious but never saw anything and she would make him be his spy when husband and her ex hung out. So husband said ex would hide it from him. Ex confirmed with J that husband never saw anything. Who knows who is lying but anyway, I guess they've been over this multiple times over the years and then when she was hanging around with another mutual friend all the time he said ya we all knew including husband and she's been pissed about it since. If that's even the real reason but I wouldn't be surprised because she's mentioned it to me a few times. They're best friends but she's never once had his back when she's talked to me. She's always put him down and ommitted a lot of information to me that would have made me see the situation a lot differently than I did which is that I thought he was specifically leaving work to see her. Anyway, apparently she's pissed about ex and has been for months in which case I said to husband what's the point of this friendship? You guys can't communicate AT ALL. There's so much anger and animosity from both sides. It's toxic why are you still friends? And to be honest I don't even really believe that that is the main issue. Because she is good friends with an ex husband was with before me and she cheated on him and J knew about it and said nothing. Me and husband are pretty convinced that the main problem is that he has not been as available to her. There's also other issues that have come up between them over the past few months regarding the mutual friend who told her about the ex cheating. It's just such a mess. Husband and I had another long talk. But he still doesn't seem 100% about cutting her off. Ugh.

[Spring23]

Husband and I had another long talk. But he still doesn't seem 100% about cutting her off. Ugh.

 

Too many long talks. Your husband obviously has feelings for this woman who seems sort of insane. Maybe it's time to start asking yourself why you want to stay in this marriage.

[aileD]

You think you and your husband are united on this.

 

You're not.

 

It's them against you. Not you and H against her.

 

Whether is an affair, a weird friendship, drugs, whatever--who knows. But your husband's loyalty is not to you. If it was, she'd be gone a long time ago.

 

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums. But it seems appropriate in this case. You need to stop talking about all the ways she's hurting your marriage and just say "she's hurting our marriage so she needs to go. You can have her as a friend or me as a wife but you can't have both"

[ManicDepressiveMouse]

You think you and your husband are united on this.

 

You're not.

 

It's them against you. Not you and H against her.

 

Whether is an affair, a weird friendship, drugs, whatever--who knows. But your husband's loyalty is not to you. If it was, she'd be gone a long time ago.

 

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums. But it seems appropriate in this case. You need to stop talking about all the ways she's hurting your marriage and just say "she's hurting our marriage so she needs to go. You can have her as a friend or me as a wife but you can't have both"

 

 

I totally agree with this. If it were my best friend interfering or causing any sort of strain on my marriage she would be gone. But it's been an absolute non-issue because she's been nothing but amazing during our entire relationship. Same with all of my other friends.

The other night when J was yelling at me on the phone she said, "How dare you be pissed off at me! I've been stuck in the middle of you two the whole time!" She's been putting herself there. Not just putting herself there...FORCING herself there. And husband has been allowing it the whole time.

All I could think was...my, god, what I would give to be stuck in the middle instead of being on the outside of my marriage looking in on the two of you...

[Mr. Lucky]

It's just such a mess. Husband and I had another long talk. But he still doesn't seem 100% about cutting her off. Ugh.

 

MDM, have you really sat down and asked yourself why that is ?

 

She's an obvious troublemaker, most men would run in the other direction as fast and far as possible. And yet he doesn't.

 

Why?

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

I totally agree with this. If it were my best friend interfering or causing any sort of strain on my marriage she would be gone. But it's been an absolute non-issue because she's been nothing but amazing during our entire relationship. Same with all of my other friends.

The other night when J was yelling at me on the phone she said, "How dare you be pissed off at me! I've been stuck in the middle of you two the whole time!" She's been putting herself there. Not just putting herself there...FORCING herself there. And husband has been allowing it the whole time.

All I could think was...my, god, what I would give to be stuck in the middle instead of being on the outside of my marriage looking in on the two of you...

 

 

So what are you going to do about it?

[ManicDepressiveMouse]

So what are you going to do about it?

 

I think I'm going to take some time for myself. Maybe stay elsewhere. Bring my cat. And have a real think about what I need. Because that's something I've always neglected.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate it.

[aileD]

Good luck and peace to you. Keep in touch

[BettyDraper]

I think I'm going to take some time for myself. Maybe stay elsewhere. Bring my cat. And have a real think about what I need. Because that's something I've always neglected.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate it.

 

This is a very smart decision. I hope the time away helps.

You deserve far better than this. Please come and update us when you can.