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Do men ever seek a relationship?

spiderowl

By spiderowl
in General Relationship Discussion

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm thinking about online dating or meeting through social media. Do men ever seek a relationship or are they mainly thinking in terms of friends with benefits and then sometimes find they want a relationship as they become more attached? I am just wondering how usual it is for a guy to know he would like a committed relationship.

 

I have been exchanging messages or chatting with no end of guys who seem to be looking for something casual but with the same person (which to me seems to be a fwb arrangement). I don't know if it is something about me that is attracting these kinds of guys or whether they just don't want to feel they are committing themselves to anything serious from the start.

 

I can honestly say I don't blame a guy for being uncertain at first as you can't commit yourself upfront to someone you barely know. However, it is beginning to seem like most guys online are very shallow and best avoided.

 

Also, I'm beginning to feel really annoyed with young guys who insist on contacting me and saying they want to meet me. They are flattering and seem nice at first, but then it gradually becomes clear they are thinking of quiet meetings 'on the side' because of the age gap. Now I did not contact them, so I find it pretty insulting that they think it's ok to approach an older woman for a very casual relationship with no thought for how their attitude comes across. Why contact someone if you would be embarrassed to meet them in public or be seen with them? It is pretty demoralising to think you've got talking to someone nice, only to have them say something like 'I like older women if they dress up' or 'are you really XX years, you don't look it?', like you are some kind of type rather than a person.

Edited by spiderowl
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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted

I met my current boyfriend and my last ex through OLD. Both were looking for long-term relationships. Almost all the guys I dated in the process were also looking for long-term relationships. Many of my friends met their spouses through OLD. So, yes. There are definitely relationship-minded guys online.

 

If you're running into lots of younger guys looking for a cougar on the down low, then it may be one of several things:

 

  • The site you're using
  • Something about your profile (or your communication with them) suggests casual arrangements
  • These types of guys appeal to you. In other words, you choose to respond to these guys even though you're getting a range of guys. You may have a broken picker, and something about these types of guys is appealing. So you're ignoring LTR-material guys and responding to these cubs instead.

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dragonfire13 Established Member

dragonfire13

Posted
Posted

I used to feel like every guy I met either wasn't ready for a relationship or was just looking for sex. I started to feel like I was cursed or something, or perhaps just not relationship material.

 

Then I met a guy who, through a combination of all his friends settling down and maturity, made it VERY clear he was dating me with the intention to marry and have kids.

 

I think the Sex and the City theory is right - finding a guy who's ready to settle down is down to chance i.e catching them when their "light is on", like New York taxis.

 

However, since I've dated someone who was rushing to settle down I can now see it from the commitment-shy guys' perspective - I think, just take your time dating, having fun and getting to know each other. And I hate to sound old-fashioned, but save sex until you're both official or at the very least, not seeing other people if you're looking for something long term.

 

That way, the physical side won't cloud both of your judgements.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
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Posted

Thanks for your replies. It is good to know some guys are looking for relationships. I can well understand someone not saying they are seeking that upfront because it sounds too serious from the start and you cannot know what the potential is until you have spent time with someone.

 

The young guys, well, I don't know what it is with them. It is annoying and frustrating. They 'want' an older woman but actually they don't, so they ask stupid questions and say stupid things. They really should not pester older women who are not actively seeking someone younger. There is nothing on my profile to suggest I am seeking anyone younger.

Medsop Member

Medsop

Posted
Posted

I don't believe you are supposed to look for a relationship just look to meet new people and let a bond happen naturally. And with so many people online I don't think a man or woman should have the relationship mindset as soon as they meet someone.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Yes, usually more than one.

 

Nah, some men when they get to be about 30 and their boss and family starts asking them why they're not married will just marry the next woman they date. An ex of mine was frantically looking for someone to have his babies and seriously considered a staggering array of unsuitables before landing on a right one.

Medsop Member

Medsop

Posted
Posted
Yes, usually more than one.

 

Nah, some men when they get to be about 30 and their boss and family starts asking them why they're not married will just marry the next woman they date. An ex of mine was frantically looking for someone to have his babies and seriously considered a staggering array of unsuitables before landing on a right one.

 

Their boss?

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted

Of course there are guys online looking for relationships - I happen to be one.

 

But here's the rub - if a girl who is looking for a LTR does not see you as LTR potential, she will likely end things.

 

If a guy doesn't see you as LTR, he will likely demote you to a FB / FWB until he finds one that is LTR suitable.

 

Guys can happily continue to have sex with a woman with no long term commitment. Yes, they are looking for a LTR, just not with you.

  • Like 3
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

While I am not on OLD anymore...

 

It depends on our age, if you are in your 25 to 35 range, then some guys will be interested in a R. If your say 45 to 55, a lot of men are not looking for a R.

 

I am 52, and I can tell you that every woman that I am with falls in love at some level and wants to get married. Even when I tell them, no that is not where I am at.

 

Frankly, they just really get pissed at some point. My main GF had a freak out this weekend. It gets completely old.

 

I mean at this age, why can't we just enjoy each other until it fades or does not fade and we can take it from there???

 

And really, I am not all that special. Regular guy, decent in the sack, I do treat all woman like queens. That is just how I was raised.

 

I think I am doing something wrong...

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

Posted
Posted (edited)

For a start you put in your age pref thingo and should tick a box somewhere so that no one outside of that can even contact you anyway.

At least l could do that with the one l was on.

Before l found that and some other boxes though l was getting contacted by chicks half my age ,grandmas , gay guys, you name it.

 

But shallow , hell l don't really know about the guys bc l wasn't looking at them but women, you bet shallow, and clueless and some disgusting.

Could not believe stuff l saw on profiles, telling you, l come out of that 6mth stint damaged .

About the only thing that helped was that my good taste in women prevailed even in that place and the few l bothered to meet were all good women with their heads out of their ass and still on this planet.

But the most part, my god no guy would touch them in any serious way with a 10ft pole.

So don't worry , you ain't alone just bc your a female.

 

On the relationship thing, yeah, dunno, as l say l wasn't talking to guys. Can tell you from mates though and guys l talk too , it's about 50/50.

Many don't want a serious gf or marriage anymore but, can't blame them really they've been screwed over once so they're gun shy for sure and are only interested in casual stuff now. But some do, for sure , l'm one .

 

l think if your gonna go date sites though you've just gotta use your judgement like l was doing and hopefully you only meet the good ones.

You do that before you meet them , just keep emailing or talking until all the warnings are gone,,,,,, if they go.

l had heaps of women saying come for coffee come for coffee but l'd be thinking hold your horses l wanna know whether to even bother first and most of the time with a few more emails or text or calls whatever, told me anything l needed to know and l'd drop it from there.

 

Mind you,no expert here and l sure had my share of wrong calls too and the ghosting thing and the rest of the bs.

Edited by Chilli
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

I've done OLD a few times, and at every age I've found a good number of guys who want a real relationship leading to marriage.

 

As a woman dating at any age, you'll always be approached by plenty of men who just want sex.

 

In my latest round of OLD, I had a swarm of 20-something men coming at me. I even went on dates with a few who caught my fancy. I didn't meet any with real potential, but it was fun getting to know them. If I were inclined toward casual involvements, I could have a revolving roster of hotties at my beck and call.

 

If you're not interested in younger men, just don't reply. I was on the site for a couple of months, and I got pickier and pickier as I went along. Toward the end, I only replied to 20-something guys who were extremely cool and interesting - which is, of course, very rare.

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted

OLD is like the AARP of the damaged, dysfunctional, unsuitable, unstable, unavailable, and undatable. More than two-thirds are so obvious you can't miss it, another twenty-five percent can be ID'd in two minutes, and of those remaining a few are going to be good prospects. The trick is sorting them from the ones who put on a good show, say the right words, and pretend to be authentic.

 

All you can do is meet people and go by instinct. Sometimes it works, sometimes even your instinct fails you. No guarantees. You have to ante up to be in the game. The cost of going all-in with a pretender is wasted time, diminished trust, and a broken heart.

 

The unfortunate reality is that you have to start at the beginning with each new person. If someone says they want a relationship, that puts them ahead of the ones who say outright that they're only good-timers, but it doesn't mean they actually are, or that they'll have the reliability and dedication to go the distance even if you become attached or fall in love.

 

But the fallacy you're not seeing here is blaming it on the venue. OLD is just where the unattached go to hang out their shingles. It's a cross section of all kinds, minus those who can and did make a good choice in a mate, and maintained a healthy, committed relationship for the long-term.

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curiouslysearching Established Member

curiouslysearching

Posted
Posted
I've done OLD a few times, and at every age I've found a good number of guys who want a real relationship leading to marriage.

 

As a woman dating at any age, you'll always be approached by plenty of men who just want sex.

 

In my latest round of OLD, I had a swarm of 20-something men coming at me. I even went on dates with a few who caught my fancy. I didn't meet any with real potential, but it was fun getting to know them. If I were inclined toward casual involvements, I could have a revolving roster of hotties at my beck and call.

 

If you're not interested in younger men, just don't reply. I was on the site for a couple of months, and I got pickier and pickier as I went along. Toward the end, I only replied to 20-something guys who were extremely cool and interesting - which is, of course, very rare.

 

 

The Ruby Red heels get them every single time, don't they Ruby???

CptInsano Established Member

CptInsano

Posted
Posted

I'm a man, but I don't OLD, and I don't seek a relationship. I'm looking for a great woman. This woman may trigger me to want a relationship with her. But it is not the relationship I seek, it is that woman.

  • Like 2
BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

We are preparing our wedding (3.5 months to go) and our Hawaii honeymoon and met through online dating. I know a lot of women who met their husbands online. It just takes time. Sometimes a lot of time . Years. But when you meet your match it'll all be worth it.

 

Use more of the paid sites than the feee ines. The young ones looking for cougars I met mainly on the free ones. Future husband on match.

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted

I am definitely in the "wants a relationship" camp. In fact, I only pursue dating relationships with someone I feel like I can be in an extraordinary relationship. If the raw ingredients aren't there then I don't give it a go.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

when i was online dating..i was up front with young guys and they were upfront with me..i have no interest in casual sex and they would be wasting their time talking to me....i have never dated much younger than me ...a year or two....

 

on a night out dancing i hooked up with a young guy.....as in kissing.i could out dance young guys..it is i believe what attracted him..........i asked to see his id first.....h eof course wanted sex at the end of the night....including his mate.....i of course declined and went home with my gf with whom i went out with.....

 

most young guys in my experience.....see an older woman for one reason...and i would rather know ..so i can say move on bud.......im not for you/...i hav ealways dated oldr guys ...because i like sexually confident men who actually wants more from me.....than just sex....they know sex is only a small part of what would be attractive about being with me.....since i was a 15 year old i have mainly dated older....im not a casual dater......and i am not actually age judgmental....just havent been interested in younger men and what they want from me......i have been attracted ...to one younger man.....it isnt resciprocated it wasnt sex at all that attracted me to him.......it was his passion and his beliefs and the way he spoke about them....he is ...attractive to me...for many reasons....just not for me i guess........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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