kendahke Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I've been dating a fellow for 3 months. It started off pretty intense. We would FaceTime every night for 1-2 hours and see each other 2-3 times a week. Multiple texts daily. This lasted a couple of months. Though it has only been three months our connection has felt very strong and I care about him very deeply. We don't talk much about emotions but he has told me I'm special to him. He's managing you and your expectations. I'm curious: who does most of this initiation of "intensity"? How does he feel about YOU? Being "special" to him means what, exactly? There are men who are special to me--as friends, but I'm not going to enter into a romantic relationship with them. He's only going so far with you and it seems as if you're filling in the blanks with assumptions about his feelings for you. He may like this interaction, but does he want to commit to you and weave his future with yours? I'm not seeing any of that in your description. I'm not reading anywhere where he's all that arsed outside of some steamy interludes, but those don't comprise commitment. Of course he's going to play down his feelings for her--he's playing down his feelings for you at the same time. I think he was grooming you as his back up and when this other woman came through in the crunch, he went with her. He didn't know you well enough to ask you to let him move in. I'm sure this whole deal with his ex and the dog didn't spring up 4 days ago and his friend knows more about what's going on than you do. Cut this one loose. The fact that he lied by omission when he didn't need to is all you need to act on. He lied about this, he's more than likely lying about other things, including how he really feels about you. Like I said: he's managing your expectations.
Author SoccerMom73 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Wow, thank you to everyone for the advice. I really do appreciate it and there are plenty of things stated that are really helpful. To answer a few questions, yes, he and I decided to be exclusive 2 months ago. Despite the fact his good friend had disclosed a couple of months ago her feelings for him, she is currently dating around but not seriously. He has told me that he has no physical attraction to this girl. He also has since admitted he made a mistake and should have told me but knew I'd be upset and his hands were tied with not having a place. He told me today that his female friend has also said this is temporary until he can get things settled with his dog and pay off some debts (he's paying very little monthly to her). He has said he would like us to meet because I would see there isn't anything there. While I appreciate that I'm still kind of stuck on the fact that he didn't suggest this beforehand and did all of this behind my back. So I'm sort of torn because I feel like everyone is entitled to make mistakes but this was a pretty big mistake. And it doesn't change the fact that they are still living together. So now I'm just trying to step back and look at the whole picture. He is a good person with a good heart but he can be quite self-involved. Hence his actions and in other ways too. I don't want to be a fool and stay but I also believe in giving second chances too. I'm just really confused.
Author SoccerMom73 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Sorry, to add. Kendahke, Deb and others, you raise valid points. We have had a couple of fights over the past few weeks because he has been pulling away. When we discussed things further he said he sees me in his future and has made reference a couple of times about when we get our place etc but these have been very few. Which I would expect given that it has only been 3 months. But yes, I do very much feel like he is managing my expectations. The one thing he has been awesome at is talking through things after the fact. He acknowledges my feelings and admits when he hasn't handled things well. But then he went and did this which threw a wrench into things. While this move is very good for him ie financial and a place for his dog, it's not so good for us. So many really good pieces of advice on all sides. 1
TheBathWater Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I could really use some objective advice. I've been dating a fellow for 3 months. It started off pretty intense. We would FaceTime every night for 1-2 hours and see each other 2-3 times a week. Multiple texts daily. This lasted a couple of months. Though it has only been three months our connection has felt very strong and I care about him very deeply. We don't talk much about emotions but he has told me I'm special to him. He told me very early on when dating how his good friend, who is female, told him she had feelings for him. They see each other a couple of times a week usually. I wasn't happy about her admission obviously but I appreciated his honesty and he said he didn't and would never have feelings for her that way. Most times I'm ok when he goes to her place for dinner or to fix something but some times it does bother me. I'm trying not to be insecure but when he goes to her for help with things like budgeting or advice etc it does bug me. I've never met her. So yesterday he was quiet during the day and when I asked what he had been up to he said moving. This was a shock as I had no clue. He had been renting a room but had to quickly find a new place when his ex would no longer keep their dog at her home. He moved in with his good female friend. The one who has said she has feelings for him. He had known for a few days but didn't tell me or think to discuss. So I was and am quite upset. I can't believe he wouldn't at least discuss this first. He acknowledges he should have said something but said it is the best move for him as it will be cheap and now he has his dog. I don't think I can get past it and I'm wondering if I'm being fair or if I'm being insecure. Plus we have only been together 3 months. But the idea that he will go home each night to this woman really bothers me. I'm not sure what to do or If I'm being oversensitive. Any advice would be appreciated. Is he a young college student or something? Sounds like one. His not mentioning this to you before he made a decision suggests to me that he may not have the best communication skills. Of course you're going to feel insecure about this situation. Three months is long enough to establish mutual interest in something more serious than casual dating, and I think most women would not be excited by the idea of their boyfriend telling them they're going to room with another female. Have you shared with him how you feel? Is he showing consideration and thought for your reactions? Does he plan to introduce you to the roommate?
frus69 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Sorry, to add. Kendahke, Deb and others, you raise valid points. We have had a couple of fights over the past few weeks because he has been pulling away. When we discussed things further he said he sees me in his future and has made reference a couple of times about when we get our place etc but these have been very few. Which I would expect given that it has only been 3 months. But yes, I do very much feel like he is managing my expectations. The one thing he has been awesome at is talking through things after the fact. He acknowledges my feelings and admits when he hasn't handled things well. But then he went and did this which threw a wrench into things. While this move is very good for him ie financial and a place for his dog, it's not so good for us. So many really good pieces of advice on all sides. How old is he and how old are you? Any chance he is much younger than you? Now normally male and female can live together Platonic, if they are not attracted to each other.But she has feelings, so he is taking advantage of her at best. I suggest give him a deadline to move out. 3 months maybe. If he cant do it, end it.
Author SoccerMom73 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 He is 41 and I'm 43. He has the ability to have a lasting relationship as he and his ex broke up a year ago after 5 years. He was part of raising her kids during that time and is still involved in their lives. He doesn't trust easily and is actually not in a good place in his life depression, anxiety, health and financially. Despite this we really connected. I've been on the dating scene for quite some time and it's been a long time since I felt this kind of connection. And I'm not looking to change or fix him. I do expect my feelings to be important too though. We have spoken about things quite a bit since this happened. He is aware how upset I am as I tore a strip off him. Then I settled down and we talked about it further. Then readdressed it a couple of times since then. He acknowledges that he didn't handle it properly. He feels badly about hurting me but these are just words of course. He has said sorry a number of times but that doesn't change where he is. And he will likely be there for some time so he can pay off some debts. I have been cheated on a few times in different relationships over the years so just the fact he's living with a female, setting aside the fact that she has admitted feelings for him, would bother me. But I'm torn because I want to think that two people of the opposite sex can be just friends but perhaps I'm being naive. He did say when she told him about her feelings that he was angry about it because he liked them being friends and didn't want that to change. But he has said all is back to normal and they aren't and won't ever be more than that. He has mentioned me meeting her but I'm not ready for that as I'm still upset about it all. I don't think I'm in the best frame of mind. But we will see. I don't know yet that I can get past this. If he is willing to put himself first like this and not realize or care how much it would impact me then is this just a likely predictor of future behaviour? Or has he learned anything? Argh...
kendahke Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 If he is willing to put himself first like this and not realize or care how much it would impact me then is this just a likely predictor of future behaviour? Or has he learned anything? Only time will tell if what he says is consistent with how he acts. How he's handled this tells me that he doesn't trust you enough with his truth yet. 3 months may just be too soon for him to have developed the requisite amount of trust in you. There are two schools of thought that reside in human nature: 1. Be open and upfront at the start and let the chips fall where they might 2. Put the other person on a "need to know" basis--and you'll know after the fact when what they've done falls out in the open for all to see. They'd rather do damage control after the fact than to say up front what they've decided to do. He sounds like he subscribes to the latter of these two. He might have some great qualities, but you must proceed with him knowing that his mindset is #2 and this might not be the last time he does this, unless you speak up and tell him that on things such as this, it's far better for him to be upfront rather than to be deceitful/lie by omission.
frus69 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 He is 41 and I'm 43. He has the ability to have a lasting relationship as he and his ex broke up a year ago after 5 years. He was part of raising her kids during that time and is still involved in their lives. He doesn't trust easily and is actually not in a good place in his life depression, anxiety, health and financially. Despite this we really connected. I've been on the dating scene for quite some time and it's been a long time since I felt this kind of connection. And I'm not looking to change or fix him. I do expect my feelings to be important too though. We have spoken about things quite a bit since this happened. He is aware how upset I am as I tore a strip off him. Then I settled down and we talked about it further. Then readdressed it a couple of times since then. He acknowledges that he didn't handle it properly. He feels badly about hurting me but these are just words of course. He has said sorry a number of times but that doesn't change where he is. And he will likely be there for some time so he can pay off some debts. I have been cheated on a few times in different relationships over the years so just the fact he's living with a female, setting aside the fact that she has admitted feelings for him, would bother me. But I'm torn because I want to think that two people of the opposite sex can be just friends but perhaps I'm being naive. He did say when she told him about her feelings that he was angry about it because he liked them being friends and didn't want that to change. But he has said all is back to normal and they aren't and won't ever be more than that. He has mentioned me meeting her but I'm not ready for that as I'm still upset about it all. I don't think I'm in the best frame of mind. But we will see. I don't know yet that I can get past this. If he is willing to put himself first like this and not realize or care how much it would impact me then is this just a likely predictor of future behaviour? Or has he learned anything? Argh... Do you think it's worth it to live your life so stressed over this guy? or maybe be single and care free isnt so bad? Do you have to have a man in your life? You need to completely stop worrying about him and her, because maybe she has moved on and doesn't like him anymore. Or if you can't convince yourself that,just leave, because He is not giving you any actions. Please dont keep whinging yet still be with him. You are just torturing yourself. 1
Author SoccerMom73 Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Yes kendahke, you're right. Time will tell. Frus69, no I don't think it's healthy living in a relationship that is mostly stressful. And I don't need a man in my life. I've been single for much of my life though and to find a strong connection where you just feel very drawn to a person, is rare. For me anyways.. So I'm hesitant to throw this away without giving it a fair chance. I just found out he moved in with her 3 days ago so it's still kind of fresh. But in the end if I can't get over it or it doesn't feel right, I'll leave. 1
Popsicle Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Sounds like he's fiercely independent and doesn't want to live with a gf or wife. This is what you're dealing with so don't expect too much. 1
Deidre Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 The fact that he didn't tell you is the biggest red flag, in addition to moving in with his friend who has feelings for him. I'd end it, go no contact, and after you have healed ...date men who are always honest. And who wouldn't treat you like your feelings don't matter. Plus, he should know better, it's going to be leading the girl on by moving in with her. I highly suggest ending things with him. Sorry this happened, though. It sucks being lied to, or feeling like the person you care for isn't being straight with you.
todreaminblue Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 hey soccor mum it is really fresh if could suggest and advise you i would write that you should consider not making any decisions in regards to leaving while you are confused and highly emotive.....three days....is like a breath of air to make a break up decision..you need a gust.....to make a calm and informed decision..and be truly convicted in your decision i really hope whatever happens whatever decision you make its right for you and for him and you can move forward happy together...or apart.........good luck...deb
frus69 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 what does this female friend look like? She never met her. . I think she should meet her though. And find out if they ever tried dating each other, or ever hooked up. Or maybe she will discover that the female friend is very ugly?
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 She never met her. . I think she should meet her though. And find out if they ever tried dating each other, or ever hooked up. Or maybe she will discover that the female friend is very ugly? She has probably seen pictures...unless the friend is extremely unattractive, there is temptation. She doesn't have to be hot.
kendahke Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Looks are in the eye of the beholder. I seriously doubt OP is going to praise her looks. Besides, this guy may think his friend is gorgeous, but if she doesn't meet other criteria of his, she's not going to get a serious shot. Perhaps for younger people who tend to be way more superficial than older people the importance of looks might be true. It all depends upon what goes along with the exterior package--like the less attractive woman may know how to treat a particular man well and that's what that particular man is looking for. The better looking woman may be selfish and doesn't compromise on anything... and to the man in question, that may be an extremely unattractive quality and a deal breaker.
Author SoccerMom73 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 I don't feel what she looks like makes a difference. I've seen a glimpse of a silly picture she had sent him some time ago. I know she would like to lose 80 lbs according to my bf. But fact is, I agree with kendahke, it doesn't matter if she gives him something he craves he'll see her as attractive. Plus she's apparently very confident and that's more attractive to most men than anything.
frus69 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 It all depends upon what goes along with the exterior package--like the less attractive woman may know how to treat a particular man well and that's what that particular man is looking for. The better looking woman may be selfish and doesn't compromise on anything... . Or..there is a less attractive woman who treats the man well, and there's that better looking woman who also treats the man well. No doubt who the man will choose. If OP treats her BF well, and the other woman is "fat" (she mentioned losing 80lbs or something?) then maybe OP can relax a bit, at least for now, since she decided to stay. After all there is a reason he never dates her. I assume he never dates her or anything like that.
Recommended Posts