SoccerMom73 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I could really use some objective advice. I've been dating a fellow for 3 months. It started off pretty intense. We would FaceTime every night for 1-2 hours and see each other 2-3 times a week. Multiple texts daily. This lasted a couple of months. Though it has only been three months our connection has felt very strong and I care about him very deeply. We don't talk much about emotions but he has told me I'm special to him. He told me very early on when dating how his good friend, who is female, told him she had feelings for him. They see each other a couple of times a week usually. I wasn't happy about her admission obviously but I appreciated his honesty and he said he didn't and would never have feelings for her that way. Most times I'm ok when he goes to her place for dinner or to fix something but some times it does bother me. I'm trying not to be insecure but when he goes to her for help with things like budgeting or advice etc it does bug me. I've never met her. So yesterday he was quiet during the day and when I asked what he had been up to he said moving. This was a shock as I had no clue. He had been renting a room but had to quickly find a new place when his ex would no longer keep their dog at her home. He moved in with his good female friend. The one who has said she has feelings for him. He had known for a few days but didn't tell me or think to discuss. So I was and am quite upset. I can't believe he wouldn't at least discuss this first. He acknowledges he should have said something but said it is the best move for him as it will be cheap and now he has his dog. I don't think I can get past it and I'm wondering if I'm being fair or if I'm being insecure. Plus we have only been together 3 months. But the idea that he will go home each night to this woman really bothers me. I'm not sure what to do or If I'm being oversensitive. Any advice would be appreciated.
Tressugar Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Dump him! He's already playing games. He could have told you about the pending move and to remove all doubt from you he could have introduced the two of you, but he chose not to do neither. I'm telling you this isn't good. 11
basil67 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 It would appear that this man likes to put his own needs and desires above those of others. I'm sure that most posters will comment on how his actions impact you - and their posts would be correct. But I'm also going to mention how thoughtless he is with this female friend. Staying really close friends with someone who has feelings for us is selfish and cruel. How can she ever move on when he's seeing her so often. He's being extraordinarily unfair to both of you. Edited to add: have you ever met her? 2
Tressugar Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I agree with basil, he's a master manipulator. And what usually is a cousin to manipulation is narcissism. Think about it. 2
viatori patuit Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Personally, I would wait it out a bit. After three months you might be special, but it is possible that he simply is still used to operating on his own. I see he told you that you were special- well maybe he is worried about that. Should he asked to move I. With you? Maybe he is looking for something temporary because he is thinking just that. I have no idea really. You might though. If you don't trust him or he is lying then you should dump him regardless of where he lives. If you really care about him it might be worth a week or two of observation.
act00 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 You're not being overly-sensitive. Even erasing this situation with the friend, how was it not mentioned that he's moving? I can understand downplaying life circumstances and dramas to a new girl/boy, but moving takes considerable time and it's a hassle and takes over your life, and there was no mere mention of it? And then there's the girl who likes the boy, and now they're living together. I wouldn't take it well either, so you're not alone on this one. I agree with Basil67. You should have met his friend before this. Something is amiss. There's something really wrong with the fact that a huge life event wasn't even mentioned until you prompted him for answers as a result of his sulking, and add insult to injury, there are romantic feelings from this new roommate as well. I don't think he's a keeper. 4
dumbass2 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I would definitely have a talk about what his plans are to find another place. If he sounds firm that this situation will only be for a few weeks, then hold him to it and see how it goes. If he seems to not really have another plan or desire to find another place, I would let him know that while you trust him, you will not be able to continue seeing him because of her feelings towards him. It would be asking way to much for you to try and tolerate that.
amaysngrace Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 They're going to bang if they don't already which they probably do. 6
Tressugar Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Now that gives me an ideal. Maybe I can ask the guy I'm crushing on, who has a gf, to move in with me. I wonder if he'll go for it. 2
Ieris Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I'm afraid I have to disagree with others and think you're overreacting. You're focusing too much on her having feelings for him but he has already turned her down so what more do you want him to do..? Lose his good friend over you? I don't think so. His circumstances changed and he needed to find a place quickly so he turned to a friend. That's really how it is but if you want to think more is happening then that's just imaginary stuff in your head. If it makes you uncomfortable then voice your concerns to him but don't jump to conclusions. 2
frus69 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Are you guys in an established relationship now? BF and GF now? Exclusive now? If no, you can't tell him what to do, but it shows he doesnt care much about your feelings. you can move on. If yes, he needs to dial down his friendship because he is now in a relationship. Plus he is stringing his friend alone and he doesnt care. you can move on
theflan Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I would say good bye. I know if you like him that may be hard to do. 3 months may not be an eternity but is long enough not to be treated like that. This seems to be causing you enough suffering to make it stop. I would never do this to a woman and I could never trust a woman again if she did it to me. I had a similar issue a few years ago and held on for awhile but I was always miserable. Instead of focusing on a relationship I was obsessed with what would happen next.
Joga_31 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I could really use some objective advice. I've been dating a fellow for 3 months. It started off pretty intense. We would FaceTime every night for 1-2 hours and see each other 2-3 times a week. Multiple texts daily. This lasted a couple of months. Though it has only been three months our connection has felt very strong and I care about him very deeply. We don't talk much about emotions but he has told me I'm special to him. He told me very early on when dating how his good friend, who is female, told him she had feelings for him. They see each other a couple of times a week usually. I wasn't happy about her admission obviously but I appreciated his honesty and he said he didn't and would never have feelings for her that way. Most times I'm ok when he goes to her place for dinner or to fix something but some times it does bother me. I'm trying not to be insecure but when he goes to her for help with things like budgeting or advice etc it does bug me. I've never met her. So yesterday he was quiet during the day and when I asked what he had been up to he said moving. This was a shock as I had no clue. He had been renting a room but had to quickly find a new place when his ex would no longer keep their dog at her home. He moved in with his good female friend. The one who has said she has feelings for him. He had known for a few days but didn't tell me or think to discuss. So I was and am quite upset. I can't believe he wouldn't at least discuss this first. He acknowledges he should have said something but said it is the best move for him as it will be cheap and now he has his dog. I don't think I can get past it and I'm wondering if I'm being fair or if I'm being insecure. Plus we have only been together 3 months. But the idea that he will go home each night to this woman really bothers me. I'm not sure what to do or If I'm being oversensitive. Any advice would be appreciated. My girlfriend moved in with another guy and I hated the idea. So I kind of know where you are getting at. But my gf does not think her roommate is attractive and she has no feeling for him. In your case your bf said she has feelings for him and he seems to see her often, which is odd. I totally would dump him. PLEASE PLEASE do not compromise with him. He will take advantage of this. I wish you well I really hope you do the right thing. 2
KBob Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 He knows this woman has feelings for him and he tells you he's moving in with her AFTER he moves in with her!? Very deceitful things happening here. You can stay with him, but expect more of this. I, however, would walk away. 3
Joga_31 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 He knows this woman has feelings for him and he tells you he's moving in with her AFTER he moves in with her!? Very deceitful things happening here. You can stay with him, but expect more of this. I, however, would walk away. yea imagine she comes in one day, and this guy is busting his nuts all over her. This situation can totally be avoided.
harrybrown Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Danger ahead. Danger behind. Danger all around. This does not sound good to me. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 You are not over reacting. You can give it a few weeks if you like but this woman's close proximity is going to give her all the opportunity she needs to change his mind about how he sees her. It's a losing proposition for you. Don't beg him to change his mind or more. Acknowledge his choice for what it is, a choice, & move on with your dignity in tact. 1
smackie9 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 If there is something going on with them, no one can prove it at this time BUT he is showing his true colours. He is deceitful, and disrespectful.....all his actions are inappropriate for someone that is in a committed relationship. This guy has no boundaries whatsoever. This is what you would call a DEALBREAKER. If you accept, all you are doing is enabling him to continue making decisions like this behind your back. If he was a decent person, he would have gone to you for advice to find a proper solution to his dilemma, and that's if he was telling you the truth. Sorry but this is grounds for a breakup. Kick his sorry ass to the curb....hopefully he can learn from it. 2
hindsight2021 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I agree with many of the posts on here and think this could be due to a few different scenarios: 1) He is very manipulative and is trying to get you to feel off center so he can better control you. or 2) He isn't treating the relationship the two of your have with respect (already), which means he may not be taking it too seriously. or 3) He wants you to feel jealous/insecure, so you end up giving him more attention or more of whatever it is he wants in exchange for security, which should be freely given in a relationship, not an exchange for it. Or he'll give you the illusion of it... or 4) He is playing both you and this other girl he is only friends with who is emotionally suports and foxes things for. or 5) Communication isn't that important to him in relationship and he "just didn't know any better" In any case, don't make excuses for him, and don't doubt yourself. This situation sounds sketchy, and he sounds inconsiderate. Words and actions are two different things. If they don't match in a person, that means something is up with that person.... and generally means the observer will end up feeling a great deal of loss at some point while still trying to understand it. At least talk to him about your feelings. If you sense at any point he is using your own feelings against you, or you start to feel confused, run.
Joga_31 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 If there is something going on with them, no one can prove it at this time BUT he is showing his true colours. He is deceitful, and disrespectful.....all his actions are inappropriate for someone that is in a committed relationship. This guy has no boundaries whatsoever. This is what you would call a DEALBREAKER. If you accept, all you are doing is enabling him to continue making decisions like this behind your back. If he was a decent person, he would have gone to you for advice to find a proper solution to his dilemma, and that's if he was telling you the truth. Sorry but this is grounds for a breakup. Kick his sorry ass to the curb....hopefully he can learn from it. yeah I think if smackie9 is telling you this, you should listen. She is quite open and tolerant in relationships and gives people their space and trust from what I have seen her post. She has made me reflect on stuff I have posted before. so it would be wise to follow her advice. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 No no no. Just no. Sharing a place with one person of the opposite sex is very intimate. It's a different dynamic if there are more people living there. But one person? As a point of reference, I have hooked up with every male roommate I had. It was just natural. But then again, I would be too creeped out to live alone with a man I found physically repulsive so there was some attraction to begin with (on my side). I never even went out of my way to seduce them. I am just talking about sitting on the couch in my sweatpants. I don't have male roommates anymore.
bachdude Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) There is such a thing called temptation; you know, that allure to do something we all know we shouldn't. Yeah, that's what he is inviting into his life while expecting you to just accept it and hope he has an iron will. Why be in this situation? I say bump his arse. Edited April 2, 2017 by bachdude 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 There is such a thing called temptation; you know, that allure to do something we all know we shouldn't. Yeah, that's what he is inviting into his life while expecting you to just accept it and hope he has an iron will. Why be in this situation? I say bump his arse. My dad always told me that he never cheated not because he is a great man,but he never put himself in the position to be tempted. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) i would take one day at a time......reassure him that if this said friend made a move to please be honest always and that if she made a move then it would not be good for him to stay there ..and that i woudl help him find an alternative where his dog and him could be happy.....i would ask him to always be honest and i would always be honest with how i felt with him.....that next time he should not hesitate or feel he cant tell me things....that i am resilient and ill listen....and that i could have helped him find accomodation if he needed it sounds like he needed to find a place pretty fast.....he has responsibilities to look after his animal and himself as well.....if he had never told you this gf has designs then thats another matter ...but he did and for this reason i am bending to the fact eh is honest in his relationships.....as far as budgeting advice goes...if he goes to this girl for budgeting advice i find that non threatening..fi eh were to be asking what is the best position for climaxing i would be more concerned.... worried.... i feel an introduction is needed.....between you and his female room mate.....and he needs to be clear with his room mate he is in a committed relationship with you .....by introducing you as his gf.....from the very beginning....... i wouldnt leave the guy who needed to find accommodation fast.....i would be happy he wasnt homeless with a dog.....and that he didnt expect to move in with me.....that he was proactive in finding his own accommodation......and i would invite him to my home often for dinner.....smilin..so i am the cook...that keeps his heart.....i would also buy him a pot plant......and deliver it personally the first time i met the room mate....and make it clear visually...in a non threatening way...my pot plant and i ....are with him in spirit if not physically.......ok i am weird....but ...i am pro active.......deb Edited April 2, 2017 by todreaminblue
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