ridden Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I have never done this before, but I am confused and do not know what to do. I'm married X 9 years. My husband and I came from very different backgrounds. We fell in love and got married. We have 2 kids, both under the age of 6. Our children are wonderful, we live in a nice home, we both have good jobs and drive nice cars. The problem is that I have a very serious attraction to a man that I work with. I feel guilty and ashamed and I don't know what to do. I have not told my husband, nor the man to whom I have these feelings. I am in marriage counseling with my husband, but I am afraid that despite the help, I cant stop thinking about this other person. I think of him all of the time. I am falling in love with him. I am flirting, and I believe that he has feelings for me. These feelings I have for him are unlike anything that I have felt before. I believe that we could have a wonderful fulfilling realtionship. I have this serious notion that the two of us could be very happy and that if I stay where I am I am losing what I believe is a chance at real happiness. I love my children and I do love my husband but I I am not in love with him anymore. My mom told me when we got married that eventually I would get bored of him and I am afraid that she is right. She felt terribly that I was settling - I was marrying someone stable rather than someone who would be my soul mate. I fought that, I believed at the time that my mom was projecting and being UN-supportive. I thought that it was selfish of her and that I was going to prove her wrong. I have never hated her being right more than I do now.I love my children and this would devastate them. I also know that I could pursue my dream and have a more meaningful relationship. I am so depressed, crying, feeling so badly that I have fallen for someone and am with someone else. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Merin Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Keep in mind that ALL Long Term relationships get repetative. The Honeymoon Phase doesn't last in ANY relationship. While You may feel you're falling in Love with this other Guy I would guess that it is more infatuation than it is real Love. He isn't aware of your feelings, the 2 of you (I'm assuming) don't hang out outside of work, you have zero idea how he would feel about being in a relationship with someone who's got 2 little people who aren't his... the list goes on and on. Marriage isn't easy, Relationships aren't easy... but trading in out of boredom shouldn't IMO be an option. Even if you ended your marriage there isn't any gaurantee you would end up with this other Guy, and even if you did... there will come a time in that relationship as well (or any other relationship you may choose to persue) that things will get repetative and/or boring.. it's then that you really have to dig down and work at keeping the love that you have... My 2 cent's... Good Luck with whatever you decide
cranium Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I feel guilty and ashamed and I don't know what to do. I have not told my husband, nor the man to whom I have these feelings. I am in marriage counseling with my husband, but I am afraid that despite the help, I cant stop thinking about this other person. I think of him all of the time. I am falling in love with him. I am flirting, and I believe that he has feelings for me. These feelings I have for him are unlike anything that I have felt before. Why not tell your husband of your attraction to this other man in MC? We are human and attractions to others are likely, no matter how much we love our SO. You and your H should communicate about these attractions and discuss how that makes each of you feel. If you can talk openly and honestly you may be able to avoid the devastating aftermath that awaits you if you act on that attraction. Whatever you do, don't tell OM. I agree with Merin; your infatuated. Even if your H does not know about your feelings, he will be hurt. You are robbing your marriage of energy and intimacy. I do love my husband but I I am not in love with him anymore. I think I'm going to hurl!! I heard the same thing from MW during her A. The book The Five Love Languages has a chapter on the 'in love' phenomenon. Read other threads here such as DazednConfused http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ ThumbingMyWay http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=57894 or mine http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/. Search for posts by Ladyjane14 and LucreziaBorgia; these awesome women give excellent advice and you are certain to find scenarios much like your's.
Sal Paradise Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 First off you need to talk to your husband. Tell him everything. Then you need to quit this job. If I was in your husbands position I would demand you do it or I'd leave. Actually you should go ahead and quit the job before you even tell him, it will show him you're serious about the two of you. You can never have contact with this guy again or the crush will never go away. Staying in contact will also hurt your husband. So no more contact at all, no phone calls, text messages, emails etc. And then after all of that you should both see a marriage counsellor. If you love your husband there is no reason you can't make the marriage everything you want it to be. I got news for you, no matter who you end up with you will eventually be back in the same situation you're in now. You have to work at long term relationships. Even with a soul mate you have to work at it. Love is never easy. The grass is not greener on the other side. If you leave your husband over this you will regret it and your kids will hate you. Stop being selfish and lazy, put some effort into the relationship. The other man is a fantasy. Thats it. Nothing more, nothing less. Wake up and smell the manure. You, your husband and your children deserve better than this.
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