DlP Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 You see I found out that my wife was having an affair with my sister husband as well.* My sister and her husband found a way to forgive and stay together.* I was happy for them and had forgiven her husband for the betrayal he caused my sister. They decided that it was best for them to leave the small city that they were living in and pick up roots and restart in a new unfamiliar town. The day they were taking there final load of furniture was the day my wife declared to me that her and him had had relations in the past. I almost couldn't beleive what I was hearing and decided that it was best for me to just leave the home. What troubles me now is what i should do with this information.* It's not clear to me why my wife waited to that day.* Maybe she is mourning the loss of her affair, maybe she felt we could move on now that they had left the city, or maybe she just couldn't bear the guilt any longer. She has told me that the affair only consisted of sexting, back and forth nude photo's and 1 time pick up from her when he called from the bar (she assured me nothing physically happened).* All of this I am struggling with and honestly do not want all of the details.* Do I tell my sister that some serious boundaries have been crossed?* Would it do more good than harm?* Doing so will drag my wife of 17 years through the mud.* I don't feel she deserves this but I also do not what my sister to be hurt by not knowing what her husband had done.
Telemachus Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I wouldn't consider that an affair, but you are free to draw your own conclusion and apply your own definitions. Your wife did nothing with your brother-in-law that could give her or you an STD, nor anything that could get her pregnant. You need to renegotiate the terms of "fidelity" and "foresaking all others" with her, and discuss boundaries to come to clear agreement. Write it down, and both of you should keep copies of what you've agreed to. Beyond that, I don't see that what your wife did was bad, unless you already had a clear and explicit agreement with her to the contrary. Sexting isn't sex; it's text messaging. Nude picutres are just pictures. You've never seen any woman nude in person or in pictures but your wife? A "yes" answer would place you far outside the norm.
preraph Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Your sister may or may not know, but I would tell her, but do tell her the extent of it. You all may never know if it went as far as sex or not, but I hope not. This is a terrible boundary for your brother in law and wife to cross. It affects so many people. Counseling might help. I'm sorry. 2
somanymistakes Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 You should probably go ahead and tell her. On the one hand it doesn't change much for your sister's situation, if she already knows her husband was cheating on her with someone else and was already trying to deal with it, and they've already moved away so the husband is not in regular contact with your wife. On the other hand, this is within the family. If she and her husband reconcile, and you and your wife reconcile, at some point there's going to be a family gathering and these two are going to encounter each other again. It is probably best for your sister to know that there's a possible issue there. Even if they never had sex, the fact that they're in-laws and they were flirting makes everything complicated. 1
harrybrown Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Tell you sister. And do not sweep this under the rug. What would your wife do if you did this? Would she file for D? She needs some boundaries. What happens when she does this the next time? She was supposed to have your back, not stick a knife in it. Have her take the knife out of your back, by having her write a timeline of all of the A. Where did your brother in law post her pictures on the internet? Does your wife know that answer? Have her take a polly on the her timeline and how many other affairs has she had? Have her pay for you to go to affair-recovery.com.
road Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 You must tell your sister. Next you can not believe your WW that there was no sex. Classic WW trickle truthing were they will admit partial truth to appear they are now being truthful. Your WW confessed out of fear that OM may tell your sister and then she will tell you. Or WW confessed out of guilt. Or both. WW's will only confess to what their BH knows. Being that you know nothing more your WW will maintain that she has told you every thing. 1
QuietDan Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Well, this is a fine mess. It's good that your wife confessed as much as she did. It is hard to say what her motives were. Probable multiple motives. No telling if it was the whole truth. It was probable a fairly white washed sanitized version of what really happened. At the very least, this is an emotional affair with cyber sex. Most consider that cheating and betrayal. You need to find out if she wants to recover, restore, repair the relationship between you two. If so, she should be fully transparent and willing to give you full access to all of her electronic devices and whatever social media accounts and email accounts that she has. If she isn't willing to be fully transparent, no telling what the whole truth is and what is really going on. However, it does mean that she is probable not to serious about your relationship and repairing the marriage. Usually there is a lot more.
QuietDan Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 This really should be under the infidelity forum. So much of what you are going through and will be going through is stuff that is related to the infidelity. There are a number of individuals that regularly visit that forum that have a great deal of very useful knowledge, background, and experience related to this. Learn what is useful, helpful, and applies to your situation. Some of the stuff is good, some of it not so good. So, ignore what isn't good or helpful. There are a lot of Betrayed Spouses, and Wayward Spouses, and Former Wayward Spouses. They seem to have a lot of good in-site. Good luck with all of this.
Author DlP Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Thank you all for the responses. I do agree, right now I am not hearing the full story. The trickle truth is probably happening. After 20 years of marriage one can just tell. She is sparing me the details because it's just too much for me. She feels like she stepped out therfore it happened regad less of the details. My sister has decided that her relationship is worth salvaging. That's enough for me. If I give her the opportunity to know what I know it will ruin 11 people's lives in an unrepairable way. I am inclined to spare my wife the humiliation that would come if I let things out about the brother in law. She has her plate full. We have 2 kids that I failed to mention that couldn't handle something like this getting out. I do not want my wifes character dragged through the mud on this point. I had some part to play in her stepping out of the marriage. Regarding the comment about setting boundaries in the relationship. That my friend was not happening on both side and I really appreciate the advice. Thank you. There is no chance of my wife and I of getting back together therfore why kick the hornets nest so to speak. This may not be the approach anyone would take but I see no other alternative. Sorry that I may posted this in the wrong category in the forum. This post was kinda just thrown out in general. Moderators please move this post as you see fit. Thanks all.
preraph Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Well you sound a lot more comfortable in your convictions in your last post than in your first one. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you accept whatever small part you played in things falling apart. But hey, at least you didn't sleep with one of her family, right? So you can eventually sleep at night.
Author DlP Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Well you sound a lot more comfortable in your convictions in your last post than in your first one. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you accept whatever small part you played in things falling apart. But hey, at least you didn't sleep with one of her family, right? So you can eventually sleep at night. That's right. Thank you. Sleep would be nice.
Marc878 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Thank you all for the responses. I do agree, right now I am not hearing the full story. The trickle truth is probably happening. After 20 years of marriage one can just tell. She is sparing me the details because it's just too much for me. She feels like she stepped out therfore it happened regad less of the details. My sister has decided that her relationship is worth salvaging. That's enough for me. If I give her the opportunity to know what I know it will ruin 11 people's lives in an unrepairable way. I am inclined to spare my wife the humiliation that would come if I let things out about the brother in law. She has her plate full. We have 2 kids that I failed to mention that couldn't handle something like this getting out. I do not want my wifes character dragged through the mud on this point. I had some part to play in her stepping out of the marriage. Regarding the comment about setting boundaries in the relationship. That my friend was not happening on both side and I really appreciate the advice. Thank you. There is no chance of my wife and I of getting back together therfore why kick the hornets nest so to speak. This may not be the approach anyone would take but I see no other alternative. Sorry that I may posted this in the wrong category in the forum. This post was kinda just thrown out in general. Moderators please move this post as you see fit. Thanks all. Did you file for divorce?
Marc878 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 You see I found out that my wife was having an affair with my sister husband as well.* My sister and her husband found a way to forgive and stay together.* I was happy for them and had forgiven her husband for the betrayal he caused my sister. They decided that it was best for them to leave the small city that they were living in and pick up roots and restart in a new unfamiliar town. The day they were taking there final load of furniture was the day my wife declared to me that her and him had had relations in the past. I almost couldn't beleive what I was hearing and decided that it was best for me to just leave the home. What troubles me now is what i should do with this information.* It's not clear to me why my wife waited to that day.* Maybe she is mourning the loss of her affair, maybe she felt we could move on now that they had left the city, or maybe she just couldn't bear the guilt any longer. She has told me that the affair only consisted of sexting, back and forth nude photo's and 1 time pick up from her when he called from the bar (she assured me nothing physically happened).* All of this I am struggling with and honestly do not want all of the details.* Do I tell my sister that some serious boundaries have been crossed?* Would it do more good than harm?* Doing so will drag my wife of 17 years through the mud.* I don't feel she deserves this but I also do not what my sister to be hurt by not knowing what her husband had done. An emotional affair with contact is almost always a physical affair. She's probably only telling you enough so that when you find out she can cover for herself. I'd bet your sister knows and was/is going to inform you after they relocate. That maybe a big reason for the relocation. To get him away from your wife.
kgcolonel Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Why not take the BIL to a private place and let him know that if he ever hurts your sister again, you'll blow up his world....you don't have to drag your ex or kick the next just let him know that you know what a sleaze he really is and he's on the radar.
BluesPower Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Your wife had an affair with your BL. Does your sister think it was all just an EA? The post is a little confusing. Or is that when she confessed the affair to you? Just curious... First, lets start at the basics: 1) Tell your sister. It is the right thing to do? 2) Your wife has slept with your BL. She is lying. All of them TT in the beginning. 3) Your wife's character does need to be questioned, BECAUSE it is questionable. 4) You need to understand what is actually going on. You are putting your head in the sand and doing yourself a disservice. 5) At the very least, you need to schedule a polygraph for your wife and spring it on her right before the appointment so she cannot prepare for it. You are buying all the standard s*** that WS try and pull when the affair comes out. You are being foolish.
Author DlP Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Did you file for divorce? No I can't. There are laws in Canada that prevent filing early on in a when 2 people separate.
Author DlP Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 An emotional affair with contact is almost always a physical affair. She's probably only telling you enough so that when you find out she can cover for herself. I'd bet your sister knows and was/is going to inform you after they relocate. That maybe a big reason for the relocation. To get him away from your wife. Agreed that it's was part of the reason to relocate. My sister does not know. This I am cerrain. Agreed that it was probably physical.
Author DlP Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Your wife had an affair with your BL. Does your sister think it was all just an EA? The post is a little confusing. Or is that when she confessed the affair to you? Just curious... First, lets start at the basics: 1) Tell your sister. It is the right thing to do? 2) Your wife has slept with your BL. She is lying. All of them TT in the beginning. 3) Your wife's character does need to be questioned, BECAUSE it is questionable. 4) You need to understand what is actually going on. You are putting your head in the sand and doing yourself a disservice. 5) At the very least, you need to schedule a polygraph for your wife and spring it on her right before the appointment so she cannot prepare for it. You are buying all the standard s*** that WS try and pull when the affair comes out. You are being foolish. Thank you for your honestly. I don't get the poly graph as I have no reason to beleive my wife is lying about whom she had relationships with. It would be cool to see one of these machines in action but not how much more info it would tell me.
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