Hamsterminator Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Ok, so I met a great girl a few weeks ago on a night out, we flirted a lot and I got her number. I arranged a date shortly afterwards and by date number two, things were going really well. She came to my place and one thing led to another and into the bedroom. Without going into detail shortly before getting fully into... it, she sat upright, apologised, and ran to the bathroom grabbing her clothes and then called a taxi. Apart from feeling hugely confused and humiliated, I felt like I must have said or done something wrong. We talked a bit awkwardly and kissed a bit while she waited, but I was still pretty shocked, and frankly tried to avoid asking wtf just happened. This was because I still believed it was something I must have done wrong. She left, we sent a handful of messages and I said I was probably going too fast and if she wanted a casual get together just for drinks she could get in touch on her terms, fully expecting not to hear from her again. She came back to me a few days later asking if we could try going out on a date again, and I said yes. Despite me wanting to take things slowly, she came over again that date, insisting this time she wasn't going to freak out, and we had a great night together. Date 4 went well, then date 5 again ended at my place, we were having sex then she again apologises and walks out. It was like she went from total relaxation to having sudden horror in her eyes- as though she was seeing me as someone else for a moment. She had her car this time and left straight away without saying another word except to message me apologising and saying she didn't want to pull me into a "head **** situation" her end. I'm writing this here because I just wonder if anyone else has seen or heard anything like this? She's mid 20s, doesn't do any drugs or excess alcohol, seems totally sound of mind, but clearly something is haunting her. My guess is another relationship? I guess all I can/ should do is leave her to make peace with her demons on her terms?
central Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Well, you're either really bad at sex, or she has an issue with sexual intimacy. I suspect it's her, not you. Now, she seems to like you a lot, as she keeps coming back, so I guess the question is, is she worth it to be patient and see where this goes when (and if) she gets comfortable enough to trust you and her to have sex? It could be another relationship, or it could be past abuse. The latter is much more difficult for her to overcome, and if this is the case, requires a huge amount of patience and understanding on your part, with no guarantee that it will be resolved. 2
jgraham11 Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Could be just about anything. She could have intimacy problems (possible virgin), ex-boyfriend problems creeping in her head or she could be imbalanced mentally even. I think the last option is unlikely, but I wouldn't rule it out either. I'm not saying she's a schizophrenic, but she could have bipolar disorder and simply changes her moods quickly without control over them If I had to put my money on it though i'd say it's an intimacy thing. She's probably just a little inexperienced and not ready. She may be moving too fast for herself to appease you and in the process feeling uncomfortable
preraph Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 It's either she is carrying a torch for someone and doesn't feel right messing around or she is cheating on someone or sex is traumatic for her, which can be for all sorts of abuse reasons. I wouldn't rule out something mental that sex triggers a reaction.
act00 Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 If you're close enough to get intimate in the sense of committed relationship, you're close enough to ask her what is going on. She has to explain her behavior. You may need to cut the rope on this one; whatever is going on with her, she is not prepared to be in an intimate relationship, sexually or verbally explaining why she can't participate fully. Things I am thinking about that can cause this: She has been sexually abused in the past (rape or molestation); she has serious qualms due to religious teachings; she has been conditioned that sex is dirty and she's a w*** if she participates in such acts outside of marriage; or she has a boyfriend you are unaware of, and the guilt kicks in strong when it moves towards sex. If this woman is someone you are interested in building a life with (I know it's early, but this is why dating was invented), you need to discuss what is going on. You need to know, so you can decide if you want to stay. Be selfish here. Someone who leaves in the middle of sex, just jumps and runs, has issues. You need to know these issues.
spiderowl Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Her behaviour is bizarre enough that you deserve an explanation. If you had both got as far as getting into bed and undressed with a move towards sex and then she leapt out and went, that is pretty rude. Of course, she doesn't have to have sex - and if she didn't want to go that far she could have just gently said so. Just leaving is a pretty weird way to behave, especially as she came back on a different occasion and appears to like you. Just ask her why she upped and left.
Tressugar Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Why ask why? Just cut your ties with her. It's only been a few weeks. 1
basil67 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 but she could have bipolar disorder and simply changes her moods quickly without control over them Bipolar doesn't involve quick mood changes. 1
5x5 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 This one is broken, so you would do well to let her go. Avoiding crazy is always for the best.
joseb Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 OP, I can relate, maybe top that I think! Once met a girl I'm a bar and she came home, like just you we were about to get fully into to it when she said she needed to use the bathroom. I didn't pay much attention as it was dark, but she must have grabbed her clothes as she "went to the bathroom" as she never came back!! It took a while for me to realise what had happened but when I did I was more amused than anything. Never heard from her again and I didn't contact her either.
Ieris Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 The first thing that came to mind was an anxiety attack but that's just a guess... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 My guess is that she's not single, but that's one of several possibilities. You need to ask her what is going on. After 5 dates, you most certainly deserve some clarification.
Mkn1010 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I actually did what this girl did once to a guy and it was because I got hit with a sudden influx of feelings for someone else I clearly still cared about and then the sex at hand did not feel right. It was incredibly sudden and so prominent that I had do stop then and there and asked the guy to leave. I explained it all to him the next day though and let him move on to someone ready.
Author Hamsterminator Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 Thanks all for the replies. I have a strong feeling she's still in love with someone else. She did mention on a few occasions that she was with someone for a few years and that they had several rough break ups before he left finally left the country only a few months ago. She actually messaged again last night to see if I wanted to meet again. I think I will, If only to ask her what was running through her mind last time. If she comes out and explains things I'll give her one last try, otherwise I think she's going to have to get over this thing in her own time. I understand being caught up over someone else- but it's not ok to treat other people like trash just because you are feeling confused with your emotions.
TheBathWater Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 She sounds like a nutcase. I'd think you dodged a bullet if you didn't see her again.
coolheadal Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) Ok, so I met a great girl a few weeks ago on a night out, we flirted a lot and I got her number. I arranged a date shortly afterwards and by date number two, things were going really well. She came to my place and one thing led to another and into the bedroom. Without going into detail shortly before getting fully into... it, she sat upright, apologised, and ran to the bathroom grabbing her clothes and then called a taxi. Apart from feeling hugely confused and humiliated, I felt like I must have said or done something wrong. We talked a bit awkwardly and kissed a bit while she waited, but I was still pretty shocked, and frankly tried to avoid asking wtf just happened. This was because I still believed it was something I must have done wrong. She left, we sent a handful of messages and I said I was probably going too fast and if she wanted a casual get together just for drinks she could get in touch on her terms, fully expecting not to hear from her again. She came back to me a few days later asking if we could try going out on a date again, and I said yes. Despite me wanting to take things slowly, she came over again that date, insisting this time she wasn't going to freak out, and we had a great night together. Date 4 went well, then date 5 again ended at my place, we were having sex then she again apologises and walks out. It was like she went from total relaxation to having sudden horror in her eyes- as though she was seeing me as someone else for a moment. She had her car this time and left straight away without saying another word except to message me apologising and saying she didn't want to pull me into a "head **** situation" her end. I'm writing this here because I just wonder if anyone else has seen or heard anything like this? She's mid 20s, doesn't do any drugs or excess alcohol, seems totally sound of mind, but clearly something is haunting her. My guess is another relationship? I guess all I can/ should do is leave her to make peace with her demons on her terms? She's not 100% mentally and emotionally stable in the mind. Plus she's having a lot of fun with you because you give into her wants and needs when she contacts you. You tolerate her because you love her attention and the sex. No matter what she does you're okay with it. She's only 20 years old not consider a full adult at age 21, an even if her past is the cause of this behavior you just have to deal with it. Ask yourself these questions? Do you really want what she as to offer you? Are you really happy with her? Do you like the fact she can leave on you like a drop of a dime? Your never going to be happy with her, but for now she's getting her needs from you and then leaves. Goes to another guy or gal (just never know) But lets assume that is what's going on here. You see her patterns you see what she's doing. Is she that HOT! Do you want her that much? Edited April 2, 2017 by coolheadal
Redhead14 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Ok, so I met a great girl a few weeks ago on a night out, we flirted a lot and I got her number. I arranged a date shortly afterwards and by date number two, things were going really well. She came to my place and one thing led to another and into the bedroom. Without going into detail shortly before getting fully into... it, she sat upright, apologised, and ran to the bathroom grabbing her clothes and then called a taxi. Apart from feeling hugely confused and humiliated, I felt like I must have said or done something wrong. We talked a bit awkwardly and kissed a bit while she waited, but I was still pretty shocked, and frankly tried to avoid asking wtf just happened. This was because I still believed it was something I must have done wrong. She left, we sent a handful of messages and I said I was probably going too fast and if she wanted a casual get together just for drinks she could get in touch on her terms, fully expecting not to hear from her again. She came back to me a few days later asking if we could try going out on a date again, and I said yes. Despite me wanting to take things slowly, she came over again that date, insisting this time she wasn't going to freak out, and we had a great night together. Date 4 went well, then date 5 again ended at my place, we were having sex then she again apologises and walks out. It was like she went from total relaxation to having sudden horror in her eyes- as though she was seeing me as someone else for a moment. She had her car this time and left straight away without saying another word except to message me apologising and saying she didn't want to pull me into a "head **** situation" her end. I'm writing this here because I just wonder if anyone else has seen or heard anything like this? She's mid 20s, doesn't do any drugs or excess alcohol, seems totally sound of mind, but clearly something is haunting her. My guess is another relationship? I guess all I can/ should do is leave her to make peace with her demons on her terms? Do you know anything about her childhood or dating history? This kind of response to being sexual can be an indicator of past sexual abuse. It's a PTSD response . . . if she's been abused as a child or even an adult, they may be able to push those experiences aside mentally, but the body remembers. When that gets triggered, it's overwhelming.
theflan Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 The questions is...are you really interested in her or just obsessed whit why she is doing this. If you truly care for her than ask why, other wise move on. I am the type that would get obsessed with the why which takes away form the big picture of do I really like her. I would be wondering what I did wrong, which this is not an issue with you, so quit beating yourself up and keep going.
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