Is it cruel to hang out with an ex when they still want you back?

[Eternal Sunshine]

My suggestion is: Don't block him, but ignore. You can do so much better. I know it's hard. I know how disheartening the search can feel. More and more, I'm learning and living that it's all about your own state of mind. You get yourself and your mind in alignment, and amazingness will follow. I sense that you have tremendous potential that is yet unlocked. Keeping yourself in a holding pattern with the likes of this guy is only keeping you stuck. I've never liked him for you. You're so beyond this. You just have to accept the truth of that.

 

Thanks Ruby, I always like your advice

 

All my friends and family have said the same. Usually they push me a little to give guys a chance but with him, every single one of them said "run".

[JuneL]

Thanks Ruby, I always like your advice

 

All my friends and family have said the same. Usually they push me a little to give guys a chance but with him, every single one of them said "run".

 

I remember that you mentioned previously this guy had broken up with his (not yet ex) wife like 15 times. So he really enjoys this mess of dragging a relationship on and on. Is he on therapy?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I remember that you mentioned previously this guy had broken up with his (not yet ex) wife like 15 times. So he really enjoys this mess of dragging a relationship on and on. Is he on therapy?

 

He has been for the last 2 years but I don't think it's helping. It's my beleif that people are rarely able to change who they are the the core, even with legthy and extensive therapy.

 

He is also one of those people that keeps saying how he "hates drama", yet he does everything possible to create it. Breaking up with him would turn off nearly everyone, yet it seems to have only increased his interest. His interest level kept dropping during periods of peace and stability (when I was the happiest).

[Ariadne]

I actually don't like him. Once I found out that who he really is, my interest was gone. I am enjoying being a single again.

 

I will always take being single over being with a bad option. Not everyone thinks like you.

 

You can´t expect to find the perfect guy on a silver platter. That doesn´t happen, only in the movies.

 

The main problem I saw with this guy was that he didn´t seem serious about a relationship. Wasn´t spending enough time with you, flaking, etc.

 

But now he´s been making an effort and showing that he does want you and is willing to work it out.

 

Guys that are fresh out of a marriage or widowed seem to make good partners because they tend to be family guys and can be better catches than singles. Older guys that are single often like to be bachelors and want to stay that way.

[jorgeg3d]

Why don't you go on a couple of dating sites if you're that bored? You're better off finding someone new with some potential then ruining someone's life who's obviously trying to get back with you.

 

Even if you don't want to date, make it clear you're just looking for friendship right now. Again, better option than the latter.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You can´t expect to find the perfect guy on a silver platter. That doesn´t happen, only in the movies.

 

The main problem I saw with this guy was that he didn´t seem serious about a relationship. Wasn´t spending enough time with you, flaking, etc.

But now he´s been making an effort and showing that he does want you and is willing to work it out.

 

Guys that are fresh out of a marriage or widowed seem to make good partners because they tend to be family guys and can be better catches than singles. Older guys that are single often like to be bachelors and want to stay that way.

 

That's the main problem that you saw. Not the main problem that I had by any stretch. I actually never doubted that he is in love with me and wants to stay with me. I never thought he was not serious about me. Flaking and not spending enough time with me had more to do with his poor organizational skills and lack of any schedule in regards to time he spends with his children. The main reson I stayed with him was because he looked at me with so much adoration, like I am some kind of goddess. He was probably most in love with me out of any man I ever dated. And he had both the intellectual and emotional depth I needed. He got me. I always knew that he would be shattered by the break up and will try hard to get me back. His reaction was no suprise to me at all.

 

BUT, there was a truckload of issues that he had, each one of them a could be deal breaker on its own but when combined, was just pure disaster. His ex wife was insane. Not just saying a little crazy, but actually kept tracking me down each time I blocked her on different media and sending me harrassing messages. She did the same to him. She was jelaous as hell and invented constant drama to try and come between us and prevent or interrupt our dates. She used children as pawns. He handled it very poorly, never stood up to her. It wasn't only that she controlled him but through him she controlled me. I can't take that. This psychopath would stay in his life forever due to children. I can't deal with that amount of stress/drama on constant basis. Not to mention that I have to question sanity of someone who could marry and create 2 children with such a person .

 

He was addicted to pot and alcohol. Basically a full blown functional alcoholic that drank about 80% of his waking hours. He held a full time job and wasn't someone you would be able to tell had so many addictions. He was a pleasant, non-violent drunk but a drunk none the less. His body was so accustomed to alcohol that he never appeared drunk. It took me many months to even grasp how bad it was. Just the alcoholism by itself is a huge problem and a mammoth task to get and keep him sober. I am certain that it was also partly causing his sexual issues as well.

 

He was broke and in increasing debt due to paying close to 3 times the required amount of child support because he was unable to say no to his psycho ex (she actually earned more than him). She wanted to keep their children in top private schools even if he ends up living on the streets. He never argued. This would go on for the next 10 years. I am supposed to either live in poverty to match his lifestyle or even worse, bail him out with my money just so that children that are not even mine could go to private schools? No thanks!

 

On paper, he was highly educated, kind, intelligent, charming, had a senior job that he held for 16 years. Scratch behind the surface? All this mess gets uncovered. Staying with him would mean taking on all of those issues on myself as his partner. If faced between a choice of that type of life and never having another date again? I take the latter in a heartbeat.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think my main problem is that I never used to have to make effort to find friends. When I was younger and lived in one place for more than a couple of years, it would all just happen naturally. I am an introvert and my social needs are not that high. Most of the time I got invited to more things than what I was interested in doing/going. I was used to taking zero initiative in that department.

 

Currently, I live in a very insular city away from my family and old friends. That coupled with the life stage I am in, makes me feel the lack of social life acutely. I guess I will really need to make an effort to meet people. I signed up for martial arts classes and am going to make myself go to at least one meet up a week. I only ever went to 2 meet ups in my life and it was because my former roomamte basically dragged me. I just hate walking into places alone. I would love to find a single female friend close to my age

[No_Go]

Having an experience first hand with a "functional" alcoholic - I'd think long and hard before making judgements on his wife. You managed to save yourself from him, she didn't. I won't be shocked if he neglected the kids, was getting into legal trouble or mooching her money [repeatedly in the past years, making her resent him and all the jazz you've seen]. The type of guy that you describe: an addict, pathological liar (he "forgot" to tell you he is MARRIED!) and "victim" ('oh it is my crazy ex') is just the typical conman that I'd advice any woman alive to run the hills from. Oh, and these men are very very good at lovebombing, as you can confirm.

 

... I'm just doubling up on my opinion that meeting up even once, even casually will drag into a complete disaster. Maybe I'm apocalyptic but... Better save than sorry.

 

That's the main problem that you saw. Not the main problem that I had by any stretch. I actually never doubted that he is in love with me and wants to stay with me. I never thought he was not serious about me. Flaking and not spending enough time with me had more to do with his poor organizational skills and lack of any schedule in regards to time he spends with his children. The main reson I stayed with him was because he looked at me with so much adoration, like I am some kind of goddess. He was probably most in love with me out of any man I ever dated. And he had both the intellectual and emotional depth I needed. He got me. I always knew that he would be shattered by the break up and will try hard to get me back. His reaction was no suprise to me at all.

 

BUT, there was a truckload of issues that he had, each one of them a could be deal breaker on its own but when combined, was just pure disaster. His ex wife was insane. Not just saying a little crazy, but actually kept tracking me down each time I blocked her on different media and sending me harrassing messages. She did the same to him. She was jelaous as hell and invented constant drama to try and come between us and prevent or interrupt our dates. She used children as pawns. He handled it very poorly, never stood up to her. It wasn't only that she controlled him but through him she controlled me. I can't take that. This psychopath would stay in his life forever due to children. I can't deal with that amount of stress/drama on constant basis. Not to mention that I have to question sanity of someone who could marry and create 2 children with such a person .

 

He was addicted to pot and alcohol. Basically a full blown functional alcoholic that drank about 80% of his waking hours. He held a full time job and wasn't someone you would be able to tell had so many addictions. He was a pleasant, non-violent drunk but a drunk none the less. His body was so accustomed to alcohol that he never appeared drunk. It took me many months to even grasp how bad it was. Just the alcoholism by itself is a huge problem and a mammoth task to get and keep him sober. I am certain that it was also partly causing his sexual issues as well.

 

He was broke and in increasing debt due to paying close to 3 times the required amount of child support because he was unable to say no to his psycho ex (she actually earned more than him). She wanted to keep their children in top private schools even if he ends up living on the streets. He never argued. This would go on for the next 10 years. I am supposed to either live in poverty to match his lifestyle or even worse, bail him out with my money just so that children that are not even mine could go to private schools? No thanks!

 

On paper, he was highly educated, kind, intelligent, charming, had a senior job that he held for 16 years. Scratch behind the surface? All this mess gets uncovered. Staying with him would mean taking on all of those issues on myself as his partner. If faced between a choice of that type of life and never having another date again? I take the latter in a heartbeat.

[JuneL]

 

He was addicted to pot and alcohol. Basically a full blown functional alcoholic that drank about 80% of his waking hours. He held a full time job and wasn't someone you would be able to tell had so many addictions. He was a pleasant, non-violent drunk but a drunk none the less. His body was so accustomed to alcohol that he never appeared drunk. It took me many months to even grasp how bad it was. Just the alcoholism by itself is a huge problem and a mammoth task to get and keep him sober. I am certain that it was also partly causing his sexual issues as well.

 

 

How is he able to drink when he's at work? Does he spend a lot of money on alcohol? Did you encourage him to seek help for his addiction when you were together?

 

I think No Go has a point when she said that he's lying about the dynamics with his wife (and possibly about where his money goes). Didn't you mention previously that this guy has the habit of telling lies?

[Ariadne]

That's the main problem that you saw. Not the main problem that I had by any stretch..

 

Well, he is just getting divorced. Of course the ex wife is going to be rattled, things take time to settle down. Same as the money. If he makes good money he is not going to be broke forever. Now he is taking the hit, plus you are good with money so you can help him. The alcohol is a problem, maybe with all the troubles it made it worse, but that is up to him to quit really.

 

Ah well, next I suppose.