Ever lose somebody because of outside interference?

[airborne3502]

My parents gave me a gold necklace as a HS graduation present. Shortly afterword, I fell deeply in love with a girl I worked with. I gave her the necklace to wear and told her it was my heart. My time with her was the happiest three years of my life. When she broke up with me, she took off my necklace and started to hand it back to me.

 

I closed it in her hand, and told her my heart stays with her.

 

After about a month, my mom started hounding me to get the necklace back. I adamantly refused, even offering to buy her any necklace she wanted as a replacement.

 

A few weeks later, my necklace appeared in my mailbox in a little Macy's box.

 

That was that, I figured.

 

A couple years back, I briefly corresponded with that ex-girlfriend when her father passed away. Eventually, after the usual pleasantries, we got real. I asked her why she gave me my necklace back. She said she picked up the phone a dozen times to call me, but when my mom called her up and said I wanted my necklace back, she figured that was that. She remembered having to sit down and collect herself when she heard the news.

 

My mom wears that damn necklace to this day with a carousel horse on the end of it.

[EmilyJane]

Well...

 

You didn't really lose her because of outside interference did you sillyhead? You'd broken up already.

 

Plus I bet your mum was really hurt you'd given this significant gift to a girlfriend that she probably imagined being passed down to grandchildren and then it's ended.

 

It's often very difficult for adults to remember to treat teenage relationships with seriousness and respect. Because they have forgotten how intense they are and because they usually are very short lived.

 

Sweetheart, I mean this in all kindness and because I can recognise some of my own impulses - I don't think it's very healthy right now to be looking back with rose coloured lenses on previous girlfriends. Because I think you're at that stage of grieving your break up where you are really feeling that sudden absence of special connection and emotional intimacy. It's at this stage that people usually relapse or rebound and start the whole mess again.

 

Do seek emotional connections right now sure. But plutonically only and especially with friends and family.

 

It will pass. You're not really as alone as it feels when there's not that special someone

[Maldives]

Ye i can relate my mum as well but not wth woman but she use to sabotage alot of my friendships wth people. I remember wen I wss 12 yrs old suddenly for no reason all my mates turned against me and for the life of me i cld never figure out why till I found out why she'd gone over and had it out with a friend's family for some crazy colluded reason. That would o sucked in ure case ull be thinking about forever maybe there's a opportunity to rekindle?

[Altair0770]

Well, for what it's worth, I'm sure a lot of people's dumpers want to contact them, but have their support system stopping them.

[EmilyJane]

Well, for what it's worth, I'm sure a lot of people's dumpers want to contact them, but have their support system stopping them.

 

Well... or they broke up with them for a good reason?

 

Like.. have I been living in an alternate reality where both people are pretty devastated when something ends and everyone else on here is in one where there are these borderline sociopaths called dumpers?

 

God the sheer number of people I know in off and on again or equally as dysfunctional relationships simply repeating because neither can be the adult and pull the trigger or are too afraid of learning to be alone or otherwise dealing with their own bull sufficiently to be able to sustain a healthy relationship.

 

Plus in my experience no one and nothing on earth will stop one ex or other getting in touch if they've managed to lie to themselves sufficiently that the other can fix their pain or whatever.

 

 

 

EDIT:

OMG sorry Airborne. I figured out I completely misunderstood. Color me extremely embarrassed. I've done this like three times already on this board. It will totally happen again too

 

Still. I do think the other bit of my advice holds. Plus the bit about your mum being unable to take it seriously and being hurt at regifting.

 

Why didn't you get back together after you discovered the misunderstanding? And why on earth did she think it was over and how did she break up with you without mentioning it?

Edited April 2, 2017 by EmilyJane

[airborne3502]

Well...

 

You didn't really lose her because of outside interference did you sillyhead? You'd broken up already.

 

Plus I bet your mum was really hurt you'd given this significant gift to a girlfriend that she probably imagined being passed down to grandchildren and then it's ended.

 

It's often very difficult for adults to remember to treat teenage relationships with seriousness and respect. Because they have forgotten how intense they are and because they usually are very short lived.

 

Sweetheart, I mean this in all kindness and because I can recognise some of my own impulses - I don't think it's very healthy right now to be looking back with rose coloured lenses on previous girlfriends. Because I think you're at that stage of grieving your break up where you are really feeling that sudden absence of special connection and emotional intimacy. It's at this stage that people usually relapse or rebound and start the whole mess again.

 

Do seek emotional connections right now sure. But plutonically only and especially with friends and family.

 

It will pass. You're not really as alone as it feels when there's not that special someone

 

I wish my parents had treated that relationship with seriousness and respect.

 

My ex-girlfriend wanted to be with me where I was stationed in the Army. I didn't want her to leave college, and live in a crappy Army town with a private. The Army had my ass, but they damn sure weren't going to get hers.

 

I was thinking geography, and she was thinking "us."

 

She took it as a rejection of her. I wish I had been able to properly communicate what I was thinking and feeling to her back then. I should have just let her be with me, because that was all she wanted.

 

She drank heavily to get through our breakup and married a man she didn't love in order to protect her heart.

 

Know how I learned of her father's passing?

 

I had a dream about it. I Googled his name and read his obituary. I sent a card to her mother, and pretty soon me and the ex started texting each other.

 

Only problem: She was still married.

 

For the record, I never cheated on my ex-wife or any ex-girlfriend. As fate would have it, that opportunity presented itself to me with the great love of my life. I had the opportunity to go to her, and be with her, and have everything I prayed so hard for all those years ago.

 

I didn't.

 

At the end of the day, I have to look in that mirror and like the man looking back at me.

 

We quit talking and her marriage eventually tanked because her husband started thinking he was a prophet of God, and started telling the children the world was ending.

[EmilyJane]

I wish my parents had treated that relationship with seriousness and respect.

 

My ex-girlfriend wanted to be with me where I was stationed in the Army. I didn't want her to leave college, and live in a crappy Army town with a private. The Army had my ass, but they damn sure weren't going to get hers.

 

I was thinking geography, and she was thinking "us."

 

She took it as a rejection of her. I wish I had been able to properly communicate what I was thinking and feeling to her back then. I should have just let her be with me, because that was all she wanted.

 

She drank heavily to get through our breakup and married a man she didn't love in order to protect her heart.

 

Know how I learned of her father's passing?

 

I had a dream about it. I Googled his name and read his obituary. I sent a card to her mother, and pretty soon me and the ex started texting each other.

 

Only problem: She was still married.

 

For the record, I never cheated on my ex-wife or any ex-girlfriend. As fate would have it, that opportunity presented itself to me with the great love of my life. I had the opportunity to go to her, and be with her, and have everything I prayed so hard for all those years ago.

 

I didn't.

 

At the end of the day, I have to look in that mirror and like the man looking back at me.

 

We quit talking and her marriage eventually tanked because her husband started thinking he was a prophet of God, and started telling the children the world was ending.

 

Or you could look at it in light of a lucky escape.

 

We both now know where people who drink heavily to cope with emotional issues lead. They do absolutely not make for happy loving fulfilling partners.

 

You're not ninety and on your deathbed.

You can absolutely not yet say that a drunk you loved at 18 was the love of your life.

It was just the first love.

 

I refuse to allow you to wallow in this romantic post break up sink hole without delivering overly blunt borderline harsh verbal reality checks.

 

And you've got decades and decades to screen more candidates for the title.

 

Reflect, allow some overly rosy memories, remind yourself of a more balanced perspective then do something productive to keep filling up your life.

[airborne3502]

I refuse to allow you to wallow in this romantic post break up sink hole without delivering overly blunt borderline harsh verbal reality checks.

 

Crack that whip!

 

Give the past the slip

[EmilyJane]

Crack that whip!

 

Give the past the slip

 

And apparently in addition to my previous advice also binge country music

 

I know you are hurting. I know what the lonely fear stretching out forever feels like. I have to fight that because I am not working and am now alone in our house. If I gave into it I would really lose.

 

It's ok to indulge in it a little.

 

But then find the emotional connection you're seeking with friends and family.

 

If anyone from your past was the right one they wouldn't be in your past.

Edited April 2, 2017 by EmilyJane

[preraph]

You're going to have learn how to leash your mother before any relationship is going to survive because she is pushy and without boundaries. You need to really stand up to her, and when you get a new woman, you need to always put her first over your mother, once you are committed to her. You can control just about any mother by refusing to see them for some period of time and telling them why. Certainly getting her off your social media is a good first step. And then don't share with her about your next relationship. She can't be trusted.

[Altair0770]

Well... or they broke up with them for a good reason?

 

Like.. have I been living in an alternate reality where both people are pretty devastated when something ends and everyone else on here is in one where there are these borderline sociopaths called dumpers?

 

God the sheer number of people I know in off and on again or equally as dysfunctional relationships simply repeating because neither can be the adult and pull the trigger or are too afraid of learning to be alone or otherwise dealing with their own bull sufficiently to be able to sustain a healthy relationship.

 

Plus in my experience no one and nothing on earth will stop one ex or other getting in touch if they've managed to lie to themselves sufficiently that the other can fix their pain or whatever.

 

 

I do agree with you. I do know both parties get hurt. I do however know that I personally have gone to a support system when I've been close to caving in. You are right, despite everyone telling me I should just let it go and move on, I came back to my ex that dumped me that was doing much more poorly than I (hence why I'm in full NC mode now).

 

If it's in someones heart to contact their ex, they will. May take years, who knows. But I do agree with you there. My comment was merely that a lot of the times there could have been a chance they'd get a message from their ex, but their ex went to a support system first. Heck, it's why a lot of people come to this section of the forums.

[breadbin]

I suspect my relationship was ruined due to my exes mother being a complete psycho. I never got on with her really, she was a real piece of work. She tried it on with me a few times. She never liked me and used to say horrible things. She used to say I was only a visitor, stay out of it, it doesn't concern you, how would you know you don't have kids etc. etc. The worst she ever said though was this and I could never forgive her for it.

 

My ex had an 11 year old son who hardly saw his dad either. His mother and father split up when he was 3 and they hate each other. The psycho mother told this poor 11 year old boy how wouldn't it be great if we invited your father around for Christmas dinner because if (me) is there I'm going somewhere else. Imagine saying this to your poor grandson who is already messed up with the parents being split up. I felt so sorry for him and hated her for saying that.

 

It helps me with the break up when I think of having to see that old witch again! To put it in context, this old bag regularly stays with my ex because the son she lives with threatens to kill her! I think my ex was poisoned against me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait a minute.

 

You're essentially calling your mother the "outside interference" in your relationship with a married woman? Have I got that right?

 

Irony is grand.

[airborne3502]

Wait a minute.

 

You're essentially calling your mother the "outside interference" in your relationship with a married woman? Have I got that right?

 

Irony is grand.

 

You don't have it right at all.

 

She got married five years after she gave my necklace back.