Dating a man going through divorce

[Beliv]

I met a man about 4 months ago who i discovered was going through a divorce , wife filed . Divorce court date is next month .He has moved to his own aptment ,they were married about a year and a half , had been together 4months before getting married. NO KIDS.

 

When we first met he wanted to be around me every moment & didnt talk much about wife , however the past two months he has been hot & cold. Talks about how he hates his wife & how bad she treated him through out their marriage i.e throw him out all the time & how he felt the marriage was like a war zone .

 

He tells me everyday how he loves me and wants to be with me , he says he cannot wait until the divorce is done.However he appears emotionally unavailable , will make excuses about spending time with me yet i only live 20min away from him , havent seen him in 2wks , today he ignored my calls & texts and he has done this before.

 

I am almost 40yrs old & its been difficult finding a man who wants to settle down . I am not sure what to do , i dont know if he is still in love with his wife & keeping me around as a back up ...confused

[Chilli]

Very hard to know but at least even though he was married that ain't the typical divorce only together a few years and no kids.

However ,it is still fkg with him and you've def' come along a bit too soon bc he sounds like he still needs to work through everything that's happened.

 

But whether that's why he's been stepping back from you guys or the only reason or what , hard to say, probably a part of it. But sorry to say he might've also lost interest too.

Edited April 1, 2017 by Chilli

[Arieswoman]

In my experience it is not a good idea to date a guy until he is at least one year past his divorce.

 

By that time all the anniversaries will have passed and he should be getting used to living as a single man.

 

Prior to that they are not emotionally stable and may well still be sleeping with their ex/estranged wife (old habits die hard )

 

In addition you don't want to be used a a free therapist/band-aid while he gets his stuff together.

 

Perhaps a break is in order until he is actually "free"?

[Redhead14]

Don't date him. He's going through a divorce . . . which means you will go through the divorce as well -- not being made a priority, he's depressed so he doesn't schedule time to see you for period of time/cancels, (which is happening already -- However he appears emotionally unavailable , will make excuses about spending time with me yet i only live 20min away from him , havent seen him in 2wks , today he ignored my calls & texts and he has done this before.

, takes out anger on you, you're stressing because he's going to the marital home for discussions, etc. and wondering if they will reconcile, etc., money is tight because of lawyers, alimony, child support . . .

[Beliv]

 

But whether that's why he's been stepping back from you guys or the only reason or what , hard to say, probably a part of it. But sorry to say he might've also lost interest too.

 

Problem is when i do step back and give him his space he comes back and tells me he loves me and wants to be with me , last time we talked he mentioned that once his divorce is over he wants me to meet his family , he is hot and cold , do i just start ignoring him from now on .

[Beliv]

In my experience it is not a good idea to date a guy until he is at least one year past his divorce.

 

By that time all the anniversaries will have passed and he should be getting used to living as a single man.

 

Prior to that they are not emotionally stable and may well still be sleeping with their ex/estranged wife (old habits die hard )

 

In addition you don't want to be used a a free therapist/band-aid while he gets his stuff together.

 

Perhaps a break is in order until he is actually "free"?

 

I know for sure he is NOT sleeping with his ex , but you are right he has used me as a free therapist , one hour of him talking about how badly his ex treated him ,he is very bitter at the moment , i would like to take a break from him but i worry that when he dooes become available and fully divorced he will date someone else

[Beliv]

Don't date him. He's going through a divorce . . . which means you will go through the divorce as well -- not being made a priority, he's depressed so he

[/b], takes out anger on you, you're stressing because he's going to the marital home for discussions, etc. and wondering if they will reconcile, etc., money is tight because of lawyers, alimony, child support . . .

 

Agreed !!! although he has not gone back to the maritial home since he was thrown out , there are no kids involved just a house & debt , money is tight he has said and i am def not priority ..thank you helps me in my decision making

Edited April 1, 2017 by Beliv
Grama erro

[road]

Not divorced means he is still married. This post is another

example of why you do not date married people. Unless

you are married to them.

[preraph]

I've been through separation and divorce with two guys. They are very keen on having a woman just as soon as their wife is moved out. No time lapse whatever.

 

But the divorce process gets very emotional. One or both gets partway through it and then they're dividing their stuff up and come across the ticket stub from something they enjoyed together while they were dating and one or both decides to give the marriage another shot. And that's fine, unless you're the girlfriend. Usually that doesn't last long, but meanwhile you are on hiatus and have no priority, which is the worst thing, in my opinion. I mean, I am my own priority and my standards don't change just because you are going through a divorce. Yet, you are expected to wait patiently. One of them even told me it was none of my business what he was doing over at his wife's on the weekends when they were supposed to be dividing stuff. I broke up with him on that note.

 

It's emotional and they're jealous of their wife if the wife is seeing someone. Both those guys told me they could not imagine never sleeping with their wife again and both looked very sad saying it. So just know what you're up against. Unless he has earned a lot of trust, don't do exclusivity through this. Date others but don't rub his nose in it. But you don't want to stop your life to be someone's divorce girlfriend. Once in awhile, it works out, but more often it does not. They still have to stop and mourn the marriage at some point -- and once they accept that it's over, in my experiences, they then consider themselves "free men" and want to date a lot of women and not just you.

[Whodatdog]

I think youre making a big mistake if you think he will want to settle down with you after his divorce is final. It may be a long time, if ever, that he does.

[mikeylo]

Some people are over the spouse and marriage much long before the actual separation and divorce. This guy is not that spouse. Don't date him.

[Simple Logic]

I met a man about 4 months ago who i discovered was going through a divorce , wife filed . Divorce court date is next month .He has moved to his own aptment ,they were married about a year and a half , had been together 4months before getting married. NO KIDS.

 

When we first met he wanted to be around me every moment & didnt talk much about wife , however the past two months he has been hot & cold. Talks about how he hates his wife & how bad she treated him through out their marriage i.e throw him out all the time & how he felt the marriage was like a war zone .

 

He tells me everyday how he loves me and wants to be with me , he says he cannot wait until the divorce is done.However he appears emotionally unavailable , will make excuses about spending time with me yet i only live 20min away from him , havent seen him in 2wks , today he ignored my calls & texts and he has done this before.

 

I am almost 40yrs old & its been difficult finding a man who wants to settle down . I am not sure what to do , i dont know if he is still in love with his wife & keeping me around as a back up ...confused

 

I think you are rushing things considering you have only dated 4 months.

[basil67]

Forget about the whole divorce thing and just look at his behaviour. Hasn't seen you in two weeks...hot and cold...ignoring your messages..

 

Doesn't matter what else is going on in his life, I'd dump a guy for this. No excuses.

[Redhead14]

If a guy had completely ignored me for 2 weeks, I'd assume HE dumped me and I would block and delete because usually if they were at least getting laid, they will inevitably circle back when other options were dry or they are bored or . . . anything else that isn't about wanting something more with me.

 

This guy has done this more than once apparently, so I'm wondering why she's even asking about all this. Just because a guy is going through a divorce or some stressful thing, they don't get a "pass" to treat me like an option or ignore me, etc. He would have been cut out of my life the first time it happened.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I stuck through about 6 months of this. Yes, you will feel like you are experiencing the divorce with him. It was a heavy burden to bear. Mine never ignored me or disspeared and was completely done with her (his decision). I met his kids, family and friends.

 

BUT...I had to listen for hours on end how horrible she was. I had to listen about the details of finance/custody battles. I had to see him stressed and calm him down. I had to sit down and plan budget with him just so he will be able to make ends meet. I received threats from his ex because she got jealous and tracked me down. It was draining. It was all about him. There was no room for my problems.

 

He couldn't afford to eat out and pay his half. Forget about him paying for me. Yet his ex wife while they were together got surprise trips around the world, regular gifts and dinners out.

 

You are basically getting him at the absolute worst possible time. You are going through someone else's hell due to no fault of your own. And I hear that often what happens is that when it's all finalized, he simply discards you because you are a reminder of a really horrible time in his life.

 

Please, don't do this to yourself.

[spiderowl]

A man in the middle of a divorce that he did not instigate is not ready to date anyone. He will still be emotionally involved with his wife. He did not want this divorce so how can he even begin to truly love someone else?

 

For your own sake, leave this guy alone until he is at least a year or two past his divorce. He is not emotionally available whatever he says to you.

[spiderowl]

Problem is when i do step back and give him his space he comes back and tells me he loves me and wants to be with me , last time we talked he mentioned that once his divorce is over he wants me to meet his family , he is hot and cold , do i just start ignoring him from now on .

 

Of course he comes back because he is lonely and hurt and needs emotional support and physical comfort if he can get it. Please do not assume his needs mean that he feels for you what you want a guy to feel. He is not emotionally available and is unlikely to fall in love with you. One thing is for sure, he will not fall in love with you if you are ever-available no matter how he treats you. If you do not teach him how to treat you now, you are on a slippery slope.

[Beliv]

If a guy had completely ignored me for 2 weeks, I'd assume HE dumped me and I would block and delete because usually if they were at least getting laid, they will inevitably circle back when other options were dry or they are bored or . . . anything else that isn't about wanting something more with me.

 

This guy has done this more than once apparently, so I'm wondering why she's even asking about all this. Just because a guy is going through a divorce or some stressful thing, they don't get a "pass" to treat me like an option or ignore me, etc. He would have been cut out of my life the first time it happened.

 

No he has not ignored me for two weeks just one night hence i said "today" he texts me daily and tells me he loves me daily , i just have not seen him in two weeks but he texts telling me his cousin was in the hosp hence he could not answer my phone , which was all lies

[Beliv]

Of course he comes back because he is lonely and hurt and needs emotional support and physical comfort if he can get it. Please do not assume his needs mean that he feels for you what you want a guy to feel. He is not emotionally available and is unlikely to fall in love with you. One thing is for sure, he will not fall in love with you if you are ever-available no matter how he treats you. If you do not teach him how to treat you now, you are on a slippery slope.

very true how do i go about dumping him

[Redhead14]

very true how do i go about dumping him

 

The next time he contacts you, you tell him you are moving on because you refuse to be caught up in the drama of his divorce and want a dating partner who can be fully involved and focused on developing a relationship with you and one who doesn't cut you out in times of difficulty/stress.