No butterflies

[H0peful]

I'm 41 (f) divorced and back out dating. I met a nice man who is doing it all right. We have had 4 dates. My concern is Im not feeling those butterflies. I want to, but I don't.

I did go through a bad break up last September and although I no longer am in love with that man, I do worry maybe Im emotionally numb.

 

Do I take the no butterflies as a sign this man is not right and move on or do I keep seeing him, keeping it slow, in the hope they will awaken?

 

Anyone gone through this and care to share what happened?

 

thanks

[CaliforniaGirl]

Have you kissed? Anything like that?

 

I feel like it is only fair to tell this man, because otherwise you are kind of wasting his time and building his hopes up. I realize you worry you may just be numb but while you are getting that sorted it's kind of cruel to take the man's time and spend his money while he could be going out with someone more interested.

[preraph]

I think sometimes really hard breakups or cheating and that type of thing can kind of ruin you for butterflies. You no longer have the luxury of being an idealistic young adult who believes in the happy ending.

 

If you are at least attracted enough to him to enjoy sex or want sex with him, I would keep dating him a while because why not. If it's not just butterflies but also you just aren't feeling the attraction, well, that's another matter. That may not change enough to make a difference. Good luck.

[H0peful]

Hi

 

Ive spent today mulling this over. The fact I even posted this question is a red flag.

 

As much as my brain tells me this is a good man, my heart is not into it. We have kissed. I imagine us taking it further and I am not feeling it. Whatever the magic ingredient is, its missing. By date 5 I should be excited, fussing about what outfit to wear..etc etc Im just meh about it

 

I know what I need to do. I will speak to him tonight and call it quits. Horrible

 

Thanks for reading

[morrowrd]

It means there isn't any chemistry, or there are some red flags maybe? Four dates is enough time to know if there is or isn't a match with the person. I'm guessing this isn't, and you're better off ending it now before you waste more precious time. If you have to "make something work" - it isn't a pathway to falling in love.

[todreaminblue]

Hi

 

Ive spent today mulling this over. The fact I even posted this question is a red flag.

 

As much as my brain tells me this is a good man, my heart is not into it. We have kissed. I imagine us taking it further and I am not feeling it. Whatever the magic ingredient is, its missing. By date 5 I should be excited, fussing about what outfit to wear..etc etc Im just meh about it

 

I know what I need to do. I will speak to him tonight and call it quits. Horrible

 

Thanks for reading

 

it is horrible, but much better use of his time and yours to let him go find the woman who feels for him...deb

[Hopeful30]

I will confess something. I've never felt 'butterflies' or a 'spark' with anyone. Physical attraction maybe, but never a very lustful feeling that includes knots in the stomach.

 

I think it's just a reaction to lust or incredible attraction, but I think that's more on a superficial level. If there are no butterflies but you can talk for hours, I say that's a better sign of compatibility.

[Ami1uwant]

Hi

 

Ive spent today mulling this over. The fact I even posted this question is a red flag.

 

As much as my brain tells me this is a good man, my heart is not into it. We have kissed. I imagine us taking it further and I am not feeling it. Whatever the magic ingredient is, its missing. By date 5 I should be excited, fussing about what outfit to wear..etc etc Im just meh about it

 

I know what I need to do. I will speak to him tonight and call it quits. Horrible

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

Why are you judging this with butterflies----WTF....

 

ask yourself what qualities are you looking for in a relationship and does this person have it.

 

butterflies could also be nerves because you ar uncertain if they like you or feel the same. If you get along great and its natural you wont have these nervous things.

[SevenCity]

Hi

 

Ive spent today mulling this over. The fact I even posted this question is a red flag.

 

As much as my brain tells me this is a good man, my heart is not into it. We have kissed. I imagine us taking it further and I am not feeling it. Whatever the magic ingredient is, its missing. By date 5 I should be excited, fussing about what outfit to wear..etc etc Im just meh about it

 

I know what I need to do. I will speak to him tonight and call it quits. Horrible

 

Thanks for reading

 

Why waste his time on another date? Why not break it off via phone?

 

I would find it annoying if I got all dressed up and traveled to a date only to get dumped.

 

I would have done this prior to the night of the date as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're just not that into him.

 

A person can be nice, but not the one to intrigue or excite you. I agree, you need to respectfully put an end to it.

[dumbass2]

I've been there. I've felt the chemistry and "butterflies" before and know that I should sense some type of romantic attraction by the 4th or 5th date and if not, I can't force it. It's either there or it's not. I've tried before and dragged things out a month because i did like her, but just wasn't feeling the romantic part of it and had to end things. I won't drag things out so far again.

[act00]

Hi

 

Ive spent today mulling this over. The fact I even posted this question is a red flag.

 

As much as my brain tells me this is a good man, my heart is not into it. We have kissed. I imagine us taking it further and I am not feeling it. Whatever the magic ingredient is, its missing. By date 5 I should be excited, fussing about what outfit to wear..etc etc Im just meh about it

 

I know what I need to do. I will speak to him tonight and call it quits. Horrible

 

Thanks for reading

 

((Hug))

 

I think you're right. Something is missing. You two just don't click. It happens.

 

I get butterflies...and so far all of these butterflies have led to failed relationships..not that it's all bad. I have had dates that have gone exceptionally well, and they drop off the planet; and I have had a couple that start off great, but they turn out to be mistakes. It's dating, and you have to go through a few frogs, and you just have to enjoy the ride.

 

You can't fall into a relationship or a marriage because "he looks good on paper." Something is not right, and if you were to stay for 3-4 months, whatever is turning you off right now would become apparent.

 

You're not flawed or numb. You just simply started off with someone that didn't mesh with you.

 

You'll get the butterflies, and you will kick yourself for wasting time on a few...dating...ugh.

[H0peful]

Thanks all.

 

As a few of you have said, 'butterflies' is another name for chemistry. It wasn't there, even though 'on paper' he was a great person. I just didn't fancy him in a romantic way and I was really trying to. I didn't write him off quickly, I kept going back for dates 2,3 and 4 to really ensure I was giving this my all. It's a shame as he treated me so well. I really wish it was different.

 

I didn't go for the 5th date. I called beforehand and explained I wasn't getting that click necessary to take it forward. That I don't know whether its me not being ready or that we just don't work, but this is how I feel and Im sorry. Nothing he did wrong, he was great. He was surprised and was a bit p1ssed off saying I never gave him a chance. I let him blow off some steam and wished him well. He has sent me a few grumpy texts , I feel bad, but I feel I did the right thing. I am not responding as I feel Ive handled it appropriately for two people who have had 4 dates only.

[ExpatInItaly]

You did the right thing.

 

You can't force yourself to feel something that isn't there. I wouldn't have continued seeing him either.

[joseb]

You did the right thing. Ignore his "you never gave me a chance" BS. You actually dragged it on too long if anything.

I know if there is chemistry or not on the first date. Once or twice I've gone on a second not being sure, but I can't remember a single time where that changed anything

[smackie9]

He was surprised and was a bit p1ssed off saying I never gave him a chance. I let him blow off some steam and wished him well. He has sent me a few grumpy texts , I feel bad, but I feel I did the right thing. I am not responding as I feel Ive handled it appropriately for two people who have had 4 dates only.

And this is why most people ghost/ignore or makes excuses not to see someone again. Sore losers like this that trample you for being straight with them.

 

You didn't deserve to be treated that way, you were honest...obviously he is not as nice as you thought he was. It's one thing to say you were disappointed that things didn't work out, but it's another to be a complete jerk about it. You dodged a bullet.....maybe there was a reason you didn't feel any chemistry....hmmmmmm.