mightycpa Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I can understand you view, and also why you asked. Really, it has nothing to do with my own situation at all, and I was just interested in the discussion. It has more to do with some comments I read some time ago, and I have been thinking about it from time to time. Why would some be up in arms if a man or woman is being treated badly by their spouse and it's hurting them emotionally, but then that same person will give their tacit approval to a ws, even if the end result is the same level of pain. In other words, why is one behavior considered atrocious,but the other acceptable, at least to some people. Why will a man or woman who would never consider hurting their spouse with a fist or unkind words feel it's okay to cause the same pain by cheating? It's not about labeling, as you and call as skunk cabbage a rose, and it's still going to stink. ( and I'm sorry, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that cheating will hurt someone)Hmm. OK, well, I guess my answer would be that abuse is in the eye of the beholder. For example, I had this one girlfriend once, and I was getting sick of her. She got mad at me, cheated on me and then called me up to brag about it. I was unimpressed, really didn't care, but thanked her for making it absolutely necessary for me to break up permanently with her. Definitely not abuse. The girl before her, I was totally in love with. Sick in love. She dumped me, and then I found out about six weeks later that she had cheated on me. I was already about as low as one can get, and surprisingly, it didn't matter to me then either. Also not abuse. A few girls later, another one cheated on me. I was hurt by that, but I would still have to say not abuse. I didn't lose my mind and I didn't suffer any crisis of spirit or long term effects. She was the first girl that I loved, then felt indifference for. Not abuse. So I'm going to go with NOT ABUSE, from the perspective of personal experience. Oh, and I dished out some cheating in my day too. Definitely not abuse then either!
mightycpa Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Whatever compulsive cheater. I guess it still stings, eh? Let it go! Hanging onto the grudge is totally not worth the aggravation. It feels good to be able to chuckle over the SO's that cheated on you, because you're so much better off!
todreaminblue Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I guess it still stings, eh? Let it go! Hanging onto the grudge is totally not worth the aggravation. It feels good to be able to chuckle over the SO's that cheated on you, because you're so much better off! have to answer....ill chuckle next time i look at my son who is mentally impaired ...possibly due to me contracting syphilus.....and then ill chuckle as i tell him hey i contracted syphilus and it could be the reason while your mentally imapired...but dont worry you are so much better off ...still stinging son?? chuckle about it.....i would never tell him...and i will not chuckle...its something ill carry to my grave with me.....ever had a grave secret.......i told mine here.....because i cant tell him..or the father who gave syphilus to me.... your comment was thoughtless......i am trying hard to understand that is how you roll by like chuckling..whren things are extremely physically painful maybe we have common ground there.....and it is me who is thoughtless....maybe..but this i know ...dont say to someone... still stinging is it..obviously for some on this thread ...it does still sting.....and we cant chuckle ....some of us dont escape from the consequences of others actions..........take some care for you leave the rest of the care in here by thoughtfulness.........deb 1
Spring23 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Whether or ot the ws intended to cause harm doesn't matter. Most people who abuse someone else aren't sitting around planning to hurt them. they are reacting to an event or behavior that upsets them. Is a man who reacts to his wife's actions with fist planning that out? Probably not. Does that mean he's not abusive? No. I'm not saying no abuser plans their actions, ( to me, someone who sits down and purposefully plan to harm their husband or wife has some deep seated issues). I often wonder if this difference in perspective comes about based on whether you are the bs or the ws. I suppose it's a form of abuse. When you cheat you willfully break the rules of the marriage contract and then conceal your actions. It isn't one quick action but a series of betrayed moments. Yeah. It's abuse. 2
Chilli Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Don't think it matters what we wanna call it or label it or whatever we wanna dream up for it. Imo it's about the most hurtful sickening lowest thing your supposedly best friend and partner could do. Pretty cut and dry. 3
Author wmacbride Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 You may be a military spouse. Yet you have zero understanding of what it's like to have resilience to PTSD and depression despite mortal threat, so please don't pretend you do. That said either you're having some trouble with reading and comprehension, or my written words are instead unintelligible. Whichever it is, this may be why you take issue with what I have written. While also misrepresenting my statements and often arguing against claims that I have not made. Since you seem to keep getting the following amongst other things wrong. I offer the following statements, in order to help clarify some of your misrepresentations. I am not a military member and have never claimed to be one on these forums. Since I left the Army in 2004 (which predates my participation in these forums), which means I am a former Defence Force Member. As far as I am aware my wife has never cheated on me. It is my ex-wife that cheated on me, which is why she became my ex-wife. Likewise I'm sorry your husband chose to cheat on you. I admit I didn't recognize my husband's PTSD symptoms, and I will forever feel bad about that. I should have helped him, but he hid it and when I did see it, I didn't know what to do. He's always been a good man, great father and someone I love very much. He worked really hard to come back form the terrible place he was in, and that too a huge amount of courage for him, and I know it wasn't easy. What people ( and not just me) are taking issue with is your statement that men and women who aren't able to simply breeze through infidelity, you feel are not emotionally strong people. In many cases, the exact opposite is true. Sure, there are some who are broken when their spouse cheats, but the majority are terribly hurt but come back stronger than before. 1
Author wmacbride Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 No. I think it can co-occur with abuse, but in and of itself, it not be abusive. Perhaps because of circumstances? If the infidelity is taking place within a marriage / LTR that is a sham, where neither party considers the M / R to be functional, why should anyone else attach more weight to it than the participants? Or, if the BS is abusive, or has a history of infidelity themselves, it's likely others will feel less disturbed by the infidelity than if the BS was an "innocent" party. Or, if it's the cultural norm, and common practice, no one will get exercised about it and will feel that the BS should have known what was part of the deal in getting M. There are many possible reasons. If the marriage is such a sham, then why doesn't the spouse actually man up ( or woman up, as the case may be) and admit to what they are doing? If the marriage is so terrible and such a sham, then why stay? Let me guess, "the kids" will be trotted out. The poor downtrodden mm or mw is so hard done by, and home life is so bad, they have no choice but to cheat, because if they get caught, their children's home could be broken up. Now which is it? Terrible home life or it's just an easy excuse to explain one's actions and dishonesty? I can only speak for myself, but if my h was making my home life miserable, if I am unhappy every day, if I am worried about how this will affect my children, then divorce, not cheating, would be my go to solution. Why on god's green earth would I cheat to stay ( and keep my kids) in such a crappy environment? Mind you, I guess it can't be that bad if I am willing to sneak, hide and lie to protect it. About cheating being acceptable in some cultures? Meh. I'm not too keen on behaviors that hurt other people. I don't accept "culture" as an excuse for hurting people for other reason,and I don;t accept it for infidelity either. 3
Author wmacbride Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Don't think it matters what we wanna call it or label it or whatever we wanna dream up for it. Imo it's about the most hurtful sickening lowest thing your supposedly best friend and partner could do. Pretty cut and dry. Well put. I'm not going to say there aren't other extremely hurtful things a spouse can do, but cheating is right up there. 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Infidelity only hurts when you love the other person. Doesn't matter if you're married or not. If you hate the other person, I don't think a little side action is going to cause your heart to break. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Gestational syphilis – getting infected with the syphilis virus during pregnancy can lead to red palms, among other symptoms. guess who has red palms.......it would be me...a permanent reminder that every one can see ...maybe not know why...but i know...its because i had a disease given to my by a cheat/......who lied and said i was crazy to think he was cheating.........i thought it was because i am a hot blooded person i had red palms............deb
cocorico Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 If the marriage is such a sham, then why doesn't the spouse actually man up ( or woman up, as the case may be) and admit to what they are doing? Some probabaly do, others probably don't. There could be a multitude of reasons either way. The question I was responding to was why some turn a blind eye to infidelity, not why infidelity occurs in the first place. If the people turning a blind eye are doing so because, to all appearances, the M is a sham, they may well ask the WS and / or the BS why they don't just call time, but ultimately it is the decision of the two spouses whether or not to stay in the M. There are some stories here that get posted that make me think, this is not a M! It's a sham! Why would anyone stay in that? Yet the BS chooses to reconcile, the WS chooses to stay. That's their decision, not mine. Yet if I were to encounter them IRL and witness their behaviour, and recognise *to my mind* that the M was a sham, would I turn a blind eye to the infidelity and any other dysfunctional practices in the M when both had made it clear they wanted to stay in the M? Of course. It's their M, and up to them to enact it as they choose. It's not my place to interfere in their choices. If the marriage is so terrible and such a sham, then why stay? Let me guess, "the kids" will be trotted out. The poor downtrodden mm or mw is so hard done by, and home life is so bad, they have no choice but to cheat, because if they get caught, their children's home could be broken up. Again, that might be true - and most certainly is likely to be in some cases. I couldn't possibly know for sure. But if, as an outside observer, it was offered up to me as a reason by a BS for staying in a M characterised by infidelity, or by a WS unwilling to make the break, I'd have to accept their reasons. It's not for me to tell them "you're wrong! You're making it all up!" They know their own situation, as insiders, far better than I as an outsider could. Now which is it? Terrible home life or it's just an easy excuse to explain one's actions and dishonesty? Again, only they would know. But as an observer, I have to respect their choice. I can't bulldoze my way in and force them to break up if they don't want to. That is their decision to make. I can only speak for myself, but if my h was making my home life miserable, if I am unhappy every day, if I am worried about how this will affect my children, then divorce, not cheating, would be my go to solution. Why on god's green earth would I cheat to stay ( and keep my kids) in such a crappy environment? Mind you, I guess it can't be that bad if I am willing to sneak, hide and lie to protect it. And perhaps for many, that's the case, while for others, it's not. People have their own reasons for their choices. Their are some BS here who choose to stay in appalling situations rather than leave, because of kids, or economics, or whatever. I'm sure it's the same for some WS. About cheating being acceptable in some cultures? Meh. I'm not too keen on behaviors that hurt other people. I don't accept "culture" as an excuse for hurting people for other reason,and I don;t accept it for infidelity either. Sure, that's you, coming from a culture which has supported you in that view. Others who have grown up in other cultures have a different view. They may have been raised to consider it simply part of the fabric of M, and so when they see that practised all around them, they accept it as such. I've certainly seen that to be true among friends of my own from such cultures.
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