wmacbride Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I do. I know not everyone will agree, but after having experienced it myself and heard umpteen stories about it that are absolutely atrocious. As a secondary part to the question. Why are some willing to look the other way or even feel this is acceptable? Think of it this way. If I saw a woman hitting her husband, that would be abuse, as he is hurting him and causing him harm. I would try and help, and if I couldn't, I'd call the police, as I don't believe anyone should it someone else, man or woman. If I saw a man yelling at a woman and insulting her, degrading her and making her feel horrible, I would try and help. If it was my friend, I'd talk to her, if a stranger, I'm not sure what I could do, but I could try. Obviously, those tow forms of abuse are not acceptable, as they are hurtful and cause a lot of harm. Doesn't infidelity result in the same pain? Just read the threads on here...they are full of stories from men and women who have been deeply wounded...why are some willing to look the other way ( or either give it their tacit or outright approval)? why would a man or woman who would never, ever think of hurting someone else feel fine about hurting their spouse by cheating? Please not, I am not calling ws evil people, saying they are monsters or anything else. Thy are people, just like anyone else. I am simply saying they are engaging in some incredibly hurtful actions. 6
central Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Doesn't infidelity result in the same pain? Sure it does - if discovered. However, I see it more as a form of neglect, as the WS is not actively harming their spouse, nor do they want to in most cases (exception: revenge affairs). They're only interested in making themselves feel good. Besides, well over 80% of infidelity is never found out, so the BS never experiences that pain you talk about. They may wonder what's wrong with their relationship, and sometimes they are contributing to problems themselves. 6
preraph Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I kinda do. You have to know that what you're doing at least has the potential to deeply hurt the partner, and it can literally destroy lives at its worst, pulling families apart, sentencing the children to a lifetime of modeling that behavior or putting up with that behavior. I think it starts a terrible cycle that only a selfish pig would find worth it. I get so mad when I hear guys say "It has nothing to do with you. It's just sex." No, it's betrayal, it's a broken promise, it's you now demonstrating that I made a TERRIBLE mistake in judging your character and thinking you had enough empathy to never deliberately do something that would tear my heart out and ruin my faith in mankind forevermore, and now not only can I not trust people anymore but worst of all, I can never again trust my own judgment. 2
somanymistakes Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I think it's not a useful question. Infidelity is infidelity. Being labeled 'abuse' doesn't make it worse, being labeled 'not abuse' doesn't make it better. I object to lumping a lot of different concepts together into the same word because it makes it much more confusing when we're having discussions... if you call everything abuse, including smaller things like "not having sex every single time it's requested" (yes, I have seen someone call that domestic abuse) then what often happens is that instead of convincing everyone that your minor thing is really bad, you start convincing everyone that MAJOR things must not be so bad after all. 6
preraph Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Well, the absence of sex can never be considered abuse because people aren't obligated to have sex unless they want to, even in marriage. Sex is something two consenting adults do. Outside of that it's assault or rape.
Redhead14 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 It abuses the bond of trust and commitment . . . it takes advantage of the spouse's trust. 5
Timshel Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 If a person cheats and no one hears it....lol. If a person has an exit affair...meaning that they meet a person, fall in loves, go home to spouse jimney quick and say 'over, need divorce' then no, not abuse. If a person carries on an affair or sexual activity outside the marriage/ltr for an extended period of time? Yes, abuse. Here's why: lying to a live in partner (married or not) with whom life goals, future planning, child rearing and an expectation of honesty/fidelity are involved is abusive. In the context of a romantic/familial relationship, deception over an extended period of time is hostile. How so? It blows intimacy into oblivion. Lying destroys intimacy. Lying/deception undermine an SO's perception of reality. If one adult half of reality is skewed within a home, all is off. If all is off, the entire dynamic of family is equally off, including extended family. Lies are insidious, of course. It would be better for some to ask for an open marriage if not interested in divorce, letting the chips fall where they may, of course. This is not abusive although insensitive. Honesty though brash, is never abuse in terms of infidelity. Choice and knowledge are allowing for equal distributions of power.
central Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 It abuses the bond of trust and commitment . . . it takes advantage of the spouse's trust. No, it doesn't. It breaks it, unilaterally. Often, though, the BS doesn't ever learn that their trust has been take advantage of.
hippychick3 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Other than abusing your trust, no. It's equally as bad and causes just as much harm, but that doesn't make it abuse.
RecentChange Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Hum. No I don't think it's abuse as in a crime that should be reported to the police. It's certainly not physical abuse that results in fear etc for the victim. Unlike direct abuse, infidelity usually isn't the INTENTIONAL harm of the spouse - rather the harm is a result of selfishness and not the goal / intent. All that said, when I cheated, and saw what I had caused come D day - I admitted to being an "abuser". Not so much in that I caused intentional harm - but like an abuser I had done something really sh*ty, and then followed it with all sorts of remorse / groveling / sweet treatment etc. And that left him feeling..... Bad that I felt bad. Which is total BS. Completely not fair. It felt too similar to cycles of abuse, where the abuser does wrong, grovels, makes the victim feel bad for / take back the abuser / make excuses for the behavior. And I verbalized that too him (how I didn't want this to mirror an abuse cycle). It's a fine line between expressing my remorse, but not showing so much pain that he takes some of it on (because he loves me, and I know how that "my pain is your pain dynamic can work") Now.... If I hadn't changed my tune. If I went back to cheating (ie mal treatment) followed by groveling / forgiveness / cheating rinse repeat. Then I think it would be emotional abuse territory. And like most abuse, really the victim would need to find the strength to walk away. 2
Popsicle Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I think the word abuse gets used too freely. I think infidelity is immoral and totally messed up, but what's worse to me is when someone sticks around to continue to take the "abuse". You have the power and control to remove yourself from the abusive situation. At least in the western world. 2
curiouslysearching Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Hum. No I don't think it's abuse as in a crime that should be reported to the police. It's certainly not physical abuse that results in fear etc for the victim. Unlike direct abuse, infidelity usually isn't the INTENTIONAL harm of the spouse - rather the harm is a result of selfishness and not the goal / intent. All that said, when I cheated, and saw what I had caused come D day - I admitted to being an "abuser". Not so much in that I caused intentional harm - but like an abuser I had done something really sh*ty, and then followed it with all sorts of remorse / groveling / sweet treatment etc. And that left him feeling..... Bad that I felt bad. Which is total BS. Completely not fair. It felt too similar to cycles of abuse, where the abuser does wrong, grovels, makes the victim feel bad for / take back the abuser / make excuses for the behavior. And I verbalized that too him (how I didn't want this to mirror an abuse cycle). It's a fine line between expressing my remorse, but not showing so much pain that he takes some of it on (because he loves me, and I know how that "my pain is your pain dynamic can work") Now.... If I hadn't changed my tune. If I went back to cheating (ie mal treatment) followed by groveling / forgiveness / cheating rinse repeat. Then I think it would be emotional abuse territory. And like most abuse, really the victim would need to find the strength to walk away. RC, why caused you to cheat (if you can pinpoint it down)....how long did it go on? were you eventually discovered?
RecentChange Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 RC, why caused you to cheat (if you can pinpoint it down)....how long did it go on? were you eventually discovered? It's off topic. You can PM me.
mightycpa Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Whether it is or it isn't, what difference does it make? Is Pluto a planet? Who cares? But, seriously, what difference does it make? What would be the outcome if everybody disagreed with you and said that infidelity isn't abuse? Would it change your mind? What would be the impact? What is the impact of differing opinions? Are you looking to bolster a weak conviction? Or weaken an already strong one? It's a curious question you've raised.
curiouslysearching Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 It's off topic. You can PM me. not sure how to do that and also I apologize for the topic
Arieswoman Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Q Do you feel infidelity is a form of abuse? Yes. And it is probably a culmination of a catalogue of low-level abuse that has been present for some time. 2
curiouslysearching Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I am not sure that I would categorize it as abuse.....but then again I suppose a significant case could be made that there elements of emotional abuse..
todreaminblue Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 its figurative abuse ...its abuse of trust...its betrayal....and betraying some is abusing the relationship not the person directly but a definite punch to the relationship..is deceit abuse...i believe it is...its a control thing isnt it when people lie.....its manipulation the situation to achieve ones own agenda.. .in cheating their are many figurative examples of abuse.....its not a complete direct abuse situation...but it is a figurative one..and th ething is the most damaging things that happen to a relationship..normally involve deceit...cheating is always deceit...or it wouldnt be cheating...and for me its abusive to the core fabric of a relationship...which is trust,..figuratively speaking........deb 1
lionlover1973 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 What is Psychological Abuse? Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse, or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. In short, the answer is, yes. 3
todreaminblue Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) lion lover is right...... nah i cant leave it at that.make cheating all poetic and wistful like i did before lion lovers post.......certain parts of me want to make it forgivable by turning it poetic and figurative.... not this black duck though....cheating is abuse and ill give examples from experience a partner cheats ......lies convincingly "of course you're the only one i am with you are just paranoid"......and then has sex with you, you fall pregnant because you dont use condoms......for after all theres trust there ......you have to believe him you move on....then ...one day you feel really really sick you think its your pregnancy you go for a check up...yep sti...a life risk to the baby you get hospitalized and pumped full of anitbiotics......by needle....you dont take to needles well so you end up stabbed all over your body trying to find a vein...is this abuse....life risk to an unborn and serious health concerns...yes....its abuse....no figuratives ..its brutal harsh and like being kicked in the head.....luckily the sti is treatable...and you start using condoms.....just to be safe its abuse another example.....you tell your partner to meet you for new years an anniversary date night..your partners pregnant but she gets all dolled up ....excited and happy to be having date night.....she feels glowing and beautiful and blessed......she pays the baby sitter tells everyone she knows how good she feels and the plans for the night .....and she catches a train for an hour to meet you new years night in the city......she sits on the bench.....for an hour near a fountain waiting.....she goes into a cafe after the first hour and gets a coffeee and goes back to her bench....another hour pasts......lump in her throat....hope he is ok...shew would go home but now she hasnt the money to do so.....the partner knows that.....so while the partner is with another woman getting wasted and having sex..... some pregnant pathetic crying by now feeling abandoned alone...weak ...ugly....worthless..confused.young woman...... is cold tired wanting to go home...yet she stupidly like a complete moron still sits there.......saying just five more minutes he will come for hours on end.....is being hit on by drunks called names ...propositioned....and so she sits frozen to the spot...unsure if she goes to leave one of these drunks might follow her........six hours later her money has gone through into her bank and she goes home one hour by train in the early hours of the morning...by herself....she has to make it home in time for morning breakfast for the two children she left at home....is it abuse....my oath its abuse,.....because when the partner gets home.....she gets the silent treatment when she asks where were you......as he heads to bed...a couple of weeks later she loses her baby...and pathetically sinks into depression...... ..for me these examples are direct abuse.....even though the black eyes and bruises come way later in the relationships.....the cheating always hurt me more...i would rather they try and knock me out than cheat on me.......deb Edited March 31, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
central Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Yes. And it is probably a culmination of a catalogue of low-level abuse that has been present for some time. Perhaps. I would say that in many cases the low level abuse was by the BS, and was a contributing factor in the WS choosing some relief elsewhere. 2
Author wmacbride Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 Whether it is or it isn't, what difference does it make? Is Pluto a planet? Who cares? But, seriously, what difference does it make? What would be the outcome if everybody disagreed with you and said that infidelity isn't abuse? Would it change your mind? What would be the impact? What is the impact of differing opinions? Are you looking to bolster a weak conviction? Or weaken an already strong one? It's a curious question you've raised. I can understand you view, and also why you asked. Really, it has nothing to do with my own situation at all, and I was just interested in the discussion. It has more to do with some comments I read some time ago, and I have been thinking about it from time to time. Why would some be up in arms if a man or woman is being treated badly by their spouse and it's hurting them emotionally, but then that same person will give their tacit approval to a ws, even if the end result is the same level of pain. In other words, why is one behavior considered atrocious,but the other acceptable, at least to some people. Why will a man or woman who would never consider hurting their spouse with a fist or unkind words feel it's okay to cause the same pain by cheating? It's not about labeling, as you and call as skunk cabbage a rose, and it's still going to stink. ( and I'm sorry, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that cheating will hurt someone) 1
Recommended Posts