Girlfriend being abused by son

[Johnson1]

I am currently going with this VERY young, sweet, pretty 62 year old woman who is being verbally (and on rare occasions) physically abused by her live-in son who is 45. She is trying to sell her mobile home and move in with me to get away from him, but he keeps battling her every step of the way because he's a pathetic, narcissistic no life with little money, no girlfriend and no friends. He barely works and leaches off her in every way imaginable. She pays 80% of the bills with her disability. He drives HER car with no license because it was taken away from lack of child support. She pays for the registration and insurance. He's a lying drug addict who's hooked on prescription meds. For the most part she stays in her bedroom so she doesn't have to be around him because she hates him. . She's tried to get him out in the past by talking to the cops and the Department of Elder Affairs has been at her house for elder abuse, but they haven't done squat. She lives in a 55+ over community so he isn't allowed to be there. She has contacted the owners of the mobile home park about the situation and they gave her a notice of eviction and he left, but he slept in her car and came back a few days later and has been back ever since. She told me she could go back to the owners of the mobile home park and cops would come and remove him, but she's reluctant to do that because she fears him. She's worried about what he might do when he gets out of jail if she has him arrested. He's threatened to burn her place down and hurt her pets (although he never would, so she claims). She says he's made threats like that before but nothing ever happened. It's all a mind control game. He lays a massive guilt trip on her by playing the victim. She has 2 cats and a pet squirrel she rescued and brought up as a baby and every time she leaves to come stay with me for a few days he blows up her phone making threats and asking when she's going to be back using the pets as leverage to make her feel bad because he's feeding them. He's a friggin' bi-polar, controlling lunatic who screams and belittles her demanding she come home. She's been wanting to sell her place and get away from him for over a year. She wants him out, but he won't leave. I don't know what to do. He is a big dude who's thrashed some of her previous boyfriends half to death because THEY were abusive to her. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. What ticks me off is he's a two face that acts like a total angel when I'm around and be very kind and considerate, then be abusive to her when I'm not there. She keeps telling me not to worry and that he's fine as long as he has her pain pills to take. It told her not to argue back with him. She does stand up for herself, but doing so only makes things worse. I told her to just 'yes' him to death for now and keep proceeding forward with the sale of the house in the meantime. They do get along at times, but it's more often a nightmare where she walks around on egg shells. Her home is in need of a few repairs before puts it on the market, which I told her I would help her fix. He won't do it because he's a lazy piece of crap who's trying to keep her there. She has to have the realtor show the place, but she doesn't know how that's going to happen because he's always there messing the place up. She tells me not to worry and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm concerned about what he might do when he sees the end nearing closer and closer to being homeless and cut off. I've talked with him and he acts like everything's fine and he'll just find his own place, but I know it's all just BS. He hasn't lifted a finger to prepare for the move. I get a little agitated with her because she acts like nothing will, or could ever happen. She tells me he's always made threats to her, but from my perspective it's not to say that anything bad couldn't happen. They had a fight recently where he screamed at her, threw cat food in her face and made like he was going to punch her, but she says she blocks his attack and she ended up leaving to go over her neighbor/friends house. He's even tried to choke her out at one time. The whole situation is nuts. Even if she does manage to sell the place I don't want him tracking her down and coming to my home to get his fix. She says he'll never find out where I live, which I have doubts about. I love this woman more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life and she feels the same. If it weren't for him everything would be clear sailing. I'm not sure what to do. It upsets me to see someone who is so sweet with such a heart of gold being treated this way. I did mention something to my brother, but didn't tell him much, only that he was abusive to her and he told me not to get involved because I might end up going to jail. Her neighbor friend also suggested to take a step back and not make it my concern, but it's difficult. She has no one to stand up to him on her behalf and she's thanked me for doing so because no one ever has. Not even her own granddaughter who is 19. She acts indifferent towards the situation. He tries to intimidate everyone. She's even went as far as telling him I'm a retired cop who's trying to get back on the force and even that didn't make a difference. He was in prison at one time for drugs, but she bailed him out. Something she regrets. I'm at a loss what to do.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Vocals5

[Downtown]

He's a pathetic, narcissistic no life.... He's a friggin' bi-polar.

Perhaps so, Vocals. However, most of the behaviors you describe -- emotional instability, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, and always portraying himself as "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). And his disregard for laws and being in prison -- are warning signs for ASPD (Antisocial PD, aka "sociopathy").

 

If your GF is interested in reading about BPD red flags, I suggest she read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest she start participating (or lurking) in the "Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering From BPD" forum at BPDfamily.com.

 

They do get along at times, but it's more often a nightmare where she walks around on egg shells.

If her son really does exhibit strong BPD traits, her walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger is exactly what you should expect. That's what people do when living with BPDers. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners and relatives) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

She is trying to sell her mobile home and move in with me.... I'm at a loss what to do.

I strongly recommend that you wait at least a year before letting her move in. If her son really does suffer from BPD or another PD, he likely got it from one of his parents. Although it is not yet proven to a certainty, BPD is believed to be caused by inherited genes and/or parental abuse during early childhood.

 

Significantly, if his mother is the source of the BPD behavior, you likely would see no BPD traits in her behavior until you are past the infatuation period, which typically lasts 4 to 6 months (but can last a year or two if you don't see each other very often). During this courtship period, a BPDer's infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy) -- at bay.

 

As soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, those two fears will return and you will start triggering her fears and anger -- if she is a BPDer. Until that happens, a BPDer typically is a very loving and caring individual. My BPDer exW, for example, is an adorable woman who is so warm and charming that complete strangers immediately feel comfortable around her. Within 30 minutes, many strangers have the feeling they've known her for a long time.

[Simple Logic]

I am currently going with this VERY young, sweet, pretty 62 year old woman who is being verbally (and on rare occasions) physically abused by her live-in son who is 45. She is trying to sell her mobile home and move in with me to get away from him, but he keeps battling her every step of the way because he's a pathetic, narcissistic no life with little money, no girlfriend and no friends. He barely works and leaches off her in every way imaginable. She pays 80% of the bills with her disability. He drives HER car with no license because it was taken away from lack of child support. She pays for the registration and insurance. He's a lying drug addict who's hooked on prescription meds. For the most part she stays in her bedroom so she doesn't have to be around him because she hates him. . She's tried to get him out in the past by talking to the cops and the Department of Elder Affairs has been at her house for elder abuse, but they haven't done squat. She lives in a 55+ over community so he isn't allowed to be there. She has contacted the owners of the mobile home park about the situation and they gave her a notice of eviction and he left, but he slept in her car and came back a few days later and has been back ever since. She told me she could go back to the owners of the mobile home park and cops would come and remove him, but she's reluctant to do that because she fears him. She's worried about what he might do when he gets out of jail if she has him arrested. He's threatened to burn her place down and hurt her pets (although he never would, so she claims). She says he's made threats like that before but nothing ever happened. It's all a mind control game. He lays a massive guilt trip on her by playing the victim. She has 2 cats and a pet squirrel she rescued and brought up as a baby and every time she leaves to come stay with me for a few days he blows up her phone making threats and asking when she's going to be back using the pets as leverage to make her feel bad because he's feeding them. He's a friggin' bi-polar, controlling lunatic who screams and belittles her demanding she come home. She's been wanting to sell her place and get away from him for over a year. She wants him out, but he won't leave. I don't know what to do. He is a big dude who's thrashed some of her previous boyfriends half to death because THEY were abusive to her. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. What ticks me off is he's a two face that acts like a total angel when I'm around and be very kind and considerate, then be abusive to her when I'm not there. She keeps telling me not to worry and that he's fine as long as he has her pain pills to take. It told her not to argue back with him. She does stand up for herself, but doing so only makes things worse. I told her to just 'yes' him to death for now and keep proceeding forward with the sale of the house in the meantime. They do get along at times, but it's more often a nightmare where she walks around on egg shells. Her home is in need of a few repairs before puts it on the market, which I told her I would help her fix. He won't do it because he's a lazy piece of crap who's trying to keep her there. She has to have the realtor show the place, but she doesn't know how that's going to happen because he's always there messing the place up. She tells me not to worry and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm concerned about what he might do when he sees the end nearing closer and closer to being homeless and cut off. I've talked with him and he acts like everything's fine and he'll just find his own place, but I know it's all just BS. He hasn't lifted a finger to prepare for the move. I get a little agitated with her because she acts like nothing will, or could ever happen. She tells me he's always made threats to her, but from my perspective it's not to say that anything bad couldn't happen. They had a fight recently where he screamed at her, threw cat food in her face and made like he was going to punch her, but she says she blocks his attack and she ended up leaving to go over her neighbor/friends house. He's even tried to choke her out at one time. The whole situation is nuts. Even if she does manage to sell the place I don't want him tracking her down and coming to my home to get his fix. She says he'll never find out where I live, which I have doubts about. I love this woman more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life and she feels the same. If it weren't for him everything would be clear sailing. I'm not sure what to do. It upsets me to see someone who is so sweet with such a heart of gold being treated this way. I did mention something to my brother, but didn't tell him much, only that he was abusive to her and he told me not to get involved because I might end up going to jail. Her neighbor friend also suggested to take a step back and not make it my concern, but it's difficult. She has no one to stand up to him on her behalf and she's thanked me for doing so because no one ever has. Not even her own granddaughter who is 19. She acts indifferent towards the situation. He tries to intimidate everyone. She's even went as far as telling him I'm a retired cop who's trying to get back on the force and even that didn't make a difference. He was in prison at one time for drugs, but she bailed him out. Something she regrets. I'm at a loss what to do.

 

Here the deal, it is not up to you to save this woman. All her problems with her son are her creation and it is unlikely she will stop empowering him. Even if she moves in with you, she will keep givung him money - maybe your money. For your good, dump this woman and move on.

[Johnson1]

Perhaps so, Vocals. However, most of the behaviors you describe -- emotional instability, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, and always portraying himself as "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). And his disregard for laws and being in prison -- are warning signs for ASPD (Antisocial PD, aka "sociopathy").

 

If your GF is interested in reading about BPD red flags, I suggest she read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest she start participating (or lurking) in the "Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering From BPD" forum at BPDfamily.com.

 

If her son really does exhibit strong BPD traits, her walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger is exactly what you should expect. That's what people do when living with BPDers. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners and relatives) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I strongly recommend that you wait at least a year before letting her move in. If her son really does suffer from BPD or another PD, he likely got it from one of his parents. Although it is not yet proven to a certainty, BPD is believed to be caused by inherited genes and/or parental abuse during early childhood.

 

Significantly, if his mother is the source of the BPD behavior, you likely would see no BPD traits in her behavior until you are past the infatuation period, which typically lasts 4 to 6 months (but can last a year or two if you don't see each other very often). During this courtship period, a BPDer's infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy) -- at bay.

 

As soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, those two fears will return and you will start triggering her fears and anger -- if she is a BPDer. Until that happens, a BPDer typically is a very loving and caring individual. My BPDer exW, for example, is an adorable woman who is so warm and charming that complete strangers immediately feel comfortable around her. Within 30 minutes, many strangers have the feeling they've known her for a long time.

 

I appreciate the input, but lets not over-analyze her. She isn't the problem. What's going on isn't inherited. Her son has a benign tumor by his pituitary gland that is probably the cause of his problems. I'll agree the your diagnosis about BPD sounds on the mark, but it's definitely not hereditary. She is an absolute sweetheart who is adoring and caring person. It isn't right to assume she's a mental case as well because her son is. We already know he's unstable in his emotional mindset of a 15 year old, but it's out of narcissistic and controlling behavior. He does work and can work. He's just chooses to be a lazy slob who wants to take the easy road by mooching off his mother and manipulating her into trying to feel guilty about his upbringing, which is a cop out. What he's doing is gaslighting. The question is not so much what he has but how to rid him from her life. She's afraid to have him locked up. She's instead trying to ween him off her. After she sells her place she plans on using some of her proceeds to get him setup in a place of his own. He did live on his own at one time and had a girlfriend and has a daughter, but he just feel on hard times and into a dependent lazy streak he doesn't want to get out of. This is not about her in the least, trust me. Thanks.

[Downtown]

What's going on isn't inherited.... This is not about her in the least, trust me. Thanks.

Very glad to hear that, Vocals. BPD causes so much suffering that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Best of luck to you and your lady -- and to her son too!

[spiderowl]

I expect a tumour could cause behavioural problems. I wouldn't know for sure but it sounds possible.

 

Have you got evidence that her son is abusing her? I don't mean to sound disbelieving but how do you know that she is telling the truth if he is behaving pleasantly when you are around? If you only know from what she has said, then please pay attention to any hard evidence - such as overhearing him shout at her, that kind of thing. Sometimes people who complain about others have problems themselves.

 

Assuming it is all true, she is in a very difficult situation. Maybe he would get more help with his problems if he did end up in prison? It's hard to know. If he has a brain tumour that is affecting his behaviour, he needs specialist help and advise. Has his mother consulted with a specialist over this to see if it explains what is happening? I know a family whose son has something similar and the behavioural issues are multiplying. I think further investigation of his health problem might be the best route if this is possible/affordable.

[Johnson1]

Very glad to hear that, Vocals. BPD causes so much suffering that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Best of luck to you and your lady -- and to her son too!

 

Thank you. I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he's been cause of the trouble in her past relationships, but she wants to break ties with him once and for all because she honestly adores me. At our age it isn't infatuation. I've been down that road with others. This is a totally different dynamic. We can disagree and get a little agitated with one another because of the stress of her son, but it's not changing our feelings or desire for each other in the slightest. When you finally meet the one, 'you know it'. Even her ex of 15 years whom she broke up with 3 years ago still wants her back, but she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore because he's a drinker and a cheater. Things will work out. The wheels are in motion for her to move in soon. Again, thanks for your input. :-)

[Johnson1]

I expect a tumour could cause behavioural problems. I wouldn't know for sure but it sounds possible.

 

Have you got evidence that her son is abusing her? I don't mean to sound disbelieving but how do you know that she is telling the truth if he is behaving pleasantly when you are around? If you only know from what she has said, then please pay attention to any hard evidence - such as overhearing him shout at her, that kind of thing. Sometimes people who complain about others have problems themselves.

 

Assuming it is all true, she is in a very difficult situation. Maybe he would get more help with his problems if he did end up in prison? It's hard to know. If he has a brain tumour that is affecting his behaviour, he needs specialist help and advise. Has his mother consulted with a specialist over this to see if it explains what is happening? I know a family whose son has something similar and the behavioural issues are multiplying. I think further investigation of his health problem might be the best route if this is possible/affordable.

 

Oh yea, I've heard him over the phone verbally abusing her and calling her all kinds of nasty names, even calling her by her name instead of calling her mom. He and I got into it over the phone when he tried to order her to get home. He puts her on a guilt trip about having to feed her pets and how lonely he is, then when that doesn't work he gets really mean and nasty and will keep calling back over and over and leaving her nasty voicemails and texts. Her girlfriend neighbor knows all about it and her and I have spoken about it. There are times when she would have to go over her place next door to get away from him, so yea, it's real. The guy's a headcase.

 

On a positive note she actually had a meaningful conversation with him today at her home about a possible serious looking melanoma on his back that has him worried, so he agreed to go see a doctor to have his health issues checked out. He had always been reluctant to do so. One thing we do know is he has a fear of abandonment, although she's told me has lived on his own in the past. She told me he pretty much raised his daughter and worked full time while his girlfriend sat back and did nothing, but now that he's not with her anymore and his daughter is an adult, 'he's' become that way, lazy and dependent. Basically he just wants a free ride as long as he can get it through intimidating her, but that's going to end real soon. We're going to see to that. She sees me as a Godsend because no guy she's had in the past would stand up to him on her behalf. He's a pretty tough dude who's thrashed half to death some of her ex's that were physically abusive towards her. She is absolutely the sweetest person you could ever meet. How he could treat her the way he does (or how any guy could) is beyond me. Things will work out. He knows she's moving out and can't stop it. Her and I are working on the transition to make it as easy on him as possible to avoid conflict.

 

Just on a side note, what I'm seeing is what I'm getting. She's not hiding anything. She's been as open and honest as anyone could be. She doesn't care if I know all her password to FB and her computer logon (not that I would even need to check up on her), but she also de-friended and blocked her ex because he wants her back and she wants me to be totally at ease out of consideration and respect because she really cares. She even wants to entrust me with all her savings to distribute to her granddaughter when she's gone and wants to give me a few thousand to put in a savings account so we can go on vacations and have a great life together. All she wants is a good life with a good man and to be stress free. Everything's going to workout awesome. All we need to do is iron out the issues with her son and get him back on the right path and it'll be clear sailing.

Edited April 1, 2017 by Vocals5

[EmilyJane]

Men like that don't get that way by themselves.

 

And she is the one who raised him.

 

Problems in a family are rarely on one side.

 

At the very least her past relationships and her responses about her son betray someone with very poor boundaries who has no experience with healthy relationships and what one might require of her.

 

Your relationship will be unlikely to be all good when she moves in and I think she's conditioned to accept abuse. This man will be part of your lives continually. And you also need to be prepared for a lot of patience and understanding and difficulty because she will not be equipped without a lot of support to be a stable partner

Edited April 1, 2017 by EmilyJane

[Johnson1]

Men like that don't get that way by themselves.

 

And she is the one who raised him.

 

Problems in a family are rarely on one side.

 

At the very least her past relationships and her responses about her son betray someone with very poor boundaries who has no experience with healthy relationships and what one might require of her.

 

Your relationship will be unlikely to be all good when she moves in and I think she's conditioned to accept abuse. This man will be part of your lives continually. And you also need to be prepared for a lot of patience and understanding and difficulty because she will not be equipped without a lot of support to be a stable partner

 

We'll see how it goes. All I know is she's tired of him running her life and wants him out of the picture. She kept her ex in the dark about her son to avoid conflict, although her ex did hear the way he spoke to her and I guess just ignored it. He ended up letting her son stay in a popup trailer at his residence when she lived with him until his drinking drove them apart. He's a drummer, drinker, philanderer. She always promoted his band, but got tired of his BS.

 

In no way, shape or form is her son EVER coming here to live with us or even on my property. He's going to lead a normal life on his own and get his sh** together and she's going to help him, but if she lets him intrude on our relationship to the point where it becomes too much then I'll request she move out and end it. I'm 90% certain that won't happen though. Only time will tell. I'm positive it'll work out for the best. She told me she's never loved anyone as much as she loves me and hasn't looked so deeply into anyone's eyes the way we do. I believe she's sincere. When we're not together we talk like 4 times per day and have marathon conversations. She bends over backwards for me unlike anything I've had before and I love and care about her as equally.

Edited April 1, 2017 by Vocals5

[anika99]

Here the deal, it is not up to you to save this woman. All her problems with her son are her creation and it is unlikely she will stop empowering him. Even if she moves in with you, she will keep givung him money - maybe your money. For your good, dump this woman and move on.

 

Yep, that is really the bottom line.

 

OP I have a younger brother who was verbally and mentally abusive to my mother. My younger brother also had mental issues and I was always worried his abuse would become physical. I could write a book about him and my mother and the dysfunctional dance they did with one another. Myself and my other brother eventually gave up in trying to fix the situation for her because she simply would not participate in helping us help her. As soon as we weren't around she would be letting him back in and giving him everything he demanded. Their relationship was sick and they both shared equal responsibility for it.

 

Also having known my mother and my little brother my whole life I can very much attest to the fact that my mother very much created the environment that allowed that abusive dynamic to spring to life and thrive. My mom is also a very sweet kind lady but she was and is also the perpetual victim, the helpless damsel in distress, always weak and spineles, never taking responsibility for her own problems and choices.

 

You have to stop seeing her as a helpless victim who needs everyone else to rescue her. She accuses her nineteen year old granddaughter of failing to defend her. How the heck can a 62yr old expect a young girl of 19 to be stronger mentally and emotionally than she is. I have granddaughters and when their 19 I'll be kicking ass and taking names of any people who dare to hurt them, not looking to them to defend me. A normal 62yr old woman should be way stronger mentally and emotionally than any 19yr old girl. I have a 90yr old step grandmother who has outlived both her husbands and her son and she is the most intimidating little old lady I know..lol..nobody messes with her.

 

OP the writing is on the wall with this one. This problem is not going to go a away because your gf doesn't really want it to go away. She's part of the dysfunctional dance and she's getting something out of it. Maybe it's all the sympathy she gets or maybe it relieves some lingering guilt she has or maybe it's something else but make no mistake this is something she participates in and contributes to.