pc31 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) Just a hypothetical scenario and a general question about life/relationship philosophy. Let's say there's this guy who is good looking, polite, likes you, has a kind heart and gives your good sex. He also meets pretty much all practical items on your checklist in order to build a family together such as: well educated, respectable job, good salary, willing to share housework, and good background (all family members are well educated and financial independent) However, there is ONE X area that you grave for; you told him, but he can't seem to give it to you. Then you ask yourself: Can you get this X thing somewhere else? And the answer is YES. Can you get something from this guy that you cannot get somewhere else easily? And the answer is also YES, particularly great chemistry, great sex and a good/safe family background to raise a child. But still, it bothers you quite a bit that he cannot give that X thing to you, and you keep secretly wish that he would someday. You eventually give up on changing him and seeking that X thing somewhere else as any logical person would do. But somehow eventually it makes your heart grows further from his... Logically, you realize that you have taken all of his great things above for granted and only focus on the missing part. This is actually quite common for human beings. You feel stupid, but you cannot help but feel that for something as close to your heart as X area, you should be able to get it from your boyfriend and not somewhere else. I guess my question is, do you think that your boyfriend/husband has to be your all in all? What do you do to get over yourself when your boyfriend/husband absolutely cannot give you something that you consider quite close to your heart? In what case, i.e. which X, is it valid for you to leave him? and in which case makes it stupid/silly to leave such a good thing? Thank you for sharing your experience. Edited March 31, 2017 by pc31
basil67 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I cannot answer without knowing what X is. Working out if your expectations are reasonable is part of the equation. For example, if X is that he's married to another women and is unable to commit to you, then I would tell you to leave him. But if X is that you never want him to go out without you, I'd tell you that you're being unreasonable. 5
Author pc31 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) Well i actually am curious about what is considered reasonable and unreasonable to most people, hence i purposefully said X in my question in order to learn from you guys. I would appreciate you guys share your own opinion and experience. This question is intended to be a general relationship discussion. -- But in case you are curious about my specific situation, although it's not really the point of my question, here is my situation: [] Edited March 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic ~6
Author pc31 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 But also, i want to know people's deal breakers... What are reasonable and what are unreasonable? No one seems to want to share their opinion? Is having a LOW income an issue? How about NO college degree? etc.
Imajerk17 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) [] Meanwhile, what people say are deal-breakers or not in HYPOTHETICAL situations--such as in coming up a response for your thread--are often very different from what people end up being OK with in REAL-LIFE. So I really don't know what you are trying to figure out by asking this question. Edited March 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic ~6 1
clia Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 There are a ton of threads about what people consider to be dealbreakers; it varies by the person. Some people will find low income and no college to be dealbreakers and others won't. People are complex, and IMO, it is difficult to find one person who may meet every single item on a checklist, no matter how small, or who is perfect in every single way. No one is perfect. For me, if I found a man who was stable, kind, good looking, financially secure, from a good family, and compatible with me in most ways, I would likely overlook not being able to have intellectually deep conversations with him. I would just have those conversations with my co-workers or girlfriends, or with people on the Internet. 2
todreaminblue Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) if x is major like values standards morals and beliefs and he cant agree or give you that which holds you to those major things..... it will cause a major disconnect whether there is love or not.... for example...if your ultimate family life is to be done in marriage and he/she refuses to commit to marriage and doesnt trust or believe in it.... that's a disconnect that cannot be repaired...and either you live by lowering your own standards and core values with him/her and be unhappy in your family life or you find the right guy or woman who fits that family life picture.....before you start one together.....in hindsight...i woudl tell myself that at nineteen.....and again at 21..... and now i tell myself that again.....at 47 and hope i might listen to that inner voice telling me to do right this time....trust my intuition....the small voice that keeps guiding me..... i cannot be with a guy who doesnt give me affection i cant be with a guy who doesnt accept my family....any of them whther he agrees with how they are or not...dont care he has to accept them.....for who they are..messed up or not...they are my family.....he needs to love them..because they will love him.......he must have that x....... i cant be with a guy who doesnt show care and compassion i cant be with a guy who doesnt want to marry me eventually ..im wasting their time and mine.....so they must have the values and beliefs i have.....they must have that x for sure.... he must have ,my standards or be at least willing to see why i have my standards and respect them and not ask me to lower them to suit him..... that x is necessity he must be honest and be able to communicate ......when he isnt happy or happy...so i know so i can try my hardest and work at making sure things run smoothly and we are both happy.....that x is necessity for the last tiem in my life ina relationship fi i ever have one...i want a guy who has the same dream as me......who cares for my dreams liek i care for his......th etruth is i woudl give up my dreams for the guy i was with and i have many times to help my guy get his dreams.........but the right guy would want me to reach my dreams.....he would want to be there and see my joy my happiness and be happy too.....but this although i would like to x it.......i wont......i would adapt my dreams even if it makes me sad to think about...because my dreams arfe quite beautiful so stoppin this line of thought..because i feel my dreams have importance too.... as far as sex goes...or others who would impact my relationship they are exes in particular....... ..the most important person to a spouse ..is their spouse and thats the way it is meant to be..family need to be accepted but not interfere with the relationship in any way.....there needs to be no disconnect on this subject........friends of both parties need a place too ...but not again in the relationship.....adn exes if friends need to respect th ecurrent relationship to me that is an x outside th ebox adn if the exes or friends dont comply they need to keep theri opinions to themselves.... sex is negotiable...lovely beautiful and negotiable.....some form of making love however and intimacy ...is an x for me...i am too physical a person for it not to be there....hugging affection...i dont do it a lot because i stand back ...but when i do need it ...its nice to feel i can hug my guy ........and making love to me is expression how i show love....and let a guy know how much i love him.....without words...i have a high sex drive but i would adjust mine to match his.....i would just get really excited when i knew it was date night......ahem.....its no big deal to em ina relationship to lower my sex drive if theres intimacy and affection..its probably more important than the actual dance..... intimacy can be shown and learned....values...are already there from the beginning.....maybe in my case even dreams are too......so want to x dreams......just one certain one.....smilin...yep day dreamin now...lol...its actually night here...so i am night dreaming....awake...and i wont x it....but it is an awersome dream........deb Edited March 31, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
SwordofFlame Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 I agree with you in that we should seek what we can't get from others in a partner. These are the must haves and it would be dealbreaker if they don't have these things. Then you consider the other preferences. For example, I'm very much into fitness and sports. I can get these things from other people or just myself. Is it nice if my partner has these same interests? Absolutely, but it's not necessary. It's just a bonus. 1
somanymistakes Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Who cares about what 'most people' think is reasonable? If most people jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? If you do any reading into the whole polyamory subculture (which is NOT the same as swinging) one of the core principles for a lot of people involved is that it's not possible or healthy to expect a single person to be the entire world for you, to meet your EVERY need and match your EVERY desire. Rather than flit from relationship to relationship, constantly unsatisfied because no one is ever perfect (serial monogamy), why not have multiple (not necessarily sexual) relationships? Poly is not swinging, poly is not about having lots of sex with lots of people. Sometimes poly is about three people all living together and acting like they are all married to each other, for the long term. Sometimes poly just means having one sexual partner and one emotional partner, a super-close friend, the kind that would be an emotional affair except that it's not secret and your other partner is okay with it. People work out relationships in lots of weird ways, and as long as they're all being honest and safe with each other, it's really up to them. I'm not saying you should run out and try to get into this lifestyle just because you're feeling unhappy in your current relationship, that would be silly. I'm just saying, there are many, MANY different ways to live, and only you know what's acceptable for you.
central Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 For me, it would depend on what X is and how it affects the relationship as a whole. If it is fundamental to the relationship, like sex, then my gf would need to provide that or there can't be a relationship. If it's an interest in sailing, say, I can do that alone or with someone else - as long as she is fine with that and does not make it awkward or difficult for me to do so. Whatever else it is, if you can get it legitimately elsewhere and your partner is okay with that arrangement, then I think you're good to go. 1
Els Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Let's say there's this guy who is good looking, polite, likes you, has a kind heart and gives your good sex. He also meets pretty much all practical items on your checklist in order to build a family together such as: well educated, respectable job, good salary, willing to share housework, and good background Well, since you've mentioned almost everything, for me the only things I'd see as a 100% dealbreaker if they were lacking would be: 1) Lack of connection/chemistry. No, I'm not being silly, this isn't something that's only important at the start. It doesn't "just fade anyway". I've been with my SO for years and I still feel it, albeit obviously not in a "fireworks every day!" way like how it was at the start - but it's still definitely present and noticeable. On the other hand, there are men I've met whom I know I'd never feel that way about, not in a million years. I'd rather be single than be with a man whom I felt nothing towards - because I know that I'd be at a huge risk for cheating if I build a family with that person and then meet someone whom I DO feel that way about. 2) Wildly divergent mindsets/viewpoints. 'Somewhat different' is okay. But if he was an extremely religious person, didn't believe in women's reproductive rights, didn't believe in equality, believed in a strict hierarchical order, etc - our beliefs would be too different for me to be able to put up with. 1
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