Blackened Heart Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 In just about all the women I have dated, there was a level of work or effort I felt I had to do in order to court and impress the woman. I just recently met this one girl online, we talked for about two weeks before actually meeting, as it took a while for our schedule to work. I could tell over the phone that she seemed to really like me, and when I met her in person, it was very obvious she was almost instantly falling head over heels for me. She wasn't in anyway acting overly clingy or trying to over compensate doing things out of the normal, but the way she spoke, acted, and said thing it was quite obvious the level of attraction she has for me. Now here's the odd thing for me, as I have never experienced this before. For the longest time I would keep thinking and would be frustrated with the fact of how difficult dating can be, having to sometimes jump through hoops just to keep things going. And I started to recognize that the harder something was to gain or win, the more I would try, sort of the thrill of the chase if you will. With this woman, logically she is almost what I would actually want in someone in terms of dating and a potential partner. We have a lot in common, same humor, interests, dislikes, future goals, political/religious views, and just an instant sense of comfort with one another. But the fact that she likes me so much right away is almost making me feel off, not giving me those feelings of really wanting her. It is just so stupid and illogical to me, because I would be talking to my friends about how I just wish I could find a girl that would like me for who I am and really see appreciation in me, without having to go through games. And here I practically have that woman in front of me and I'm having feelings of pulling away . Help? Advice? LOL I plan to keep dating her, I am just not even sure what to even make of this, as it is very new to me.... 1
avvril3000 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Sometimes its not all about who likes you, how pretty or nice she is, it's about the chemistry and connection that intrigues you and wants you to continue seeing someone. With that being said however, its perfectly fine to keep dating her to see where it goes, if feelings open up. All I suggest is to be upfront about your feelings and don't lie or lead her on. Make sure she is clear that you're not where she is right now with feelings, so she herself can make a choice whether its healthy for her own sake and her own feelings to continue seeing you. 4
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 You may have an issue with only wanting women who don't want you. It's a self-esteem thing: you assume only a sub-par woman could want you, therefore, flipping that around, a woman who sincerely wants you must be sub-par. The women whom don't want you are smart enough to not want you, therefore they're the ones who are intelligent and quality. Just one idea. 2
todreaminblue Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 as avvril said be open and honest about how you feel....continue to date her and see where things go fi she ever si to o clingy or possessive let her know when you dont feel comfortable....as far as your feelings of wanting to pull away....what if you did ...do you think you will be happy then? its actually common for people to sometimes fear those who really like them...its like why ...why me.this person must be a little crazy to lik eme so much.....make friends with that thought...crazy can be good because that person who likes you might see loads of potential.....not just who you portray yourself as.......... there's a self esteem issue normally with wantign to pull away from someone who has real interest in you........and the fact if you have had to chase or been rejected a fair bit then ....someone liking you alot is a culture shock..its actually a good thing when interest is mutual......give yourself a chance to feel if it could be really mutual interest .....adn be open about how you feel with her.....if you feel stifled..........best of luck ...deb 1
GemmaUK Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Check out the very recent female love bombing thread. You say you want to meet someone who likes you for who you are - fair enough - but this lady likes you a heck of a lot not knowing who you are - you haven't known each other long enough to get to know each other yet by any stretch. One flag though does not a problem make as I said in the bombing thread. See if anything else comes up to alert your instincts.
Ieris Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 @Blackened Heart ~ There are those who play hard to get where no one can reach them then there are those just land on your plate without you doing any leg work. I think somewhere in between is nice but she just sounds too keen... if things are going too fast you should slow it down and set the pace.
travelbug1996 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Slow it down and watch your boundaries. She's infatuated that's it and that's all. You've never had anyone to be infatuated with you so its catching you off guard. Its flattering but its not real so take it with a grain of salt. I get men infatuated with me all the time. You'll get used to it. lol
lurker74 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 It's a very common psychological issue. Look up push pull...that is usually a longer-term relationship issue but it starts out in the inception of many relationships. You should work to understand it, although you also need to keep in mind that you cannot manufacture feelings, least of all love.
Author Blackened Heart Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 Thanks to everyone for the replies and insight on this. I agree in that a big part of this is likely infatuation. Prior to me she's had a long string of bad dates and relationships. So to have finally met someone who.... well I'm not going to say I'm amazing or anything, I find everyone to be great in their own way.... but considering the type of men she and honestly a lot of other women have told me they have dealt with, just the fact that I live on my own and have a job puts me on the top of the pile . But I see the reason for the infatuation, it's finally having found someone that is a "good" guy and you don't want to screw it up, but feelings are running high. We are meeting today again for the second time, I'll heed the advice of trying to have things stay controlled and enjoy the day with her.
preraph Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 You have this reaction for a variety of reasons, and not all of them are bad. Start with the basics: Men are hunters. Been that way for eons. So having to chase a woman is instinctual, though the ways to do it acceptably are way refined (one hopes) in 2017. The rules have changed, and women have changed, and not all of them want to be hunted and being hunted, also because they have been hunted for centuries, may only set off red flags. So rules of engagement changing but still in play. On the subject of red flags, this is setting off a red flag to you. And there is one rationality for it, though whether it truly is a problem is a matter of how high on the scale she is. A person who seems to automatically act like they're in love with you but doesn't even know you is simply in love with love, i.e., in love with an ideal in their head that they hope and have faith someone will live up to. The ideal rarely ever exists, but the person usually hasn't figured that out yet or may never give up the hope. One facet of this is wanting to start "playing house" immediately. If they start right off playing a role of someone who is with her true love when they don't even know you, obviously, this person is a little delusional and/or obsessive and so in that regard you are right to fear the situation. However, if she's not really seeming to be making assumptions about you and clearly has her own boundaries in place as you would with someone you don't really know, and is exchanging information with you in a normal fashion as you find out about one another, then maybe you just slow the pace to back off the alarm in your head and date others as well. Another reason to fear someone when it seems too good to be true is she could be some type of con artists, out to get gifts or money. Easy to fix: Never give her money because that is uncalled for unless you're married. And never give her gifts more than maybe a bouquet until at least 4 months because a golddigger, even a minor golddigger, can't contain herself from asking for crap that long. They are usually stupid and start hinting around right away or trying to set themselves up as "if you want my precious self, you have to show it." Walk away if that happens. And it seems to happen a LOT on OLD. This could be a good match for you -- or not. You always should give someone a chance who you are remotely attracted to who makes it clear they are also attracted to you because it happens rarely enough.
Popsicle Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 You have been unwittingly conditioned one way and just need to re-condition yourself.
devilish innocent Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 I went through something similar early on with my husband. I knew he was interested in me before my feelings had really developed. It made me overthink things and worry for a while. What really helped me was deciding to always focus on the moment. Instead of questioning where things were going to go, I just focused on being in the present. Feelings would either develop or they wouldn't, but by not thinking beyond the moment, I could just allow things to go wherever they were going to go. 1
Author Blackened Heart Posted April 7, 2017 Author Posted April 7, 2017 You have this reaction for a variety of reasons, and not all of them are bad. Start with the basics: Men are hunters. Been that way for eons. So having to chase a woman is instinctual, though the ways to do it acceptably are way refined (one hopes) in 2017. The rules have changed, and women have changed, and not all of them want to be hunted and being hunted, also because they have been hunted for centuries, may only set off red flags. So rules of engagement changing but still in play. On the subject of red flags, this is setting off a red flag to you. And there is one rationality for it, though whether it truly is a problem is a matter of how high on the scale she is. A person who seems to automatically act like they're in love with you but doesn't even know you is simply in love with love, i.e., in love with an ideal in their head that they hope and have faith someone will live up to. The ideal rarely ever exists, but the person usually hasn't figured that out yet or may never give up the hope. One facet of this is wanting to start "playing house" immediately. If they start right off playing a role of someone who is with her true love when they don't even know you, obviously, this person is a little delusional and/or obsessive and so in that regard you are right to fear the situation. However, if she's not really seeming to be making assumptions about you and clearly has her own boundaries in place as you would with someone you don't really know, and is exchanging information with you in a normal fashion as you find out about one another, then maybe you just slow the pace to back off the alarm in your head and date others as well. Another reason to fear someone when it seems too good to be true is she could be some type of con artists, out to get gifts or money. Easy to fix: Never give her money because that is uncalled for unless you're married. And never give her gifts more than maybe a bouquet until at least 4 months because a golddigger, even a minor golddigger, can't contain herself from asking for crap that long. They are usually stupid and start hinting around right away or trying to set themselves up as "if you want my precious self, you have to show it." Walk away if that happens. And it seems to happen a LOT on OLD. This could be a good match for you -- or not. You always should give someone a chance who you are remotely attracted to who makes it clear they are also attracted to you because it happens rarely enough. You made some really good points to which I can agree on for sure. She's definitely not in the gold digger area, she's actually paid for more things than I have, nothing extravagant but I'm use to the typical of the guy paying more at the beginning. That in itself doesn't bother me at all, I find that to be a really good quality in her, it just definitely clears out the potential of a gold digger lol. You hit a really hard point about playing "house". She's already commented about the distance between us and made hints about moving closer, either her or I. It could be possible she is in love with the idea of being in love, or she's really head over heels for me, I honestly don't know which it would be. But the talk of moving in itself (which would just lead to moving in together) is WAY toooooo soon given we have only seen each other in person for a few weeks. I shot down the talk really quickly, telling her it is way to soon to even be thinking that when we barely know each other and she apologized . I'm still seeing her once or twice a week, but my feelings are definitely still lukewarm. I like the comment about just enjoying the moments, as that is my approach right now, to just enjoy the time together when it happens. Logically this woman has so many good qualities going for her, just not really feeling it like I would. But I'm still giving it a chance to see if my feelings grow or not. Eventually and soon though, if they don't I may have to end things as I don't want to string her along either. Such a shame if so, rare finding a woman like this.
Recommended Posts