avvril3000 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 How often do people fight in a healthy, good relationship? And if so, what kinda things do thy fight about? I'm a bit lost. My last relationship was with a narcissist who snowballed any tiny thing into a huge fight, gave me the silent treatment and often even threatened to leave countless times from something that began tiny. He conditioned me into believing that any argument or disaggreement was a big things and "couples shouldnt fight". Now i'm with this WONDERFUL, amazing guy. We're almost 1 year 6 months in and he is so far the love of my life. I feel like he is the one. He is nothing like my ex, but we do get into arguments now and then (not as often as my ex, and they also dont escalate). But i still, because of my conditioned self, feel more upset and terrible than normal after a bit of a small fight. I feel like we're about to break up. I feel like he is about to leave me. I know its not healthy to think that. but somehow i still do. So, i just kinda need clarification, reassurance from others that even the best of couples fight and things arent always rosey. And whats normal fighting and whats not? thanks....
todreaminblue Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) i think relationships where there is no fighting are destructive...because peopel arent saying what they really feel or think.....fighting can be healthy for one it clears the air and settles hearts ...it stops snowballing resentment over little things from forming and building up as well... i think fighting turns ugly when it becomes accusatory..."you do this you do that and using the words i hate it when you....an offense and defense thing occurs.....if the words are changed to i love it when...... or can we do this together...it becomes a discussion and also asking ......"what can i do? ......to make this better....How can we work at this? i think its the tone of fighting that needs to be checked....and the escalation.....of voices or heartbeats...if you feel your heart starting to race or you feel your voice or his rising its time to step back.....its healthy to say how you really feel and think in a relationship i guess it really depends how you go about it and the tonal quality of your honesty you take on....and how you compromise without losing your sense of self when you have those feelings of abandonment when you fight...fight them not him.....realize it was just a disagreement and the odds of him leaving are failry close to none and work on what the fight was about.....think about his feelings and your own and see if you can coem up with soem solutions ...focus on the crux of the argument (discussion)....and dont focus on an unknown outcome...its pretty self defeating to focus on something that hasnt happened..Concentrate on what you can change or adjust not what you cant.....if the discussion didnt end well and you feel ready to approach the subject again and he does too ...do that...be confident of where you stand on all issues....hold true to your values .....and beliefs and be gentle in your words and willing to compromise the little things and make adjustments to the big things.......that is how i believe you can fight healthy....this might sound really cheesy but if the argument is drawn out...make it a meeting and take notes...of points you would like to discuss .....for me my belief is if you want to take the argument out of a discussion ...make it more professional...taking notes is also a way to control fights...... i have a mentally impaired son and this is going to seem silly ..and a bit off key but ill tell it.....but if our fights are bad ...or turning that way..and the emotions between my son and i are highly passionate and explosive at the best of times.......ill say to him i need to grab the recorder son so i can tape this so we can play it back....and for some strange reason....the fight disappears......no one wants a play by play of bad behaviors...is my guess..... so I take the bad tone from an argument...and what I have is ....a discussion thats regulated...so I also take notes.....before and after...this is what i do if its major......have what I want to say on paper and in the right tone.... as far as a guy leaving over little things....if a guy would do this...is this the type of guy you really want anyway...be confident in who you are and what you bring to the table and what you stand up for.......and dont worry about things that havent happened...says me...the ultimate worrier...who takes notes in journals..sometimes however my notes and journals are a place i put my worries to sleep and out of my head....some people are born worriers and i am one.....i am a worried all the time empath.......smilin..........i wish you well.....deb Edited March 30, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
hippychick3 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I think it's normal and healthy to have fights as long as they're not too frequent (every day or 2), there is no verbal abuse of any kind (name calling, yelling, threatening to leave or breakup, etc.), AND you're able to effectively resolve things and learn from it so it doesn't keep repeating. It's important to hear each other and apologize for your part however small it may be. I probably have a minor fight with my bf every few weeks about something (we are both strong personalities and feisty) but I never feel we are going to break up as a result. They never last long at all. 3
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