Sloppyseconds Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I used to think I was happy with my life. I made my own choices and was accountable to nobody but me. I lived for the moment. I had great friends and great family. Had a steady job. I still have all of that, I have new friends. I still live for me, as and how I want. One thing missing tho, is one friend I never imagined I'd be without. We were close. We shared our life events with each other. Fast forward nearly a decade. We are still friends, in that we are still connected on social media, but there's no more sharing. No more chatting. No more anything. Calls, texts and emails go unanswered. There is a cloud of hurt that looms above us, only there thru my own doing (another long story). I cannot figure out how to fix things, since every time I try it just seems to make things worse. Story of my life. I have had other friends come and go and not bother me, but this one crosses my mind multiple times a day, I don't want to lose it forever. This friendship was never like others, and I think that's why I feel the need to fight for it with all my worth. Anyone out there been down that road before? How were you able to salvage it? Don't say to just let it go. Some people are worth so much more than you think. I need to figure out how to prove that and make my friend realize that even tho we are both moved onward in life, that history built is worth keeping, and that we can still be friends, even if we need a little work to rebuild the 10 we seem to have missed. He understood the many layers of my soul when nobody else could. I can never just walk. 1
Chilli Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Maybe she's outgrown you. Did she get married or something ? l'm thinking you sound like your single and if she didn't get married she might've wanted to be around different people now and perhaps change her life , direction a bit. Just thoughts , probably a mile off. lt's just that l've done this myself with some friends or family for those sorts of reasons, or others.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 No. He hasn't gotten married or anything of the sort. I have but that really didn't change anything in our friendship at the time. We have a complicated backstory, but things were (seemed?) fine and just suddenly tanked. He was talking one day and then simply vanished. We are both mature professionals. This isn't an immature or high school sort of tiff. The behaviour is just out of usual character. I have seen him in passing but no words are spoken. We were never romantically involved or fwb or anything, so it is not as though that's an issue now. Nothing adds up for us to not be friends now, there is just a hurt that does not Seem to heal. Even if you wanted to find new friends, you'd at least say your piece and then walk away, wouldn't you? Why leave so many questions?
Life lessons Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 I'm sorry! It's very unusual that a close friendship, as you're describing, suddenly drifts away with no explanation....especially in your case, where you're uncertain of the cause. When you passed, did you try to speak with him? Did he see you?
preraph Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 What probably happened is he is with a woman who won't tolerate him having female friends. Or he might just be that into her that he set his other friends aside. 4
harrybrown Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 have you talked to your H about this and your thoughts about your friend? Maybe your H could help you by talking to him and see what your friend is thinking. he might not be understanding about your deep feelings for the guy, but helps to keep things open and no secrets between spouses.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 He isn't with anyone, and yes, we aknowledged that we had seen each other in passing. A simple nod. There's no secrets between my H and I, he knows we were close friends and knows we are not talking now for some reason. He is just as stumped as I am. Nothing between us (my friend and I) had changed, it was just one day in conversation and boom, done. No fight, no anger toward each other or anything like that. And it isn't deep feelings as such that are making me want to keep him in my life. But the fact that we've shared so much in life together. We have a long history together, and it is weird losing that connection, that understanding and friendship that you've built. We are all lost when it comes to figuring this one out, and he refuses to speak.if he's got something heavy in his personal life going on that is causing him to be distant, I would understand, but wouldn't you also want your friends to be there for you in whatever it may be? It just plays on me.
Chilli Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Maybe he's been in love with you all along but now that your married !
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 Nah. We'd had chances thru life if that'd been the case
preraph Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Has anything that you know of happened to throw him into a bad depression: Breakup, loss of job, loss of family? Depressed people nearly always withdraw from friends.
spiderowl Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Was there anything in your last conversation with him that involved a disagreement or where he indicated some discomfort on his part? Did he mention anything that had changed recently? It sounds like something happened - maybe something totally unconnected to you - but something changed significantly somewhere. I'm not surprised you are concerned about this.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 I've no idea of anything having happened in his life. His family told me they are unaware of anything either. our last discussion was of something from years prior and he had also said things were fine but that was the summer and here we are almost there again and still nothing.
oldbutcurious Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Nah. We'd had chances thru life if that'd been the case The problem is with him. He is keeping something. You should ask him directly.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 I have but that's where calls texts and emails go unanswered. Read, but unanswered...
mrs rubble Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I wouldn't discount him being in love with you, even if there have been opportunities, maybe he was too shy or scared to make a move. I lost a male friend once because of him being in love with me, he admitted it to me at the time. I'd just been through an awful break up and wasn't ready to get into another relationship...so my friend dumped me too. I was so hurt! I hope you find out what's going on. 1
Chilli Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 how are you using a name like sloppyseconds anyway , do you know what that means? Just a touch grossed out and had to ask.
basil67 Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 There is a cloud of hurt that looms above us, only there thru my own doing (another long story). What's the story behind this 'cloud of hurt' which hangs over the two of you? Could it be that he couldn't get over what ever it was you did? 1
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Yes. Any sort of closure would help at this point.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Yes. I know it sounds gross. It is just a handle meant for how i feel about something.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 The cloud of hurt is because of something unrelated to this issue, but which sort of hangs over us in everything we do from here onward. Something on my end only that he is taking issue or guilt or whatnot with, but something that can't be undone.
Silverstring Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 It's often tough for men to be really close friends with women and not fall in love with them. Men generally are not intimate emotionally with other men and so they associate intimacy with love and sex. If he was one to really open up to you, it is quite possible he is in love with you and so is creating space for his own self-preservation (and so he can find someone else to love). Might be in his best interest to not be friends with you. If you care for him, you will let him go.
basil67 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 The cloud of hurt is because of something unrelated to this issue, but which sort of hangs over us in everything we do from here onward. Something on my end only that he is taking issue or guilt or whatnot with, but something that can't be undone. How can something described as being this bad not be part of the current issue of disconnect? When we move away from people in our lives, it's frequently due to a sum of the problems encountered. It's rarely about one thing.
Author Sloppyseconds Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Something had happened to me some years back. He had not been fully aware of all the details surrounding that, and then once he was, it seemed to gut him. I explained that it was of my own accord, but others told me after that he was holding a sense of responsibility, even though he needn't. The more I tried to explain it to him the worse it seemed to make things. He said things were good, that he just had to process all the new information. And we never spoke after. I have just been told today that the feeling of responsibility is why he's disappeared. This sucks because none of it was his fault. He's been told that over and over but I have no way to show that to him I can only hope he will surface once again because his friendship meant a bunch.
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