ResidentRed Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) Why am I so scared I've overinvested and I'm feeling bad right now. Met a great guy. Went on 2 dates and had a great time. Both times he stayed at mine. He asked me out on the second date, stayed in touch, liked my SM posts frequently. He lives in a bigger town so we met whilst I was working in his town which I do very often. We met in Oct. At Christmas he went away to work amd is travelling a lot and isn't back until mid April. At first when we just met we would chat and he was really responsive but before he went and over xmas his replies often took several hours to a day. I get that could be genuine being busy and not feeling like he had to get back to me but it felt like a fade. He goes away and I feel like I'd never hear again. Few days in he messages me. We've stayed in contact chatting albeit very briefly most weeks. Sometimes just a silly snapchat or whatsapp. Sometimes we chat more and have a convo. Twice he's told me we will meet when he is back. But I have a voice in my head that's scared. He's stopped liking my SM posts since he went but he is online a lot. He does message me and conversation initiation is 60/40 to him starting more contacts slightly. I have really gotten to a place where I would like to get to know him better and the thing is all my friends have told me I'm worrying about nothing. That from the other side of the planet you just don't talk at all to people you're not interested in. He's sent me cute valantines messages too. Often if I message him he replies quickly then sometimes it'll take him hours to respond even though he's online and having a chill day. I know I'm reading way into things but this weird hiatus is really hard. Tried dating others to no avail. I can't stop thinking of him. I only have a little more time to wait now. I think the culmination of events coming up and finding out if he will actually message to meet me after all is making me more anxious. Why am I having such a hard time trusting in people. I wish I could be more confident in him and in myself. Edited March 30, 2017 by ResidentRed
smackie9 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 You know that they might be on line, but they are not looking on line you know what I mean?....I'll leave it for hours, but it shows I'm on line.....especially when I'm gaming. 1
Author ResidentRed Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) I mean on whatsapp or social media sites. He is updating etc. I know it's silly I really do. Sometimes you're just enjoying the travel and the day or updating your story etc and not checking for others posts and his colleague is his best friend so he's travelling with his mate. But he does like posts. Not a huge amount granted. My friends are telling me I'm ignoring the positives and sometimes I have a good feeling. But I am feeling mixed signals a lot. I have had anxiety in the past so it's possible I'm making mountains out of molehills but then again I won't know for a little while still. I'm maintaining my cool I think but it's hard. I feel like a teenager! Maaaan. Edited March 30, 2017 by ResidentRed
Redhead14 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 Why am I so scared I've overinvested and I'm feeling bad right now. Met a great guy. Went on 2 dates and had a great time. Both times he stayed at mine. He asked me out on the second date, stayed in touch, liked my SM posts frequently. He lives in a bigger town so we met whilst I was working in his town which I do very often. We met in Oct. At Christmas he went away to work amd is travelling a lot and isn't back until mid April. At first when we just met we would chat and he was really responsive but before he went and over xmas his replies often took several hours to a day. I get that could be genuine being busy and not feeling like he had to get back to me but it felt like a fade. He goes away and I feel like I'd never hear again. Few days in he messages me. We've stayed in contact chatting albeit very briefly most weeks. Sometimes just a silly snapchat or whatsapp. Sometimes we chat more and have a convo. Twice he's told me we will meet when he is back. But I have a voice in my head that's scared. He's stopped liking my SM posts since he went but he is online a lot. He does message me and conversation initiation is 60/40 to him starting more contacts slightly. I have really gotten to a place where I would like to get to know him better and the thing is all my friends have told me I'm worrying about nothing. That from the other side of the planet you just don't talk at all to people you're not interested in. He's sent me cute valantines messages too. Often if I message him he replies quickly then sometimes it'll take him hours to respond even though he's online and having a chill day. I know I'm reading way into things but this weird hiatus is really hard. Tried dating others to no avail. I can't stop thinking of him. I only have a little more time to wait now. I think the culmination of events coming up and finding out if he will actually message to meet me after all is making me more anxious. Why am I having such a hard time trusting in people. I wish I could be more confident in him and in myself. Went on 2 dates and had a great time. Both times he stayed at mine. Why am I having such a hard time trusting in people. - The statement above doesn't support this statement. You trusted him enough to sleep with him on the first and second date . . . which is OK if that's what you wanted to do. However, the motivation for doing that might be in question. Beyond that, though, you can't trust them because you haven't allowed yourself to get to know them enough to be able to trust them. You haven't allowed him to demonstrate his sincerity. Just sit back and breathe. Let him come to you if he's going to. 5
Author ResidentRed Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 I did feel comfortable enough to sleep with him yes. And I'm kind of new to dating! You are right I don't really know him yet and all I can do is sit back. I just wish there was a way to read the signs but only time will tell. It's just so hard. I think now it's coming to a conclusion soon it's suddenly more scary and real. Now he will be back in a few more weeks and then I suppose he will need time to settle in and then I will know... I'm scared. I really like him. I know it'll hurt if I don't hear but you are correct in that I just need to wait. X
smackie9 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I see my friends on line all the time....I don't expect them to say hi or whatever....they have a life, and I'm the same way. I would never expect a person, even if we were dating to jump at me if they saw me on line. One thing I have learned as I got older, is to respect people's space. They are not going to want to talk to you all the time, they want time to do their own thing which is healthy.....it's time you had some healthier thoughts. 3
kendahke Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 Understand that having sex with a man you barely know isn't a contract obligating him to behave a certain way after that. You can't sex a man into a relationship he hasn't said he wants to be in. In reality, you've spent, at most, 8 weeks in the same proximity and only went out twice. He will be gone twice as long as the time he's actually been in town. He's been polite and attentive when it's convenient for him because he's travelling. His main focus, it would appear, is on his experiences while travelling. That may (or may not) shift once Saturday rolls around. You'll have to be patient and see. But yes--you are way too over-invested when you actually crunch the numbers and step back and look at this objectively. 6
Redhead14 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I did feel comfortable enough to sleep with him yes. And I'm kind of new to dating! You are right I don't really know him yet and all I can do is sit back. I just wish there was a way to read the signs but only time will tell. It's just so hard. I think now it's coming to a conclusion soon it's suddenly more scary and real. Now he will be back in a few more weeks and then I suppose he will need time to settle in and then I will know... I'm scared. I really like him. I know it'll hurt if I don't hear but you are correct in that I just need to wait. X I just posted this in another similar thread . . . cross the bridges that need to be crossed if/when you get to them. Do you drive your car assuming/worrying that you might get into an accident? 2
Author ResidentRed Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 I know you're all correct. And I'm aware I can't sex a man into a relationship, it felt right at the time and I don't regret it. I am just hoping he will want to meet again. His experiences SHOULD be on his work and travel. Absolutely. It's been planned for many years now. I don't often contact him but if he contacts me a few times I maybe do the third time to show I'm interested. Otherwise it's all on him so I give it a few convos then I start one. Sometimes I feel really good but other times I just get overly anxious. I did over invest, for sure. I'm trying to take a step back from my feelings and just chill out. It's hard though once you've made that mistake to step back. All I can do is hang on in there and see I know that. X
Author ResidentRed Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 Well.... he's just got back from his long trip. He kept in contact the whole time with little messages here and there and snapchats. He wants to meet me in a few days. So I guess that's good! I'm really excited but also a bit scared too. I need to try and figure out how he sees me now, but the fact that he's stayed in touch and initiated a meet up so soon is promising. Does anyone have any tips on feeling confident when you're all butterflies and excited nerves? I don't want to just sit making puppy eyes :S I need to feel calm and be myself.
basil67 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Does anyone have any tips on feeling confident when you're all butterflies and excited nerves? I don't want to just sit making puppy eyes :S I need to feel calm and be myself. A glass of wine (but not too many) should do the trick. Have fun, but remember that it's only your third date and you must keep this in context.
Redhead14 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Right now you're full of the anticipation and hope that something may come of this and develop into a relationship. The vision for something with him that you have in your head. But, it's not really him . . . because you just don't know him well enough. So, humanize him a little -- he's not the knight in shining armor (yet), he's just a guy you've gone a few dates with. Confidence shouldn't have anything to do with butterflies/excitement. Confidence is you knowing and understanding that you have lots to offer and are "right" with yourself and your life so if this doesn't work out, you still have all that. Hope and excitement are fun emotions, enjoy them but balance them with some logic and managed expectations. I need to try and figure out how he sees me now -- Forget about "figuring out" how he sees you, let him show you how he feels. Be in your own head and observe how he makes you feel and whether or not he's meeting your early dating needs -- good, consistent communication and seeing you regularly for a start. At some point, preferably before intimacy, you need to have a conversation about YOUR overall dating goal/objective and let him tell you what he wants. It won't be about whether it's going to be with you yet, just be on the same page about goals. If he says he wants a relationship for himself, you still need to observe how he dates you.
Author ResidentRed Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 Yes yes! Oh this is fantastic advice and exactly what I need. Being so new on dating and suddenly you can't message a guy first without being branded a stage one clinger or you can't actually show any emotion in case (heaven forbid) they know you like them and it's making me overthink way too much. I do need to keep it in check and stay cool, behave like I would any contact otherwise I think I would have tendencies to message too often. A mistake I made with this guy in the past although he doesn't seem to have been put off, I was just aware it came from insecurity so I needed to take a step back and chill out. Is there a way to talk about dating without seeming too intense? I.e. Make it as casual as possible? We have been seeing one another physically, this has started as a hook up in effect. So really, I'm aware it could go either way..
Redhead14 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Yes yes! Oh this is fantastic advice and exactly what I need. Being so new on dating and suddenly you can't message a guy first without being branded a stage one clinger or you can't actually show any emotion in case (heaven forbid) they know you like them and it's making me overthink way too much. I do need to keep it in check and stay cool, behave like I would any contact otherwise I think I would have tendencies to message too often. A mistake I made with this guy in the past although he doesn't seem to have been put off, I was just aware it came from insecurity so I needed to take a step back and chill out. Is there a way to talk about dating without seeming too intense? I.e. Make it as casual as possible? We have been seeing one another physically, this has started as a hook up in effect. So really, I'm aware it could go either way.. Yes, make it light/casual conversation. Make a statement about what you want for yourself in terms of dating and life goals and let him say what he's looking for. Since you've already been intimate with him, you are well within your right and responsibility to yourself to get clarity about the situation at least. It started as a hook up, fine, if that is not the kind of relationship you want for yourself, now is the time to turn it around if possible. Don't just ride it out/string yourself along.
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Gosh there are plenty of other guys out there.....get busy and get some dates. 1
Dis Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 IMO..this guy doesnt give a flying f*** about you He hit it...now he's done I think you need to do some thinking about why you're still interested in a guy who isnt giving you the time of day I dont know why you slept with him if you couldnt handle him fading out after that. Never sleep with guys early on unless you're ok with them possibly taking off after Theres nothing here girl. Snap out of this for a second. You guys have met TWICE. You've had spotty communication. Theres nothing between you too. This is all in your mind. I can guarantee you he's not losing any sleep over you If I were you, I'd send him a text saying it was nice to hang out but I'm not longer interested and wish him well. Why hang on to this???? Go find a guy who will give you his attention and put effort into getting to know you rather than sleeping with you on the first and second date and fading out after??? Thats just lame Let this go. Move on girl 3
Jj66 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 IMO..this guy doesnt give a flying f*** about you He hit it...now he's done I think you need to do some thinking about why you're still interested in a guy who isnt giving you the time of day I dont know why you slept with him if you couldnt handle him fading out after that. Never sleep with guys early on unless you're ok with them possibly taking off after Theres nothing here girl. Snap out of this for a second. You guys have met TWICE. You've had spotty communication. Theres nothing between you too. This is all in your mind. I can guarantee you he's not losing any sleep over you If I were you, I'd send him a text saying it was nice to hang out but I'm not longer interested and wish him well. Why hang on to this???? Go find a guy who will give you his attention and put effort into getting to know you rather than sleeping with you on the first and second date and fading out after??? Thats just lame Let this go. Move on girl I might follow this advice of trying to find someone else but I wouldn't bother sending him message. You don't owe each other anything after two dates even if you did sleep together. 2
Dis Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I might follow this advice of trying to find someone else but I wouldn't bother sending him message. You don't owe each other anything after two dates even if you did sleep together. Agreed I dont think he'd mind her disappearing anyway 1
rushed Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Well.... he's just got back from his long trip. He kept in contact the whole time with little messages here and there and snapchats. He wants to meet me in a few days. So I guess that's good! I'm really excited but also a bit scared too. I need to try and figure out how he sees me now, but the fact that he's stayed in touch and initiated a meet up so soon is promising. Does anyone have any tips on feeling confident when you're all butterflies and excited nerves? I don't want to just sit making puppy eyes :S I need to feel calm and be myself. If he wants to go out on an actual date with you that's a good sign (i.e. dinner, movies, a hike, etc.). But if just asks you to come over his place, then that should tell you where you stand with him. If it's the latter, considering that you really like this guy, I would bail before you get your heart broken.
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 Why am I so scared I've overinvested and I'm feeling bad right now. Met a great guy. But I have a voice in my head that's scared. I know I'm reading way into things but this weird hiatus is really hard. Tried dating others to no avail. I can't stop thinking of him. I only have a little more time to wait now. I think the culmination of events coming up and finding out if he will actually message to meet me after all is making me more anxious. Why am I having such a hard time trusting in people. I wish I could be more confident in him and in myself. [...]Does anyone have any tips on feeling confident when you're all butterflies and excited nerves? I don't want to just sit making puppy eyes :S I need to feel calm and be myself. This guy is a no-go, but sounds like there are issues here that extend beyond this guy. You may have self esteem issues or something of the like that need to be worked on . Please take no offense, but there doesn't seem to be a chance for any normal, balanced relationship when you are thinking this way, too wrapped up in anxiety and infatuation.
preraph Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 It's just better if you don't wait and just keep seeing other people and not focusing on someone when the situation is so uncertain. 1
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