Mkn1010 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 OK so I met a great guy through OLD. He’s the onlyguy I’ve been talking to/seeing (I don’t dig multi-dating). We’ve caughtup 4 times now, 2 times per week. So it’s very early days and I must say, I’mtotally freaking out by how much I like him. And get this, we haven’t even madeout. He kisses me on the lips as a ‘goodbye’ gesture after each date, but hasnot made a move. Nor have I. We’re both the shy type, get awkward with receivingcompliments etc. He’s also 3.5 years younger than me (about to turn 27 and I’m30). I’m very inexperienced and feel like a goofy teenager here. And if anyone’sabout to ask whether I want to be dating a guy who seems too shy to kiss me,well the answer is yes, yes I do. It would be highly hypocritical of me toexpect him to be able to move the thing forward physically when I’m too scaredto do so myself. And there’s something very very sweet about him. But also heseems to be intimidated by me OR intimidated/afraid of intimacy OR just slow. So what are we going to do? We laugh a TON, the whole datesare filled with lots of humour. But we don’t talk about serious things and Iget the feeling that he moves SLOW in revealing his emotions. I’m also nervous because he asked me to catch up again atthe end of every date, EXCEPT for last night’s date. Granted, we were in themiddle of laughing and then he did the quick goodbye kiss as the Uber driverwas waiting and then I just blurted out “see you soon”. We had a brief textconvo after the date. But we don’t have plans scheduled at this stage. Also, he usually texts me about once per day just to ask howI’m going and have a joke or two, we definitely don’t spend a long time texting.A few times (maybe 2-3), I have been the one to text first on a day. I have not felt this way in agessssssssss! He is sooooofunny and our life compatibility/tastes etc are so in sync. After every date, Ihave to sit down and just go ‘wow’ to myself. And then the anxiety hits becauseI haven’t been in a relationship in 2.5 years since my long term ex completelyruined me. Do you guys think I’m dangerously verging on getting friend-zoned?
harrybrown Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 next date, kiss him, if you want. should not be in friend zone, but talk to him and honestly tell him how you feel. Be positive. maybe the beginning of a wonderful relationship. You will never know unless you try. 4
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 Kiss him!!! Get up on your tiptoes and kiss him. 2
todreaminblue Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) i think its really sweet and refreshing just to read this.....relax go with the flow to me a kiss on the lips even if soft and quick is not friend zone..its respectful and warm..and thankfully....dry......not friendly......but intimate...and ill often kiss a guy idate on the lips as we say oru goodbyes...to me it shows its more than friends.......even if my kiss is fleeting the warmth is there.... .so just take your time..the awkwardness between two awkward people..lol....it is something that i believe is what can bring a lot of laughter into a relationship...smilin....see you made me smile..and im awkward like no other....i prfer to write smilin..and i doNT know why the EMOTICON doesnt do it for me.....maybe because when i write smilin...i actually am smilin and i aint yellow...although i do love the song.............. so you smile...and relax..enjoy the dates and keep having wow times....best wishes.....deb Edited March 30, 2017 by todreaminblue 4
preraph Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 Take a breath. He's kissing you, so it's not nothin'. If he does fizzle, there are plenty more anxious guys out there for the taking. If you move in on him, since he's inexperienced and anxious, he is as likely to judge you for it and may think you're light years ahead of him in experience and that scares the inexperienced guys. So take a cold shower. It's fine to cuddle and touch, but I wouldn't jump him unless you want him to flee. Good luck. 1
Jj66 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I used to be that way. A very long time ago, mind you. I would be just a little more aggressive but not so much as to scare him away. Next time after he kisses you and pulls away, pull yourself to him and kiss him again. Unless he is completely oblivious, which I doubt from your description, he will get the hint that you want to be kissed. Or better yet, take the initiative and kiss him hello. Why wait for a goodbye kiss? Then kiss him again. There is nothing like going for the second kiss to tell someone you liked kissing them. 5
Author Mkn1010 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 So the update is that I haven't heard from him all day and so I texted him 2 hours ago with no response. He has never not replied within 15 mins. F*****
act00 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 During the rest of the date, was there flirty behavior? Touching? Sitting close? Walking close and holding hands? Anything? Without some cues, maybe he thinks he's friendzoned? Maybe, due to his shyness, he needed some encouragement or for you to be a bit more proactive? I think the best thing you can do is just text him a couple more times and let him know how much you enjoyed the last date and you'd like to see him again, or call and leave a VM. Other than that, the ball is kinda in his court. I hope he comes around.
Jj66 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 So the update is that I haven't heard from him all day and so I texted him 2 hours ago with no response. He has never not replied within 15 mins. F***** Awww. Not what I was hoping. But don't panic and blow up his phone. Give it another day or two, then text, or even better, call him. 2
Author Mkn1010 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 Yeah I just left it and he ended up replying and we exchanged a couple of texts but I decided to just stop texting at the point where he didn't ask a question. And I did that because I need to reset!! I sense myself getting majorly freaked out. And I need to get a grip before I blow up!! This is MY issue! He's doing nothing wrong! I'm just terrified of the same sh*t happening that always happens. And it's hard to be vulnerable! Easier to just to throw my hands up sadly. I'll give it a day or so and see how I feel. I sense the need to sleep on it and for introspection because I'm totally freaked out by how much I like him and how shattered I'll be :/ 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 OK so I met a great guy through OLD. He’s the onlyguy I’ve been talking to/seeing (I don’t dig multi-dating). We’ve caughtup 4 times now, 2 times per week. So it’s very early days and I must say, I’mtotally freaking out by how much I like him. And get this, we haven’t even madeout. He kisses me on the lips as a ‘goodbye’ gesture after each date, but hasnot made a move. Nor have I. We’re both the shy type, get awkward with receivingcompliments etc. He’s also 3.5 years younger than me (about to turn 27 and I’m30). I’m very inexperienced and feel like a goofy teenager here. And if anyone’sabout to ask whether I want to be dating a guy who seems too shy to kiss me,well the answer is yes, yes I do. It would be highly hypocritical of me toexpect him to be able to move the thing forward physically when I’m too scaredto do so myself. And there’s something very very sweet about him. But also heseems to be intimidated by me OR intimidated/afraid of intimacy OR just slow. So what are we going to do? We laugh a TON, the whole datesare filled with lots of humour. But we don’t talk about serious things and Iget the feeling that he moves SLOW in revealing his emotions. I’m also nervous because he asked me to catch up again atthe end of every date, EXCEPT for last night’s date. Granted, we were in themiddle of laughing and then he did the quick goodbye kiss as the Uber driverwas waiting and then I just blurted out “see you soon”. We had a brief textconvo after the date. But we don’t have plans scheduled at this stage. Also, he usually texts me about once per day just to ask howI’m going and have a joke or two, we definitely don’t spend a long time texting.A few times (maybe 2-3), I have been the one to text first on a day. I have not felt this way in agessssssssss! He is sooooofunny and our life compatibility/tastes etc are so in sync. After every date, Ihave to sit down and just go ‘wow’ to myself. And then the anxiety hits becauseI haven’t been in a relationship in 2.5 years since my long term ex completelyruined me. Do you guys think I’m dangerously verging on getting friend-zoned? awww yall are adorable. I wouldn't worry about being friend zoned. I mean he does at least kiss you on the lips. maybe try opening your mouth next time he tries and see if you get some tongue? haha I kid....kinda. 2
EmilyJane Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 This is what my ex was like. We clicked and being together was so great. He even slept in my bed one night and didn't touch me. It went on so long I started wondering if he didn't like me that way. Even though we were seeing each other four times a week. I knew he was shy and I thought he was so wonderful so I sort of decided that I would just wait Until one night eating Thai on my bed watching goofy cartoons he said something so funny that I leant over to give him a hug. And he stole a kiss. And that was it. I found out later that he liked me so much he didn't want f*ck it up. It was perfect. All of it. The careful respect and taking the time to know me and not be pushy and then that kiss out of no where in such a way thar I knew immediately he had been wanting to do it for weeks. A couple of weeks later when we had got to the stage where goodbye kisses lasted for three hours I figured it was my turn and I initiated sex. So... I think just wait. Let him court you and enjoy you and want to kiss you so badly he overcomes his awkwardness. Let him make that first move because for him it's really significant. I don't think you will ever regret the slow awkward but beautiful build up ever. 5
EmilyJane Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) Hmm Thinking back. I was probably giving him clear signals that I wanted to be close to him. I unconciously touch people I like. Non sexual stuff like a hand on a shoulder while laughing and leaning in etc. The previous advice about after the next chaste kiss goodbye leaning in close again for another kiss is not a bad idea. But I suspect you are having problems because of the public nature. Again my ex in private is the most affectionate loving cuddly sexy partner I've ever had but in public a hug can make him deeply uncomfortable. I think you need to create an opportunity for no pressure privacy. Invite him over to make dinner for him one night and rent a movie etc. Make it a long night on the couch so it feels natural to lie on his shoulder. Stuff like that. It's not in the bedroom so it's not an invitation for sex. But is a signal for comfortable low key phyical closeness. And this panic about the text not answered for two hours - STOP IT YOU WILL **** THIS UP IF YOU LET FEAR AND ANXIETY AND NEGATIVE THINKING DICTATE YOUR ACTIONS. DO NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN. AT ALL. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE. He has a life and responsibilities outside of his association with you and he may well need some man cave time to process and assess and figure things out. Be the woman who understands that need and can be cool with it because she has her own stuff to do. Who's world does not revolve around him. He will appreciate that deeply. Shy men appreciate being understood for their need for introspective alone time. Because many people don't and take it personally and misunderstand it for rejection or rudeness. If he is into you he will be in contact in his own time. Resist the opportunity to control the time frame for response. And if he is not interested bombarding him with texts every hour will absolutely not make him want you anymore. Which means you need to manage your own emotions instead of using contact with him to do it. It is not his job. And if it turns out to not work out. You will survive and grow through it and learn from the experience. And will absolutely still get your ass out there and find love. Xx Edited March 30, 2017 by EmilyJane 3
Author Mkn1010 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 Thanks to all you legends I've narrowly maintained my cool! We'll see what happens and yes, EmilyJane, I will not send another message! You post truly put a smile on my face today very beautiful story! And Deb, I nearly got tears reading your kind words! I'm truly a fish out of water so thank you all xx I just hope I can get my **** together and one or both of us doesn't run for the hills! I'll keep you updated 3
todreaminblue Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 This is what my ex was like. We clicked and being together was so great. He even slept in my bed one night and didn't touch me. It went on so long I started wondering if he didn't like me that way. Even though we were seeing each other four times a week. I knew he was shy and I thought he was so wonderful so I sort of decided that I would just wait Until one night eating Thai on my bed watching goofy cartoons he said something so funny that I leant over to give him a hug. And he stole a kiss. And that was it. I found out later that he liked me so much he didn't want f*ck it up. It was perfect. All of it. The careful respect and taking the time to know me and not be pushy and then that kiss out of no where in such a way thar I knew immediately he had been wanting to do it for weeks. A couple of weeks later when we had got to the stage where goodbye kisses lasted for three hours I figured it was my turn and I initiated sex. So... I think just wait. Let him court you and enjoy you and want to kiss you so badly he overcomes his awkwardness. Let him make that first move because for him it's really significant. I don't think you will ever regret the slow awkward but beautiful build up ever. so true .....it is beautiful isnt it.....the waiting the sweetness the mystery fo when and how and where...........its wonderful ....deb 1
EmilyJane Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Thanks to all you legends I've narrowly maintained my cool! We'll see what happens and yes, EmilyJane, I will not send another message! You post truly put a smile on my face today very beautiful story! And Deb, I nearly got tears reading your kind words! I'm truly a fish out of water so thank you all xx I just hope I can get my **** together and one or both of us doesn't run for the hills! I'll keep you updated Well I mean you can probably contact him again if it's like your turn. You don't sound like you're going to be doing it from anxiety now.
Author Mkn1010 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 Well he was the last to text last night but his message didn't require a response. But yeah, didn't hear from him at all today and it's now 10pm (in Australia). And I'm not entirely sure if I should be giving him space and letting him lead OR showing more interest myself. Of note, the only different thing about our most recent date is that he didn't ask to hang out again right at the end of it like the prior 3. So that has me worried. And since the date (which was two days ago). He has responded to my messages but not initiated a convo with me. So does that mean I should wait it out? I have no idea!
EmilyJane Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Well he was the last to text last night but his message didn't require a response. But yeah, didn't hear from him at all today and it's now 10pm (in Australia). And I'm not entirely sure if I should be giving him space and letting him lead OR showing more interest myself. Of note, the only different thing about our most recent date is that he didn't ask to hang out again right at the end of it like the prior 3. So that has me worried. And since the date (which was two days ago). He has responded to my messages but not initiated a convo with me. So does that mean I should wait it out? I have no idea! Well, there's these two things I've learnt that might help. 1. If a guy is into you, whether you show enough interest in a text, have taken the lead or not taken the lead or any of the other things you've mentioned - there is absolutely nothing on earth that will stop him from trying to be with you. 2. When you don't know what to do, do nothing because it usually means you don't have enough info to be able to make a decision yet. And you need. I mean seriously need this minute. To do some other things. What you are doing with the worry and second guessing is sending yourself the message that he is a bigger part of your universe than he is or than anyone should be. It is Friday night. Make as many plans for the weekend without him as you can even if they are just a bubble bath. Things for you. And keep doing them for as long as you know this guy. Keep doing those things for as long as you are alive. If you haven't heard from him by the end of the weekend. Make plans for that week with other people and the next weekend. Becaus it does not matter if he is just man caving because he's an introvert he still needs to know that you have a life without him and if he does not lock you in for dates the next time he wants to see you you will not be available. And if he's pulled the fade then the more things you have in your schedule reminding you who you are the less it will matter. It does not matter if he is into you or not, you will survive and now you need to put conscious effort into your current emotional wellbeing. You need to send yourself some healthier more balanced messages about this guy. He's great and it was very promising but it's only just started and you're just waiting to see what if anything develops while you get on with your full happy life.
WaitingForBardot Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Well he was the last to text last night but his message didn't require a response. But yeah, didn't hear from him at all today and it's now 10pm (in Australia). And I'm not entirely sure if I should be giving him space and letting him lead OR showing more interest myself. Of note, the only different thing about our most recent date is that he didn't ask to hang out again right at the end of it like the prior 3. So that has me worried. And since the date (which was two days ago). He has responded to my messages but not initiated a convo with me. So does that mean I should wait it out? I have no idea! It's possible after 4 dates that he is beginning to feel comfortable enough with you to not have to make that next date on the spot. Part of asking for the next date at the end of the current one is to assess how the current date went. He may be beyond that at this point. It wouldn't hurt to contact him one more time, maybe even asking when (not if!) you're going to meet again, if you can be so bold anyway. If there is no contact after that then you'll have to settle for being disappointed.
Author Mkn1010 Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 Thank you so much! This is so very valid! And I'm happy I've employed your tips, I've been to brunch today, I went and visited a friend and tonight I'm hanging out with my sister! I guess I just haven't been able to keep it far from my mind though so I thought I'd write it here instead of keeping it in. I'm pretty good at hiding my anxiousness, my friends are usually shocked when I tell them about it and all my work colleagues think I'm the calm/chilled person they go to in cricies situations. But I'm in fact very in my own head a lot of the time and that goes with my introvert personality. So I still haven't heard anything clearly! And I know my life is not going to be over and I'll be fine either way. It's just that I can't trust my own judgement, what I perceived to be a great beginning may have been merely my one-sided perception! And I don't really know why he always asked me for the next date if he wasn't feeling it. The other part I beat myself up about is how I'm physically shy and not flirty like other women can be. Anyway, do you think it's advisable to do nothing for the remainder of the weekend and then make a last ditch effort to text him in a day or so, asking if he'd wanna hang out? And this would be only because he texted last and maybe (just maybe) he's feeling the same way as me, anxious, and therefore not doing anything. Because neither of us has texted in the last two days now in all fairness. Or am I going to further invest into something redundant. 1
EmilyJane Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 (edited) How did the last text exhange end and have you messaged more than once since? Hang on I've just scrolled up. Yes you could message now and ask him how his weekend is going. I think you should also ask him out. You've not been the one to suggest a date yet. So end the text by asking if he would like to go do x with you on x day. Make it Tuesdayish. You are still freaking out about nothing. What is up with this last ditch stuff? The only thing that has actually happened is he's not locked you in for a next date. Edited April 1, 2017 by EmilyJane 1
Author Mkn1010 Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 I just sent the text as you suggested above .... at least I'll know I tried!
Author Mkn1010 Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 So in my text I suggested he come over to hang out and he replied with: "Yeah could do but can only do Friday next week unfortunately" That's a pretty **** response if you ask me!
Author Mkn1010 Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 He ended up following up with: I'd say I'm not really on your level relationship wise even though I thought I could be :(
joseb Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 He ended up following up with: I'd say I'm not really on your level relationship wise even though I thought I could be :( What exactly does that even mean??
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