Can Bad Habits be Changed?

[Miss Peach]

I'm noticing some bad patterns starting in my relationship that to me feel like a lack of considering my feelings, double standards, and disrespect. He genuinely seems surprised he keeps hurting me but at the same time I know if I did what he is doing he would freak out. I wonder about his sense of empathy since he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong until I point it out to him. He does seem to be remorseful and upset he hurt me.

 

I don't want to be accusatory or anything like that with BF but I also can't tolerate this behavior. I've brought up being hurt by these behaviors as they occurred. I want to bring this up to try to set expectations and change the rules so to speak before I hit the end of my rope.

 

I don't want this to seem to him like I'm trying to control him or punish him but I feel I do need to figure out how to bring up how horrible he makes me feel sometimes when he has a lack of judgement and figure out how to keep it from occurring again for me to stay in this relationship. Otherwise I'll need to leave.

 

I was hoping to get some advice, especially from a male perspective, to bring this up in a non-accusatory manner that some things need to change but also get across the seriousness of it that if these things continue I will break up with him. One of the areas that have been hurtful to me have been omissions so I also don't want to create an environment where he fears opening up will lead to getting dumped.

 

IME men can shut down really easily when you point out things they did wrong so I'm hoping to figure out the best way to approach this so he will listen and hopefully this can turn into a how we can do better together discussion. I've also found a lot of men understand space better than discussions but I don't want to stir up drama to get my point across.

[Shanex]

Can you name a few specific things he has done to you that were disrespectful, or hurt you?

 

I'm pretty sure I have been here too, and didn't realise it either, until we had an argument. So if you have a point or two specifically that offended you and you don't mind sharing, go ahead, maybe I can help.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm noticing some bad patterns starting in my relationship that to me feel like a lack of considering my feelings, double standards, and disrespect. He genuinely seems surprised he keeps hurting me but at the same time I know if I did what he is doing he would freak out. I wonder about his sense of empathy since he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong until I point it out to him. He does seem to be remorseful and upset he hurt me.

 

I don't want to be accusatory or anything like that with BF but I also can't tolerate this behavior. I've brought up being hurt by these behaviors as they occurred. I want to bring this up to try to set expectations and change the rules so to speak before I hit the end of my rope.

 

I don't want this to seem to him like I'm trying to control him or punish him but I feel I do need to figure out how to bring up how horrible he makes me feel sometimes when he has a lack of judgement and figure out how to keep it from occurring again for me to stay in this relationship. Otherwise I'll need to leave.

 

I was hoping to get some advice, especially from a male perspective, to bring this up in a non-accusatory manner that some things need to change but also get across the seriousness of it that if these things continue I will break up with him. One of the areas that have been hurtful to me have been omissions so I also don't want to create an environment where he fears opening up will lead to getting dumped.

 

IME men can shut down really easily when you point out things they did wrong so I'm hoping to figure out the best way to approach this so he will listen and hopefully this can turn into a how we can do better together discussion. I've also found a lot of men understand space better than discussions but I don't want to stir up drama to get my point across.

 

Do it after sex when you're cuddling, or whisper it to him while teasing him for sex,

Do it as a discussion and request, don't demand it, and put his resolve to the test.

If he loves you, and he listens, he'll make a change hopefully in a few,

Because that's what men do for the women they love: almost anything for you.

[preraph]

The only way to change someone is to not tolerate their behavior. This doesn't mean you have to have a big fight. It just means you become less available and also do not reward them for bad disrespectful behavior by continuing to have sex with them, etc. Then you see if they can or will change real quick. Or if they don't.

[Sweetfish]

Do it after sex when you're cuddling, or whisper it to him while teasing him for sex,

Do it as a discussion and request, don't demand it, and put his resolve to the test.

If he loves you, and he listens, he'll make a change hopefully in a few,

Because that's what men do for the women they love: almost anything for you.

 

 

Do not use sex as a tool to convey a message as such... its manipulative

[Jj66]

Both of the first two responses advocate using sex to get what you want: One by using it as an enticement and the other as a weapon of denial.

 

I don't think either method of manipulation is a good idea.

[Altair0770]

Ask him to have a serious sit down and a talk. You cannot continue a relationship like this. Write down what you want to say. Not a script, but things you want to get across.

 

It's not controlling and such if he's doing things that impact your feelings. If he's doing his own things and you're just jealous or manipulative then that is controlling, or trying to force him to cut back on things he enjoys yada yada yada. Basically trying to change him when it's not something harmful.

 

I'd ask to sit down and have a talk. You don't need an ultimatum, but just tell him that the direction the relationship is heading is unhealthy, and the way he is treating you is making you unhappy.

 

If he flips out on you, or disregards everything you say, then you have a decision to make. Accept being treated like dirt or drop his ass.

 

Can bad habits be changed? Of course, but it takes a LOT of mental work and a complete willingness to change said habits. Sometimes even therapy.

 

Honestly, my philosphy is life is too short to wait for other people to change if they aren't making 100% effort. If you dislike some of the things he does/says, you need to decide if it's worth having a relationship with those issues or simply breaking up with him.

 

IMO, I'd cut the losses and break up if you aren't happy in the current situation unless you can see him making a huge effort to change. Just remember you cannot change people, only they can change themselves.

[Jj66]

How long have you been involved?

 

I believe in this strategy:

 

Cut your losers early but give your winners some slack.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Jj66

[Miss Peach]

I don't want to tie it to sex. I want to get things across in a way where I feel he's really listen and hopefully want to do some of these things better. This is basically my last ditch effort to lay out my expectations but at the same time, many of these things are so basic it feels devaluing having to explain this stuff.

 

Can you name a few specific things he has done to you that were disrespectful, or hurt you?

 

I'm pretty sure I have been here too, and didn't realise it either, until we had an argument. So if you have a point or two specifically that offended you and you don't mind sharing, go ahead, maybe I can help.

 

There were 3 major things that stand in my mind.

 

1. We initially were discussing possibly an open relationship but we hadn't discussed what kind or what it might look like. We both had taken out OLD profiles for a month. I found out he reactivated his without telling me and started talking to a woman there and offered to hang out with her with no mention he was involved with someone else. He basically portrayed himself as single. He doesn't know I knew about it (6th sense feeling) and he didn't say anything to me on his own. I asked him if something changed over that week because he seemed different and that's when he told me. I had an issue with it because we hadn't establish any boundaries on it and he never told me he changed the agreement in advance.

 

2. He frequented strip clubs prior to us getting together and tried to befriend some of them and even went out on a date with one of the women there. He's thankful they taught him he was too needy and negative so he made some changes.

 

Two of these women (the one he went on the date with and the friend) he tracked them down at work when they stopped responding to him. I just found this out last weekend. His reply was "I don't tell you about every conversation I have. It was just a conversation". I told him, even taking away their profession, I tell you when guys talk to me and I don't go chasing them down at their work if they don't talk to me.

 

I mentioned when we have the conversation for the OLD account that I prefer to do things like that together if we are ever going to go into mon-monogamy. He's never mentioned going in all the times he's told me about what he's been up to. I found out he's been going about once a month to have these 'discussions' with the dancers.

 

3. He went through a period of a few weeks where he cancelled dates on me. I told him if it happens again he's is getting de-prioritized. He also wanted to see me after the plans he made in lieu of me. I told him I wouldn't see him those nights. It happened again so I didn't see him for a week (and the plans he tried to make with me were all last minute). He freaked out and sat in front of my house for hours to see me when I got home.

 

How long have you been involved?

 

I believe in this strategy:

 

Cut your losers early but give your winners some slack.

 

6 months now

 

On a day to day basis we get along well and just fit in each other's lives very well. But the 3 incidents above really give me pause. It's like he applies a double standard where he can do things but I notice he gets really uncomfortable if I do anything he does - even if I don't take it anywhere near to the extreme he does. Like a lot of guys hit on me in front of him. I don't give them the time of day but I see he's very uncomfortable about it even though he doesn't say anything.

 

I also have an issue where he seems to have a completely different set of rules than I do on what to disclose and what the other person should know. He openly admits to me I've never freaked out on him, yelled, etc. so there's no reason he has to hide anything from me.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Miss Peach

[Redhead14]

I'm noticing some bad patterns starting in my relationship that to me feel like a lack of considering my feelings, double standards, and disrespect. He genuinely seems surprised he keeps hurting me but at the same time I know if I did what he is doing he would freak out. I wonder about his sense of empathy since he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong until I point it out to him. He does seem to be remorseful and upset he hurt me.

 

I don't want to be accusatory or anything like that with BF but I also can't tolerate this behavior. I've brought up being hurt by these behaviors as they occurred. I want to bring this up to try to set expectations and change the rules so to speak before I hit the end of my rope.

 

I don't want this to seem to him like I'm trying to control him or punish him but I feel I do need to figure out how to bring up how horrible he makes me feel sometimes when he has a lack of judgement and figure out how to keep it from occurring again for me to stay in this relationship. Otherwise I'll need to leave.

 

I was hoping to get some advice, especially from a male perspective, to bring this up in a non-accusatory manner that some things need to change but also get across the seriousness of it that if these things continue I will break up with him. One of the areas that have been hurtful to me have been omissions so I also don't want to create an environment where he fears opening up will lead to getting dumped.

 

IME men can shut down really easily when you point out things they did wrong so I'm hoping to figure out the best way to approach this so he will listen and hopefully this can turn into a how we can do better together discussion. I've also found a lot of men understand space better than discussions but I don't want to stir up drama to get my point across.

 

How long have you been seeing him?

[JADIE]

Do it after sex when you're cuddling, or whisper it to him while teasing him for sex,

Do it as a discussion and request, don't demand it, and put his resolve to the test.

If he loves you, and he listens, he'll make a change hopefully in a few,

Because that's what men do for the women they love: almost anything for you.

 

THIS! Worked for me, but it's taken 6 yrs to get to a point where we can both express needs without triggering insecurities in the other. It's all about emotional trust.

 

ETA: I don't consider after-sex cuddle discussions manipulative. It's a time when we are emotionally connected & open to each other and have some of our absolute best talks about where we are and where we want to be.

Edited March 30, 2017 by JADIE
just cuz

[Redhead14]

I see that you've been seeing him for 6 months and you've addressed the issues a few times already. In the early stages of dating, you should be evaluating what happens in the relationship more "organically" -- without coaching, pulling, pushing, etc.

 

This kind of thing is significant and is not something a person can switch on or off, so if his behavior/attitude doesn't work for you, now is the time to cut bait.

 

Hashing and rehashing is a waste of time and emotion. Either he hears you, is willing and can make changes/compromises, etc. or he won't. This is not an established long-term relationship that has run into a new "situation" and therefore you are committed to working it out. Right now, you are still evaluating the viability/possibility of a more committed relationship.

 

However, if you are determined to keep trying, you'll need to approach it differently. Positive reinforcement is usually more "palatable". And, never use negative statements like "you never do X" or "you always do X when . . .". A better way is "I like it when you do X" or "It helps me when . . . ".

or "Xbehavior hurts me very much, Xname. Can we talk about a better way to handle this kind of thing in the future."

[EmilyJane]

Can I ask an odd question before I weigh in:

 

why do you think this guy your boyfriend?

 

And what do you want from him and how do you expect the relationship to progress?

 

Bear with me it's important

[PegNosePete]

I found out he reactivated his without telling me and started talking to a woman there and offered to hang out with her with no mention he was involved with someone else.

...

I found out he's been going about once a month to have these 'discussions' with the dancers.

...

It happened again so I didn't see him for a week

These are not "bad habits", they are deal-breakers!

 

Deal Breakers!!!

 

Meaning, not something you negotiate or try to fix. They break the deal. Do not pass go, do not collect £200.

 

there's no reason he has to hide anything from me.

Oh yes there is. You just don't know what it is (yet).

[Sweetfish]

THIS! Worked for me, but it's taken 6 yrs to get to a point where we can both express needs without triggering insecurities in the other. It's all about emotional trust.

 

ETA: I don't consider after-sex cuddle discussions manipulative. It's a time when we are emotionally connected & open to each other and have some of our absolute best talks about where we are and where we want to be.

 

Yes.. I know a lot of business men who use this same technique and it worked for years. Its about connection and trust

[Sweetfish]

I don't want to tie it to sex. I want to get things across in a way where I feel he's really listen and hopefully want to do some of these things better. This is basically my last ditch effort to lay out my expectations but at the same time, many of these things are so basic it feels devaluing having to explain this stuff.

 

 

 

There were 3 major things that stand in my mind.

 

1. We initially were discussing possibly an open relationship but we hadn't discussed what kind or what it might look like. We both had taken out OLD profiles for a month. I found out he reactivated his without telling me and started talking to a woman there and offered to hang out with her with no mention he was involved with someone else. He basically portrayed himself as single. He doesn't know I knew about it (6th sense feeling) and he didn't say anything to me on his own. I asked him if something changed over that week because he seemed different and that's when he told me. I had an issue with it because we hadn't establish any boundaries on it and he never told me he changed the agreement in advance.

 

2. He frequented strip clubs prior to us getting together and tried to befriend some of them and even went out on a date with one of the women there. He's thankful they taught him he was too needy and negative so he made some changes.

 

Two of these women (the one he went on the date with and the friend) he tracked them down at work when they stopped responding to him. I just found this out last weekend. His reply was "I don't tell you about every conversation I have. It was just a conversation". I told him, even taking away their profession, I tell you when guys talk to me and I don't go chasing them down at their work if they don't talk to me.

 

I mentioned when we have the conversation for the OLD account that I prefer to do things like that together if we are ever going to go into mon-monogamy. He's never mentioned going in all the times he's told me about what he's been up to. I found out he's been going about once a month to have these 'discussions' with the dancers.

 

3. He went through a period of a few weeks where he cancelled dates on me. I told him if it happens again he's is getting de-prioritized. He also wanted to see me after the plans he made in lieu of me. I told him I wouldn't see him those nights. It happened again so I didn't see him for a week (and the plans he tried to make with me were all last minute). He freaked out and sat in front of my house for hours to see me when I got home.

 

 

 

6 months now

 

On a day to day basis we get along well and just fit in each other's lives very well. But the 3 incidents above really give me pause. It's like he applies a double standard where he can do things but I notice he gets really uncomfortable if I do anything he does - even if I don't take it anywhere near to the extreme he does. Like a lot of guys hit on me in front of him. I don't give them the time of day but I see he's very uncomfortable about it even though he doesn't say anything.

 

I also have an issue where he seems to have a completely different set of rules than I do on what to disclose and what the other person should know. He openly admits to me I've never freaked out on him, yelled, etc. so there's no reason he has to hide anything from me.

 

 

 

Soooooo. My question is.....

 

Is this suppose to be an alternative relationship or are you looking for a mutual traditional relationship. It appears you clearly indirectly allow these boundaries to transpire and any discussion you have, you submit to them and he will continue to push these boundaries. You only know whats on the surface. You have no idea what he is doing or who he is doing behind your back... New information is unraveling and he is being cheeky and trying to be witty with his answers: aka gas lighting

 

I guess in an alternative relation... you can have security and trust in your partner..but is that the risk your willing to take? Traditional relationship seem to be hard work already..I can't imagine this one... and he can even be on his best behavior for a clean 6 months.

[Els]

I'm not sure those issues are things that you can solve by simply talking, OP. Stuff that you can solve by talking tends to be more along the lines of misunderstandings, lack of knowledge, not putting in the right SORT of effort, so on and so forth. This just sounds like him blatantly not caring.

[Miss Peach]

I know the chance of things working out are slim but for my conscience I like to *KNOW* there's nothing more to do. I don't feel I should have to lay things this basic out to a grown man. I know he's only been with one women his entire adult life which is often his excuse but still it seems like he would have learned something about social interactions at his age (40s). I'm not quite sure why I've had such a pull to him as he's below what I date typically in charm/personality and looks.

 

My issue with the after sex discussion is that both of us feel like going to sleep after sex (I'm probably the bigger offender here). Plus if I get emotional that will impact my sleep.

 

I'm going to just lay it all out there about how I feel when we have some time to talk and that's all I can do. He know I've wanted to talk to him about something and has brought it up a few times but we've haven't been alone for long this week where we weren't exhausted. It will be up to him to either disappoint me or make things right. I'll have my answer either way.

 

He had wanted me to go to his cousin's wedding for me to meet his extended family (I've already met the immediate family). I am going to pass. No use spending that time and money if I'm not sure it's long-term.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Miss Peach

[Silverstring]

OP, he won't give you a straight answer, or maybe he will, but he will continue to do those things (just will hide it a bit better).

 

That being said, I think you need to explore your own values. What is it that you want in a relationship? Monogamy? Polyamory? Open relationship? What does a good partner behave like in your eyes?

 

And have you discussed boundaries, what each of you are comfortable with etc.? If you are going to have this discussion it might be worth just talking more specifically about boundaries within your relationship. If his are different then yours, you're just not compatible so time to split up.

[Sweetfish]

I know the chance of things working out are slim but for my conscience I like to *KNOW* there's nothing more to do. I don't feel I should have to lay things this basic out to a grown man. I know he's only been with one women his entire adult life which is often his excuse but still it seems like he would have learned something about social interactions at his age (40s). I'm not quite sure why I've had such a pull to him as he's below what I date typically in charm/personality and looks.

 

A grown woman needs to know when to cut her losses.

[EmilyJane]

A grown woman needs to know when to cut her losses.

 

And when she's acting like she's in a committed adult monogamous relationship when she's someone's no conditions f*ck buddy.

 

Dude. He is stalking strippers.

 

Wake up.

[preraph]

Both of the first two responses advocate using sex to get what you want: One by using it as an enticement and the other as a weapon of denial.

 

I don't think either method of manipulation is a good idea.

 

If someone is doing something that is unfair to you, why would you want to have sex with them? Women are not built that way. If you make them mad, they don't feel sexy usually.

 

The basic rule in behavior is you do not reward bad behavior, and sex is the number one thing men value, so it's the first to go. Conversely, if he does good one time in three on whatever is annoying you, reward him liberally. I say if you don't want to be trained like a monkey, don't behave like one.

Edited March 31, 2017 by preraph

[basil67]

Do it after sex when you're cuddling, or whisper it to him while teasing him for sex,

Do it as a discussion and request, don't demand it, and put his resolve to the test.

If he loves you, and he listens, he'll make a change hopefully in a few,

Because that's what men do for the women they love: almost anything for you.

 

My hubby would stop having sex if I started having relationship discussions afterwards. One huge mood killer there.

[elaine567]

YOU bought a fixer upper. A blank slate that you thought you could repair and creatively model into your perfect residence.

 

BUT you failed to notice that this was no good honest building that had just fallen on some hard times. A lick of paint, some new plumbing, a replacement kitchen and bathroom and it would be as good as new.

 

NO, this is a building with subsidence, damp, wet rot, dry rot, woodworm, rodent damage etc. at its core and to cap it all, it is in a very bad neighbourhood with dodgy characters all around too.

You need to cut your losses here and run, sell up and leave someone else to bankrupt themselves trying to fix it.

[angel.eyes]

He's stalking strippers who have stopped talking to him and trolling online to cheat on you behind your back! And that's just the stuff you've uncovered. Not to mention, he was prioritizing his extracurriculars over dating you! Planned dates with you were cancelled for other activities, but then he expected you to get together for late night hookups after he cancelled on you???

 

Just no! What exactly are you trying to salvage? More importantly, why would you even try after that repeated level of disrespect and lack of integrity? You've learned enough at six months to know he's a non-starter in the relationship department. Leave him to his strippers.