Getting back in touch with ex girlfriend

March 29, 2017

I'm 27 (male), she's 22. Overall, we started seeing each other for 4 months, 3 months with the label boyfriend/girlfriend. This was my first serious relationship. Met a girl on Tinder and immediately vibed and felt a spark when we first met. We met up and she stayed the night and we had sex the next morning. We began seeing each other very often for the next couple months or so. I fell madly in love with her. She was the first to tell me that she loved me. I introduced her to my parents and extended family. During the relationship, I would often initiate planning of dates, taking care of her (she didn’t have a car so I would bring her to school, took care of her when she was sick, made breakfast, etc.) I eventually ended up getting comfortable in the relationship and started to take her for granted. In the beginning, I would pay for 100% of things usually, but as the relationship went on, it ended up being around 70%. Didn’t practice active listening and read in between the lines when she subtly needed something. I had opened up to her and displayed my weaknesses (insecure about not having a full time job, although I had been taking on contracts), she said she needed a man where she felt protected. I found out she ended up going to a night club through social media on several occasions.

She had mentioned marriage (she was on a student visa, and would be expiring 8 months, so it was likely related to this), but I told her I was not ready. She seemed down for the idea of pursuing a marriage of convenience while also considering staying with me for love. For the past couple weeks of the relationship, she started acting distant/cold and never really initiated contact. She texted me saying we need to talk and we discussed out relationship although it wasn’t really clear that we were broken up. We met up couple days later and had a nice date. When we got back to my place, we talked some more and we discussed more in depth the relationship issues (I was acting selfish). She said we were incompatible, and that I had changed. We never really discussed how our relationship would proceed (if we’d see each other again or hang out). She massaged me to sleep, she ended up staying the night and we cuddled very closely. We had sex the next morning. I felt at this point that it was over and was feeling heartbroken. Couple days later, she asks me to go to the beach with her friends. There were some logistical issues in meeting up so we were acting pretty distant from each other when we met in person. This is the last time we saw each other, I felt like it ended on a bad note. I didn’t contact her for a week and a half. She ended up posting a photo on Facebook saying she was broken hearted as the caption. I broke the no contact and gave her a call, asking her how she was and we shared some laughs over the phone. I suggested that we meet up and she seemed down. All the while, I noticed that she had started to see another guy (through social media). She was liking all his photos on Instagram. She started to subtly post pictures of his dog, saying that she loved the dog so I know she was probably staying the night at his place. Since then, I noticed that they have been hanging out more. She has never made any posts directly referencing the guy or their relationship. I tried to contact her through Facebook Messenger suggesting a meet up, and she seemed down. She seemed keen to meet up for coffee, but when it came down to actually meeting, we could never solidify an actual date/time. When she couldn’t make a time, she would suggest another time, so it seemed that she was somewhat interested in meeting up. We eventually set a time, but last minute, she bailed, and then ended up unfriending me on Facebook and deleting our photos together on Facebook / Instagram. It’s been a week since we last spoke and the unfriending/deleting of photos incident and around a month since the breakup talk.

I can’t get this girl out of my head or fathom ending our relationship on this bad note. I haven’t tried reaching out via phone/text since. I’d like to try to rekindle our relationship somehow and at least be on talking / friendly terms. I’ve learned so much about myself and how I conduct myself in a relationship through the breakup and distance from her. I felt like I didn’t really have the chance to get proper closure, say everything that I was thinking, end things on a good note, and show how my perspective has changed. How should I move forward / test the waters with her again? She's the first girl I loved and I don't want her to be too far gone.

Edited March 29, 2017 by pyronic

March 29, 2017

I'm 27 (male), she's 22. Overall, we started seeing each other for 4 months, 3 months with the label boyfriend/girlfriend. This was my first serious relationship. Met a girl on Tinder and immediately vibed and felt a spark when we first met. We met up and she stayed the night and we had sex the next morning. We began seeing each other very often for the next couple months or so. I fell madly in love with her. She was the first to tell me that she loved me. I introduced her to my parents and extended family. During the relationship, I would often initiate planning of dates, taking care of her (she didn’t have a car so I would bring her to school, took care of her when she was sick, made breakfast, etc.) I eventually ended up getting comfortable in the relationship and started to take her for granted. In the beginning, I would pay for 100% of things usually, but as the relationship went on, it ended up being around 70%. Didn’t practice active listening and read in between the lines when she subtly needed something. I had opened up to her and displayed my weaknesses (insecure about not having a full time job, although I had been taking on contracts), she said she needed a man where she felt protected. I found out she ended up going to a night club through social media on several occasions.

She had mentioned marriage (she was on a student visa, and would be expiring 8 months, so it was likely related to this), but I told her I was not ready. She seemed down for the idea of pursuing a marriage of convenience while also considering staying with me for love. For the past couple weeks of the relationship, she started acting distant/cold and never really initiated contact. She texted me saying we need to talk and we discussed out relationship although it wasn’t really clear that we were broken up. We met up couple days later and had a nice date. When we got back to my place, we talked some more and we discussed more in depth the relationship issues (I was acting selfish). She said we were incompatible, and that I had changed. We never really discussed how our relationship would proceed (if we’d see each other again or hang out). She massaged me to sleep, she ended up staying the night and we cuddled very closely. We had sex the next morning. I felt at this point that it was over and was feeling heartbroken. Couple days later, she asks me to go to the beach with her friends. There were some logistical issues in meeting up so we were acting pretty distant from each other when we met in person. This is the last time we saw each other, I felt like it ended on a bad note. I didn’t contact her for a week and a half. She ended up posting a photo on Facebook saying she was broken hearted as the caption. I broke the no contact and gave her a call, asking her how she was and we shared some laughs over the phone. I suggested that we meet up and she seemed down. All the while, I noticed that she had started to see another guy (through social media). She was liking all his photos on Instagram. She started to subtly post pictures of his dog, saying that she loved the dog so I know she was probably staying the night at his place. Since then, I noticed that they have been hanging out more. She has never made any posts directly referencing the guy or their relationship. I tried to contact her through Facebook Messenger suggesting a meet up, and she seemed down. She seemed keen to meet up for coffee, but when it came down to actually meeting, we could never solidify an actual date/time. When she couldn’t make a time, she would suggest another time, so it seemed that she was somewhat interested in meeting up. We eventually set a time, but last minute, she bailed, and then ended up unfriending me on Facebook and deleting our photos together on Facebook / Instagram. It’s been a week since we last spoke and the unfriending/deleting of photos incident and around a month since the breakup talk.

I can’t get this girl out of my head or fathom ending our relationship on this bad note. I haven’t tried reaching out via phone/text since. I’d like to try to rekindle our relationship somehow and at least be on talking / friendly terms. I’ve learned so much about myself and how I conduct myself in a relationship through the breakup and distance from her. I felt like I didn’t really have the chance to get proper closure, say everything that I was thinking, end things on a good note, and show how my perspective has changed. How should I move forward / test the waters with her again? She's the first girl I loved and I don't want her to be too far gone.

1st she has an agenda

2nd she wants a visa equals better life survival has overridden the feelings she has for u.

3rd u mentioned u werent ready for marriage so u need to believe u probably aren5 probably wise at this early stage . As in assets r half half if it goes pear shape.. I wld let this one go mate . Marriage is a big deal and sensible couples shld really get to know each other 1st. But it is up to u personally wth any agenda driven woman ur taking a big risk wth em

March 29, 2017

1st she has an agenda

2nd she wants a visa equals better life survival has overridden the feelings she has for u.

3rd u mentioned u werent ready for marriage so u need to believe u probably aren5 probably wise at this early stage . As in assets r half half if it goes pear shape.. I wld let this one go mate . Marriage is a big deal and sensible couples shld really get to know each other 1st. But it is up to u personally wth any agenda driven woman ur taking a big risk wth em

All my friends/family I've spoken to has told me she has an agenda, this I can see taking a step back and looking at the situation objectively. But, there is no doubt that she's using the next person for the same result. We had great sex (she never turned me down once during our entire relationship). She looks even more beautiful to me after we broke up. I'd love if we could continue the relationship casually, possibly a friends (with benefits) situation while we both continue to see other people and maybe down the road reconsider a committed relationship. It's just hard pill to swallow that I invested so much time and effort into the relationship and she would act so cold / distant as if it "us" never happened. She is the most beautiful girl that I've shared a connection with and the affection she gave me felt so good. She seemed amicable to meeting couple days after the breakup, but after I did no contact for a week and a half, she started acting totally different. The fact that during our breakup, she mentioned my personality flaws / things unrelated to the marriage issue led me to believe that she had feelings for me and was not pursuing me solely for the green card. When I asked her if she still had feelings for me, she was silent, but I did not probe further. At this point though, I'm not sure how she feels towards me (especially through the deleting of me on Facebook/our photos together). Is it that she never wants to hear from me again, does it mean that she just wants to avoid seeing updates about me, or wants to prevent me from keeping tabs on her? She unfriended me rather than blocked me. Would it be appropriate to re-open our line of communication so soon (or is it too soon)? Is our relationship beyond repair?

March 30, 2017

How should you reach out?

By not doing so.

Follow NC. All you're going to do is get yourself hurt. She has a new interest. Best case scenario for you is to practice moving on.

Honestly seems like she was trying to use you to get that visa...

March 30, 2017

How should you reach out?

By not doing so.

Follow NC. All you're going to do is get yourself hurt. She has a new interest. Best case scenario for you is to practice moving on.

Honestly seems like she was trying to use you to get that visa...

But I don't really know if they are in love. She never said anything to me. The only thing I know of their relationship is that she loves/posts pictures of this dude's dog and I saw one photo of them hanging out with a group of friends.

She showed signs that she loved me. On Valentine's Day she took the effort to make me something. On Christmas, she bought me presents. She'd offer to pay for meals. She seem invested in the relationship. When I look back at pictures, we looked truly in love and everyone thought we had been together for years. She told me she loved me but changed once I started to take her for granted/displayed weakness as a man. I wish I could have shown her when she started acting distant / given her reassurance but I was too in the moment/this being my first relationship.

I so badly want to ressurect at least being on good terms but it's hard to know exactly where she stands with this guy. I have just been making inferences through social media. What if she's using this new guy for a visa as well?

March 30, 2017

But I don't really know if they are in love. She never said anything to me. The only thing I know of their relationship is that she loves/posts pictures of this dude's dog and I saw one photo of them hanging out with a group of friends.

She showed signs that she loved me. On Valentine's Day she took the effort to make me something. On Christmas, she bought me presents. She'd offer to pay for meals. She seem invested in the relationship. When I look back at pictures, we looked truly in love and everyone thought we had been together for years. She told me she loved me but changed once I started to take her for granted/displayed weakness as a man. I wish I could have shown her when she started acting distant / given her reassurance but I was too in the moment/this being my first relationship.

I so badly want to ressurect at least being on good terms but it's hard to know exactly where she stands with this guy. I have just been making inferences through social media. What if she's using this new guy for a visa as well?

Do you honestly believe she's going to be honest with you about a new relationship?

I'd point you to my thread but I don't want to look for it, so I'll give you the rundown.

Chick met me online, fell in love with me. Couldn't stop texting me, and told EVERYONE that we knew that she wished I was there in person. Cried because she didn't invite me to a special event. Talked about moving here and looked for apartments here 2 days before I met her for the first time in person.

Met her in person, and everything was going great until night time hit and boom, she has a panic attack because she has PTSD (and never told me).

Relationship fell apart. She broke up with me. 2 months of NC I see her in extreme depression and hear she's crying all the time. So I messaged her. She gave me the typical, "You are the sweetest person I know. Thank you for talking to me. You have a heart of gold. Thank you for being you". Thought we were headed towards reconcile. Lol nope, she started talking to another guy. When I brought it up she said "idk maybe". Yet I heard it from someone that despises her, so... yeah she lied.

You are over analyzing the situation. If you reach out to her you're just going to get hurt. She's got a new guy to take advantage of, why would she give that up? You're going to look weak as hell.

Best solution is to go complete NC. Erase everything. Block her out of your life, she has no right to know how you're doing. If she gave a damn about you, she'd come sniffing up the tree once you go NC. Meanwhile go live your life. First relationship breakups suck, because you have yet to experience having to get over someone you love.

And no, you don't want to resurrect being on good terms. You want a relationship and nothing more. The second you settle for less, the second you lose any chance of having more.

Go NC, and heal. If she cared at all about you, she'll sniff up your tree if you do NC correctly. That means knowing absolutely NOTHING about her.

March 30, 2017

All my friends/family I've spoken to has told me she has an agenda, this I can see taking a step back and looking at the situation objectively. But, there is no doubt that she's using the next person for the same result. We had great sex (she never turned me down once during our entire relationship). She looks even more beautiful to me after we broke up. I'd love if we could continue the relationship casually, possibly a friends (with benefits) situation while we both continue to see other people and maybe down the road reconsider a committed relationship. It's just hard pill to swallow that I invested so much time and effort into the relationship and she would act so cold / distant as if it "us" never happened. She is the most beautiful girl that I've shared a connection with and the affection she gave me felt so good. She seemed amicable to meeting couple days after the breakup, but after I did no contact for a week and a half, she started acting totally different. The fact that during our breakup, she mentioned my personality flaws / things unrelated to the marriage issue led me to believe that she had feelings for me and was not pursuing me solely for the green card. When I asked her if she still had feelings for me, she was silent, but I did not probe further. At this point though, I'm not sure how she feels towards me (especially through the deleting of me on Facebook/our photos together). Is it that she never wants to hear from me again, does it mean that she just wants to avoid seeing updates about me, or wants to prevent me from keeping tabs on her? She unfriended me rather than blocked me. Would it be appropriate to re-open our line of communication so soon (or is it too soon)? Is our relationship beyond repair?[/quote

It's hard I know I'm going thru it right now long story have a look at my thread I have to work wth her too and she rubs it in and has started an office romance but he's ugly and fat lol so som compensation for me. Anyway this is about u. Is she asian by any chance? I had a Thai woman for 3 yrs and decided on the third yr to do a fiance visa she ended up cheating wth a close friend well no friend anymore and I found out the day before I put it thru. Later she got deported bac to Thailand her own doing she pulled out of the visa did me a favour really and made it easy for me in hindsight. Anyway In the end she was very agenda driven and would often put out breadcrumbs to keep me wound up tight around her little finger just in case my mate fell thru.

Wat u have to ask ureself is will u ever feel comfortable or happy that her agenda overrode her feelings for u? Is that something u want from a relationship? That is key here her agenda is more important than u. Ok maybe she comes from a very poor background who knows but she's gonna find that a l o the of guys are gonna catch on to this and probably most won't go down that path. Not saying she won't find someone but that is wat they do. Wen I use to hav dinner wth these Japanese students studying here in Australia they are all dreaming of matting an aussie guy and getting a visa. It is up to u personally I would never feel good about an agenda being m ore important than me that just me. It's a risk too getting married so early and quickly sure som make it work. Keep us post ed d wat u decide. ]

March 30, 2017

But I don't really know if they are in love. She never said anything to me. The only thing I know of their relationship is that she loves/posts pictures of this dude's dog and I saw one photo of them hanging out with a group of friends.

She showed signs that she loved me. On Valentine's Day she took the effort to make me something. On Christmas, she bought me presents. She'd offer to pay for meals. She seem invested in the relationship. When I look back at pictures, we looked truly in love and everyone thought we had been together for years. She told me she loved me but changed once I started to take her for granted/displayed weakness as a man. I wish I could have shown her when she started acting distant / given her reassurance but I was too in the moment/this being my first relationship.

I so badly want to ressurect at least being on good terms but it's hard to know exactly where she stands with this guy. I have just been making inferences through social media. What if she's using this new guy for a visa as well?

I can tell u she defiantly is u wanna know how ud get hr back easy garauntee her the visa and marriage she's ures but be warned u r going down a risky path. Remember this is an agenda it's clear as day light that is wat she wants they all do I've been wth one and no plenty from other friends how they talk. They r a risk I hear how som of em use the husband and talk and lots leave after they hav there residency not all tho wat we are saying is u made it clear ur not ready and so u shouldn't be so early in the peace ask ureself why ur not ready was u u dont kno her well enough or trust her. Be careful dude I would walk awa u from this one simply put u dont wan tg marriage just yet and shouldn't feel that kind of pressure just to date someone initially. U get wat i mean. I had another older woman tg hat was like this not visa wise. I wss 24 she was 34 wanted a kid so desperately that after going out for 2 weeks she knew I wasn't ready and asked if it was ok if she had invertrto fsrtilastikn wth som other dudes speed lol she dumped me after 6 months for yrs I never understood why now I do it all came down to wat she wants and her biological clock ticking the sad part is she never was able to have kids because of an abortion she had in her country that ended up damaging her reproduction organs

...I've had some real interesting woman lol

March 30, 2017

I'm 27 (male), she's 22. Overall, we started seeing each other for 4 months, 3 months with the label boyfriend/girlfriend. This was my first serious relationship. Met a girl on Tinder and immediately vibed and felt a spark when we first met. We met up and she stayed the night and we had sex the next morning. We began seeing each other very often for the next couple months or so. I fell madly in love with her. She was the first to tell me that she loved me. I introduced her to my parents and extended family. During the relationship, I would often initiate planning of dates, taking care of her (she didn’t have a car so I would bring her to school, took care of her when she was sick, made breakfast, etc.) I eventually ended up getting comfortable in the relationship and started to take her for granted. In the beginning, I would pay for 100% of things usually, but as the relationship went on, it ended up being around 70%. Didn’t practice active listening and read in between the lines when she subtly needed something. I had opened up to her and displayed my weaknesses (insecure about not having a full time job, although I had been taking on contracts), she said she needed a man where she felt protected. I found out she ended up going to a night club through social media on several occasions.

She had mentioned marriage (she was on a student visa, and would be expiring 8 months, so it was likely related to this), but I told her I was not ready. She seemed down for the idea of pursuing a marriage of convenience while also considering staying with me for love. For the past couple weeks of the relationship, she started acting distant/cold and never really initiated contact. She texted me saying we need to talk and we discussed out relationship although it wasn’t really clear that we were broken up. We met up couple days later and had a nice date. When we got back to my place, we talked some more and we discussed more in depth the relationship issues (I was acting selfish). She said we were incompatible, and that I had changed. We never really discussed how our relationship would proceed (if we’d see each other again or hang out). She massaged me to sleep, she ended up staying the night and we cuddled very closely. We had sex the next morning. I felt at this point that it was over and was feeling heartbroken. Couple days later, she asks me to go to the beach with her friends. There were some logistical issues in meeting up so we were acting pretty distant from each other when we met in person. This is the last time we saw each other, I felt like it ended on a bad note. I didn’t contact her for a week and a half. She ended up posting a photo on Facebook saying she was broken hearted as the caption. I broke the no contact and gave her a call, asking her how she was and we shared some laughs over the phone. I suggested that we meet up and she seemed down. All the while, I noticed that she had started to see another guy (through social media). She was liking all his photos on Instagram. She started to subtly post pictures of his dog, saying that she loved the dog so I know she was probably staying the night at his place. Since then, I noticed that they have been hanging out more. She has never made any posts directly referencing the guy or their relationship. I tried to contact her through Facebook Messenger suggesting a meet up, and she seemed down. She seemed keen to meet up for coffee, but when it came down to actually meeting, we could never solidify an actual date/time. When she couldn’t make a time, she would suggest another time, so it seemed that she was somewhat interested in meeting up. We eventually set a time, but last minute, she bailed, and then ended up unfriending me on Facebook and deleting our photos together on Facebook / Instagram. It’s been a week since we last spoke and the unfriending/deleting of photos incident and around a month since the breakup talk.

I can’t get this girl out of my head or fathom ending our relationship on this bad note. I haven’t tried reaching out via phone/text since. I’d like to try to rekindle our relationship somehow and at least be on talking / friendly terms. I’ve learned so much about myself and how I conduct myself in a relationship through the breakup and distance from her. I felt like I didn’t really have the chance to get proper closure, say everything that I was thinking, end things on a good note, and show how my perspective has changed. How should I move forward / test the waters with her again? She's the first girl I loved and I don't want her to be too far gone.

Has your perspective changed? Are you now saying after NC you want to re-kindle the relationship leading to marriage, just want proper closure, just want her not too far gone or don't want another man to have her?

You really don't know what you want.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Simple Logic

March 30, 2017

Honey I'm sorry but she has broken up with you.

In the coward way of not actually doing it cleanly and being very passive aggressive.

She blocked you because you are no longer in her world and when the relationship with the new guy became exclusive.

Until then she was stringing you along as a back up.

There is absolutely no chance at a relationship or rekindling anything.

She is someone else's girl who will "look after her", she wants doting care and financial security and a green card and she's found some one who she thinks is a better candidate.

She is a selfish parasite. She chose money and green card status over a loving but seemingly casual and dead end relationship with you. To her you were not in a relationship because you didn't offer the things she thinks men are supposed to give her and you in all honesty don't seem to have done much to progress beyond go no where casual dating with no letting her know you wanted a future.

She does not want you. You need to accept it and move on

March 30, 2017

Honey I'm sorry but she has broken up with you.

In the coward way of not actually doing it cleanly and being very passive aggressive.

She blocked you because you are no longer in her world and when the relationship with the new guy became exclusive.

Until then she was stringing you along as a back up.

There is absolutely no chance at a relationship or rekindling anything.

She is someone else's girl who will "look after her", she wants doting care and financial security and a green card and she's found some one who she thinks is a better candidate.

She is a selfish parasite. She chose money and green card status over a loving but seemingly casual and dead end relationship with you. To her you were not in a relationship because you didn't offer the things she thinks men are supposed to give her and you in all honesty don't seem to have done much to progress beyond go no where casual dating with no letting her know you wanted a future.

She does not want you. You need to accept it and move on

I love that perspective the truth and mind of a woman her thought process makes a hell of a lot of sense.

March 30, 2017

You are projecting your feelings onto her but that's not what she's feeling.

Worse thing you can ever go is contact or chase a dumper. If they don't comeback to you it's a waste of time and will just solidify their thoughts and push them farther away.

March 31, 2017

Honey I'm sorry but she has broken up with you.

In the coward way of not actually doing it cleanly and being very passive aggressive.

She blocked you because you are no longer in her world and when the relationship with the new guy became exclusive.

Until then she was stringing you along as a back up.

There is absolutely no chance at a relationship or rekindling anything.

She is someone else's girl who will "look after her", she wants doting care and financial security and a green card and she's found some one who she thinks is a better candidate.

She is a selfish parasite. She chose money and green card status over a loving but seemingly casual and dead end relationship with you. To her you were not in a relationship because you didn't offer the things she thinks men are supposed to give her and you in all honesty don't seem to have done much to progress beyond go no where casual dating with no letting her know you wanted a future.

She does not want you. You need to accept it and move on

Everything you are saying makes complete sense. I'm over the prospect of any serious relationship with her.

What keeps lingering in my head though:

The times we had were good. We were really sexually compatible. We had feelings for each other and she showed interest / took initiative in our relationship. She didn't block me, she just unfriended me. We grew apart during the last couple weeks of our relationship, but I didn't really have the relationship experience/perspective in the moment to address them. It was only with the time we've spent apart / the pain of heartbreak that I realized that there were things that I truly wanted to change and improve in myself. I don't know for sure that she is exclusive with this guy, it's been based more on inference that they've been spending time together through social media than actually hearing it from her or one of her friends. I want to know how she feels about this guy (if it's serious or casual). I am part of some polyamorous communities so I'm open minded but never really got her take on it. She is an international Chinese/Vietnamese citizen and I am American Chinese so we have somewhat overlapping cultures, but also different since I have the western influence. During our relationship, she seemed to be willing to bend/break the rules in the sense that she went to the night clubs without me and did ecstasy / didn't mind having a fun time. How can I discount the idea of re-igniting something more casual / friends with benefits / friends? What's the harm in a conversation to hash things out?

Edited March 31, 2017 by pyronic

March 31, 2017

She was your first love. You cannot be FWB or even just friends. It doesn't work after romantic relationship and you're in denial if you think you could just do either of those things and leave the romantic feelings and love out of it. You care too much for that to happen. Right now you need time away from her so you can think more logically.

March 31, 2017

You can't be friends and stuff exactly because of this ^

It's going to be very hard and I'm sorry you are hurting.

I think you know really that there is not much here to go back too.

Try not to think too often about the future because right now it will feel impossibly empty and you will see her as the cure when she is actually the cause of your pain.

April 7, 2017

Broke NC to try to arrange dropping off her stuff (called and sent a text) 3 days ago. Still no response. Since then, she has unfollowed me from Instagram and removed herself from our shared album on iCloud. Why would she act so distant as if our relationship never existed? Why can't she give me the light of day, someone that I shared such intimate times with? I know we never really had a serious future together, but to completely cut me out of her life seems a bit callous. Would love a woman's point of view on this. Why can't she just be direct and just tell me straight up what's going on or have an open discussion?

I'm starting to accept that we will never be a thing again, but it still hurts to know that she could move on / discard me so easily even when I am going out of my way to be kind and return her things. She still crosses my mind pretty often and it feels obsessive but I would really like to try and move on for good.

April 9, 2017

Anybody? I still think about her every day and often times wake up from my sleep thinking about her. It's been rough.

April 9, 2017

I'm sorry you're hurting, but this thing is over.

She isn't in love with you and she never was. The good news is that you aren't really in love with her. You're infatuated by her and everything that she represents. Not having a real girlfriend until her means you're likely the guy in the middle of the desert who happens upon a puddle. That puddle seems like the most amazing thing ever and nothing could ever compare to it. But, friend, that puddle is an oasis.

This girl saw you as a means to an end: A potential husband to keep her in the country. No sane person is talking marriage after a couple months of dating, by the way. You two don't even really KNOW each other yet. You two know the other's representative; the best, idealized version of themselves.

Look, I get that you feel like the end of this is somehow all your fault. But let me release you from this guilt. You not paying for everything or being up for planning marriage three months into a relationship isn't being selfish. Don't let her make you think otherwise. Again, this creates the impression for me that the girl was really just searching for someone to prop her up to some degree financially and with regards to her citizenship.

Moreover, lose this nonsense about how you weren't enough of a "man" for her. Do you really want to be tethered to someone who is going to view you as less than a man because you ever dare show vulnerability or have concerns? Sounds like a great way path toward ulcers from having to constantly stuff those things and deal with them alone.

So here's what you need to do:

1) Stop following her on IG and other social media.

2) Stop attributing the breakup to your supposed selfishness or un-manliness.

3) Accept that it's pretty much impossible to LOVE someone after dating for a few months, but totally possible to be infatuated with someone after that long.

4) Know that you will survive and that this has been a great first test with women and relationships that can help you develop some stronger boundaries for future, healthier relationships.

April 9, 2017

I'm sorry you're hurting, but this thing is over.

She isn't in love with you and she never was. The good news is that you aren't really in love with her. You're infatuated by her and everything that she represents. Not having a real girlfriend until her means you're likely the guy in the middle of the desert who happens upon a puddle. That puddle seems like the most amazing thing ever and nothing could ever compare to it. But, friend, that puddle is an oasis.

This girl saw you as a means to an end: A potential husband to keep her in the country. No sane person is talking marriage after a couple months of dating, by the way. You two don't even really KNOW each other yet. You two know the other's representative; the best, idealized version of themselves.

Look, I get that you feel like the end of this is somehow all your fault. But let me release you from this guilt. You not paying for everything or being up for planning marriage three months into a relationship isn't being selfish. Don't let her make you think otherwise. Again, this creates the impression for me that the girl was really just searching for someone to prop her up to some degree financially and with regards to her citizenship.

Moreover, lose this nonsense about how you weren't enough of a "man" for her. Do you really want to be tethered to someone who is going to view you as less than a man because you ever dare show vulnerability or have concerns? Sounds like a great way path toward ulcers from having to constantly stuff those things and deal with them alone.

So here's what you need to do:

1) Stop following her on IG and other social media.
2) Stop attributing the breakup to your supposed selfishness or un-manliness.
3) Accept that it's pretty much impossible to LOVE someone after dating for a few months, but totally possible to be infatuated with someone after that long.
4) Know that you will survive and that this has been a great first test with women and relationships that can help you develop some stronger boundaries for future, healthier relationships.

Brilliant. Agree 100% she definatly had an agenda her cutting u out the way she has is making u feel low very normal. E

the community are here to support you and here to lift u up u r definatly not unmanly but wise listening to ur inner voice ur gut to not go down this path. If she can cut u out so easily imagine if u did get married and had property kids etc between u. U can't rule out her moving on after all is said and done and u can imagine the pain not to mention the financial **** ud be in

April 25, 2017

I still think about her everyday. I can't get her out of my head. I've just signed an offer for a well paying job (6 figures w/ benefits) since we broke up and she was one of the first people (besides my family and best friend) I wanted to tell because I knew it would have made her proud. I now have the capacity to take care of her comfortably. I've had sex and tried dating other woman and but I still can't get my ex out of my head. We still haven't talked since I offered to arrange a pickup of her things without any response. Would it be bad to try and get back in touch?

April 25, 2017

I still think about her everyday. I can't get her out of my head. I've just signed an offer for a well paying job (6 figures w/ benefits) since we broke up and she was one of the first people (besides my family and best friend) I wanted to tell because I knew it would have made her proud. I now have the capacity to take care of her comfortably. I've had sex and tried dating other woman and but I still can't get my ex out of my head. We still haven't talked since I offered to arrange a pickup of her things without any response. Would it be bad to try and get back in touch?

Yes, it would be bad. Keep staying the NC course.

April 25, 2017

Please don't be the guy who tries to buy a woman's affection.

May 12, 2017

UPDATE:

Today I submitted an application and am pretty much sure I will land a new apartment, so have been feeling pretty good. I wanted to go out, so I was dressed up, and actually ran into my ex outside of the club she was going to (a foam party) (we were walking towards each other). She looked amazing! Wow. The guy she was seeing was walking in front of her but we didn't even acknowledge each other even though I knew who he was (from social media) although we never met in real life. I passed straight by him and then ran into her and her friends. He walked straight into the line to the club (even though there was practically no line, he made no effort to join the group). I'm pretty sure he knew who I was. I was the first one to make contact to my ex (I said, "Oh, hey!"), she seemed happy and smiling to see me. She was with her friends that I knew from when we were in a relationship. One of the friends that I ran into actually "accidentally" called me two days prior while trying to contact my ex (our names both start the same way, and they claimed our names were both near each other in their phone, even though they "accidentally" called me multiple times). My ex and I didn't hug or make any physical contact. I was honestly in shock to see her and her friends for the first time in months, the guy didn't try to join us even though we were chatting for a bit. It was a bit awkward, didn't really know much to talk about, didn't really even engage in the "how you been" since I had some alcohol before hand and wasn't really in the mood for getting into serious conversation (didn't really feel like bragging, etc, etc.). She ignored the new guy for the whole time and didn't introduce us or make any mention of his presence or their relationship. Her and her friends invited me to come in the club with them but honestly, I thought it would have been a bit awkward with the new guy there so I declined. I asked them if it was just them, and my ex's girlfriend said they were meeting her friend inside. They made no explicit mention that my ex and the new guy were together even though I've seen them on social media hanging out. They invited me to hangout as if this new person didn't even exist! How should I process this? Do you think it would be a good time to ask her out for a coffee to get the scoop?

Edited May 12, 2017 by pyronic

May 12, 2017

UPDATE:

Today I submitted an application and am pretty much sure I will land a new apartment, so have been feeling pretty good. I wanted to go out, so I was dressed up, and actually ran into my ex outside of the club she was going to (a foam party) (we were walking towards each other). She looked amazing! Wow. The guy she was seeing was walking in front of her but we didn't even acknowledge each other even though I knew who he was (from social media) although we never met in real life. I passed straight by him and then ran into her and her friends. He walked straight into the line to the club (even though there was practically no line, he made no effort to join the group). I'm pretty sure he knew who I was. I was the first one to make contact to my ex (I said, "Oh, hey!"), she seemed happy and smiling to see me. She was with her friends that I knew from when we were in a relationship. One of the friends that I ran into actually "accidentally" called me two days prior while trying to contact my ex (our names both start the same way, and they claimed our names were both near each other in their phone, even though they "accidentally" called me multiple times). My ex and I didn't hug or make any physical contact. I was honestly in shock to see her and her friends for the first time in months, the guy didn't try to join us even though we were chatting for a bit. It was a bit awkward, didn't really know much to talk about, didn't really even engage in the "how you been" since I had some alcohol before hand and wasn't really in the mood for getting into serious conversation (didn't really feel like bragging, etc, etc.). She ignored the new guy for the whole time and didn't introduce us or make any mention of his presence or their relationship. Her and her friends invited me to come in the club with them but honestly, I thought it would have been a bit awkward with the new guy there so I declined. I asked them if it was just them, and my ex's girlfriend said they were meeting her friend inside. They made no explicit mention that my ex and the new guy were together even though I've seen them on social media hanging out. They invited me to hangout as if this new person didn't even exist! How should I process this? Do you think it would be a good time to ask her out for a coffee to get the scoop?

No. The correct course of action here is still hardcore NC.

Also, talking to her friends at a club, or look at her social media, is breaking NC.

Keep NC!

Edited May 12, 2017 by jamili

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