Petenicholas Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 After going through possiblly the most emotional roller coaster breakup I have been through, I found myself looking for answers. It led me to doing some research on what was happening and to look back at our relationship. Most of the information I have read confirms that I was indeed dealing with a narcissist woman. I'm having trouble accepting it and continue to not believe the person that I loved could be this person. I'll give some background and would appreciate any input. Our relationship started off very fast. The passion and excitement was instant between us. Within a month she had already told me she loved me and basically moved into my apartment. I thought she was amazing and for the first time I had actually fallen in love with someone right away. As the relationship went on I started noticing little things that didn't add up. Her career was acting/modeling so right away I noticed a need for admiration. Whenever she we had a issue or problem I wanted to discuss she wouldn't admit any wrongdoing and blamed me for not understanding her. I found this to be a constant in the relationship, she would do something that hurt me, I would try to talk to her about it and she would turn it on me. At a certain point I was sacrificing so much for her but she would not make the slightest sacrifice for me. Whenever I wanted to do something she didn't want to do it was always a straight up no or she would be upset that I wanted to do that. I started to become unhappy in the relationship. I was feeling my needs were not being met. Even though I was unhappy, I still loved this person, thought it would get better and did not want to end it with someone I thought I had this intial connection with. It was natural that due to my unhappiness I started to become a little distant and gave up trying to make her understand that I had needs to. She must have been feeling it too because instead of engaging in conversation she withdrew as well. Eventually, we had an agruement where she was in the wrong and not seeing any remorse from her, I said I was unhappy and considering this might not be working. After the emotions died down and we made up. I thought maybe I had gotten through to her. A week later, the day before her birthday and Valentine's Day. She woke up, said she was done with me and left. I tried to talk to her, went over to her place and got the cold shoulder. She wouldn't even acknowledge me. I kept trying for a couple weeks. Still getting nothing, it was as if we never dated and she didn't even know who I was. Eventually, I got her to agree to meet with me. We met and I professed my love and desire to fix the problems we both had together. She would not even engage in the conversation. Then however, I mentioned I had gotten her Hamilton tickets for her bday and she changed. She started smiling with me, talking about stuff and was excited to go see it with me. I thought we were on the way to starting over. I was wrong, the week of the show I had tried again to engage her in a discussion about the relationship. She completely ignored it. When I said that I don't see why I'm wasting my time trying to repair this relationship if she didn't care, her response was "does this mean we are not seeing Hamilton on Friday, because I'll make other plans, if so". For some reason, I have continued to try with this woman for a month now. She acknowledges me just enough to keep me invested and hanging on. When I ask for anything solid such as whether we are done or going to try to work on things she goes vague or silent on me. She will blame me for ruining or relationship and accept no responsibility on her part. When I offer her a solution she either reverts back to the problem or ignores me completely. It seems as If we never dated I didn't exist in her perfect life. I finally, realized I was possibly dealing with a narcissist and decided to cut it off. But this is after I have already given so much and tried so hard. I think my need to be acknowledged by a person(even though its clearly not coming) I had loved kept me in this abusive cycle. I decided last night to stop trying and decided to cease contact. I did however do it in an open way that if she wanted to try and fix it, that I would as well. I know this was a mistake. I couldn't help it, for some reason I still care about this person and want her back. Which is how I ended up here. I want to know if I was in fact dealing with a narcissist and there is nothing I can do or If I am over analyzing a typical breakup? I think this might help me finally let go and begin to move on with my life. Thank you-Pete
SerPundnes Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 There is no way anyone is gonna read this. Don't do this wall of text-thing. 1
soulforge Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 After going through possiblly the most emotional roller coaster breakup I have been through, I found myself looking for answers. It led me to doing some research on what was happening and to look back at our relationship. Most of the information I have read confirms that I was indeed dealing with a narcissist woman. I'm having trouble accepting it and continue to not believe the person that I loved could be this person. I'll give some background and would appreciate any input. Our relationship started off very fast. The passion and excitement was instant between us. Within a month she had already told me she loved me and basically moved into my apartment. I thought she was amazing and for the first time I had actually fallen in love with someone right away. As the relationship went on I started noticing little things that didn't add up. Her career was acting/modeling so right away I noticed a need for admiration. Whenever she we had a issue or problem I wanted to discuss she wouldn't admit any wrongdoing and blamed me for not understanding her. I found this to be a constant in the relationship, she would do something that hurt me, I would try to talk to her about it and she would turn it on me. At a certain point I was sacrificing so much for her but she would not make the slightest sacrifice for me. Whenever I wanted to do something she didn't want to do it was always a straight up no or she would be upset that I wanted to do that. I started to become unhappy in the relationship. I was feeling my needs were not being met. Even though I was unhappy, I still loved this person, thought it would get better and did not want to end it with someone I thought I had this intial connection with. It was natural that due to my unhappiness I started to become a little distant and gave up trying to make her understand that I had needs to. She must have been feeling it too because instead of engaging in conversation she withdrew as well. Eventually, we had an agruement where she was in the wrong and not seeing any remorse from her, I said I was unhappy and considering this might not be working. After the emotions died down and we made up. I thought maybe I had gotten through to her. A week later, the day before her birthday and Valentine's Day. She woke up, said she was done with me and left. I tried to talk to her, went over to her place and got the cold shoulder. She wouldn't even acknowledge me. I kept trying for a couple weeks. Still getting nothing, it was as if we never dated and she didn't even know who I was. Eventually, I got her to agree to meet with me. We met and I professed my love and desire to fix the problems we both had together. She would not even engage in the conversation. Then however, I mentioned I had gotten her Hamilton tickets for her bday and she changed. She started smiling with me, talking about stuff and was excited to go see it with me. I thought we were on the way to starting over. I was wrong, the week of the show I had tried again to engage her in a discussion about the relationship. She completely ignored it. When I said that I don't see why I'm wasting my time trying to repair this relationship if she didn't care, her response was "does this mean we are not seeing Hamilton on Friday, because I'll make other plans, if so". For some reason, I have continued to try with this woman for a month now. She acknowledges me just enough to keep me invested and hanging on. When I ask for anything solid such as whether we are done or going to try to work on things she goes vague or silent on me. She will blame me for ruining or relationship and accept no responsibility on her part. When I offer her a solution she either reverts back to the problem or ignores me completely. It seems as If we never dated I didn't exist in her perfect life. I finally, realized I was possibly dealing with a narcissist and decided to cut it off. But this is after I have already given so much and tried so hard. I think my need to be acknowledged by a person(even though its clearly not coming) I had loved kept me in this abusive cycle. I decided last night to stop trying and decided to cease contact. I did however do it in an open way that if she wanted to try and fix it, that I would as well. I know this was a mistake. I couldn't help it, for some reason I still care about this person and want her back. Which is how I ended up here. I want to know if I was in fact dealing with a narcissist and there is nothing I can do or If I am over analyzing a typical breakup? I think this might help me finally let go and begin to move on with my life. Thank you-Pete Hey man i can relate to this... there are defo some Narc traits there, for example.. never excepting wrong doing.. Always blaming you.. till the point you will start questioning yourself... She lacks empathy... your better off out of this, as you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this, wether she is a narc or not.. Also next time DO NOT move in with someone so soon.. I know how you feel man.. i just dumped my ex after two years, for some of these reasons.. In my case, she was not really selfish, and did mostly follow my lead... but just like your ex, she would never expect responsibility.. Or even except any wrong doing... trust me if you stayed with her, over some years she would mentally destroy you.. Get out, stay out... look after yourself and recover from this... Next time a woman displays this kind of negative attitude.. give her maybe a chance or two.. if then nothing changes... Dump her ass.. save yourself the trauma 1
airborne3502 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I can't tell you if she was a narcissist or not. It looks like some textbook traits were there. I myself experienced a similar situation that started out like gangbusters. I fell in love quickly, because I was mirroring what I was getting from her. We had our first disagreement, argument, whatever, after two months of bliss and that was that - finished. She turned the argument all on me. The women I dated in the past would address my concerns and want to work on things. Even if the relationship was new, they would wager on the promise of it. Not this one - zero accountability. It sucked because I let my emotions fly for once, and I got burned - bad. I feel like she could care less whether I live or I die. However, at the end of the day, I'm glad to be rid of her and excited to move on to someone without the same issues. You will be thankful too once your heart feels normal again.
DumpedGuy9617 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I agree with airborne...my last long term ex displayed many of those traits - I firmly believe acting that way is a self defense mechanism for people with low self esteem. She may not even realize she does it...and you would never be able to change it. I recently got completely over that ex, after months of agonizing emotional trauma....and I want to break no contact to call her and thank her for doing me the favor of leaving me. No matter how much you like a person, dealing with that crap is not worth it. Good luck bud.
soulforge Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I can't tell you if she was a narcissist or not. It looks like some textbook traits were there. I myself experienced a similar situation that started out like gangbusters. I fell in love quickly, because I was mirroring what I was getting from her. We had our first disagreement, argument, whatever, after two months of bliss and that was that - finished. She turned the argument all on me. The women I dated in the past would address my concerns and want to work on things. Even if the relationship was new, they would wager on the promise of it. Not this one - zero accountability. It sucked because I let my emotions fly for once, and I got burned - bad. I feel like she could care less whether I live or I die. However, at the end of the day, I'm glad to be rid of her and excited to move on to someone without the same issues. You will be thankful too once your heart feels normal again. I can relate to this man.. zero accountability.. no apology, not even making an effort to try fix the relationship afterwards... Almost like they don't even care, if the relationship lives or dies.. You CANNOT maintain a relationship with people like these.. its a no win situation! I wish i had walked away from mine alot sooner. Next time we need to be much more vigilant about these kind of character traits, and walk away if we see these red flags!
youdontknowme555 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 Yes, paragraphs, they rule I am in a similar situation and I went back and forth trying to work out if she is a narcissist. My advice after thinking about it for a long time - it doesn't matter. The behaviour you describe is either narcissistic or dysfunctional in some other way (BPD, avoidant attachment, or just a strong personality characteristic), and no matter what the cause, the effect is the same - she is not and will not be a good girlfriend for you. Somebody who takes no responsibility for the relationship is not a viable relationship partner, at all, because they will never work on themselves and improve. Bottom line, that's it. So concentrate on what you know for sure - she is not good for you. Narcissist? You can't know for sure, and it doesn't make a lick of difference.
Author Petenicholas Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 Thank you all. I appreciate the input. New to the site and still learning the ins and outs. Basically, I know this situation is over and was just looking for additional input or support as I try to move past it. Seems like best option is to go no contact, work on myself and let it go. Cheers! 1
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