ButtonPusher Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 It’s been over 4 months since my ex broke up with me and I've hardly spoken to her for the last 2 months, and not at all for the last month. I've well and truly accepted that we won't get back together and I can deal with this now, even though occasionally a small part of me starts to fantasize about meeting her in a year or two or more, and something happening, but I tell that part of me to shut the hell up. So here's the problem I’ve been having. In the last few days it’s been really bothering me and making me feel pretty s***ty again. My ex had problems with low self esteem because of things which had happened to her before we met, and because she felt she was overweight, and as a result she always had difficulty believing that I really wanted to be with her and that I really loved her. No matter how much I told her how strongly I felt about her, she always had doubts in her mind. There were times where I felt she was really starting to believe me, but in the end I lost this battle. Now that we've broken up she tells me that she forced me to be with her; I guess because she thinks I just felt sorry for her. But this is complete BS. I was with her for 2 1/2 years and I knew exactly how much I wanted her and loved her. Also, I’m wondering if the fact that I don't call her anymore is adding to the proof in her mind that she's right. I know that its not my job to help her with her issues, and I keep telling myself what difference will it make if I send a letter or email now telling her how much she meant to me. If it didn't convince her while I was with her, why would it work now? But on the other hand I feel that even if she doesn’t believe me now, writing a letter explaining how I really felt about her would help me move on with my life, as I'd know that at least I made it clear to her how much I loved and wanted her. Its hard enough dealing with someone not returning the love you have for them, but on top of this I've realised that I'm trying to deal with that love I had for her being thrown back in my face as though I'm some kind of idiot that doesn't know his real feelings.
coolsab Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I think that if you were to get in contact with her after all this time it would send you back to square one. You should definitely continue with the no contact. I understand what you are saying and it would be a nice gesture to send her a letter explaining how you felt/feel but it will not help YOU. Please my friend... for your own good... dont contact her. You have already said that it is bothering you and making you feel sh**, imagine if she doesn't reply, or even worst she does and you start to have feelings for her again!! You say that you have come to terms with losing her but all those feelings will come back to you if you make the wrong decision. Good luck and i hope you get through this!
phyrespryte Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 My ex was the same way sort of. I finally broke up with him because I couldn't keep reassuring him that I loved him. Plus he would lie to make me jealous so he would know that I had feelings for him. He even said after we broke up that his lying was the only way to keep me! You're right you could write her a letter, but she won't believe you. Like you said she has issues with her self esteem, nothing you say to her will change her mind. The fact that you spent over 2 years with her should've been proof enough for her. You could write her the letter if you really feel that it would help you move on. But what if she responds back? What if she wants to get back together or worse be friends? 4 months is too short of a time for her to have gotten over her issues. Trying to be friends with her will be way too draining. I don't know the details of your relationship, but in my experience not contacting the ex was the best way to move on. You need to stop worrying about her and how hurt she might be. I'm sure you did everything you could to tell/show her how you felt about her. It's just that she's got a warped view of things. Oh and you're not an idiot. You know what you felt for her she just didn't want to believe you.
Jeannie Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 WOW!!! phyrespryte - I broke up with my ex for the exact same reasons you did!!! He kept pestering me to hurry up and marry him and move in with and be his cook and maid, he would lie and make me jealous to try and provoke feelings in me - BOY CAN I RELATE!!! I broke up with him once - four months later he came back. I went back to him and we dated 8 months - then because of the same reasons I broke up with him the first time - we broke up a second time. I couldn't commit to him. It does no good going back after a break up - same issues are still there. I wasted another 8 months letting him come back in my life - nothing changed and he was the same demanding, smothering creep he promised not to be if I gave him a second chance. Didn't work - never does. It's best to end things and not look back.
Author ButtonPusher Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 Thanks guys for the responses, especially phyrespryte. Its funny, just seeing someone else say that my ex has a warped view of things made me feel a lot better. I've never told friends and family about my ex's issues, as I felt it would be breaking the confidence she placed in me, so no one else has actually said to me that her view of things is twisted. But this is exactly the way I feel about how she see's things now. There are other things since breaking up that she has twisted around and put all the blame on me, which is really annoying, but perhaps this is her way of dealing with breaking up. She doesn't want to deal with her feelings, and so looks for ways to justify breaking up. I read something yesterday which really seemed to be true, at least from my own experiences. When people grieve for whatever reason, a death or a break up etc, the pain doesnt last forever as everyone knows, but nor does it leave in one go. We can have weeks of feeling fine again as though we've recovered and then the pain will come back again. Apparently this is the way our minds deal with recovering from pain. The painful periods are when our minds our adjusting to the loss, and the pain will stop when we have adjusted to it. In my case I can see now that every time I felt hurt again, it was over a different issue that I guess I had to come to terms with. Oh yeah, and I'm not sending a letter or email. Perhaps much later on, I might do something like that but not now.
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