Being desired by other women: deal killer?

[Mrin]

Another thread got me thinking about this.

 

Question: this is mainly directed towards women. Do the feelings of other women towards your man affect how you feel about him? If you are in a relationship and your man is desired by other women - acquaintances or friends of his - is that a deal killer for you or does that change how you feel about him? I know, too vague... I'll give you a real world example below.

 

Situation: This pertains to my most recent relationship. I have a couple of close female friends. One is a 17 year friendship. The other is about a 2 year friendship. We are just friends. No flirting. Nothing like that. I was also rock steady in my devotion to my ex. I don't think she ever questioned my loyalty.

 

Both of my female friends are attractive and have their stuff together. Objectively, they are both very desirable. They are also periodically single. Both hold me in very high esteem and my ex thought they had crushes on me. But nothing ever happened between us or even came close to happening.

 

Towards the end of our relationship my ex made a comment like "if she wasn't in a relationship with me, they'd take her place in a heartbeat." I interpreted it as a "lucky her" type comment in the theory that women are attracted to men who are desired by other women. But I wonder if I am missing a nuance here. Like the fact that these women are in my life as friends yet they desire or even "love" me (in the case of the 17 year friendship) that that causes some sort of block or noise to form for her emotionally.

 

My question is less about my situation with my ex and more just trying to understand the dynamic here so I can be sesntive to it in the future.

[preraph]

If a woman is able to get close enough in my line of vision that I can tell she's after someone I'm dating, then I'm blaming him for not having set boundaries with her and it's an automatic turn OFF that he's encouraging orbiters.

 

I don't need some other woman to validate my choice in men. I know my own mind. So she's just someone he's letting come between us.

[Mrin]

If a woman is able to get close enough in my line of vision that I can tell she's after someone I'm dating, then I'm blaming him for not having set boundaries with her and it's an automatic turn OFF that he's encouraging orbiters.

 

I don't need some other woman to validate my choice in men. I know my own mind. So she's just someone he's letting come between us.

 

Ok I get that. So, even though it is their feelings (as in the other women) the fact that he hasn't essentially taken steps to remove them from the equation is what is the issue.

 

I guess my quandary is that I wouldn't kill off a 17 year friendship like this for... really any circumstances. I could see distancing the other friend though. But a 17 year friendship is precious to me.

 

Ok, another question: In your analysis, when a woman enters into your line of sight, is it incumbent on you to let him know that you're uncomfortable? And how direct do you feel you should be? Or are you already emotionally holding him accountable for not removing them from "orbit" by that point? I don't mean in a logical right/wrong sort of way, I mean in your heart - emotionally.

[Miss Spider]

Well yeah, ofc I want to know somewhere in my mind that my man is desirable to other women. But I don't want it all in my face. I don't want to have to swat girls off my man. That stuff is just stressful.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't know. Although I feel I'm a unique person who looks under the surface, I am also after all just a comparatively sentient mammal so my attraction isn't ever JUST "inner," if you get what I'm saying. Therefore, I have to guess that if I find my SO attractive, so will some other women.

 

However, if women were floating all around my SO giggling, that WOULD be a turnoff. I don't think I'd want to have to be in that situation and though this may seem unfair, I doubt I'd pursue a relationship with such a person. You may say "but it's not his fault" - maybe not. OTOH, I find most of the time, when a person has tons of flirtation going on from all sides, s/he isn't 100% innocent of his/her part in it. Whether consciously or subconsciously, s/he is likely either giving out signals of flirtatious openness, or is outright a natural flirt; or simply, enjoying the attention, gives no "stop right there, I'm taken" signals. Again...just no. If that's how he wants to be that's fine and it's his right but I won't be in a relationship with him in that case.

 

So, my vote? Turnoff, but that's okay, for every pot there's a lid and the man who's getting this attention will surely find someone else and I know I will too (or...given I was single...I'm not now)...so, no harm done. Everyone is different.

[Ieris]

Hmm.. whether other women fancy my man or not doesn't change how I feel about him. It wouldn't make his value go up (as there is demand) and it wouldn't go down (as there is fierce competition). It would amuse me and I'd probably joke/tease him about the bees and butterflies flying around him

 

I used to love the drama but now feel pretty neutral about it and would take a laid back approach rather than tightening my grip and demanding people be cut out of his life. If another woman wants my man, she is welcome to try to take him. It is not to create competition but a good way to see whether this man is worth keeping.

 

With regards to your situation, your female friends had plenty of time to snap you up well before your ex came along so I don't see what there is to be upset about. For some silly reason your ex seems to overlook that you picked her but instead wants to imagine your friends fighting to take her place.

 

I guess my quandary is that I wouldn't kill off a 17 year friendship like this for... really any circumstances. I could see distancing the other friend though. But a 17 year friendship is precious to me.

 

People who give up on their friends so easily don't deserve any friends so you made a good call. To me, friendships are just as important as relationships.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Ieris

[CaliforniaGirl]

 

 

People who give up on their friends so easily don't deserve any friends so you made a good call. To me, friendships are just as important as relationships.

 

I wouldn't either and an actual, real, longtime relationship would be something different altogether, and is - my husband has a wonderful female friend he's known for probably 20 years, is beautiful, kind, a wonderful woman and weirdly, I have never had one moment's twinge, or cause for concern. Or, maybe not "weirdly" - I just get no vibe (now that I'm thinking about it...I usually don't think about this at all) whatsoever "between" them or whatever. I don't know. They're friends. Their friendship is solid. That's not, as the OP asks, a deal-breaker in any regard for me. Friends are wonderful to have and me asking my husband to amputate his relationship with this woman would be like my husband asking me to cut off my best friend (female) I met in 1977.

[curiouslysearching]

Well yeah, ofc I want to know somewhere in my mind that my man is desirable to other women. But I don't want it all in my face. I don't want to have to swat girls off my man. That stuff is just stressful.

 

But Cookie if he is with you there is no reason for him to even GLANCE

around the room.....can't you understand that?

[Timshel]

If the man is not encouraging inappropriate behavior but it's just 'happening' because of his awesomeness?

 

Look, you can't always have a say about this kind of stuff, random attraction occurs outside a 'known' circle...it's up to the man or woman to nip it.

 

I do not make advances or illicit attention from men who are married or in a relationship...my code. If a woman knows a man is 'taken' and pursues irregardless, the offense or sense of disrespect is directed toward her.

 

She may be high fived for her ambition...the SO may see it as a lack of respect of both her relationship and her standards between women.....absolutely not as some arbitrary validation of her SO's hotness.

 

If the dude she is pursuing initiates or encourages her attention, there's the door, be single and enjoy!

 

If a person pursues another in a relationship, it's risky business.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Timshel

[SevenCity]

Insecure women will have an issue with it.

[GemmaUK]

Nothing much you have said here makes me think as a reader that they desire you - so your title contradicts your post.

 

The only thing was the 17 year friendship and you mentioned 'love' in that.

 

It could well be that this was all down to how you're expressing these friendships.

 

I recall a guy I dated who talked a lot about his absolute best friend called Donna.

I was quite nervous about meeting Donna but there were no issues. I wasn't jealous at all but hoping I'd pass the 'really close friends test'.

They had never dated and she was very much in love and engaged to a great guy.

After me and my guy split I realised something though - they never ever said more than a very brief hello - if that even - on the times we met them.

In fact I spoke to both of them way more than my ex did.

I actually think he made the friendship thing up! Lol!

[preraph]

Ok I get that. So, even though it is their feelings (as in the other women) the fact that he hasn't essentially taken steps to remove them from the equation is what is the issue.

 

I guess my quandary is that I wouldn't kill off a 17 year friendship like this for... really any circumstances. I could see distancing the other friend though. But a 17 year friendship is precious to me.

 

Ok, another question: In your analysis, when a woman enters into your line of sight, is it incumbent on you to let him know that you're uncomfortable? And how direct do you feel you should be? Or are you already emotionally holding him accountable for not removing them from "orbit" by that point? I don't mean in a logical right/wrong sort of way, I mean in your heart - emotionally.

 

Depends on whether I just started dating the guy, depends if we're supposedly exclusive, etc. I wouldn't say anything to a guy that was fairly new, but I'd put them way down the priority list.

 

If you have a 17-year friendship that you feel you can explain and it's platonic on both sides, then give details and explain it. But you seem to know this woman is after you and wants you, and no girlfriend or spouse should have to put up with that. On so many levels. first of all, you're not doing that woman any favors dangling her, having her see you date others. What would be best for her is to have to give up on you and move on.

 

If your date or gf asks about the woman, she is concerned. She doesn't have to throw you up against the wall and make accusations for you to understand that she has noticed this orbiter and your lack of boundaries in regards to her and that it's probably going to erode your relationship because you let it.

 

She's not just a friend. A friend doesn't get in the way of another friend's love life. But a woman competing for it certainly does, and women know it.

Edited March 29, 2017 by preraph

[elaine567]

Towards the end of our relationship my ex made a comment like "if she wasn't in a relationship with me, they'd take her place in a heartbeat." I interpreted it as a "lucky her" type comment in the theory that women are attracted to men who are desired by other women. But I wonder if I am missing a nuance here. Like the fact that these women are in my life as friends yet they desire or even "love" me (in the case of the 17 year friendship) that that causes some sort of block or noise to form for her emotionally.

 

Most women like to see themselves as number one in a man's life.

If she feels she is continually competing against a 17 year close friendship or maybe worse still a more recent 2 year close friendship, she may decide it is not worth the effort.

Add in the fact that those orbiting women are "desirable", I guess that will not have escaped her notice either.

 

So whilst in HS it may be great to be "chosen" by the popular guy every woman wants - in the real world, the mature world, it quickly becomes a pain in the butt, a thorn in her side, and even a source of actual deep hurt.

Something most sensible women want to avoid.

 

Better to find a man whose focus is on her and her alone, than waste time getting jealous, feeling left out, feeling undermined, and feeling inferior to the "other women" in his life.

 

Most women tend to be territorial, they do not tend to respond well to their man "playing around" with other women, no matter how "platonic" it may be. She may tolerate it in a "new" relationship, she may tolerate it through the honeymoon period but eventually it will grate and she will want to get rid of "the competition" or she will start looking around for another man, one without the "baggage" of close female friends/admirers..

So yes, I do agree that those opposite sex friendships will cause trouble with a capital T for you. You are in effect allowing an "intruder" in, a person held in high esteem by you and that will always affect the dynamics of your relationships, usually in a bad way.

 

Few can really compete favourably against long standing close friendships, so most will eventually give that a pass sooner or later.

(btw that also includes the buddy/buddy or BFF or any other one on one close relationships that may take away from the core primary relationship and become a bone of contention.)

Two's company, threes a crowd, is usually very true...

 

 

"I'm seeing Laura for lunch today, you don't mind do you?"

"NO, I don't mind..." (quietly seethes)

[CloudyHead]

My boyfriend has a close female friend. I told boyfriend that his female friend likes him more than as a friend and wants a relationship with him. He acknowledged that she does want a relationship with him but he only views her as a friend and is not attracted to her. I trust him. I am not concerned about it.

[Timshel]

Ok I get that. So, even though it is their feelings (as in the other women) the fact that he hasn't essentially taken steps to remove them from the equation is what is the issue.

 

I guess my quandary is that I wouldn't kill off a 17 year friendship like this for... really any circumstances. I could see distancing the other friend though. But a 17 year friendship is precious to me.

 

Ok, another question: In your analysis, when a woman enters into your line of sight, is it incumbent on you to let him know that you're uncomfortable? And how direct do you feel you should be? Or are you already emotionally holding him accountable for not removing them from "orbit" by that point? I don't mean in a logical right/wrong sort of way, I mean in your heart - emotionally.

 

Yes, I put this on the man as equally that it is put on myself. I could have orbiters, real life living not far away (on the internet) orbiters. Bet your butt if I was slippery our relationship would not be serious or stable.

My SO would not tolerate for a second me hanging out with Tom, Harry and George. I'm not a dolt, I respect my SO.

 

I haven't taken from your post a concern with long term, everyone on board friendship being an issue...rather that some female 'friend' took a sudden interest when she could have expressed affection for years prior?

In other words, you were friend zoned then when a relationship came along suddenly became sexually attractive?

 

It's up to you Mrin, but my impression of women like that is Fickle and not properly knotted.

[RecentChange]

Orbiters? Kinda like how so many men on here warn not to date women with lots of male friends - because they all want in her pants? Eh, I wouldn't be thrilled.

 

That said my husband has female friends. One pre-dates me, she's a good egg, they go out to the occasional concert together etc and I have ZERO issue with it.

 

He has other female friends / acquaintances through his work, who he will go out to lunch with etc - again thats fine.

 

The one that messages him periodically wanting to grab a drink - Not too thrilled about her, and I am glad to see he deflects her invites.

 

Strangers on the street checking him out? Thats all good, reminds me how desirable he is.

 

In short it depends - ladies finding him attractive - thats cool. A couple "ladies in waiting" not so much.

 

My boyfriend has a close female friend. I told boyfriend that his female friend likes him more than as a friend and wants a relationship with him. He acknowledged that she does want a relationship with him but he only views her as a friend and is not attracted to her.

 

This I wouldn't be so cool with. Just like I don't think its cool for women to keep men as "friends" when that man clearly wants something more. I don't think its fair to anyone.

Edited March 29, 2017 by RecentChange

[CaliforniaGirl]

Insecure women will have an issue with it.

 

Insecure men will subtly encourage it and will do nothing to discourage it, as without that ego boost, they feel small.

 

I'm all for bolstering my mate in general but a dude with insecurities of this type is not the dude for me.

 

I'd expect my mate to feel the same if I were standing there giggling and doing nothing to discourage men's advances as a routine thing. I'd hope he would realize what a head case I was and would run for the hills.

[CaliforniaGirl]

If the man is not encouraging inappropriate behavior but it's just 'happening' because of his awesomeness?

 

Look, you can't always have a say about this kind of stuff, random attraction occurs outside a 'known' circle...it's up to the man or woman to nip it.

 

I do not make advances or illicit attention from men who are married or in a relationship...my code. If a woman knows a man is 'taken' and pursues irregardless, the offense or sense of disrespect is directed toward her.

 

She may be high fived for her ambition...the SO may see it as a lack of respect of both her relationship and her standards between women.....absolutely not as some arbitrary validation of her SO's hotness.

 

If the dude she is pursuing initiates or encourages her attention, there's the door, be single and enjoy!

 

If a person pursues another in a relationship, it's risky business.

 

This seems logical all around.

[Timshel]

Insecure women will have an issue with it.

 

Wow, yes. Thank you.

 

Insecurity is the reason a person in love gets uncomfortable when another person knowingly intrudes on a relationship.

 

Seven, I'm not young enough to believe you but I am old enough to know that people of the opposite sex can occupy loving space without disrespecting any person.

 

Just, find another angle, less dismissive/trite...also, look at your own standards and have empathy.

 

It's not a big deal,...until it is. There is not a thing wrong with being on the same page as your partner.

[codest]

OP: I think it would more depend on the man (you), than your woman. She needs to be confident that you won't pay attention to any advances coming from other females. That's all that matters.

 

Speaking from my own experience: my ex complimented me quite a few times about her not having to worry about how I would react to such advances, and they indeed had happened. That was one of the thing she valued about me greatly.

[SevenCity]

Wow, yes. Thank you.

 

Insecurity is the reason a person in love gets uncomfortable when another person knowingly intrudes on a relationship.

 

Seven, I'm not young enough to believe you but I am old enough to know that people of the opposite sex can occupy loving space without disrespecting any person.

 

Just, find another angle, less dismissive/trite...also, look at your own standards and have empathy.

 

It's not a big deal,...until it is. There is not a thing wrong with being on the same page as your partner.

 

If you're bothered by other women finding your man attractive, it is routed in insecurity.

 

Crossing boundaries is one thing, but if a girl checks him out and it bothers you or makes him "undesirable" it is very insecure.

 

My ex was very insecure and she was the same way. I speak from experience.

[Curiousroxy86]

Another thread got me thinking about this.

 

Question: this is mainly directed towards women. Do the feelings of other women towards your man affect how you feel about him? If you are in a relationship and your man is desired by other women - acquaintances or friends of his - is that a deal killer for you or does that change how you feel about him? I know, too vague... I'll give you a real world example below.

 

Situation: This pertains to my most recent relationship. I have a couple of close female friends. One is a 17 year friendship. The other is about a 2 year friendship. We are just friends. No flirting. Nothing like that. I was also rock steady in my devotion to my ex. I don't think she ever questioned my loyalty.

 

Both of my female friends are attractive and have their stuff together. Objectively, they are both very desirable. They are also periodically single. Both hold me in very high esteem and my ex thought they had crushes on me. But nothing ever happened between us or even came close to happening.

 

Towards the end of our relationship my ex made a comment like "if she wasn't in a relationship with me, they'd take her place in a heartbeat." I interpreted it as a "lucky her" type comment in the theory that women are attracted to men who are desired by other women. But I wonder if I am missing a nuance here. Like the fact that these women are in my life as friends yet they desire or even "love" me (in the case of the 17 year friendship) that that causes some sort of block or noise to form for her emotionally.

 

My question is less about my situation with my ex and more just trying to understand the dynamic here so I can be sesntive to it in the future.

 

Im not a big fan of platonic friendships. I don't have them cause in my experience the men who try to be friend always tried to be romantically involved with me one point or another. I have dated men who had friends that were women and I didn't like it. Now I didn't hold it against them but I wasn't thrilled. That being said if I had to choose between two great guys one had female friends and the other didn't I'd choose one without lol. I am not yet at the point of calling It a deal breaker but if I can avoid it I will lol. Friends of the opposite sex is just messy to me and it CAN not saying it will but it CAN be an unnecessary obstacle so I rather it not be there from my end and his end. Think of it this way. In an exclusive relationship you should want your partner to feel secure, safe, good about you and the relationship you have right? Now if you have a "harem"of female friends just waiting on the sidelines does that encourage your partner to feel secure safe good? Does that help or hurt? Jealousy doesn't help. Insecurity doesn't help. Sometimes one should evaluate if the things we do can encourage jealousy and insecurity. Just something to think about.

[preraph]

I just want to put this into perspective a little and show you what it looks like when the guy is NOT encouraging a woman's advances. Men who are truly not wanting that attention are uncomfortable with it and want it to go away. They don't always want to be the bad guy, however.

 

I have had both bfs and nonbfs ask me to intervene to run off a woman trying to cling to them in public.

 

This overly good looking guy had a women he'd met before really drunk trying to pull him out of the bar. He got my attention and motioned me over. He asked me to help with it. I said, "What do you want me to do, pull on your other arm?" And that is literally what we ended up doing, winning the tug of war. He was very uncomfortable with the situation and he's a gentleman.

 

I have had bfs sic me on women. If I'm off doing something else, say, Hey! Don't you want to do something about this?

 

I've had bfs and nonbfs ask me to just make up an excuse to take them away: "We've got to leave now or we're going to be late."

 

I've had a guy I'd only met twice motion for me and ask me to hang all over him because a gay guy was hitting on him.

 

At the very least, if they don't want that attention, they will throw their arm around you or kiss you and show clearly they are taken.

 

If a guy doesn't want the attention, he will DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If he doesn't do something about it, he's enjoying it a little too much to trust him.

[Timshel]

If you're bothered by other women finding your man attractive, it is routed in insecurity.

 

Crossing boundaries is one thing, but if a girl checks him out and it bothers you or makes him "undesirable" it is very insecure.

 

My ex was very insecure and she was the same way. I speak from experience.

 

Please quote me saying this. ^^

[Jj66]

My gf and I always share with each other when we get hit on. I don't know if it's a good idea or not but that's what we do.

 

I'm not the least bit jealous and I don't think she is either. I don't have any permanent orbiters but once at a group gathering I was surrounded by 4 women and engaged in conversation. One of them appeared to have a very keen interest from her body language.

 

One of my close friends, a woman, observed it from a distance. Afterward she sent me a text saying it looked like bees swarming around a honey pot and told me it must get old.

 

I told my gf about the experience and now she calls anyone who takes an interest in me a honeybee. Lol. She's totally cool and encouraging my friendship with that woman. She said that XXXXX is your guardian. No one can have you without her approval. She loves you. You need that kind of friendship.

 

A few days after the honey bee incident, the woman who seemed to have the keen interest looked me up and sent me a message asking me out for a drink. I sent her a message telling her it was nice to meet her and thanking her for reaching out but declined her invitation telling her that I was involved with someone. I showed my gf the messages afterward.