Hating the dumper to get better?

[1fish2fish]

I was involved in a Christian Fellowship on campus during my college years, and it was life consuming.

 

Not only did we have weekly meetings, usually Thursday nights, but there were also Bible studies during the week that regulars were expected to lead. And then the on campus evangelizing on the weekends/week nights.

 

Depending on the group dynamics and the leadership, there's a lot of pressure/expectation for you to be fully committed to the group and essentially segregate yourself from "the rest of the world" to protect yourself from the evil influences. I'm being serious.

 

Hindsight being what it is, the dynamics of my college group were cult like and many of the students, myself included, were a bit brainwashed.

 

I know of only 2 campus ministries - Intervarsity and Campus Crusade for Christ, and they are pretty hard core evangelical fundamental Christians. Of course, they vary campus to campus, but mine looked down on dating outside of the group. The other campus group (at my college) actually required students to "seek counsel" from the leaders to basically ask permission to date someone.

 

I hope some of this helps to shed some light on her behavior.

[p87]

I was involved in a Christian Fellowship on campus during my college years, and it was life consuming.

 

Not only did we have weekly meetings, usually Thursday nights, but there were also Bible studies during the week that regulars were expected to lead. And then the on campus evangelizing on the weekends/week nights.

 

Depending on the group dynamics and the leadership, there's a lot of pressure/expectation for you to be fully committed to the group and essentially segregate yourself from "the rest of the world" to protect yourself from the evil influences. I'm being serious.

 

Hindsight being what it is, the dynamics of my college group were cult like and many of the students, myself included, were a bit brainwashed.

 

I know of only 2 campus ministries - Intervarsity and Campus Crusade for Christ, and they are pretty hard core evangelical fundamental Christians. Of course, they vary campus to campus, but mine looked down on dating outside of the group. The other campus group (at my college) actually required students to "seek counsel" from the leaders to basically ask permission to date someone.

 

I hope some of this helps to shed some light on her behavior.

Thanks for the reply. Ironically, although my ex is in a fellwoship group, sometimes she isn't that religious and doesn't care if guys disrespect her even when they ask nudes. I wonder why? As her ex boyfriend, I wonder why shes in the group. She's catholic and she isn't strictly religious at all.

[p87]

There should have been a balance - in your favor.

 

You come first, and she should have been dedicating herself more to you.

 

I had a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend in college, except that it was a sorority. I went NC, and she came back on her knees.

 

If you do the same thing, and yours comes back, she will have realized how important you really were to her.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, and I hope with a few months distance, things are getting better for you.

 

Sadly,she didn't, so I guess I'm not that important to her now.

[scatteredmusician]

You did nothing wrong. Did she? We don’t know, and the bottom line is that she has done what she wanted to do. There could be issues of control with her group, we don’t know that either, but she did what she wanted to do. That is hard to take when you’re the one being left out of the circle. Been there myself, very hard. You have been going through the normal grieving process I expect. It sounds as if you have accepted the reality of the loss and realized the relationship is over. I know there is grief attached to that process – you hopefully have allowed yourself to do the work here. Make up your mind to move forward. As you do this, take that energy you could spend on grieving your loss and reinvest it in a healthy new relationship – romantic or platonic.

It looks to me (even though it doesn’t feel that way) as if the breakup was a blessing in disguise. If you had remained in the relationship, I think you would have found something else that wasn’t quite right. God has a person for you. Keep talking to Him, feel His healing and His peace. And keep looking!

[MeadowFlower]

It's over, it truly is over, and for ever.

[d0nnivain]

College dating is a special category. It's a time for exploring -- academically, socially & independently. They are not a time when relationships come first or at the top of the priority list. School & studying have to come 1st always.

 

 

It would have been nice of her to introduce you to the members of her fellowship. Most times those groups are open to even non-believers as long as they are respectful. If there was a guy in her group who liked her, the fact that she kept you away from the group is telling.

 

 

She has since made a choice: her friends over her relationship with you but that is a choice many college students make.

[p87]

You did nothing wrong. Did she? We don’t know, and the bottom line is that she has done what she wanted to do. There could be issues of control with her group, we don’t know that either, but she did what she wanted to do. That is hard to take when you’re the one being left out of the circle. Been there myself, very hard. You have been going through the normal grieving process I expect. It sounds as if you have accepted the reality of the loss and realized the relationship is over. I know there is grief attached to that process – you hopefully have allowed yourself to do the work here. Make up your mind to move forward. As you do this, take that energy you could spend on grieving your loss and reinvest it in a healthy new relationship – romantic or platonic.

It looks to me (even though it doesn’t feel that way) as if the breakup was a blessing in disguise. If you had remained in the relationship, I think you would have found something else that wasn’t quite right. God has a person for you. Keep talking to Him, feel His healing and His peace. And keep looking!

 

Thanks for the reply! Sadly, she said when we broke up that she isn't ready to commit to anyone right now. We remained friends with benefits (ironically), for awhile but she cut it off later saying it's not right. Right now she doesn't even want to talk to me. I don't know what I really did to make her leave me, but I really love her.

[p87]

College dating is a special category. It's a time for exploring -- academically, socially & independently. They are not a time when relationships come first or at the top of the priority list. School & studying have to come 1st always.

 

 

It would have been nice of her to introduce you to the members of her fellowship. Most times those groups are open to even non-believers as long as they are respectful. If there was a guy in her group who liked her, the fact that she kept you away from the group is telling.

 

 

She has since made a choice: her friends over her relationship with you but that is a choice many college students make.

 

Yeah. You know the funny thing is that she only really talks to one of her christian fellowship friends, which is the guy that likes her. She said she sees him as her little brother, but they constantly hang and text, and that guy and her doesn't gave me a lot of respect, I never even met him before. I love her, but I think this guy kind of make our relationship go downhill. Was I being sensitive? She knows that he likes her and told me about it, but I just don't feel right. What was I suppose to do anyway?

[mightycpa]

Hey guys,

 

So my ex broke it off with me a few months back and a problem we always had was her christian fellowship group. I'm Christian myself but I don't really go to those on campus since they require a lot of commitment. I don't really have a big problem of her going to one, but there was a guy in there that like her, and I never meet the people in her group. She never introduce me to them and she ditch me a few times for there meetings. I have nothing against the group, but I found myself hating them more and more after she broke it off with me. Sometimes i found myself being left alone by her when she becomes really sensitive and defensive of her fellowship friends. She said that she hate choosing between me and her group, I told her she doesn't have to, but in the end, she wanted to dedicate herself more to her friends there and she left me. I understand it's important to make friends in college, especially with clubs like hers or others, but should there be a balance? And did I do something wrong?

I think what you need to realize is that she CHOSE the balance that was right for her. She's not blind. She understood the choices she was making. That's her God-given right to do, whether you like her choices or not.

 

No, you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did she. She made a choice and it wasn't you. That's all.

 

You simply weren't meant to be together.

[p87]

I think what you need to realize is that she CHOSE the balance that was right for her. She's not blind. She understood the choices she was making. That's her God-given right to do, whether you like her choices or not.

 

No, you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did she. She made a choice and it wasn't you. That's all.

 

You simply weren't meant to be together.

 

Yeah. Do you think college girls have less incentives to commit in a relationship? Since she has lots of guys to choose from?

[mightycpa]

Yeah. Do you think college girls have less incentives to commit in a relationship? Since she has lots of guys to choose from?

Less incentive than a guy? Because she can go on a lot of dates? Is that what you mean?

 

No. It has nothing to do with whether you're a boy or a girl. It has a lot more to do with how many dates you can land. I'm sure you know guys who get all the girls they want. I'm sure you know girls who get asked out all the time.

 

I'm also sure that you know guys and girls who don't get much, if any, play at all. The only way girls can make it happen is by offering their affections. Guys, well, they can offer, but the average girl is much less likely to take him up on it.

 

I guess what I'm saying is NO, I don't believe that at all.

[p87]

Less incentive than a guy? Because she can go on a lot of dates? Is that what you mean?

 

No. It has nothing to do with whether you're a boy or a girl. It has a lot more to do with how many dates you can land. I'm sure you know guys who get all the girls they want. I'm sure you know girls who get asked out all the time.

 

I'm also sure that you know guys and girls who don't get much, if any, play at all. The only way girls can make it happen is by offering their affections. Guys, well, they can offer, but the average girl is much less likely to take him up on it.

 

I guess what I'm saying is NO, I don't believe that at all.

 

Yeah she got a lot of guys even when we are dating, but those guys sadly don't respect her, and in the process it also hurt me too. I hate it when she still talk to those playboys who disrespect her and use her for class notes, or guys who ask her for nudes. I just love her personality, but some aspects of her hurts me.

[todreaminblue]

I had a guy recognize the path he and i were on were completely different.....he worried at the beginning he didnt want to take me away from where i found solace and acceptance and a place to feel i could be myself.....he admitted this to me when i called it off he could see i didnt laugh as much anymore......

 

 

...his lifestyle and mine didnt correlate...my lifestyle is church..im far from perfect...im an ex hooker for starters.....and im not fooled or brain washed or in a cult..i am a hardcore survivor not fooled easily...i know when people are trying to influence me....and i walk my own way........but my life is church heavy..... there are activities i enjoy to do with church..wholesome fun..i find it ...uplifting........and his fun to me...was anything but fun..made me feel sad and missing something important to me and my life.....we didnt mesh............... its not about being in a cult its a different lifestyle..cults are bad .....and the christian way is...god comes first thats the lifestyle...nothing against you...you werent at the center with her.....god was...

 

 

.i think people who date outside their religious convictions and affiliations are in for issues and hurdles........its fact...but...i do believe it can be worked at if two are willing to work at it..........there has to be acceptance there....and compromise.....deb

Edited March 17, 2017 by todreaminblue

[p87]

I had a guy recognize the path he and i were on were completely different.....he worried at the beginning he didnt want to take me away from where i found solace and acceptance and a place to feel i could be myself.....he admitted this to me when i called it off he could see i didnt laugh as much anymore......

 

 

...his lifestyle and mine didnt correlate...my lifestyle is church..im far from perfect...im an ex hooker for starters.....and im not fooled or brain washed or in a cult..i am a hardcore survivor not fooled easily...i know when people are trying to influence me....and i walk my own way........but my life is church heavy..... there are activities i enjoy to do with church..wholesome fun..i find it ...uplifting........and his fun to me...was anything but fun..made me feel sad and missing something important to me and my life.....we didnt mesh............... its not about being in a cult its a different lifestyle..cults are bad .....and the christian way is...god comes first thats the lifestyle...nothing against you...you werent at the center with her.....god was...

 

 

.i think people who date outside their religious convictions and affiliations are in for issues and hurdles........its fact...but...i do believe it can be worked at if two are willing to work at it..........there has to be acceptance there....and compromise.....deb

 

Actually I'm christian myself and goes to church with her. But she never invited to me to her christian fellowship group on campus which is odd? I'm really supportive of her going but I never met her friends there and a guy who like her there.

[todreaminblue]

Actually I'm christian myself and goes to church with her. But she never invited to me to her christian fellowship group on campus which is odd? I'm really supportive of her going but I never met her friends there and a guy who like her there.

 

what was her answer when you asked her why she didnt want you to come.because i dont understand why she wouldnt want you to go with her.........deb

[p87]

what was her answer when you asked her why she didnt want you to come.because i dont understand why she wouldnt want you to go with her.........deb

 

She never ask, I know she actually wanted her social life, school life separate with dating, that's why I didn't force anything with her. However, I introduce her to all my friends and family, etc.. I asked once to join her bible study, but those are usually off campus and mostly members only, so I guess that's why she didn't take me. I thought christian fellowships are welcoming to others, but I think my girlfriend just wanted her secular life and social life in church separate with me?? I don't know anymore... I warned her that some of the groups might gave her peer pressure that's it, but she was defensive for her fellowship friends. I really didn't mean to force her to choose between her group and me, sometimes i just felt left out and wonder why she never ask me to join her? I'm scared that she might think I don't like her fellowship group but I actually don't.

Edited March 17, 2017 by pat0201

[todreaminblue]

She never ask, I know she actually wanted her social life, school life separate with dating, that's why I didn't force anything with her. However, I introduce her to all my friends and family, etc.. I asked once to join her bible study, but those are usually off campus and mostly members only, so I guess that's why she didn't take me. I thought christian fellowships are welcoming to others, but I think my girlfriend just wanted her secular life and social life in church separate with me?? I don't know anymore... I warned her that some of the groups might gave her peer pressure that's it, but she was defensive for her fellowship friends. I really didn't mean to force her to choose between her group and me, sometimes i just felt left out and wonder why she never ask me to join her?

 

 

hey, im sorry i got it wrong with your situation....i honestly dont know why she would not want you to sit in on bible study....fellowship to me means all.....not seclusion of some over others....i invited my ex to meetings and i still invite an ex to church....in fact it would make me really happy if he were to see what i see..when i was with my ex for fifteen years ....i tried then too.....i like integration......one life.....united on all fronts.....to me that's closer to god...bringing peopel to god....is closer to god..secluding anyone...not done.....especially those you profess to care for...i constantly ask.....many people some i dont even really get along with.....i invite strangers......i dont understand....and im sorry for my spiel when it wasnt applicable to your situation.....you should ask her why...then tell me...because i want to know too...it doesnt seem...just.....or even right.....to me that points to deceit.....some form ...either omission or direct hiding.....

 

 

some times ill stop my church friends from coming to my house the only reason is is because my house gets really hairy..unstable....i have major family issues and i can never be sure when it might erupt if it looks like an eruption i dont have my church friends around...they dont need to see an hear what happens.... i dont use my softer voice dealing with unstable people either...drug addicts in particular....ill stand in the way of violence and i dont want them to see me do that...i cant be feminine and lady like....ill get hurt if i do...........but i dont think that could be it for her...i dont know...i really dont and i wish i did....wish i could help...find yourself a woman who appreciates you who sees that all need to have tiem with god....even drug addicts and yep i invite them too........deb

Edited March 17, 2017 by todreaminblue

[p87]

hey, im sorry i got it wrong with your situation....i honestly dont know why she would not want you to sit in on bible study....fellowship to me means all.....not seclusion of some over others....i invited my ex to meetings and i still invite an ex to church....in fact it would make me really happy if he were to see what i see..when i was with my ex for fifteen years ....i tried then too.....i like integration......one life.....united on all fronts.....to me that's closer to god...bringing peopel to god....is closer to god..secluding anyone...not done.....especially those you profess to care for...i constantly ask.....many people some i dont even really get along with.....i invite strangers......i dont understand....and im sorry for my spiel when it wasnt applicable to your situation.....you should ask her why...then tell me...because i want to know too...it doesnt seem...just.....or even right.....to me that points to deceit.....some form ...either omission or direct hiding.....

 

 

some times ill stop my church friends from coming to my house the only reason is is because my house gets really hairy..unstable....i have major family issues and i can never be sure when it might erupt if it looks like an eruption i dont have my church friends around...they dont need to see an hear what happens.... i dont use my softer voice dealing with unstable people either...drug addicts in particular....ill stand in the way of violence and i dont want them to see me do that...i cant be feminine and lady like....ill get hurt if i do...........but i dont think that could be it for her...i dont know...i really dont and i wish i did....wish i could help...find yourself a woman who appreciates you who sees that all need to have tiem with god....even drug addicts and yep i invite them too........deb

I think I might of made her misunderstood me that I hated her group and doesn't want to join them. I don't know. I'm just worried that her fellowship might tore our lives apart that's it. She also mention that if her fellowship group knows about my existence then they might start asking questions, which is odd. For me, I do things proactively and I always introduce her to people I know just to be polite, and I also want her in my life. But to be honest with you, I met none of her friends, and her mom only knows that we were dating at the end of our relationship. We've been together for six weeks and I understand that I have to give her time to get used to "us" since its both our first relationships and we don't know how to deal with things. However, problems piled up, and in the end, she decided that it was too much work committing and left. I don't know if she still loves me, and I'm really left confused and wondering if we might have work out if she stayed and if I'm more clear sometimes on the things I wanted from her.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, she said when we broke up that she isn't ready to commit to anyone right now. We remained friends with benefits (ironically), for awhile but she cut it off later saying it's not right. Right now she doesn't even want to talk to me. I don't know what I really did to make her leave me, but I really love her.

 

 

You didn't do anything to make her leave. You were simply more into having a relationship then she was.

 

I love her, but I think this guy kind of make our relationship go downhill. Was I being sensitive? She knows that he likes her and told me about it, but I just don't feel right. What was I suppose to do anyway?

 

 

You could not have done anything. The other guy didn't make your relationship go downhill. That was all on your EX. She didn't want the kind of relationship you did.

 

Yeah. Do you think college girls have less incentives to commit in a relationship? Since she has lots of guys to choose from?

 

 

It is a little about numbers but like I said before, college is a time for exploring & personal growth. I was a social butterfly. I doubt I had a relationship that lasted more than 2 months in college. I always wanted the new guy, the next challenge. It was fun & exciting & the last thing I wanted was to be tied down.

 

 

Your EX does sound quite like me but she also didn't want the level of commitment you did. The timing wasn't right for her. She is not ready to settle down now.

 

Yeah she got a lot of guys even when we are dating, but those guys sadly don't respect her, and in the process it also hurt me too. I hate it when she still talk to those playboys who disrespect her and use her for class notes, or guys who ask her for nudes. I just love her personality, but some aspects of her hurts me.

 

 

Then she isn't the girl for you. If she is not bothered by the behavior of these other men, it's probably better that you two are apart. The fact that some guy thinks its OK to ask for nudes bothers me but the fact that your EX was dating you when these requests were made is problematic. She should have been insulted by these requests & shut those other guys down hard. Using her for her class notes I can get past & so should you.

 

Actually I'm christian myself and goes to church with her. But she never invited to me to her christian fellowship group on campus which is odd? I'm really supportive of her going but I never met her friends there and a guy who like her there.

 

She never ask, I know she actually wanted her social life, school life separate with dating, that's why I didn't force anything with her. However, I introduce her to all my friends and family, etc.. I asked once to join her bible study, but those are usually off campus and mostly members only, so I guess that's why she didn't take me. I thought christian fellowships are welcoming to others, but I think my girlfriend just wanted her secular life and social life in church separate with me?? I don't know anymore... I warned her that some of the groups might gave her peer pressure that's it, but she was defensive for her fellowship friends. I really didn't mean to force her to choose between her group and me, sometimes i just felt left out and wonder why she never ask me to join her? I'm scared that she might think I don't like her fellowship group but I actually don't.

 

You were not invited because she knew she could not introduce you to this other guy. She's lying to herself & everybody else about the 'little brother" thing. There is something smoldering there.

 

 

I have 2 "little brothers" -- one I've known since HS; the other since the late 1990s. I respect & value their opinions. They were my go-to guys when I need advice about men & they value my opinions & insights on women. I have always been excited to introduce them to men I am dating because I want their take.

 

 

Your EX kept you & this guy apart for a reason. It wasn't about keeping her secular, social & religious life separate. She likes the guy in her group so she wasn't going to bring you around.

 

 

I know you are in pain but pray for strength & grace. You have to let her go.

 

 

You will find another girl to love & she will love you back wholeheartedly, unlike your EX.

 

 

Hang in there.

[p87]

You were not invited because she knew she could not introduce you to this other guy. She's lying to herself & everybody else about the 'little brother" thing. There is something smoldering there.

 

 

I have 2 "little brothers" -- one I've known since HS; the other since the late 1990s. I respect & value their opinions. They were my go-to guys when I need advice about men & they value my opinions & insights on women. I have always been excited to introduce them to men I am dating because I want their take.

 

 

Your EX kept you & this guy apart for a reason. It wasn't about keeping her secular, social & religious life separate. She likes the guy in her group so she wasn't going to bring you around.

 

Thank you for all those replies! The backstory of the guy is they meet at fellowship and had a class together. Before I met her and start dating she knows that the guy likes her but doesn't know what to do. She also had another guy, who is a playboy, that she met for a week and took her first kiss away. That guy, being a douche as he is, didn't come back to her to talk about the kiss, and left her wondering what happen, but he still texts her for notes and send snapchats to her. I think she likes it because she doesn't get angry with him, even when we're dating, and sometimes I see her smiling when she gets his texts. Now with the little brother guy, he was the first one being told by her that we were dating I guess to make him go away from her, but I guess they remained "friends" and still hangout and texts a lot. She told me she's scared of introducing me to him since she thinks I might get angry at him or want to fight him. Initially, i feel sorry for this guy for taking the girl, but later he took my girl out for dinner one on one, claiming it was "hanging out", which really made me feel bad. They constantly texts, and for our whole relationship, I never met him, and he's a big factor why I feel disrespected, because I have a lot of girl friends and they don't treat my ex like he did to her, they know the boundaries and dos and don'ts, but him, despite having two gfs in the pasts, don't quite know his boundaries? My ex told me about all these guys when we were dating, I think the good part is that she's honest, but it feels fishy there, and I guess I reacted because I don't have relationships like these with other girls.

Edited March 17, 2017 by pat0201

[p87]

Hi guys,

 

So quick question, how do you get back up as a college student socially when you lost most of your friends after a breakup? I lost most of mine since we stop really constantly hanging out during my past relationship, and most of my friends now are in relationships. They are mostly girls, so you can see why they might find it awkward to hang out with me one on one or do things alone during my relationship, in respect to my ex. And we become distant.

In the contrary, my ex never introduce me to her friend group, and they never know she was dating, so she was really well off when she dump, like nothing really happen. It sucks when most of my social life is gone when I see her living normally with her friend group that I don't know about, how can I cope with this? I find it really hard, especially my school, to make new friends unless I'm in a christian fellowship like hers or in greek life, and it really sucks, this happened on my first semester of college. Now I not only have to avoid her, but I have to live my life on a false start unless I transfer.

Edited March 18, 2017 by pat0201

[preraph]

Okay, well, I'm going to cast blame because I hate people who drop their friends just because they get a bf or gf and then try to come crawling back after the breakup.

 

Find new friends. You already burned these. And if you are with someone who doesn't want you to have friends, that is not a reasonable demand. And if you yourself made that decision, then I hope you've learned not to put all your eggs in one basket. Friendships have to be tended to regularly.

[p87]

Okay, well, I'm going to cast blame because I hate people who drop their friends just because they get a bf or gf and then try to come crawling back after the breakup.

 

Find new friends. You already burned these. And if you are with someone who doesn't want you to have friends, that is not a reasonable demand. And if you yourself made that decision, then I hope you've learned not to put all your eggs in one basket. Friendships have to be tended to regularly.

 

i did hang out with my friends regularly but not as often as when I met them in the beginning of school. My school has a nickname called"socially dead" and it's hard to make friends after first semester, and plus my breakup, it's really hard for me to back in the social scene. I was mad that she can dump me without really damaging her life, but mine turn upside down since all my friends know I'm dating and then it got awkward. I learned my lesson, but I'm upset that she never told her friends, except one and her roommate, that she's dating.

[p87]

If your gf never introduce you to her guy friend that has a crush on her and constantly hangs out with her, does that mean something? She is scared that I might get angry at him and fight him, and she keeps claiming that he is her "little brother" and "he is the sweetest guy she knows." I don't know what to say because I told her I don't like her hanging out with him since I never met him, but I am not stopping her from hanging out with him. I try to be nice for weeks until he took her out for dinner one night, claiming that they are hanging out. I thought it was common sense for guys to have boundaries with girls that have bfs, especially since that guy already had two relationships in the past, he must know that right? My gf and I are clueless since this is both our first relationships, but for me, I introduce girls I know and dated in the past to her just to make her feel safe, but she didn't, so what's going on here?

[Dandannydandan]

To me the fact that he has a crush on her and is hanging out with her all the time is a big red flag for me.

 

If you and you're gf are going to last you will have to meet this other guy at some point, tell her this.