Pass009 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I am in need of some advice, My fiancee and I are to be married in a few weeks and then off on our honeymoon for a few weeks. Well I am white and my fiancee is black and everyone has been really supportive of us from her family to most of mine except for my Uncle and aunt and my Step-mom. These three family members always make some of the most obscene jokes whenever My fiancee and I are around them and when she isn't there with me they waste no time in trying to convince me that I shouldn't marry her and that this isn't right and That I don't love her and it is just infatuation. We have been togeather for almost 9 years we have fought through a lot of adversity and I don't want a few family members ruining my fiancee's big day as it were. I have been thinking of just telling them they aren't welcome to the wedding but then I feel like I would be causing a rift with my dad and those family members since I would still welcome everyone else. I don't know what to do here I asked my mom what to do and she basically told me to follow my heart and do what is right, But what is right? I love this women more than I have loved anything or anyone before and want to do what is best I just don't know how right now. Any advice would be amazing and thank you all.
CryForNoOne Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Tell them not to make any obscene jokes on your wedding day. If they react negatively to your request in any way, then they've given you just cause to uninvite them. At least this way you give them a chance... 2
jgraham11 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I don't think you'd be out of line for telling them not to come. This is you and your fiance's day not theirs! Your father will understand I'm sure and if he doesn't explain that to him. It's not his decision to make 6
ashy555 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Tell your family members that don't like your fiance because of her colour to get with the times. I am still so shocked at how much racism still exists. If you are worried about them making insulting jokes in front of her then talk to them. If they don't agree then tell them to not bother coming. This is your fiance's day too and the last thing she needs is to feel like sh** on her wedding day. How does your fiance feel? So stupid Hope it works out for you both
FastHands Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 What matters is that both of you love each other. I hope your fiancé is good and you're family members can see it. Once they realize he's good that should open their eyes about him! GL 1
PegNosePete Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Personally I would not have invited anyone who openly disapproves of the marriage. For any reason. 8
Author Pass009 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 I didn't want them there, But my fiancee being the incredibly accepting and forgiving person she is sent them out but since then it has gotten increasingly worse. And my fiancee feels that we should kill em with kindness persay. 1
SammySammy Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 When you get married, most wives expect you to defend them in situations like this. Might as well start now. Actually, you should have stopped it when they started this rude, disrespectful, and insensitive behavior. How do you do it? Simply tell them that you love this woman and she will be your wife. You'd appreciate it if they showed both of you some respect by refraining from their negative remarks. If they can't it won't do that, then don't invite them to your wedding. Boundaries and consequences. Set appropriate boundaries. Enforce those boundaries with real consequences with the boundaries are disregarded. That skill will serve you well in the coming years. Learn it and apply it now. Best wishes to you and your marriage. 2
TheTraveler Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I am in need of some advice, My fiancee and I are to be married in a few weeks and then off on our honeymoon for a few weeks. Well I am white and my fiancee is black and everyone has been really supportive of us from her family to most of mine except for my Uncle and aunt and my Step-mom. These three family members always make some of the most obscene jokes whenever My fiancee and I are around them and when she isn't there with me they waste no time in trying to convince me that I shouldn't marry her and that this isn't right and That I don't love her and it is just infatuation. We have been togeather for almost 9 years we have fought through a lot of adversity and I don't want a few family members ruining my fiancee's big day as it were. I have been thinking of just telling them they aren't welcome to the wedding but then I feel like I would be causing a rift with my dad and those family members since I would still welcome everyone else. I don't know what to do here I asked my mom what to do and she basically told me to follow my heart and do what is right, But what is right? I love this women more than I have loved anything or anyone before and want to do what is best I just don't know how right now. Any advice would be amazing and thank you all. You should have squashed this long ago and here's your chance to talk to them. If there's uncertainty in your mind in their response, dump them. Stand up for your woman. Congrats on getting married soon and wish you the best 1
todreaminblue Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I didn't want them there, But my fiancee being the incredibly accepting and forgiving person she is sent them out but since then it has gotten increasingly worse. And my fiancee feels that we should kill em with kindness persay. sometimes that really works....if you put kindness to work.....and they see just how much love you guys have for each other and even for them......play deaf when you hear comments that are hurtful..we cannot control what others say ro do ...but we can control how we react........love has a way of working behind the scenes to smooth differences ...even racism...and if that doesnt work ...tie them to ceiling fans and hit top speed.... till they promise no more racist jokes....im kidding...maybe i am not though....ceiling fans could cool things down......i wish you well and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.........deb
Tribble Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 What does your Dad say? They're on his side of the family and you're worried about a rift forming between them if they are no longer invited. Ask your Dads opinion. Personally, I wouldn't have invited them to the wedding but it's admirable that your fiance wants to be so inclusive. She clearly wants all family there to celebrate with you. Not having them there could put a downer on it in itself. It's tough but I guess you need to talk to them. Next time they made a comment, make it clear you love each other and are getting married. You want them to be there at the wedding, but if they can't be supportive, they should reconsider coming. If they are so against the marriage, why would they want to be there anyway? Good luck and congratulations!
Rockdad Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 "If the Bride is wanting her"Perfect" day that's not going to happen already. I'm white with Native American heritage. My boss/friend for years who I wouldn't have been able to feed my kids without his help is black. I named my son after him. My mother and her family is raciest against blacks and Indians. Never made sense to me since she is the one that passed the Native American blood line through. I almost threw my own mother out of the house the day I brought my new baby son home for her hurtful comments. So I do have some feel for your situation. If there is a chance you will have family members murmuring rude and inappropriate things then uninvite them. Resist feeling awkward yourselves about doing that as they are the guilty ones. It will be a better day for all if they were not in attendance. 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Your fiance sounds like a lovely woman. I think you should tell your uncle no racist comments at the wedding or he will have to leave. More than likely you and your fiance will be so busy you won't notice if they say something or not. However; if any of her family members over hears your uncle making comments they may handle him. He should be prepared for that. All the best to you and your new bride. How old are you guys?
kendahke Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 How does one deal with racist family with a wedding in a few weeks? Dont' invite them.
kendahke Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I am in need of some advice, My fiancee and I are to be married in a few weeks and then off on our honeymoon for a few weeks. Well I am white and my fiancee is black and everyone has been really supportive of us from her family to most of mine except for my Uncle and aunt and my Step-mom. These three family members always make some of the most obscene jokes whenever My fiancee and I are around them and when she isn't there with me they waste no time in trying to convince me that I shouldn't marry her and that this isn't right and That I don't love her and it is just infatuation. We have been togeather for almost 9 years we have fought through a lot of adversity and I don't want a few family members ruining my fiancee's big day as it were. I have been thinking of just telling them they aren't welcome to the wedding but then I feel like I would be causing a rift with my dad and those family members since I would still welcome everyone else. I don't know what to do here I asked my mom what to do and she basically told me to follow my heart and do what is right, But what is right? I love this women more than I have loved anything or anyone before and want to do what is best I just don't know how right now. Any advice would be amazing and thank you all. Get this straight right now: You're not the one causing the rift. They have caused the rift and they keep trying to widen it... and because you haven't stepped to them and told them they will be cut out of your life if they utter one more remark, the rift widens. I can't believe you haven't set them straight long before now. How awful for your fiancee that she has had to deal with your relatives for 9 years and you're still too scared to check them. No severe consequences have been applied on your end so far, so they don't fear you or your repercussions. Complaining about it isn't applying consequences. If you can't man-up for your fiancee and instead opt to be cowed by demons--which is what I call people who intentionally and willfully hurt others--then you shouldn't be marrying. You're not emotionally ready to stand up and be your soon to be wife's champion. Tell your dad that his wife isn't invited to the wedding. Let him stay home and coddle his demon. Tell your aunt and uncle they aren't invited. Let them be mad. Eff them.
kendahke Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) I didn't want them there, But my fiancee being the incredibly accepting and forgiving person she is sent them out but since then it has gotten increasingly worse. And my fiancee feels that we should kill em with kindness persay. "killing them with kindness per se" is what is going to inflame them more. You don't deal in kindness with someone who debases you to your face. She needs to stop with this fantasy that she can win over demons by being nice, a.k.a. being a doormat because here's the thing: they will go harder in the paint until they get to the point where they say/do something so over the line that all the pent up anger at having to take their abuse is all going to explode and then she will be painted as the angry black woman and "see, we told you!" , when instead, this needed to be strangled in its crib 9 years ago. Edited March 29, 2017 by kendahke 1
Miss Spider Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Congratulations on your wedding!!! May you both live a long happy life together!!!
kendahke Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Here's an idea if you're worried about your family demons clowning at your wedding: go to the justice of the peace and get married this week and only bring 2 witnesses who completely support you. Still have the wedding, but by then, anyone who wishes to make a scene at that moment when they say "speak now or forever hold your peace", you will have already been married by the state and this will render them mute. Then have the ushers frog march them out of the church. 1
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 OP you shouldn't be looking for advice from a bunch of strangers.....you should be seeking advice from your future wife for Christ sakes.....she is the one that you should turn to in moments of crisis, or any distress you are going through....you both need to figure something out TOGETHER, she is your life partner. 1
Larryville Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 you should be seeking advice from your future wife for Christ sakes... As much as I like participating on this site, and I think the give and take is cool there are just some things you should NOT be soliciting advice or opinions about here and this is one of those things. Seriously...
Author Pass009 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 Like I said it wasn't my choice to invite them and I have constantly been trying to talk her out of it but she feels like we should still let them come. But If I can somehow get them not to come without her finding out it would be ideal to say the least. I love her to death but she doesn't deserve to be berated and belittled by these three. 1
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