a couple in their thirties; when is it okay to talk about marriage and the future?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I haven't been with my partner long, but we are both in our thirties and were friends for many years before we started dating. I'm not really one to float I guess, I would like a family, but although I'm comfortable talking about the future, my boyfriend is not. These conversations seem normal to me, but my boyfriend freaks out a little.

 

When is it normal to talk about a future ( I.e. marriage and babies etc...) if you are almost in your thirties?

[greenbee81]

I've pondered this myself recently.

 

I'm 35 and my GF is 32. We've been dating less than 3 months and boyfriend girlfriend a few weeks, maybe 2.

 

Yet she asks questions about my future and if I want to be a father. Normally I would be put off by this, even a 1 year relationship.

 

I guess there's no time better than when you're both ready to talk about it.

 

Obviously I'll wait much longer before thinking about asking her father for his daughters hand, but I am for sure going to ask if this relationship heads in the same direction it's headed now.

[Simple Logic]

One of the most important issues in any relationship is shared goals. If he doesn't want marriage and a family, why continue to date? Just flat out ask him if marriage and children are part of his short term goals.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

he does- but he's not ready to talk about it now he says. We've been dating for four months- but I think that's enough time to know if you "Know". He says he's wants them, but I feel like am I settling for a man who isn't on the same page with me, which is marriage and children. I want to have children and I am 33 years old. I think I need to do it soon right?

[AndOrchid]

You mean, he won't talk about the subject itself in a general way (i.e. when he sees himself having children and settling down) or he's not ready to talk about his future with you? I think there is a difference.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

He isn't ready to talk about a future with me. He says we are just starting to get to know each other, even though we have known each other for years and years and years.

[frus69]

He isn't ready to talk about a future with me. He says we are just starting to get to know each other, even though we have known each other for years and years and years.

Just because he knows you for years doesn't mean he knows if you are the one to marry, to share finance, to count on you for hardships, to rely on you for support. You can't expect him to be ready to marry you

[todreaminblue]

I think if its a serious relationship its a need to know thing not a like to know thing and commitment-phobes who freak out when you mention lets talk about where we are going arent going to have a real promising start to plan a family with...i dotn think its too much at all four moths in to know here you are headed..or what his feelings are on family........deb

[basil67]

He isn't ready to talk about a future with me. He says we are just starting to get to know each other, even though we have known each other for years and years and years.

 

As another poster said, knowing how you get along as friends is very different to knowing how you get along as partners.

 

At this stage, you should know that he wants marriage and children and the rough timeframe. After about a 12 or 18 months together, then it's fair to know if he wants to have them with you.

 

Drop the conversation for a year.

[Tressugar]

You're 33 for crying out loud! Wait until you have a year in. There are women who are in their 40's having normal healthy babies.

 

You want to be sure he's the one and not end up raising the kids single handedly.

[Tribble]

He isn't ready to talk about a future with me. He says we are just starting to get to know each other, even though we have known each other for years and years and years.

 

I understand your hasty feelings. Having said that, being on the same page at this point is whether you both want marriage and kids in your future and a rough time frame (next couple of years or a decade). He's right, it is too early to know whether it will be together at four months in. It doesn't matter that you've known each other for years and years. You weren't dating during that time and the shift from friend to partner is very significant. You have to respect him for this. He could easily tell you what you want to hear, but he's not. He's saying he's not sure yet, which is totally fair! You are also in the honeymoon phase. Things aren't really real yet. Feelings change when emotions and hormones settle down. That is when you should be assessing your long term potential together.

 

It's tough when your biological clock is ticking and I completely understand you don't want to waste time with someone who isn't on the same page as you at this point. But it is too early to know. Wait. Make sure he knows you're open to a conversation when he's ready. Make sure he knows where you are. But give him a chance to catch up. You are talking forever here.

[Redhead14]

He isn't ready to talk about a future with me. He says we are just starting to get to know each other, even though we have known each other for years and years and years.

 

Knowing each other for years is entirely different than evaluating, knowing and understanding someone for the purpose of having a long-term, fully involved, committed relationship.

 

I've know lots of people for years, but I have never seen, for instance, how they handle, say their money, what their personal "behind the scenes" life is like. There are lots of things people who know each other for years don't share more deeply.

[smackie9]

Sorry to say this but you are wasting your time with this person. This is why we date...to see if they not only meet our expectations, but also are on the same page with our priorities and future goals. He's avoiding the discussion....not very good new for you. If he was open to it he would have np discussing this any time...but what is happening right now is that, he is on the fence about even having a future with you....that's why he is avoiding it.

[Ieris]

There are no guidelines but personally I think 4 months is too soon to bring this sort of thing up. If you know he's not comfortable to talk about this yet then don't rush it as it can put him off. It can also make you look quite desperate and pushy.

[coolheadal]

I haven't been with my partner long, but we are both in our thirties and were friends for many years before we started dating. I'm not really one to float I guess, I would like a family, but although I'm comfortable talking about the future, my boyfriend is not. These conversations seem normal to me, but my boyfriend freaks out a little.

 

When is it normal to talk about a future ( I.e. marriage and babies etc...) if you are almost in your thirties?

 

You can talk about the future anytime, but what you can't do is change him to give you a direct answer. He's not wanting the same things you want out of life. It scares him to think about it. You might have to settle, if your still with him. You said you haven't been with him a long time. Started dating, you not a floater, you want a family and he doesn't. So you have your answer. Always listen to your partner even if you don't agree and want more you have to agree 100% not 50%. A lot of guys just don't want to get married but they'll sure have kids with you. But they can leave and go after other women. See I am with you get married and have kids. That's the way it suppose to be I was raised that way...

[preraph]

You only have been dating four months. So you may think you already know him well because you were friends before, but apparently you don't! He's saying we're still getting to know each other. He is not sure you're the one. You should acknowledge you do not know him well enough or you would have seen this coming or already knew what he was thinking.

 

I'd give it a year and see if he begins committing or not. If not, I'd bail because you're over 30, if you want children.

[Redhead14]

At 4 months of actual dating, it's wise to open a conversation about dating goals overall. In fact, that should happen sooner. You need to determine whether or not you two are on the same page in terms of long-term individual goals. Is he looking to get married to anyone in the next X years? Does he want children, etc.? At 4 months, he likely wouldn't be able to tell you that he wants all that with you specifically. So, if you two aren't on the same page in terms of goals, you should stop seeing him for romantic purposes.

 

He will avoid the subject if you are asking him about you specifically. That would be uncomfortable.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Thanks for everybody's responses. They give me lots of food for thought. I have wondered if I have been settling for a while- that nagging feeling- but then I see him, and I love being with him. But for me, I want to know if someone is really in it- or I think the question is, into me. Perhaps in my mind, I associate being into me the same as being committed, and possibly being committed for life. He does not seem to want to bring up these conversations early and although I do understand, I kind of feel like if you are in your thirties and want children, dating becomes a lot more serious- there is an end goal in sight, and it's not dating for the sake of it. He wants to marry, but the question is, does he want to marry me? And should I stick around to see if he figures it out eventually? Or do I leave now? I would marry him if he asked, but I'm not sure if he would feel the same.

 

I was single for a long time, a long, long time and I have known a friend of mine who is getting a divorce. She was single for ten years, and now she is leaving her husband after four years of marriage. She has two children whom she had back to back after getting married, and even SHE is getting a divorce. She realised she married for the wrong reasons and now she is trapped in a marriage she feels she " did not sign up for". She understands she married for security because she wanted to and because she did not want to feel lonely anymore and because her husband is sweet and gentle and loved her. Finally, a man that loved her second to none, and yet it seems like she constantly parents him and enables him and looks after him because he has difficulty looking after himself.

Although I do not want this to happen to me, It's astonishing for me to think that the person I look up to, that found her " happy ever after" is seeing cracks appear. Some of the most toxic relationships are the ones that seem perfect on social media it would seem.

 

It's made me look at why I am dating the man I am dating. I want to be loved and pursued- and yet I don't even know if I know what those two words mean.

[frus69]

Thanks for everybody's responses. They give me lots of food for thought. I have wondered if I have been settling for a while- that nagging feeling- but then I see him, and I love being with him. But for me, I want to know if someone is really in it- or I think the question is, into me. Perhaps in my mind, I associate being into me the same as being committed, and possibly being committed for life. He does not seem to want to bring up these conversations early and although I do understand, I kind of feel like if you are in your thirties and want children, dating becomes a lot more serious- there is an end goal in sight, and it's not dating for the sake of it. He wants to marry, but the question is, does he want to marry me? And should I stick around to see if he figures it out eventually? Or do I leave now? I would marry him if he asked, but I'm not sure if he would feel the same.

 

I was single for a long time, a long, long time and I have known a friend of mine who is getting a divorce. She was single for ten years, and now she is leaving her husband after four years of marriage. She has two children whom she had back to back after getting married, and even SHE is getting a divorce. She realised she married for the wrong reasons and now she is trapped in a marriage she feels she " did not sign up for". She understands she married for security because she wanted to and because she did not want to feel lonely anymore and because her husband is sweet and gentle and loved her. Finally, a man that loved her second to none, and yet it seems like she constantly parents him and enables him and looks after him because he has difficulty looking after himself.

Although I do not want this to happen to me, It's astonishing for me to think that the person I look up to, that found her " happy ever after" is seeing cracks appear. Some of the most toxic relationships are the ones that seem perfect on social media it would seem.

 

It's made me look at why I am dating the man I am dating. I want to be loved and pursued- and yet I don't even know if I know what those two words mean.

After Some months of dating you know you wanna marry him already?

[basil67]

He wants to marry, but the question is, does he want to marry me? And should I stick around to see if he figures it out eventually? Or do I leave now? I would marry him if he asked, but I'm not sure if he would feel the same.

 

I stand by my original comment that it's too early to be pinning him down on this.

 

Yes, you could leave instead of waiting to see how he feels when he knows you better....but we're only suggesting a year or so. Nobody is suggesting you wait indefinitely.

 

And besides, if you leave him now because of this, it will be exactly the same with the next potential Mr Right you meet.

 

It's simply too early.

[AndOrchid]

He wants to marry, but the question is, does he want to marry me? And should I stick around to see if he figures it out eventually? Or do I leave now? I would marry him if he asked, but I'm not sure if he would feel the same.

 

I don't think that's fair or realistic. 4 months is much too soon to know someone well enough to be sure you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I'm not surprised he feels pressured and uncomfortable with the conversation. Furthermore, the fact that you feel ready to marry him already suggests that this may be more about your desire to be married and have children rather than strong feelings that this is the right person for you. That may be the impression he is getting as well which is likely to push him away even more, if he feels he is just a means to an end.

 

If anything, that story you shared about your friend should be used as a lesson in marrying someone for the wrong reasons before you fully get to know the person.

[Tribble]

Thanks for everybody's responses. They give me lots of food for thought. I have wondered if I have been settling for a while- that nagging feeling- but then I see him, and I love being with him. But for me, I want to know if someone is really in it- or I think the question is, into me. Perhaps in my mind, I associate being into me the same as being committed, and possibly being committed for life. He does not seem to want to bring up these conversations early and although I do understand, I kind of feel like if you are in your thirties and want children, dating becomes a lot more serious- there is an end goal in sight, and it's not dating for the sake of it. He wants to marry, but the question is, does he want to marry me? And should I stick around to see if he figures it out eventually? Or do I leave now? I would marry him if he asked, but I'm not sure if he would feel the same.

 

I was single for a long time, a long, long time and I have known a friend of mine who is getting a divorce. She was single for ten years, and now she is leaving her husband after four years of marriage. She has two children whom she had back to back after getting married, and even SHE is getting a divorce. She realised she married for the wrong reasons and now she is trapped in a marriage she feels she " did not sign up for". She understands she married for security because she wanted to and because she did not want to feel lonely anymore and because her husband is sweet and gentle and loved her. Finally, a man that loved her second to none, and yet it seems like she constantly parents him and enables him and looks after him because he has difficulty looking after himself.

Although I do not want this to happen to me, It's astonishing for me to think that the person I look up to, that found her " happy ever after" is seeing cracks appear. Some of the most toxic relationships are the ones that seem perfect on social media it would seem.

 

It's made me look at why I am dating the man I am dating. I want to be loved and pursued- and yet I don't even know if I know what those two words mean.

 

I agree with some of the others here. You are risking repeating your friends mistakes. You can't know you want to marry this guy after four months. I know you've known him for a long time but dating and seeing if you lives can come together and whether you are compatible for marriage takes longer than four months. You can think it's great and heading in that direction for sure, but you can't know. You sound like you want to get married and have a family. Which is fine. But it sounds like it could be anyone. It's fine to date more seriously and with that goal in mind but you need to be really sure on the person or you will end up where your friend is.

 

If you leave your bf for this reason, you'll keep doing the same thing. I don't many people would know they want to marry that person after four months. The next person you date will be the same. They won't know yet and so it continues.

 

On the other hand, if there are other reasons you think you aren't compatible with your bf then, by all means, leave. But if that's the case, why are you so sure you want to marry him?

 

I really understand the pressure and the time constraints you feel you are under but these things take time I'm afraid.

[BryanSmiley]

There’s a lot of valid points being made but there’s also plenty of stories out there whereby one or both persons felt they could, and perhaps, would end up marrying a person after 4 or so months. You can’t just rule them out as examples, it happens.

 

If they’ve known eachother for much longer before it does make a difference too. I mean in most cases it would take longer to grasp a feel of these things. To talk about them so early perhaps more un-usual unless in a light hearted jokey way to test the waters. But to me 4 months is a fair amount of time already to invest in someone, if I weren’t feeling genuine full out opportunities on all fronts after 2 months, I’d bail. So I’d only continue now beyond 4 months if all of these relationship goals felt a genuine mutual ‘possibility’ at least down the line. Why bother continuing to invest time and emotion otherwise. A break-up after 4 months because these goals are far apart – you then may have half a year as-well recovering.

 

Maybe it’s me and I’m surprised how out the norm I am in these regards. But I really don’t get this date someone for 6-12 months only to then explore whether you have similar goals on the serious relationship front. Surely that’s causing so many more bad breakups and recovery periods – some of which end up being vented on these boards.

[Curiousroxy86]

I haven't been with my partner long, but we are both in our thirties and were friends for many years before we started dating. I'm not really one to float I guess, I would like a family, but although I'm comfortable talking about the future, my boyfriend is not. These conversations seem normal to me, but my boyfriend freaks out a little.

 

When is it normal to talk about a future ( I.e. marriage and babies etc...) if you are almost in your thirties?

 

hm..well if yall are exclusive...timing could be factor...compatibility may be another factor

 

 

if you already tried to have the serious talk and he doesn't seem all the receptive to it I wouldn't push anymore. its not so much about when is the right time. its about when you both are open to talk about this subject. you need his cooperation when it comes to this subject. so if I were you I wouldn't bring it up again. you already put it out there that your interested in serious talk. so if I were you I would have my own time table in your mind on however long you think you can wait for him to say something to you on his own. what that means is you don't push or bring it up that entire time. you just enjoy being girlfriend and boyfriend. after that time is up he still not bringing it up on his own then just be real about where you stand. "honey we been together x amount of time. I would like to talk about a future. how do you feel about that"...depending on what he say you need to respond with action. if he is open by that time well good. if he says honey give me more time then you have to decide if your willing to take away more time from your life and wait on him again. if so then wait. if you think you have given more than enough time then I would let him go.

 

 

for me personally I am personally okay with giving a guy 2 years of my life to know if he wants to marry me or not. if 2 years he don't propose or even remotely talk about proposing im like "honey I want to be married one day how you feel about?" if he still hem hawing im walking. my time is too precious to wait on someone who is not sure about me.

 

 

good luck to you both

[AndOrchid]

 

Maybe it’s me and I’m surprised how out the norm I am in these regards. But I really don’t get this date someone for 6-12 months only to then explore whether you have similar goals on the serious relationship front. Surely that’s causing so many more bad breakups and recovery periods – some of which end up being vented on these boards.

 

No one is advocating she wait that long just to find out what his goals are. Most people have suggested a discussion about dating goals in general including a timeframe for when he wants marriage and children. But she is questioning the relationship because he is not ready to tell her if he wants to marry HER at 4 months.

 

I agree that some people know early on they want to commit to someone. But how many of these couples actually have lasting happy marriages? I also question that this is OP's case. She says she would accept a proposal and in the same post questions why she is with her boyfriend. Does not sound like true love to me.