foofightingguy Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Two months of NC from 1.5 years of relationship with a girl (she broke it off). I don't usually get drunk but it happened, guess sometimes this gets the best of us. I drunk dialed and texted (I know, how stupid of me). She was out drinking with friends too, and she picked up but we didn't talk much. And she responded to the text saying "I'll talk to you later, I'm out with my friends". Which of course she didn't since it was 3 days ago. I still have strong feelings for her, but I'm moving on. I am just wondering if it is a good idea to send a "Sorry" text? Or just leave it be unless if it is brought up in the future. Just to point out, I have no intention of getting back with her, at least not until I have moved on and completely healed and bettered myself. Therefore, I am not using this as a game.
Blanco Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I understand your guilt, but any sort of apology isn't going to help the situation. Assuming you were a guy of good character during the relationship, she will recognize that this was a rare bad decision on your part. Contacting her again, for any reason really, is only going to create the impression that this could be a recurring thing (reaching out to her, I mean).
Author foofightingguy Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 I understand your guilt, but any sort of apology isn't going to help the situation. Assuming you were a guy of good character during the relationship, she will recognize that this was a rare bad decision on your part. Contacting her again, for any reason really, is only going to create the impression that this could be a recurring thing (reaching out to her, I mean). One of her friend who she was out with also knows me. She actually told me my ex cried after my call. I don't think it's a good thing, if she cried I think she's feeling guilt of breaking it off and hurting me? It was a good relationship but she just fell out of love while also dealing with massive family and career issues. The crying surprised me. Thus I thought about a Sorry text, but I guess it doesn't matter. It might upset her more I guess.
Altair0770 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 It's quite simple. After a breakup these are the general guidelines (obviously not for all cases, but enough people seem to have agreed with them so why not?) First 2-3 months dumper feels relief After 2-3 months until about 3-4 months the dumper feels guilt After that its missing the dumpee and questioning decisions. (assuming the entire time the dumpee has been in NC or VERY LC) Granted there is no set in stone guideline. Generally it's when they can't find anyone else or a relationship inbetween failed (primarily because they aren't over you). I'd say keep the NC. It may have been 3 days ago, but she did say she'd get back to you. If you try to get back to her it's going to make you seem clingy no matter what imo. 2
Author foofightingguy Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 Thanks Blanco Altair, I want to PM you but I don't know how to. I was wondering if you can look at my original post about my situation and I would love to get your opinion.
EmilyJane Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 One of her friend who she was out with also knows me. She actually told me my ex cried after my call. I don't think it's a good thing, if she cried I think she's feeling guilt of breaking it off and hurting me? It was a good relationship but she just fell out of love while also dealing with massive family and career issues. The crying surprised me. Thus I thought about a Sorry text, but I guess it doesn't matter. It might upset her more I guess. She didn't cry because of direct reasons like those. She cried because she was drunk and from the emotional whammy of your voice and all the conflicting feelings. This is how I reacted to contact with my ex partner before I went NC. Just overwhelmed from a big mess of too many too difficult feelings. Leave her alone. It was probably hard enough to call it off initially without going through it every time she speaks to you. Give it space and time. To sort through the feelings. To adjust to life apart. Hanging on right now just prolongs the break up and keeps you both stuck. If she could be with you now she would be. It's time to write her number somewhere you can't get to on impulse and delete her numbers off your phone so you don't do this again. I bet you feel pretty awful and it's not changed anything has it? I find it helps me right now to think about it as necessary for now but that it doesn't mean reconciliation can't happen down the track.
EmilyJane Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 It's quite simple. After a breakup these are the general guidelines (obviously not for all cases, but enough people seem to have agreed with them so why not?) First 2-3 months dumper feels relief After 2-3 months until about 3-4 months the dumper feels guilt After that its missing the dumpee and questioning decisions. (assuming the entire time the dumpee has been in NC or VERY LC) Granted there is no set in stone guideline. Generally it's when they can't find anyone else or a relationship inbetween failed (primarily because they aren't over you). I'd say keep the NC. It may have been 3 days ago, but she did say she'd get back to you. If you try to get back to her it's going to make you seem clingy no matter what imo. I think these might only apply to male dumpers or something. Most times I've been on either side I've gone through natural grieving feelings. OP she does miss you and she isn't always sure she's done the right thing and all the things you feel unless there was a very clear reason to break up, something huge and tragic. It's just as hard and painful and world shaking to leave as it is to be left and I've never heard from friends or experienced clear stages of several months duration like described. In general women grieve harder initially but move on quicker. We have more practice and processing emotions and better support systems than men in western society as a rule of thumb 1
Author foofightingguy Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 She didn't cry because of direct reasons like those. She cried because she was drunk and from the emotional whammy of your voice and all the conflicting feelings. This is how I reacted to contact with my ex partner before I went NC. Just overwhelmed from a big mess of too many too difficult feelings. Leave her alone. It was probably hard enough to call it off initially without going through it every time she speaks to you. Perspective from a woman always changes how I feel. My guy friends and girl friends always gave me opinions opposite of each other. After we broke up, I actually tried for a few months to get her back, she would cry 9 out of 10 times we met so I understand that it was a difficult decision for her. I understand that at this point in time, she felt we could not continue and she had to do what she did. We had a good relationship, both loving but a bit emotionally immature. She also wants to chase her career (potentially abroad) and maybe experience other guys (I do not want to use the term GIGS, however I was her first serious relationship in her adulthood). It's time to write her number somewhere you can't get to on impulse and delete her numbers off your phone so you don't do this again. I bet you feel pretty awful and it's not changed anything has it? Sad thing is I remember her number by heart. I mean, who still remembers phone numbers at this day and age
Altair0770 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) I think these might only apply to male dumpers or something. Most times I've been on either side I've gone through natural grieving feelings. OP she does miss you and she isn't always sure she's done the right thing and all the things you feel unless there was a very clear reason to break up, something huge and tragic. It's just as hard and painful and world shaking to leave as it is to be left and I've never heard from friends or experienced clear stages of several months duration like described. In general women grieve harder initially but move on quicker. We have more practice and processing emotions and better support systems than men in western society as a rule of thumb I've heard multiple people say the same things. "I was over it instantly". "men take breakups harder". "men regret more". "women regret more". Gender has nothing to do with it. There are guys that love flowers and gals that love getting muddy. It's all about the person. Breakups, whether the dumpee or the dumper, is difficult. A friend of mine broke up with his fiance and had to go to therapy to get over her. He didn't want to break up with her, but felt he had to because he wanted to progress and felt like she was holding him back, and also felt like she had too many issues she wasn't changing. He also broke up with another girl, also a LTR, and she hasn't gotten over him to this day (ended 2 years ago) and now that his fiance is single, he seems interested in her again, but doesn't want to start a relationship because she hasn't matured. Gender, age, or anything doesn't play a specific role. I've seen teenagers here act more over their breakup that just happened than grown men that can't get over an ex that left them ages ago. I've also seen the same from females. What matters is how the relationship affected the dumper and the dumpee. If there was strong connections and still a lot of feelings for each other, but one person felt like it was best to end the relationship, the dumper isn't going to exactly feel great and get over it anytime soon. In fact, when my ex first dumped me, I stalked her social media. Before I returned to reconcile (didn't work), she was WAY worse than me and crying every single day despite having a very strong support system. The dumper will always feel an initial relief. They have been pondering breaking up for awhile. And when they finally get the guts to break the news and thus break a heart, they feel relief that it was finally over. That may last some time. But then they typically enter a phase in which they try to make themselves feel like they made the right decision despite starting to realize life without their dumpee in it, if the dumpee is smart enough to enter strict NC immediately and completely radio silence the dumper. Overtime the dumper either gets use to not having the dumpee and realizes things will be okay, or the dumper finds someone else to replace the dumpee. While with the dumper, unless a significant amount of time passed, they start comparing (and mutual friends too) the new relationship to a previous one. They never just FORGET the dumpee. If the new relationship is better, and all those gaps left by the dumpee are filled, then they move on. Of course, if there was cheating/abuse, the dumper will likely never look back at the dumpee. If the dumpee was good, caring, and a sweet person the dumper during the relationship, the dumper starts to compare (or so I've heard). Or the dumper doesn't find anyone new and starts really missing the dumpee, and gets curious. After all this is someone that once loved you. They likely still have feelings for you in one way or another unless you did everything to make them hate you. Look up some thread about a dumpers perspective. All of them say it was difficult, except those that claim "out of sight, out of mind", yet you wonder why they're on a breakup section of these type of forums. Again, bottom line is it all comes down to the relationship, and how much the dumper cared for the dumpee. That is why reconciliations do in fact happen, and quite frankly, more often then is assumed because people tend to forget these forums and what not the second they reconcile, or they come back when the same issues arise. Reconciliations aren't really uncommon, they just appear that way because there are many more breakups than reconciliations. If you were good to your dumper, and didn't beg for ages, they will miss you. If you stick to NC and completely erase them from your life and you erase yourself from theirs, they will start realizing the consequences of their decision. As to why this girl cried, she likely still has feelings. She likely does miss you. Just be warned, that doesn't always mean she wants you back. My recommendation still stands. Wait for her to get back to you. Even if it's days, weeks, months, let her make the move. The second you text her questioning why she hasn't gotten back to you, you will appear desperate. Give her time. Obviously she still has some emotions for you. Edited March 29, 2017 by Altair0770 2
EmilyJane Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Perspective from a woman always changes how I feel. My guy friends and girl friends always gave me opinions opposite of each other. After we broke up, I actually tried for a few months to get her back, she would cry 9 out of 10 times we met so I understand that it was a difficult decision for her. I understand that at this point in time, she felt we could not continue and she had to do what she did. We had a good relationship, both loving but a bit emotionally immature. She also wants to chase her career (potentially abroad) and maybe experience other guys (I do not want to use the term GIGS, however I was her first serious relationship in her adulthood). Sad thing is I remember her number by heart. I mean, who still remembers phone numbers at this day and age I think one day soon you will start to think .. was that a 295 or 259 Try not to think about the forevers and nevers for now. Just the right now. It sounds like you've done the maximum you could to try if there was a chance. It will fade. You will find someone else.
airborne3502 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Two months of NC from 1.5 years of relationship with a girl (she broke it off). I don't usually get drunk but it happened, guess sometimes this gets the best of us. I drunk dialed and texted (I know, how stupid of me). She was out drinking with friends too, and she picked up but we didn't talk much. And she responded to the text saying "I'll talk to you later, I'm out with my friends". Which of course she didn't since it was 3 days ago. I still have strong feelings for her, but I'm moving on. I am just wondering if it is a good idea to send a "Sorry" text? Or just leave it be unless if it is brought up in the future. Just to point out, I have no intention of getting back with her, at least not until I have moved on and completely healed and bettered myself. Therefore, I am not using this as a game. Don't bother with sorry right now. Your ex isn't interested in apologies at the moment, and all it will do is remind her of why she is angry at you in the first place.
newheart Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I'd agree that you shouldn't bother with saying sorry at this point. To be honest, even if you aren't doing it to play games or make contact, it will seem that way. She texted you last that she'd talk to you later because she was out with friends, and then did not follow up with. If you reach out 3 days later to apologize, it will most likely be perceived as another excuse to make contact. There is no need to apologize. I know it is tough, OP, but go back to NC.
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