I don't understand his thoughts?

[coolheadal]

Sounds like your pushing him into giving you direct answer and he told you "YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN HIM" that means a lot either you don't get it that meaning? Not ready for anything long-term with you. Maybe in time but I wouldn't hold a can of beans to that one.. Talk yes, communicate but that's it for now..

[stillafool]

He told me if I was a dumb bimbo he'd be going after me. But I'm not and he feels guilty.

 

Pursuing doesn't mean you want a relationship.

 

Keep telling yourself this if it makes you feel better.

[Zahara]

He said I deserve more than he can give and he doesn't want to hurt me and have me become like him.

 

He's passively telling you he isn't that into you. When you hear a guy tell you that you deserve more and he can't give you what you need, walk away.

[CarbonCopy]

Sounds like your pushing him into giving you direct answer and he told you "YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN HIM" that means a lot either you don't get it that meaning? Not ready for anything long-term with you. Maybe in time but I wouldn't hold a can of beans to that one.. Talk yes, communicate but that's it for now..

 

I have NEVER asked him for anything long-term. He has made it clear he's not looking for that, and I told him that's fine. But he seems to have an issue that I'm NOT looking for a serious relationship, for whatever reason.

 

As I have stated numerous times, I myself have my own relationship and commitment issues. If I was even to consider a serious relationship with someone, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point. I'm in no rush for anything.

[hippychick3]

I have NEVER asked him for anything long-term. He has made it clear he's not looking for that, and I told him that's fine. But he seems to have an issue that I'm NOT looking for a serious relationship, for whatever reason.

 

As I have stated numerous times, I myself have my own relationship and commitment issues. If I was even to consider a serious relationship with someone, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point. I'm in no rush for anything.

 

Because he doesn't buy it as most of us posting here don't buy it either.

 

If you wanted to keep it so casual and forever non-committal, you wouldn't be so hung up on this guy.

 

OP, if you want to be pursued, find someone else. This guy is not going to do it no matter how much you insist you can convince him to do so (do you realize how sad that sounds?).

[Zahara]

I have NEVER asked him for anything long-term. He has made it clear he's not looking for that, and I told him that's fine. But he seems to have an issue that I'm NOT looking for a serious relationship, for whatever reason.

 

As I have stated numerous times, I myself have my own relationship and commitment issues. If I was even to consider a serious relationship with someone, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point. I'm in no rush for anything.

 

I think you are lying to yourself. You're trying to adapt to his needs and make them yours in hopes that it will work out.

 

If you want to be with this guy - kill your expectations. Go at his pace but understand that it may go nowhere.

 

If you want someone that puts both feet in, move on. You're not going to get what you need from this guy no matter how much you contort yourself.

 

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

[Redhead14]

But I'm not asking for a relationship! I literally have not asked him for anything. I'm not asking for him to be my boyfriend, or to text me everyday, see me 5x week, etc. I know perfectly well that he doesn't want anything serious and that's fine! I'm not looking for a boyfriend necessarily either -- and if I was, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point as I have my own commitment issues as well.

 

I guess he's just not interested.

 

Since the beginning I have always been the one to initiate our dates, most of the texting, etc. It had been bothering me lately because I didn't know if he was interested in me or just a truly passive person. -- That is the problem with doing all the work . . . you can't really gauge their true interest level.

 

That being said, stop intiating anything and sit back and observe what he does from there.

 

He doesn't want to have sex with you more than once a week because he knows that women usually get attached if that happens, so he's not going to risk that. He's telling you it would be disrespectful to you to have sex with you more than once a week, not because he's worried about disrespecting you, it's just a nicer way of saying that's all he wants with you and he wants to have sex with other women on the other days. No woman wants to hear a man say he's going to or is having sex with other women no matter what the scenario is . . .

 

Bottom line is you want more from him and he's not willing to give it to you.

[CarbonCopy]

I think you are lying to yourself. You're trying to adapt to his needs and make them yours in hopes that it will work out.

 

If you want to be with this guy - kill your expectations. Go at his pace but understand that it may go nowhere.

 

If you want someone that puts both feet in, move on. You're not going to get what you need from this guy no matter how much you contort yourself.

 

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

 

You see, this is the problem. I am NOT trying to adapt to his needs. I told him this even before we first met, before we started dating and sleeping together. I truly believe what I feel, but maybe he doesn't.

 

But, perhaps everyone here is right and I just need to let this go. After self-reflecting, I do think I seek out unavailable men because I fear forming a real relationship.

[Zahara]

You see, this is the problem. I am NOT trying to adapt to his needs. I told him this even before we first met, before we started dating and sleeping together. I truly believe what I feel, but maybe he doesn't.

 

But, perhaps everyone here is right and I just need to let this go. After self-reflecting, I do think I seek out unavailable men because I fear forming a real relationship.

 

The fact that you are sticking to this is you trying to adapt to what he's offering. Trying to settle while trying to push him to give you what you want. Accept the situation and his investment as is without pushing him. Kill your expectations.

 

If you truly believe you want ABC and he cannot give you ABC, move on. I mean, he's telling you he cannot give you what you need.

 

I absolutely agree he's damaged emotionally. I can relate -- so am I, but not to the extent that he is.

 

The fact that you made this comment and you're still trying to get him to be someone he cannot be is indicative of your own dysfunction. Yes, you need to let this go.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Zahara

[kendahke]

He told me if I was a dumb bimbo he'd be going after me. But I'm not and he feels guilty.

 

So he'd rather arse himself with an idiot... The only thing to feel guilty about in that is that he's rejecting you with a sugar-coated compliment. With him, you dont' even rise above friend--at least friends mutually keep up with one another. He's just being nice because he hasn't had to unzip the lizard on you yet.

 

Pursuing doesn't mean you want a relationship.

 

Pursue

verb (used with object)

1. to strive to gain; seek to attain or accomplish

 

Yes it does--it means you're investing time, energy and treasury to obtain a particular result.

[basil67]

He told me if I was a dumb bimbo he'd be going after me. But I'm not and he feels guilty.

 

And you want to continue associating with this guy who's so disrespectful about other women? I would have dropped him like a rock for that one.

 

Pursuing doesn't mean you want a relationship.

 

Yep, some of the greatest pursuits have come from a desire for sex. But let's be honest, we pursue for sex or a relationship. Why anyone would pursue for dates which aren't going anywhere is beyond me.

[stillafool]

I have NEVER asked him for anything long-term. He has made it clear he's not looking for that, and I told him that's fine. But he seems to have an issue that I'm NOT looking for a serious relationship, for whatever reason.

 

As I have stated numerous times, I myself have my own relationship and commitment issues. If I was even to consider a serious relationship with someone, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point. I'm in no rush for anything.

 

When you ask a man why isn't he pursuing you it's obvious you are looking to get serious with him and he shut you down. You don't no who else he is seeing regardless of what he tells you.

[ChatroomHero]

"I don't know how to make him see that I WANT him to chase me (doesn't even have to be a lot, but SOMETHING). "

 

 

I think this says it all. He is very clear he does not want a relationship or any of the work involved. He's fine with a hook up or casual meet up, hanging out if you set it up etc., but moving towards a relationship one of the key things is the pursuit and chase. He does not want to pursue and chase because he does not want to catch you in the end anyway so what is the point?

 

 

He does not want to text pleasantries and impress you, he does not want to spend time initiating and playing the "dating game" with you. He does not want to deal with your feelings and how his actions may affect you or make you feel. Next Wednesday if you two haven't communicated in a week, he doesn't want to have to deal with the burden of keeping friendly contact or worrying that you might feel neglected.

 

 

He does not want a relationship or any of the responsibility of one. You say you don't want a relationship either, but apparently you want him to take a little responsibility of initiating things to make you feel confident...again, responsibility he has clearly displayed he does not want.

 

 

You say neither of you want a relationship but you add "doesn't even have to be a lot, but SOMETHING". That something you are looking for maybe small, but it is a small part of the duties of being in a relationship.

 

 

It sounds like you want him to want to do things someone would if they were to seek a relationship with you to help you feel validated but he won't do that because any end game from that is not what he wants so why waste the effort?

[frus69]

Oh honey, be true to yourself, ok? You said very early in your posts "I was ok with dating and seeing where it goes","I'm not opposed to having a serious relationship with someone, provided it's the right person". So why are you convincing us or yourself that you don't and won't ever want anything??

If you two started dating and after three happy months he told you he's leaving you, would you not be upset at all? Would you let him go easily? I bet you wouldn't. You already can't let him go now.And this is exactly what he's avoiding. He doesn't want you to get attached so when he leaves you it will be easier.

it's really obvious to all of us and him that he doesnt want what you want. You try to tell him that he wants what you want. Not convincing honey and frankly it makes you look very desperate.

[CarbonCopy]

Wow, I feel so foolish and stupid after reading everyone's responses. I'm sad. I don't have much dating experience. I don't have much experience with men, period. Perhaps this is why I'm fine if I end up alone.

 

What is the correct way to end something like this?

[spiderowl]

I can see where you are coming from, that you like him and want to see this play out - however it does. He, on the other hand, is afraid you will fall in love with him and then he will feel as guilty as hell because he is not feeling the same way. He is not pursuing you because he thinks it is not fair. Why he is having sex once a week is beyond me because even he must know you could become attached even with limited sex. But, essentially, he is holding back and trying to leave you space to find someone else.

 

This is not really a fun kind of relationship. It is not casual fun and it is not a deep and meaningful relationship either: it is a kind of 'for now' type of thing that would easily fizzle out if left up to him. You deserve better.

 

Ironically, if you back off, stop chasing him and go your own way, he will probably bounce back because the tension will be gone. Then you would have to decide whether you want to risk more of the same or not. It might hurt not to be with him but it will give you chance to heal and then you will be able to look outwards again. This 'casual once-a-week' relationship is not going to do you good in the long run.

 

I think you could say that this 'thing' with him is neither here nor there and you need to seek a meaningful connection with someone else. Thanks and good bye.

[basil67]

Wow, I feel so foolish and stupid after reading everyone's responses. I'm sad. I don't have much dating experience. I don't have much experience with men, period. Perhaps this is why I'm fine if I end up alone.

 

What is the correct way to end something like this?

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Most of us learn the hard way. Hell, I remember being a teen and thinking that if a guy got intimate with me that it meant he was interested.

 

The correct way would be to say "It's not you, it's me. I'm going to spend some time working on myself". (It doesn't have to be true. It's a good line for a casual thing)

 

But for this guy who doesn't want to chase, just stop initiating. If he doesn't ever initiate again with you, then you've saved yourself the effort an an uncomfortable conversation.

[coolheadal]

I have NEVER asked him for anything long-term. He has made it clear he's not looking for that, and I told him that's fine. But he seems to have an issue that I'm NOT looking for a serious relationship, for whatever reason.

 

As I have stated numerous times, I myself have my own relationship and commitment issues. If I was even to consider a serious relationship with someone, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point. I'm in no rush for anything.

 

Let me hear you correctly! What did you say? Really so why are you with this guy in the first place. You are in no rush for anything you just "letting anything go". This is clearly not the man for you and yet you tolerate what he's doing for him and the end result your not getting thing out of this. That's why you are here asking us. We can't tell you what to really do. It's clear to me you made-up your mind and want to stick it out with a guy doesn't want you like you want, and even saying that to you to me your stubborn. Let him go and do what he wants and you go and do what you want. Don't settle for any guy who's doing what he pleases and your not getting anything out of this so call complex complicated relationship. This is no way to live right now. You can do better than him he's right you can!

Edited March 30, 2017 by coolheadal

[coolheadal]

Wow, I feel so foolish and stupid after reading everyone's responses. I'm sad. I don't have much dating experience. I don't have much experience with men, period. Perhaps this is why I'm fine if I end up alone.

 

What is the correct way to end something like this?

 

Well it's best to ask for help then to put up with this nonsense. How to end this you just tell him this "Listen enough, is enough! I can't do this any longer! You are not going to change and I am not going to keep going on with this broken relationship! Your right I can do better than you! Saying all of this I done with you! Goodbye!

[kendahke]

Wow, I feel so foolish and stupid after reading everyone's responses. I'm sad. I don't have much dating experience. I don't have much experience with men, period. Perhaps this is why I'm fine if I end up alone.

 

What is the correct way to end something like this?

 

 

Don't feel foolish---it's all a learning process. Sometimes, we're too close to the situation to see the big picture clearly.

 

I'd say the correct way of ending something like this is to start by never, ever lying to yourself about what is going on--no matter how painful that truth might be to you. There will be times that the person to whom you are attracted is not going to reciprocate those feelings. While they may have started out in the same direction as you, somewhere along the way, they changed their mind, as is their right. We all have a right to our preferences. No one is obligated to stay with you--since the dawn of time, married people have walked away from their spouses and they have the state's recognition of their relationship. People who are just dating really have less of a leg to stand on when it comes to trying to force someone to stay with you when they aren't interested in doing that.

 

I'd tell him that you've discovered that you and he are after different things and that perhaps it's best to just keep things as buddies who get together and do social things (or if you need an itch scratched, he may not object to being a FWB--just as long as you're clear on the objectives of having him as a FWB).

Edited March 30, 2017 by kendahke

[CarbonCopy]

Don't feel foolish---it's all a learning process. Sometimes, we're too close to the situation to see the big picture clearly.

 

I'd say the correct way of ending something like this is to start by never, ever lying to yourself about what is going on--no matter how painful that truth might be to you. There will be times that the person to whom you are attracted is not going to reciprocate those feelings. While they may have started out in the same direction as you, somewhere along the way, they changed their mind, as is their right. We all have a right to our preferences. No one is obligated to stay with you--since the dawn of time, married people have walked away from their spouses and they have the state's recognition of their relationship. People who are just dating really have less of a leg to stand on when it comes to trying to force someone to stay with you when they aren't interested in doing that.

 

I'd tell him that you've discovered that you and he are after different things and that perhaps it's best to just keep things as buddies who get together and do social things (or if you need an itch scratched, he may not object to being a FWB--just as long as you're clear on the objectives of having him as a FWB).

 

Thanks. I have never felt so rejected before. Even though he's never actually said NO to me, it's how he's making me feel by his inaction. I've tried so hard and have gotten very little in return.

[Redhead14]

Never ever give more than you're getting in a relationship or potential relationship. It's OK to give, but you need to allow the other person to do the same for you. If they don't, then you move on. And, sometimes when you're doing all the work, the other person feels like there's nothing for them to do. They feel like they have no power or contribution to make, like their role has been usurped. There needs to be balance.

 

And, I wouldn't use the word rejection . . . he's just not a good dating partner for you.

 

Dating is a process, not an event and it takes two people to make the experience enjoyable.

[CarbonCopy]

Never ever give more than you're getting in a relationship or potential relationship. It's OK to give, but you need to allow the other person to do the same for you. If they don't, then you move on. And, sometimes when you're doing all the work, the other person feels like there's nothing for them to do. They feel like they have no power or contribution to make, like their role has been usurped. There needs to be balance.

 

And, I wouldn't use the word rejection . . . he's just not a good dating partner for you.

 

Dating is a process, not an event and it takes two people to make the experience enjoyable.

 

Yes, I guess I should have realized this from the beginning, but maybe I thought he'd change or come around. Or that he'd actually care about how he was making me feel. But I guess not. He's a cold person and I told him so.

[kendahke]

Thanks. I have never felt so rejected before. Even though he's never actually said NO to me, it's how he's making me feel by his inaction. I've tried so hard and have gotten very little in return.

 

Always go by their actions--it's a far better indicator of their intent than their words. They will say anything--it's what action they put to those words that you want to see.

[curiouslysearching]

Thanks. I have never felt so rejected before. Even though he's never actually said NO to me, it's how he's making me feel by his inaction. I've tried so hard and have gotten very little in return.

 

He does not DESERVE YOU....