Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 OK so things are moving along with the new guy, but I talked to guy #1 last night and he wants to take me out next week. Guy #2 and I have been seeing/talking alot but so far it has been casual (sorta...does getting naked count as casual?) and while I usually feel there is an "understanding" of being exclusive, I know it would be okay to go out with guy #1 next week. I consider guy#1 a friend. I used to want more with him, and I think he wants more. He is sick now and realized it's cuz he works too hard too much (pneumonia)! He told me he doesn't want to make a promise he can't keep (ie. a date) so I told him to MAKE a promise and KEEP it. He said he would try and then asked me to go out next week and he'll let me know what day he can go. I am seeing guy #2 tonight and not sure about the weekend as I'll be with my kids who have been away for 2 weeks with their dad (God I miss them!). Help? I never seem to do this casual dating thing right. I always end up getting too "involved" and oh yeah, guy#3 called me last night and I really wanna tell him I am not interested....but how? Am I just too nice? too easy? what? I know I should say no to guy #1 but what if nothing comes of this thing with guy#2? Is it bad to keep the guy#1 as a friend just in case? ugh this dating thing is hard even at my age.
clynn Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Help? I never seem to do this casual dating thing right. I always end up getting too "involved" and oh yeah, guy#3 called me last night and I really wanna tell him I am not interested....but how? Am I just too nice? too easy? what? I wouldn't even bother at all with #3 at this point???? You're a single mother with children, and I bet you have a job too. Do you have time for three men? If so, then go for it!! ha ha! I know I should say no to guy #1 but what if nothing comes of this thing with guy#2? Is it bad to keep the guy#1 as a friend just in case? ugh this dating thing is hard even at my age. I have that problem sometimes too!!!! Its really hard as you want to take advantage of opportunities when they come up. I generally think the best you can do is be honest. Don't lead someone into believing they are the only one if they are not. For isntance, when you go out with Man #1 (provided it actually pans out), perhaps you might want to let him know that you've started dating someone ... just my two cents, but I'd love to hear what others have to say as I have been faced with this conundrum in the past. Typically I find that I can't quite keep it all together (more in my head than anywhere else) and that sometimes messes things up.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by clynn You're a single mother with children Her profile says she is seperated not single..I think she is still married, MWC_LifeBeginsAt40, Are you looking for any commitments from these daters ? They may smell the fact that you aren't divorced yet and they don't expend any great energy into getting to know you.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 5, 2005 Author Posted August 5, 2005 I am separated....legally, permanently, no chance of reconciliation. The guys I go out with know this. Do I have time for 3 men? LOL Actually my children have been away for 2 weeks, and for the next few weeks we managed to farm them out with relatives (free daycare yay!) so I tend to have some free time on my hands. I will not make any attempts where guy#3 is concerned. If he calls I will be friendly but I will tell him I have started dating someone. I decided that if I go out with guy #1 next week, it will be as friends. I will offer to pay my own way and will tell him that we are just friends........either that or just tell him I've started dating someone and if he wants to go out as friends I would like to do that very much. We may even be seeing each other in the future because he asked me if I'd like to do some contract work for his business and I'd like to cuz I need the extra cash. I really REALLY like guy #2. We went out last night. I got really quiet which is what I tend to do when I don't wanna scare someone off! lol He has so many interesting stories about his past and I just babble when I try to talk (that nervousness, you know?) So on my way home I was shyting my pants....terrified of these feelings that are creeping out from god knows where again....ones I didn't think I would find with him so quickly.....I dont' want to run from them, but I also don't want to get hurt again.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 I am separated....legally, permanently, no chance of reconciliation. The guys I go out with know this. I dated a girl once that had been seperated from her husband legally and permantly for 6 years.. He even lived in a different state. But that didn't stop me from pulling back on her when it came time to put more effort into her.. My thinking was that she is still married and is someone elses wife and truly not available so why should I set myself for possible hurt.. Something to think about.. I also knew before we dated but it didn't stop me from reacting that way.. The sex was great and in the end I felt she was just using me for sex ( I know poor me ) and a commitment wasn't gonna happen so I dropped her.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Posted August 6, 2005 Would it have made a difference to you if she was officially divorced and not just separated? In Canada you have to be separated for a year before you can be granted a divorce (usually). I've had people tell me "Hey it's been 7 months already" and I've known of some people being told "wow, it's only been 2 years, so it's still fresh for you".
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Would it have made a difference to you if she was officially divorced and not just separated? It would've made all the difference in the world.. I really liked her but I just couldn't get passed the part that said that I'm wasting my time because there is no way I could've married her in that present state of her being seperated. Married = Not available To me... The reality is that with a phone call from the Hubby and some forgiving he can be right back in and I'm out.. That is way some places put the rule on how long you have to be seperated.. To increase the chance of reconciliation I know you say that there is no chance of that in your marriage.. But from the guys view he has no real way of knowing .. Does he ?
JanieQP Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Your take on this is really interesting for me, Fly. Why didn't you ask her to go ahead with her divorce? I'm separated with no chance of getting back together, and for tax reasons, I have no intention of going ahead with the divorce in the foreseeable future. I'll know that a guy is serious about me when he makes an issue out of my still-married status. Is it possible your gf was waiting for you to push your case? For me, the financial difference that divorcing would make would hurt a =lot=, and I'm not willing to do that just so that some guy I'm dating will feel like I'm more available emotionally. Believe me, if money were even tighter, I'd be LESS available emotionally. As it is now, both my ex and I can go on vacation (separately) and buy groceries and gas without counting every cent and worrying about rent. The additional tax burden we'd incur by finalizing the divorce would add a huge amount of financial stress. Why should I do that to myself?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP Why didn't you ask her to go ahead with her divorce? I did but she said she couldn't afford an attorney ( 3 kids ). and yes I could've given her the money.. Been there done that.. Never again.. as well as she most likely wouldn't have taken it.. What I didn't do was push.. Why should I have to ? She's the one that is married. If I pushed her then I am forcing myself on her.. That's not the kind of 100/100 relationship I want out of someone.. get what you want by pushing.. I'll know that a guy is serious about me when he makes an issue out of my still-married status. Is it possible your gf was waiting for you to push your case? Your missing out on all the good guys that won't push because they feel like me.. I don't think I'm different in the way I feel. I think I'm like most guys in this aspect. Why should your guy have to make a deal out of the fact your still married and living with your husband in order to believe he is a keeper ? or to be taken seriously ? The additional tax burden we'd incur by finalizing the divorce would add a huge amount of financial stress. Why should I do that to myself? I can say that you have to balance what is important to you and your health with this issue.. Staying married might also be keeping you from finding someone that you can fall in love with also.. Your tax burden IMO shouldn't be a deciding factor on whether to stay married or not.. Your happiness should be !! Think of the other damaging things you are doing to yourself as well.. What about living a free existance away from a man you have no love for ? What about the fact that you truly cannot move on with your life and call it your own ? There must be something besides tax burden keeping you tied to him .. you might be comfortable the way you are and don't want or are scared of change. By the way.. I'm not judging you.. Just throwing out my insight
d'Arthez Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 The difference in money may be a lot - but you can't have security by locking yourself up (in a legal sense) AND at the same time the emottional openness you desire. A man who opens himself up to a person whom he can consider locked away, is fully aware that is risking to get burned himself - with little in return until you are years down the line. Not to mention the emotional impact doing something like that has. The person may consider having sex with a still-married person a form of cheating. And of course be afraid that you return to the ex, miraculously. If marriage as a commitment means a lot to you, why should a man pursue a married woman? Whether you like it or not, that is something that would not make sense from the point of view from the man. Would you have no problems if your partner has a huge house, but rents out a few rooms to his ex for a good amount of money (which he could not get on the market)? Even if there is no chance of reconcilliation? Or would you prefer that he sold the house, and got something smaller that he could afford himself?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Not to mention the emotional impact doing something like that has. The person may consider having sex with a still-married person a form of cheating. I felt like this... It was a month long battle of the guys in my head in order to be able have sex with her.. I had to resign ( and trust ) myself to the fact that the marriage hasn't been a marriage in a long time. She had a lot of coaxing to do in that regard as well as we had talked about it quite a bit before I felt comfortable. In the end I think I never really truly felt comfortable.. Because she wasn't mine..
Outcast Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 My thinking was that she is still married and is someone elses wife and truly not available so why should I set myself for possible hurt.. Yes but that was only because she couldn't afford the divorce. I put off my divorce for a while because I knew it would be unpleasant when it came to financial issues and I wasn't up for unpleasantness. But once we lived apart, that was the end of it for me. As for MWC - why bother defining any of the relationships? Go out with #1 and #2 and tell them both you're dating someone else. Then they'll know there's competition and they'll try harder
JanieQP Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall Your missing out on all the good guys that won't push because they feel like me. That's something worth thinking about. Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall living with your husband Woah woah woah, just for clarity, I haven't lived with him for over a year. We lived together while separated for a while before that, but neither dated - =that= would have been weird. We don't even live in the same city. Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall Your tax burden IMO shouldn't be a deciding factor on whether to stay married or not.. Your happiness should be !! Unfortunately, my happiness is tied to things like being able to live in a safe area and buy quality groceries and visit my family. These all take money. The tax system here is different than it is in the U.S. ... and since he makes even less than I do, if we divorced I'd not only have a much higher tax burden, but would have to even out the income difference. I'd rather give him half the tax savings straight up. (Yes, this kind of arrangement is illegal. But gdmnit, we're both doing our best and staying off the dole in a country where this is a feat. Most men I've dated understand and accept that.) Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall Think of the other damaging things you are doing to yourself as well.. What about living a free existance away from a man you have no love for ? What about the fact that you truly cannot move on with your life and call it your own ? These are all really, really good points - I'm aware of them and completely agree with what you're saying, and trying to move in the direction of complete freedom. I'm applying for 'regular' jobs (am now free-lancing) and trying to improve my financial situation overall, and believe me, I keep my expenses as low as possible. When I go out with friends, I have a tea or beer while they eat full meals. I go to the library instead of buying books and CDs. I take the train instead of driving. Once I get a 'real' job with benefits and some kind of security, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to shrug off the financial sting of a divorce. Right now, it's so bloody hard just to survive day to day. Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall There must be something besides tax burden keeping you tied to him .. You caught me. You know what? The money situation =i hell, but another key factor is that until my job situation is worked out, I don't have the mindset for a relationship. (Nor do I want to stay here permanently or be with a local again.) Although most people here are pretty open about these marriage-of-convenience things, I'm still American and still think like an American and for me, staying married gives me the feeling I have a license to concentrate on myself and not get into a serious relationship. Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall By the way.. I'm not judging you.. Just throwing out my insight Thanks, Fly. I didn't feel judged at all - I think that comes across in your writing style. But it was nice of you to say it too.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 8, 2005 Author Posted August 8, 2005 Originally posted by Outcast Yes but that was only because she couldn't afford the divorce. I put off my divorce for a while because I knew it would be unpleasant when it came to financial issues and I wasn't up for unpleasantness. But once we lived apart, that was the end of it for me. As for MWC - why bother defining any of the relationships? Go out with #1 and #2 and tell them both you're dating someone else. Then they'll know there's competition and they'll try harder I for sure know that next year I will have a lot more financial priorities than paying for a divorce. Okay back to my initial dilemma....Guy #1 wants to take me out this week or next and I may tell him I have been dating other guys and see what his reaction is. Because if I knew he was really into me, and really wanted to make changes in his crazy schedule to make me happy (small changes), and if I get to know him and he isn't really a weirdo like I have been told, then maybe I will say g'bye to guy #2. On the other hand, with Guy #2 I am still trying to figure things out, well not really cuz it's too early to try and figure out anything....we're just spending time together getting to know each other, but that is very new to me. My last few relationships were very physical and romantic from the get-go. Guy#2 doesn't seem romantic, but he made me some music CD's and gave me peas from his garden! How sweet is that? He also doesn't seem very affectionate, and if you know me, you know that is what I crave....touch. And I love to kiss, but I've had a cold so maybe that's why he's keeping his distance. And maybe it's good for me to go slow? He knows my past and is being cautious. Our "thing" didn't start with alot of online talk, just met in person very soon after and I am shy and not always able to say what's on my mind. But I don't wanna get caught in the same trap that my marriage ended in - no communication. I want to get inside his head....but as I said, maybe I just need to give it time. I guess I will play it cool with both as we are both at the "getting to know each other better" stage....and shouldn't that come before any romantic feelings or exclusivity? I just have this fear of hurting people. I know very well what it feels like to be dumped, even by someone you weren't even that close to. It's the rejection, the starting over from square 1, the wondering what might have been, what you could have done differently, even though all the books say not to think about those things.
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